01x17 - Torn Between Two Hannahs

[bunniefuu]

♪ Stand, for what you believe in ♪

♪ Stand, for all that is right ♪

♪ Stand, when it's dark all around you ♪

♪ You can be that shining light ♪

-♪ Stand, when troubles come calling ♪
-♪ For what you believe in ♪

♪ Your gonna be all right ♪

♪ Stand, just reach deep inside you ♪

♪ And be that shining light ♪

♪ Stand ♪

Dad, that's awesome.

That is the best song you've ever written.

I can't wait to record it. What's the bad news?

Bad news? What are you
talking about? It's a great song.

Thank you, Lilly. You
know, I've always liked her.

Don't change the subject.

Every time he has bad news he
tries to soften it up with a great song.

"Best of Both Worlds," I had to get braces.

"This Is The Life", Jackson decided
not to go to sleep away camp.

"Pumpin' Up The Party", my goldfish d*ed.

When my goldfish d*ed, my
mom flushed it down the toilet.

I'll never forget her comforting words.

"Get over it, Oliver, it's a stinking fish."

That explains so much.

Come on, Dad, just tell
me. Trust me, I can handle it.

Your cousin Luann is
coming to visit. Who wants pie?

Miley?

-Miley?
-What kind of pie?

Come on, Miley.

Don't forget that wonderful, wonderful song

that I just wrote you, that you love so much.

♫ Stand, for what you believe in

Stand ♫

When does her broomstick land?

Come on now, Miley. Now,
let's don't start this again.

She's a good kid.

Let's not forget who pulled you out
of that well when you were just six.

Let's not forget who pushed me in.

Hey, that was an accident.

Sometimes kids do stuff without thinking.

[Buzzing-zz]

Got it.

Stupid fly.

I didn't plan that, but there you go.

I can't believe this.

Halloween is two days away and you're making me

share my bathroom with the Princess of Darkness?

If Luann's coming, I'm sleeping over at Lilly's.

Oh, come on, Miley.

Now, listen, you guys have grown up.

She's grown, you've grown, you're a lot alike.

[Doorbell rings-♪]
How can you say that?

I am nothing like that horrible, ugly witch.

Howdy, cuz!

[Thunder rumbling]

Well, doggies! This is one humdinger of a shack!

♫

♫ Come on!

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

Uncle Robbie,

Daddy said that these were
your favorite Halloween cookies.

I made them myself.

Pecan crunchies! Sweet nutty niblets.

Hey, you churned your own butter, didn't you?

Is there any other way?

Whatever you do, don't eat that.

Why not?

Because it was made by the devil's little helper.

You are being ridiculous.

[CHOKES]

[Exclaims]

-Lilly!
-Oh, please.

Next you're gonna be saying,

[Whispers] "She sees dead people."

You know, it's amazing how
much you and Miley look alike.

Always have.

When we were young'uns, you know,

before she was Hannah Montana,

she was in the Little Miss Tater pageant,

but I had to take her
place before the talent part

'cause she got all nervous and barfy.

I wasn't nervous,

she slipped me some bad catfish.

She's always been jealous of me
because I can sing and she can't.

What'd she do for the talent?

[Squealing]

Pig calls.

[Squealing]

Man, I miss Tennessee.

Boy, she cooks, she calls pigs.

-Where have you been all my life?
-Oh, you.

Mamma warned me about
you handsome Californy fellers.

Oh, you, too.

Didn't you say you named your pet pig Luann?

Yep.

[Laughing] [Snorting]

And now you know why.

Oh, this is pathetic.

Dad, every year we put up
the same stupid decorations

and all my friends laugh at us.

I don't know, I think these are pretty gruesome.

Look out, it's a spider!

It's in your hair.

It's crawling in your ear.

It's on your shoulder.

Boo!

Pathetic.

Could we at least get something
halfway decent this year?

I mean, our Christmas
decorations are scarier than this.

Hey, just because one of Santa's eyes fell out

doesn't make him any less jolly.

[Knocking on door]

This stuff scares 6-year-olds.

It's not like we're gonna
find something that scares us.

[Exclaims in fear]

Stewart, someone shoved your
magazines through my mail slot.

Hmm.

I'm guessing that would be the mailman.

What's with the Halloween decorations?

Or should I say

'Hallo-weenie decorations'?

[Laughing]

Your winking Santa was scarier than this.

[Warbling]

You know, I was hoping this year
you'd be a little competition for me.

But I was wrong.

Dad, are you just gonna
let him get away with that?

Don't worry about it, Son, it's a holiday.

We're not gonna get sucked into his little game.

Said the loser!

Don't go challenging me, Dontzig.

Oh!

I'm shaking.

Well, take it outside. I don't
have earthquake insurance.

Save the jokes, Goldilocks.

You're gonna need a sense of humor

when all the kids see how "unscary" your house is

and they start pelting it with eggs,

which would be an
improvement over this paint job.

[Laughing maniacally]

[Warbling]

That's it, he's crossed the
line. He insulted my hair.

Get in the car, Son. We're
gonna put the "boo" in Malibu.

Yes!

It's gonna be a hair-raising experience.

I don't know why you're making
such a big deal about your cousin.

Luann seems really nice.

Yeah, and a Venus flytrap
seems like a pretty plant

until it throws you down a well.

Trust me, underneath those little piggy tails,

little tiny horns.

Okay, not to sound like your dad,

but maybe you should give her a chance, bud.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I hear the ice cream truck a-ringing
and I want me a fudgie buddy.

[Miley chuckles]

-Okay, that was creepy good.
-Thank you.

Now, would it k*ll you to open up a little

and at least try to be friends with her?

Hey, Traci's having that big
Halloween party tomorrow night.

-Why don't we take her with us?
-No way.

I ain't letting that pig calling,
butter churning, evil-doing hayseed

anywhere near the Hannah world.

Would you stop calling her names?

Well, howdy, cuz.

I found you this pretty
shell over by the tide pools.

Yeah, pretty.

A pretty good place to hide
a poisonous hermit crab.

What are you doing?

I'm ruining your "little plan" to poison me

and throw me down a well again!

Miley, stop, there's nothing in there.

[Crying]

I was just trying to be nice to y'all.

See how clever she is?

She tricks me into accusing her
of something that she didn't do

so I would look stupid.

Well, it worked. You look pretty stupid.

I told you, she's an evil genius.

Hey, Jackson.

Oh, man, it's not scary enough.

It needs something. But what?

Think, think.

Hey, Miley.

What happened at the beach
today with you and Luann?

She's up in the guest room, she's awfully upset.

Well, it could have something to do with the fact

that I accused her of trying to k*ll me.

Yeah, that has been known to offend a person.

Do you really think I'm being unfair?

Yeah, I do, bud.

But I also know you're
awfully good at fixing things

when you put your mind to it.

Okay, fine.

I'll go talk to her.

That's my girl.

If I'm not down in 10 minutes,

check all the local wells.

[Clicks]

Luann, you okay?

Yep, just packing up my bags

and working on my plan for world domination.

[Sighs]

Okay, look,

maybe,

possibly,

it's conceivable

that I haven't treated you completely fairly.

And I wanted to say

I was sorry.

-Really?
-Yeah.

The truth is, I always was a little jealous.

Well, I think it's time that
we took the past and buried it.

Yeah;

Kind of like what we used to do
with Aunt Pearl's roadkill ravioli.

[laughs]
Yeah.

There was always gravel in mine.

Yeah, she said it gave it that special crunch.

Well, if you still want to stay,

there's a really great Hollywood Halloween party

that I'd love to take you to.

You really want me to come with you'ins?

I really want you to come with... me-ins.

[Sniffs]

I'm touched.

Hey, the limo's here to take us to Traci's party.

-Are you ready?
-Oh, yeah. Let's do this.

-Where's Luann?
-Oh, she can't go.

She was at the beach boogie boarding all day

and got a really bad sunburn.

Oh, I hate that. But at least
you two are friends now.

-Yep, best of pals. Let's go.
-Okay.

Oh, I forgot my purse.

-I'll meet you out in the limo, okay?
-Okay.

Miley, Miley, Miley.

I can't believe you didn't see this coming.

Maybe if you wouldn't have
wasted your time in singing classes

and went to rodeo camp with the rest of us,

you wouldn't be stuck in this situation.

What's that, girl?

You want Hannah to perform at the party?

Good idea.

[Singing off key-♪] You done
got the best of both worlds

Oh, yeah. Horrible, ain't it?

Wait till your fans hear that.

That'll do wonders for your career.

Happy Halloween, cuz.

[Laughing maniacally]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

[Splutters]

[Ghostly voice echoing]

[Rings doorbell-♪]

Trick or treat!

[Exclaiming]

[Kids screaming]

Wait, kids; You forgot your candy!

Yes! There is no way that
Dontzig's house is scarier than ours.

[cheering]

What is wrong with you?

You're supposed to hand out
candy, not traumatize my kid.

I'm sorry. No, no, you don't
understand. See, it's just that...

We're just trying to be as
scary as the guy next door.

You mean Mr. Happy Pumpkin Man?

-Who?
-Hey, hey, kids!

[All cheering]

Oh, is mean old Mr. Stewart scaring you?

Yeah!

I don't believe this.

Why would somebody wanna scare little children?

It's sick.

I'm not surprised.

At Christmas they put out a one-eyed Santa.

-No!
-It's true. I've seen it.

But it's Halloween.

And you're in Mali-boo.

[Exclaiming in fear]

Come on, kids. Let's all go back to my house

and everyone can have another ride on the pony.

[All cheering]

♪ He's Mr. Happy Pumpkin man ♪

♪ Giving out candy like no one can ♪

♪ He's Mr. Happy Pumpkin man ♪

Well, Stewarts,

you win.

You're the scariest.

And everybody in the neighborhood hates you.

I got you!

[laughs]

♫ I'm Mr. Happy Pumpkin man

Wait up, kids! I'm sorry.

Hey, hey! Don't forget your candy!

Get away from our children!
I've got pepper spray!

Dad?

Jackson?

Oliver; I need your mom to drive
me to a Halloween party now!

Yes, you can come.

I can't believe Luann would tie
you up and try to ruin your life.

[SIGHS]

You know, this is gonna make

my date tomorrow night with her a little awkward.

What are you gonna do when you see her?

I'm gonna rip off her wig
and punch her in the nose.

Right now just help me find
her. It's not gonna be that hard.

Come on, she's gonna be the only
one in there that looks exactly like me.

[THE OTHER SIDE OF ME PLAYING]

Oh, boy.

Yeah, this is gonna be a
little harder than I thought.



Oh, boy, these gummy ghouls are
better than Pappy's mountain taffy!

Man, you've been hanging
around your cousin so much

you're starting to talk like her.

Stop loading up on candy. People are watching.

Well, of course they are. I'm a celebrity.

Hannah.

[KISSING NOISES]

You've been here an hour

and you haven't said a word about
my little Hannah-ween surprise.

Oh, you mean everyone dressed like me?

Yeah, it's about as stupid

as a vegetarian having
breakfast at the Beef N' Waffle.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about stupid.
Just like your stupid little voice.

What's the matter, you got some
candy corn stuck up in your nozzle?

I have a deviated septum.

And I own it.

What is wrong with you?

You've been acting weird since we got here.

It's like you want the whole party to hate you...

Oh, my gosh, you're Luann!

Well, it took you long enough, Lulu.

It's Lola.

Lilly, Lola, Lulu, you might
as well go by Purple Head.

What do you use for conditioner, grape jelly?

Hey, waiter.

Fetch me some peanut butter,
I'd like to make me a sandwich.

[laughs]

[Snorts]

I gotta get you out of here
before you blow Miley's secret.

Well; Shut my mouth!

I wasn't even thinking about pulling this wig off

till you done brought it up.

That'll really fix her wagon.

Good job, gumdrop.

[Laughs maliciously]

I had a dream like this once.

Except the room was full of Jessica Simpsons

and I had more than one chest hair.

Focus.

We have to find the real fake Hannah.

[Grunting]

Ha!

I've got you!

I am not gonna let you
ruin my best friend's life.

I am your best friend.

You can't fool me with that fake Miley accent.

I am Miley! I have to go find Luann!

You're not going anywhere without your nose.

[Exclaiming in pain nasally]

Lilly. Lilly, she's telling the truth.

Oliver? What are you doing here?

[In nasal voice] I needed
his mom to drive me here

'cause you and Luann rode off in my limo!

-Miley?
-You think?

Sorry; We gotta find her quick.

She's about to rip off her
wig and blow your secret.

-She wouldn't.
-She would.

And she thought of it all herself.

Remember, no matter what she says, she's evil.

Looking for Hannah.

Not you.

Not you. But, hi.

Not you, but, girl, aren't you styling.

Hey, folks, it's me, the real Hannah Montana!

I've got a little announcement for y'all.

You guys might want to get out

your fancy Hollywood phone cameras for this one.

Hey, guys, I found her! She's on stage!

Good work.

Hold on, guys, I got a little
something stuck in my craw.

[Snorts]

[Spits]

[All groaning]

Bingo!

Well, she's gonna have a real hard time spitting

with my fist in her mouth.

You can't!

You get into something with
her, she might rip off your wig, too.

Have no fear, ladies, the
masked musketeer has a plan.

Great.

My life is in the hands of Count Chesthair.

So, lookie here,

y'all are about to see something
you never expected to see,

the other side, the other
side, the other side of...

[Crowd chattering]

[Exclaiming]
Uhhh

Look at that.

Magic.

And spitting.

Neat.

Why don't we have dessert now?

Bring out the Hannah banana cream pie!

You are so busted, Luann.

Guys, you grabbed the wrong one in the dark!

I'm Miley!

Nice try, you backwoods witch.

These are my best friends.

They're not gonna fall for that.

Tell her.

-You got any idea?
-Not a clue.

Guys, we have got to get her out of here

before she reveals my secret.

You mean my secret.

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

I know how to tell which is the real Miley.

-Both of you kiss me.
-Okay.

[Exclaiming in disgust]
Eww!

That's Miley.

And what has all this taught you?

That parents should believe their kids

when they tell them their cousins are evil.

And?

That I should always take my
cell phone when I leave the house

in case my daughter gets tied up in her closet.

-And?
-I'm sorry.

But you don't have to worry about it much longer.

Your uncle's on his way here to pick Luann up.

They'll be gone tomorrow.

That doesn't give me much time to get her back.

Like I've always told you,

an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Stewart! Stewart,

you gotta help me!

Those candy grabbers are like piranha!

They're coming by the bus load!

It's like someone put an ad in the paper.

The paper?

That's way too slow.

If somebody wanted to get information out fast,

they'd just run down Pacific
Coast Highway with a bullhorn.

You didn't.

Oh, yes, I did.

Got you!

Okay, kids.

Come on down, don't be shy!

Curse you, Stewart!

Curse you!

[Kids cheering]

Dad, what about revenge
making the whole world blind?

I was teaching that to you, it's too late for me.

[Neighing]

Hey, Dad;

Dontzig's pony followed me home.

Can we keep him?

[Imitating horse] Please?
All I need is a really big litter box.

I'm just gonna take him up to my room, okay?

[Doorbell rings-♪]

Hey, Miley, tell your cousin her daddy's here!

Put your drawers on, Robbie
Ray, your brother's here!

Good to see you, too, Bobbie Ray.
-Uhhhhhy

Well, smack my goat and call me stupid,

this sure is one humdinger
of a shack you got yourself.

Stewart, I need that pony back, it's a rental.

Hey. Hey.

[Exclaims] Hey!

Two Stewarts!

[Screaming]
Ahhh!

Ahhhh!

Is that that pain-in-the-keister
neighbor you've been telling me about?

Yep.

-He sure runs fast, don't he?
-He sure does.

-Yieee! Doggies!
-Yieee! Doggies!