01x08 - Lopez vs Pride

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- Here's Churro's
pain medication.

If she walks into a wall,
that just means it's working.

- So, Doctor, if Churro
needs one tranquilizer,

she weighs 10 pounds...
- Mm-hmm.

- How much would a dog need
that weighed, like, 200 pounds?

Like, 20?

[laughter]

This isn't funny, okay?

This big dog needs a lot
of pills to feel anything.

- What? No.

I was just laughing
at this TikTok Mayan made.

It's an ad for Bone-jour.

[sultry music]

- I've been looking forward
to tonight all week.

♪ ♪

Courtesy of our friends
at Bone-jour.

Gourmet dog treats
made in Paris...

Tennessee.

Voilà!
A "bark-cuterie" board.

Now, this dog may not be
an evil tech billionaire,

but she can eat like one.

And so can I, because
humans can enjoy it too.

[evil laugh]

- You have the evil laugh
of a man who owns a rocket ship

shaped like a penis.

- I can't believe
you're the brand ambassador

for Bone-jour,

the number-one pet food
that doesn't use horse meat.

- They make it in a lab.

It has all the horse flavor,
but none of the horse.

- Well, I mean,
why did they pick you?

Shouldn't a famous dog
be selling the food?

I mean, listen,
don't take this wrong, Mayan,

but you're no Scooby-Doo.

- It's just
a little start-up,

and I'm making a few extra
bucks for vet school.

It's no big deal.

- It's a huge deal.

My pet lizard and I
have been trying

to land a sponsorship
for years.

Ain't that right, Lizzo?

- You must be so proud of her.

- The sexy lizard?
We just met.

- No, Mayan.

Because of her videos,

the clinic's TikTok account
has thousands of followers.

- Thanks.

Bone-jour even asked if I'd
host a promotional event here

and it's gonna
be livestreamed.

- Okay, calm down,
Mayan Seacrest.

Don't let it go to your head.

Pride is one
of the three deadly sins.

- There are seven.

- I know.
I like the other four.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Do you think Mayan's okay?

- I don't know.
I'm a vet.

I don't understand
human emotions.

Is this what happy looks like?

- I can hear you guys.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

- 'Cause you were just talking
about your accomplishments

and your dad put you down.

- Ugh.

We don't say "put down"
in this office.

- My dad wasn't insulting me.
He's just keeping me grounded.

That's what Latino parents do.

- My parents do the same thing,

and I'ma tell them
it's not right

as soon as I'm no longer
on their cell phone plan.

- I don't think
it's a bad thing

to be reminded to stay humble.

- As an employer, I love
that I can take advantage

of how you undervalue yourself.

But as your friend
and fellow woman,

girl, it's a bad look.

- You've got to stop putting up
with your dad's crap.

Is he ever supportive
or say anything nice to you?

- He makes fun of me the least
out of everyone in the family.

What am I supposed to do?

- Take a stand like I do

anytime someone asks
if we do grooming.

"I didn't go to school
for eight years

to give a lizard extensions."

- I only asked you
that one time.

♪ ♪

- Damn it.
We're gonna be late.

Can you...

Come on, kid, we gotta go.
- Hold, please.

Mrs. Garcia,
substitute teacher.

And you are?

- Quinten Van Bryan.
Nice to meet you.

Thank you for your service.

Come on, buddy.
Get in the van.

I got you some candy.

- I would do anything
for candy.

- Yeah.

- Chance, honey, do you know
this sweaty, awkward man?

- Yeah, I'm his father.

Wait, did George talk to you?

- I don't know who George is,

but this boy's last name
is Lopez.

If you were his real father,
you would know that.

- It's hyphenated.

So his mom is Lopez,
I'm Van Bryan.

And if you were a real teacher,
you would know that.

- You claim he's your kid,

but he writes his name
as Chance Lopez

on all of his schoolwork.

- Okay, well,
I really appreciate you

keeping my child safe,
but we're late.

So, Chance,
tell this woman I'm your dad

so we can get to the dentist.

- Dentist?

I've never seen this dude
before my life.

- Wh--what?

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Hey, Kibbles 'n Bits.

Check this out.
I fixed the garbage disposal.

[disposal whirs]

I just earned myself
six months more of free rent.

- Wow, that's amazing.

Good job.
I'm so proud of you.

- Why you talking like that?

Did you find that
special brownie in the freezer?

- No, I was just demonstrating
the normal way to react

when someone you care about
accomplishes something

they care about.

- I don't care
about the disposal.

I clogged it on purpose
for the free rent.

- I'm just gonna say it.

I don't like the rude things
you said

in front of my coworkers
today.

- I wasn't being rude.
I was just keeping it real.

You were getting a big head.

And not in a handsome way
like mine--look.

- That's toxic behavior.

And I'm so used to it
that Brookie and Dr. Pocha

had to point it out
for me to realize

that you are incapable
of celebrating

anyone else's achievements.

- That is not true.

I celebrate the makers
of this beer every night.

- You know, I don't think I've
ever heard you say the words,

"I'm proud of you."

Not even when I was a kid.

Remember what you told me

after my middle school
musical performance?

When I asked you
how my singing was,

you told me to dance louder.

- Yes, because your feet
can actually hit a note.

- Words matter, Dad.

- Yes, Mayan.
I'm aware.

That's why I don't just
throw them around.

Want me to tell you
I'm proud of you

because you ate dog food?

You called me a hot mess

for eating pizza crust
out of the trash.

- But you don't even say it
for the big stuff.

I mean,
I have a job that I love,

an amazing kid, and a wonderful
life partner in Quinten.

- Who?

- Why is it so hard
for you to say?

Just say that
you're proud of me.

Just say it.

- Ew, no.

♪ ♪

[doorbell rings]

- I'm here.

I guess the genie
granted your wish.

- Oh.

There's an iPad, cookies,

and a warm bath
waiting for you in my room.

- How are you still single?

- Well, at least
he loves one of us.

- Oh, what's wrong?

- A teacher at Chance's school
didn't think I was his dad.

- George got to them?

- No.
And look at me.

Obviously, I'm a POC.

A Parent of Chance.

- Well, I don't know.

He looks like
a young Oscar Isaac,

and you look like his manager.

- Yeah, Chance dropped
my last name at school.

So he's just going
by Chance Lopez now.

- Well, probably because
Chance Van Bryan

sounds like a lacrosse player
on trial for as*ault.

- Okay, I'm just gonna
get vulnerable with you

for a second.

I'm afraid that
he's embarrassed of me.

And Mayan was embarrassed
of George when she was a kid.

They didn't speak for 10 years.

- I hate to say it,

but maybe Chance is ashamed
of his whiteness.

[chuckles] Actually,
I don't hate to say it.

It felt good.
[laughs]

Look, he lives in a house
surrounded by Latinos.

Maybe you should
teach him something

about your side of the family.

- That's a good idea.

I just--I don't want him
to be ashamed of who he is.

You know,
I want him to be proud.

- Hm, so you want him
to be a proud white man?

- No, I'm just, like, saying
that I want him to be a...

proud boy.

Oh, God, no, that's not--

I meant, like,
a proud boy--Rosie.

Rosie,
you know I didn't mean--

Rosie!

♪ ♪

- Can you believe Mayan?

Complaining that I never
tell her I'm proud of her.

I must have said it one time
behind her back accidentally.

That's gotta count
for something.

- You never say
you're proud of me,

but luckily,
thanks to my ADHD...

- My grandmother only told me
she was proud of me one time,

when I told
child protective services

that we were playing frisbee
with a chancla.

- I think you should
just tell her, man.

She won't let it go.
She's Gen Z.

Whoa.

We're at the end
of the alphabet.

Sad to think that this will be
the last generation of mankind.

- If I tell her,
it'll be because she asked me,

not because I wanted to,
obviously.

It would seem so
just dis-indigenous.

- Disingenuous.

- That's what I said.
Disin-gender-us.

- Boop.

- Wow. That's a good job.
That's a perfect blunt.

Tight as a taquito to get us
loose as a burrito.

- You're so good to me, man.

You really know how to show
someone you appreciate them.

- Yeah.

Because I'm not a sayer.
I'm a show-er.

- And I'm not a show-er.

I'm a grower,
'cause I grew all this weed.

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Look at all these people
in here.

I don't see why your dad
wouldn't be proud of you.

- You don't think I look silly?

- I actually find it
much easier

to talk to you like this.

- You guys are just being nice.
My dad was all--

- Don't listen to him.

- Yeah, you don't need
your dad's validation.

You make great videos.

You're helping put this place
on the map.

You even eat dog food
and make it look orgasmic.

- Actually,
I do a little trick.

I hide a piece of turkey jerky
in my palm

and switch it
at the last minute.

- So you're pretending
to like it?

- Yeah, it's gross.

TikTok Mayan fully stands
behind the product,

but real life Mayan
thinks that crap is nasty,

which is why when I ask
for a volunteer to try it,

Brookie's gonna say...

- [enunciating] Girl,
I am just a random stranger

who does not know you at all.

- And that acting is why Lizzo
doesn't have a sponsorship.

Just say you want to try it
and take the jerky.

- See, you've got everything
worked out.

You're gonna k*ll it out there.

So it doesn't matter
what your dad thinks.

Just keep him out of your head.

- Keep him out of my head.

Keep him out of my head.
Keep him out of my...

- The big dog is here.
He's ready to Bone...

Jour.
[chuckles]

- It's gonna be hard
to keep him out of my head

when we can't keep him
out of the building.

- [whistles]
Wow, that's a beautiful dress.

- Oh, thank you.

- I was talking to the lizard.

- Why are you here?
To make fun of me?

- Well, I wasn't planning to,

but I didn't know
you'd be wearing that.

Mayan D.O. Double G.

- Look, I don't wanna
get into a fight.

I'm about to do
my presentation.

- Okay.

Do you want a scratch
behind the ear for good luck?

- [barks]

[hisses]

Hi, everyone.

I'm Mayan Lopez,
here to tell you

all about the amazing products
from Bone-jour.

[applause]

They've got everything
from pup-corn,

to pup-peroni, to pup-puccinos.

Hey, when a pun works,
a pun works.

Most importantly, no dog
can resist its delicious taste.

- Yes.

- And neither can I.

Mmm. Delicious.

These got me wagging for more.

Now, can I get a volunteer from
the crowd to give it a try?

- Oh.
[audience murmurs]

- I said, can I get
a volunteer from the crowd?

- Has anyone seen
a bearded dragon

in a custom denim jumpsuit?

- No one's trash enough
to eat dog food.

- I'm trash. I'll eat it.

[cheers and applause]

- [softly] Dad,
what are you doing up here?

- [softly] I'm proving that
pride isn't just saying it.

It's showing it.

[normally] Hi, everyone.
I'm George Lopez.

Mayan Lopez is my daughter,

and if she says that
these treats are delicious,

then by gum, they're delicious.

- Oh, well,
let me get you some.

- Now you and your dog
can eat out of the same bowl.

- No, Dad, don't--

- Mmm-mm.

The flavor is just--
[gags]

[hacking]

It tastes so good,
you'll want more.

- Dad, no.
Please don't--oh.

- [gagging]

You see?

It's delicious.
[chuckles]

Is that my lucky penny
down there?

[vomiting]

- Oh. Oh, God.

[gags]

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

Gross!
Churro's eating your vo--

vomit!

Oh.
[retches]

♪ ♪

- It's delicious.
[gags]

- Mmm.
- [retches]

- Mmm.
- [retches]

- Gross!
Churro's eating your vomit!

Churro's eating your--

[audio loops, plays]

[upbeat music playing]

[retching loops, plays]

- This will never not be funny.

- Gordo, can we talk for a sec?

- Okay, but make it quick,

'cause I gotta watch this video
a hundred more times.

- It's about you going
by Chance Lopez at school.

- [sighs]
Are you mad?

- No, no.

I just--I want you to learn
about where I came from.

- Grandpa says
you came from a long line

of squishy marshmallows.

- Well, he's 90% alcohol,
so we shouldn't listen to him.

I had my DNA analyzed,
and according to the results,

I am Dutch,
British, and German.

Which means I'm a purebred
filthy colonizer.

Great.
That's great.

I don't blame you for changing
your last name at school.

You're embarrassed of me.

- What? No.

I changed it so I can go
to recess earlier.

They let us out
in alphabetical order.

And I'm not sure
if you know this,

but V is near the end.

- You know,
back when I was a kid,

it was also near the end.

- I wanted to get outside
before the swings were taken.

I'm just trying to get
my swing on, Daddy.

- So you're not embarrassed

that someone like me
is your dad?

- Of course not.
You're my best friend.

- You really mean that, bud?

- Well, my best white friend.

- I'll take it.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Well, I'm no longer a brand
ambassador for Bone-jour.

They said they're going
in a different direction.

What does a lizard have
to do with dog food?

- I'm so sorry, Mayan.

But you know what?
Don't worry about it.

It's the Internet.
In a week,

everybody would have
forgotten all about it

as soon as that crazy white
woman goes nuts at Walmart.

"That sign says this
mayonnaise is two for one.

I ain't putting my top back on
till I get answers."

- Well, I'll get
another sponsorship

'cause I'm good at this.

I make great videos

when my father
doesn't throw up in them.

- Well, believe it or not,
I was trying to help you.

- Look, it's okay.

I realized that I don't
need your validation

or anyone else's.

I'm proud of myself
and my accomplishments

and I shouldn't be afraid
to say it.

- [clears throat]
Well, this has all left

a bad taste in my mouth.

- What, that I'm a successful,
competent woman

who doesn't need
her daddy's approval anymore?

- The dog food.

I still taste horse.

And it wasn't even real horse.

- So I have a confession.

- Chance's father
is Wilmer Valderrama?

- No.

I actually never
ate the dog food.

I always switched it
with turkey jerky.

- Wait a minute.

So you were pretending to eat

those disgusting dog treats
this whole time?

- Yeah.

- And you were scamming
everybody, Mayan?

- Yep.

- You're an incredible liar...

And I'm so proud of you.

- Did you just say
you were proud of me?

- I did, Mayan,
and I meant it too.

- That's all I ever
wanted to hear.

- I thought you didn't
need my validation.

- Just let me have this.

- I really am
an amazing dad, Mayan...

- Okay. Yup.

- And I think you should tell
me more, and buy me more stuff.

- Okay. Yep, I knew
this was gonna happen.

We were so close. Okay!
- I love you so much. Ow!

♪ ♪

- Dad? Where are you?

- Oh, Mayan, we're in here.

- These are fantastic,
by the way.

Thank you.

- What's up?
- This place is pretty cool.

Thanks for not
doing it in the house

in front of my seven year old.

A record player? Sweet.

[Santana's
"Oye Como Va" plays]

♪ ♪

- Okay!

This is where the party's at!

What's up? Whoo!

♪ ♪

- Mayan,
something is burning in the--

♪ ♪

Ay, fiesta!
- [groans]

- Oh, I love this song.
- Oh.

- [gasps] Are you watching
"Born in East L.A."?

Oh! Ay!

It's my favorite.

♪ ♪

- I liked this place better,
Oscar,

when it was less popular.