01x15 - Lopez vs Primos

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

both: ♪ Good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning to you ♪

♪ Good morning,
good morning ♪

♪ It's morning for you ♪

♪ Get out of my room ♪

♪ If you don't leave quickly ♪

♪ I'll fart box this room ♪

Hey, come on.
Chance is seven.

He should be able
to wake up on his own

like a normal person
by choking on his own burp.

Quinten and I
know what we're doing.

Yeah,
we won Parents of the Year

two years in a row.

- Who gives that award?
- I do.

And heads-up,
I can be bought.

Okay.
Breakfast time, Gordo.

But I'm tired.

Carry me?

Of course. Come on.

[grunts]

Mm.

I don't know
why you're carrying him.

He's not even drunk.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

I'm so excited my primos
are coming for spring break.

We 'bout to turn up!

Oh, well, as long
as I can turn down by 10:00.

I just love
how in Latinx families,

your cousins
are also your best friends.

That's true.

I've got 172 best friends.

I have one cousin.

She's 16 and hates me.

[knock at door]

[squeals]

[all squealing]

Oh, Quentin,
you remember Yesika.

Ooh, on socials,
it's Hell-dash-Yesika.

I'm an influencer now.

What are you
under the influence of?

And can I have some?

- Miguel, how's grad school?
- It's going great.

I'm getting my doctorate
in Chicano studies

with an emphasis
on the cultural significance

of the Hot Cheeto.

Yeah, I saw your TED Talk.

How did you make the connection

between Cheeto dust
and Aztec w*r paint?

It's obvious...

when you're on 'shrooms.

Orale, that's
how this Chicano studies.

And, Luna,
I didn't know you were coming.

You didn't return
any of my texts.

I unplugged months ago.

And now I live in a van.

People say
that traveling changes you,

but I just keep
becoming more myself.

Wow, your lives are amazing.

Luna's free to travel
wherever she wants.

I'm just living off vibes.

Miguel's a scholar
and activist.

Para la raza.

And Yesika's famous for...

being hot.

[giggles] Aw.

It's true.

My brand is girl
who gets invited onto boats.

You know,
like Luna's brand is van life,

and Miguel's is
Flaming Hot Chicano.

Oh. Oh, um, what's our brand?

I'm guessing Kirkland?

Oh!

[chuckles]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Relax.
No, we are proud parents.

That's lame, aye!

That's why I never
made parenting my brand.

I went for the obvious:

cholo zaddy.
Watch out.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Are you making Chance

a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?

Let him make his own.

He doesn't know how.

The ingredients
are in the name.

It's not that simple, Grandpa.

I require a very complicated
peanut butter to jelly ratio.

This is why you don't have
time for fun, or friends,

or going to traffic school
for me.

Oh, my dad is right.

My primos are living
these exciting lives,

and here we are

picking peanuts
out of peanut butter.

Your fault
for not getting creamy, Mom.

Okay. You know what?

No, we are not doing chores.

We are going out
with your primos.

Who's gonna watch Chance?

George is.

I didn't agree to that.

You did say
that we should have more fun.

Well,
why would you listen to me?

I have terrible ideas.

- Thanks.
- Have fun.

Grandpa, will you
hand that sandwich to me?

It looks so delicious, but...

it's all the way over there.

You're right.
It is delicious.

With the perfect ratio of mine,
not yours.

[upbeat saxophone music]

Oh, this van is so cool.

It has a toilet.

I brought juice boxes
and little bags of Cheerios

if anyone gets hungry.

Mayan, remember, we're
making different choices today.

We're living like your primos.

Make room for the queen.

- Ooh!
- Hey, familikas!

Today, I'm hanging out
with my awesome, fun primos.

both: Aw!

And my sad, boring primos.

both: Aw.

Can we show them
how to live their best life?

all: Hell-dash-Yesika!

[giggles]

And the wide shoulder pads
in the zoot suit

represents
the weight of oppression

on the shoulders
of the mighty Chicano.

[all snapping fingers]

What does
the pocket watch represent?

Hmm?

Oh, nothing.
It's just cool, fool.

Finally,
I get to discuss books

that don't have
green eggs or ham.

A big part of van life

is sourcing your own food from
nature, like these berries,

or as I call them,
nature's berries.

Oh, wow, these are way better
than Kirkland berries.

That's van life.

♪ Can you feel the b*at
within my heart? ♪

♪ Can't you see my love
shine through the dark?

♪ Can you feel the b*at
within my heart? ♪

♪ Can't you see my love
shine through the dark? ♪

♪ Can't you see
that you must be a part ♪

♪ Of that b*at in my heart? ♪

♪ That b*at in my heart ♪

[knock at door]

I do not mean to brag,

but I just flipped the hell
out of this sign!

I was like, wah!

Oh.

Good work, Oscar,

channeling your ADHD
into a job skill.

What was that?

[knock at door]

Oh, that's my client.

Go hide in my office.

I don't want him to think
I take in drifters.

Javier, welcome.

May I call you Javier?

No.

Okay.

Well, it's signing time.

I already went over the terms
of your life insurance policy

with your wife, Teresa.

May I call her Teresa?

No.

Hey, wait.

This says she gets all
the money, and I get nothing.

Well, you'd be dead, so...

Exactly.

My wife just wants me
to get life insurance

so that she can
poison my menudo

and buy a Bentley
for her sancho.

Well, with the policy
and your budget,

she's looking more
at a pre-owned Kia Sorrento.

[laughs]

I reconsidered.

I handle the finances
in my family,

and I'm not signing this.

My wife will get life insurance
over my dead body.

Yes, that's how it works.

Well, there's no way
to spin that.

You Latino men
are so machista.

You know
how much money I miss out on

because men don't want to buy

from a powerful,
fashionable, sensual woman

who often gets mistaken
for a cable news anchorperson?

You know, you've got a problem
with machismo idiots,

and I can help.

How? Are you some sort
of idiot whisperer?

[whispers] Yes.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- [toy g*n clicks]
- Ay!

Take that, colonizer!

I learned that from Tio Miguel.

I'll remember that
for the police report.

[sighs]

Let's play a new game,
all right?

This one is called
Scavenger Hunt.

Let's see if you can find...

a dinosaur,

a minion,

and a half-eaten
chicken nugget.

You're doing good.
You're doing good.

Three, two, one!

Oh!

- Found them all.
- You did.

- Are you having fun, Gordo?
- Yeah.

You should have a turn, Grandpa.

Maybe later on.

[upbeat saxophone music]

I feel so cool. Do you?

Ah, so cool.

Well, well, well...

I hope you had fun

while others were
languishing at home.

Are you drinking wine?

Yes, Mayan, I am,

because that's
the kind of day that I've had.

I had to clean,
and do laundry,

and chase around
the Latino Dennis the Menace.

So don't judge me,

because Mommy needs her juice.

Okay, I'm--I'm not ready
to go back to our old lives.

This is the first time in years
that my fingers

haven't smelled
like peanut butter.

I mean, the primos
are here all weekend.

Why don't we keep the party
going with an actual party?

That's a great idea.

After the day that I've had,

I could use a party.

No.

You're gonna watch Chance again
so we can have fun.

What? Okay.
Listen, that's not fair.

Hey, it's payback for
all the times that you partied

instead of being a responsible
parent when I was a kid.

Damn, actually that is fair.

Primos,
we're throwing a party.

[gasps]
both: Yeah!

I won't even charge
to show up.

Oh, we're gonna
have this place bouncing

like a low rider.

To honor our ancestors.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

It's lucky your cousins
have so many friends

since our social circle is...

Chance.

All right, Chance,

we're camping out
in the truck tonight,

but I want you
to take a good look around

so you appreciate what I'm
giving up to take care of you.

[sighs]
You're a grandpa.

Let it go, man.

He's kidding.
I'm the sexy nephew

from the island of Ensenada.

We'll see you
in the morning, buddy.

You guys get to party
and I don't?

That's not fair!

You took our twenties
from us!

I'm sorry.

You gotta let us have this, buddy.

Dang, I guess that is fair.

[glass shattering]

Uh-oh. You think
that was something valuable?

Doesn't matter,
because that means

that this party is lit.

Do people still say "lit"?

That was lit!

They do!
[chuckles]

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

Thanks for giving our company
a second chance.

I think you'll have a better
connection with my boss.

Hello.

My name is Mr. Office.

You can call him Oscar.

Let us go down on business.

Good to meet you, Oscar.

Hey, you see that fight
Friday night, huh?

Yep, saw it the way
it was meant to be seen:

on stolen cable
in my mom's garage.

And your mom's hot?

I mean, kinda, I guess.

So what do you say, Javi?

You ready to sign this policy?

Then we can do
what real machos do:

shop for belts
at the swap meet.

Still not ready to sign,
but I'm up for the swap meet.

I got some corduroy slippers
to return.

Cancel my afternoon,
Mrs. Secretary.

I'm taking my client
to the swap meet.

[upbeat saxophone music]

[Usher's "Yeah"]

We should throw a party
every weekend.

I just met a girl named Margo

who's moving to Paris
on a whim.

A whim, Quentin!

I talked to a guy
who live-streams himself

playing video games all day,

and people think he's cool.

Where did I go wrong?

What's with the line
outside the bathroom?

♪ ♪

Sorry.

- Everything okay?
- Don't worry.

It's just
that time of the month...

when my tapeworm starts ramming
against my stomach lining.

Did you just say "tapeworm"?

[sighs]

Part of van life
is forging from dumpsters.

Sometimes you pick up a
perfectly good head of lettuce.

Sometimes
you pick up a parasite.

Mm.
[stomach gurgling]

Okay, I'm going back in. Ooh.

We'll go find you a plunger.

That you can keep forever.

- Miguel?
- Mm?

- Mm.
- What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just researching
the dietary habits

of a multigenerational
Chicano family.

I'm stealing food.

What?

Don't you have
a meal plan at school?

No, what I have is
$300,000 in student debt,

and I didn't even go
to a good school.

Dear Lord! Oh!

Yesika, what's wrong?

I lost all my sponsors
to a new influencer

named Hell-slash-Yesika.

She's just like me, but...

she actually
has something to say.

Well, at least you still
have 50,000 followers.

They're all bots!

Okay, the primos' lives

do not seem as glamorous
as they did earlier.

I mean, Luna's got a tapeworm,
Miguel is starving,

and now Yesika
is so-dash-depressika.

You guys,
you might want to check out

what's happening
in the sex room.

Which room is that?

The one with the bunk beds
and the sex toys--

well, regular toys
people are using for sex.

- Oh, God!
- Oh! Run!

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ Girl look at that body ♪

Mayan,
I was just in Chance's room.

We're gonna have
to burn all the sheets.

Someone did install
a cool swing set, though.

We made a huge mistake.

All right.
It's time to shut this down.

Everybody, party's over.

- Uh, it's time to go home.
- Yeah.

I am home, homes.

Dad, where's Chance?

I left him with Rosie.
I ain't about that parent life.

You guys, I'm so sorry.

[laughter]

- Oh, wow.
- Ooh.

[chuckles]

All that swap meet tequila
went right through me.

Uh, bathroom?

Ohh.

So how did it go?

Did you idiot-whisper Javier
into signing?

No, but I got him drunk.

And I convinced him to keep
those corduroy slippers.

Okay, I can work with drunk.

George is
the most stubborn man I know,

but after a few,

there's one thing
that melts his machismo.

A Pit Bull named Poncho.

Mariachi.

[soft mariachi music]

Ahh-ha-ha-ha-ha-hi!

Ahh-ha-ha-ha-hi!

Oh, I love this song.

It reminds me of my mom.

Is she also hot?

I mean,
she wasn't spray-painted

on half the low riders
in Downey because she was ugly.

She d*ed last year.

Yeah, I had to take care
of all the arrangements myself.

- That sounds so expensive.
- Yeah.

If only there was something
that could cover those costs

and leave enough left over

to get a tattoo of her face
on your arm.

Yeah,
I had to do this one myself.

Oh, wow.
Your mom was Chewbacca.

That's great.

You don't want to leave
your wife in the same situation

if you go first.

Yeah, okay.

Where do I sign?

♪ ♪

- We did it.
- You did it.

You are a great agent.

I know.

Just remember,
behind every machismo man

is a little boy who just
wants a hug from his mom.

Or his best friend's ex-wife.

Get out.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- [all groaning]
- Okay.

Grilled PB&J with potato chips.

It is
the world's best hangover cure.

I think.
This is my first hangover.

I'm full.

Yeah, I accidentally swallowed
one my eyelashes last night.

[groans]

Can I have extra?
I'm eating for two.

Oh, you're pregnant?
Congratulations.

No, it's for me and my worm.

Congratulations.

Man, I'm so jealous.

You guys
have your life together.

You really are
Parents of the Year.

Adopt me?

You know, maybe we focus
so much of our time on Chance

'cause it's easier
than trying to figure out

our identities outside
of being parents.

I mean, it's tough
because Chance needs us.

I mean, we have to be up early
to get him dressed,

make him breakfast.

Morning.

I'll be making
my own PB&J today.

That's right.
I'm a man now.

Good,
now you can get out there

and get your own bunk bed.

He's making
his own breakfast?

Well, that's gonna save us
some time.

So maybe we can have fun
every once and a while,

like wine tasting
at Kirkland Vineyards.

Okay.

But we're gonna need
to lean on Dad more.

You know I don't like
when you call me that.

[upbeat saxophone music]