01x03 - Someone's at the Gyno with Reba

[bunniefuu]

- How does this look?
- Like a truck on a wall.

Perfect! Man, it feels good
to have all my stuff back!

I can't believe your parents
chucked it on the front lawn.

Yeah, but it was cool
of the gardeners to

Help, though. That guy
with the leaf blower...

Really rounded up my socks fast.

Where are you gonna
put the rest of this crap?

Well, I'm gonna put
my clothes in the...

Or maybe the...

Or right here... On the floor.

I hope one of those
trash bags has a maid in it.

Mrs. H., I'm giving the
room a touch of van.

It's not a gentle touch, is it?

You wanna give me a
hand here? What's that?

My lucky comforter. Wildcat
colors. The orange and black attack.

More like halloween vomit.

Obviously cheyenne hasn't
seen this. Isn't it great?

She's gonna freak.

My girls.

You're gonna hang that in here?
yeah. To help me get worked up.

Not like that. For the game.

But something's missin'.
Certainly not implants.

I know.

See, the head cheerleader's
cheerin' me on. "Go, van!"

She really didn't say that,
but it's sort of like she did.

You're gonna wish you had a bubble
over your head when your wife gets here.

It's all right, mrs. H. Cheyenne
knew I was bringin' my gear.

- She wants me
to feel at home.
- Van, listen to me.

This isn't good. I
know my daughter.

- She was moody
before she was pregnant.
- Hey.

- What do you think?
- Oh, my god.

G... I... I love it.

Liar. No. No. I... I do.

What's your favorite
part? The headlights on

The truck or the ones
on the cheerleaders?

It's hard to say. I
guess it's the way...

It says "mr. And mrs.
Van montgomery...

Live and love here."

Well, that sucked. Big time.

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[Muffled] hello. Hello?

Did it ever occur to you
that I might need some help?

I'm not a mind reader.

wait a minute. What are
you doing here? I don't know.

Your father was supposed
to pick you up half an hour ago.

Why do I bother makin' a schedule
if nobody's gonna stick to it?

- I don't know.
- Who put an empty carton of milk
back in the refrigerator?

I don't know.

[clanking] what is that?

What is this contraption?
This is the exer-cist.

This little puppy's great
for your abs and butt.

Sorry. I didn't mean to
talk about your butt.

- Why is this in my living room?
- There's no room
in the garage,

And I figure this way,
everybody can use it.

Plus, there's a good airflow, so
the sweat smell won't knock you out.

And luckily, it's downwind
from the fancy eatin' table.

Don't worry. It's totally portable. I
can have it moved on a day's notice.

- Pretend I told you yesterday.
- Hey.

Well, it's about time.
Your son's been waiting.

- It upsets him
when you're late.
- Yes! Level three!

He's a man. He
hides his emotions.

- Ooh! The exer-cist!
- Cool, huh?

You know, maybe I'll
keep a pair of shorts over

Here, and we can work
out together sometimes.

It's not stayin', in spite of
what it could do for my butt.

Let's go, buddy. Okay. I've
made a list for you two.

You made a list of things I should do
with my son? No. I would never do that.

I made a list of
things not to do.

Like last week, you took
him to the dog track.

He won 75 bucks.

You told me it was 50!

Hey, those nachos weren't free.

Come on. Let's go, jake.

[Scoffs] no golf?

Reba, this list is ridiculous.
The kid loves to caddy.

Come on. Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

Hey, you sound just
like coach harrell. Now

Tell me I'm worthless
and I hit like a girl.

Eww.

Eww.

Eww. Oh!

If only you'd read that
a couple of months ago.

Shouldn't van be here
by now? He'll be here.

He's a football
player. He's very busy.

So how is the room
you "live and love in"?

It's fine. It's a little more crowded
with the exercise machine, thanks to you.

You let him put that in your
room? My husband has a hot bod,

And I fully support that.

Oh. So how's van's cheerleader
posters growin' on ya?

Not that those gals
need to do any growin'.

Mom, come on. No. I'm curious.

Which one's your favorite? Brandi
with an "i" or brandy with a "y"?

All right. All right.
They're all stupid.

And two of them aren't even
that cute. Oh, thank the lord.

My little girl's back.
Mom, marriage is hard.

I actually have to think
about his feelings. It's so unfair.

Tell me about it.

You know, it's like... It's scary
when you're dating and it ends.

It's, like, who cares? You
know, you're going to college.

But when your marriage
breaks up, you're just a loser.

No. I... I'm sorry.
I... I didn't mean you.

I meant for young people.

Are you through?
Yeah. I think so.

Look. You're gonna have to
tell van how you're feelin'.

You're right. I'll tell him.
As soon as he gets here.

Well, at least he's comin'. When I was
pregnant, your father wouldn't get...

Within 50 feet of a
gynecologist's office.

Oh. Hey, reba.

- Mom!
- Brock.

Guess what I just saw.

I even got a picture of it.

[Nervous chuckle] the baby.

Yeah.

Why is he here?
Why are you here?

Oh, dr. Schmidt and I are
doing this trade thing.

He's taking care of b.j., And
I'm giving his wife a root canal.

I'm comin' out way
ahead on the deal.

Hey, reba.

Dr. Schmidt is t-rific.

[Giggles]

[Sighs] what's wrong with you? This
is supposed to be father/son time,

Not
father/son/mistress/gynecologist time.

Oh, come on. The kid
had a blast. And besides,

You're always after me to do
stuff with him that's educational.

jake... Jake, put that down.
The uterus is not a toy.

This is why I give
you lists. Well, the

Gynecologist office
wasn't on the "not to do" list.

You don't see "strip
club" on the list, but

I can write it down if
there's any question.

- [brock] oh, boy, here we go again.
- you never change.

- Can you talk about this later?
- Let's everybody
take a deep breath...

[Inhales deeply] and
visualize the beach.

You wanna know what I'm
visualizin'? All right. We're leavin'.

Let's go, jake. [Jake]
where are we goin'?

Well, son, I don't know, but we certainly
won't be "getting our new shoes wet."

- [Inaudible dialogue] - hey,
coach. How's it goin'?

- [Scoffs] - hey, babe.
I'm sorry I'm late.

I hope you're not mad.
Of course I'm not mad.

You're my husband, and I love
you. I couldn't decide what to wear.

I've never been examined
by a gynecologist before.

- Montgomery.
- Wish me luck.

- [knocking]
- hello, hello!

- Where's brock?
- He seemed a little tense,

So I dropped him off at the
drivin' range after dinner.

- Dinner?
- I had a banana split,
a snickers and an iced mocha.

Can I stay up all night?

Just a doll.

Please thank brock for bringing him
home late and all jacked up on sugar.

I know what's really bothering
you, and I just want to assure you...

That jake was out of the room with
brock while I was being looked at by the...

[Whispering] "down
there" doctor.

I'll call later. Okay.

[clanking]

Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me.

[clanking continues] cheyenne.

I thought you were gonna tell him
to get that machine out of your room.

I was, but then I realized it doesn't
really bother me. Van needs his space,

And I didn't wanna make
a big deal about it, mom.

Well, I do. Mom. Mom! Mom, stop!

Go, van. Come on. Yeah.
Come on. Come on. Yeah.

[Yelps] go, van. Go!
Come on. Hey, mrs. H.

You can't keep this thing in
here. Cheyenne said it was cool.

- Tell him.
- Tell me what?

Tell him you don't want
this thing in here. What?

Mom, not now. He's been livin'
out of trash bags for a week.

I don't mind. But she does.

What? You don't like
my trash bag system?

Well... It's not
really a system, van.

It... It's more like a
big, disgusting mess.

Big, disgusting mess? Is that your
fancy way of saying you don't like it?

- Yeah.
- I can't believe this.

What's next? Are you gonna tell
me you don't like the cheerleaders?

Oh, man! This is a nightmare!

It's like I don't even know you.

How could you possibly
think that I would wanna

Wake up every day and
see that in my room?

I'm sorry. I thought
it was our room. [Sighs]

Come on, girls. We're
outta here. No. Van.

- Thanks a lot, mom.
- Now, cheyenne.

It was gonna happen sooner
or later. You can't live like this.

- Oh, and screaming at each other
is so much better?
- Just because you're married,

You shouldn't be afraid to
say what's on your mind. [Sighs]

I don't know why you weren't
honest with him in the first place.

Well, maybe 'cause I didn't wanna
drive him away like you drove away dad.

Whoa, whoa! Get back here!

Look, mom, I'm sorry, okay? Just forget
about it. No. I'm not gonna forget it.

Do you actually think I'm
the reason your father left?

Well, isn't it obvious?
You pretty much

Control everything
that happens around here.

I'd rather not
take credit for this.

You know what? If something isn't
exactly the way you think it should be,

You just have to say something.

Why can't you just
leave things alone? I mean,

Do you really think dad would care
what kind of comforter's on the bed?

No. It's obvious your father's
not picky about what's on his bed.

- Hello, reba.
- You're late.

I'm sorry.

I got here as soon as I could. Is the
rest of the family coming in for therapy?

No. I figured it's easier to fix 'em
when they're not here gettin' in the way.

So... What's the big emergency?

Where do I start? My seven-year-old
son spent yesterday at the gynecologist.

My daughter blames me for
everything wrong in her life.

And nobody bothers
to put milk on the list.

Why don't we start with the thing
that is bothering you the most?

The milk.

Uh-huh.

You know, reba, sometimes
when life becomes chaotic,

We tend to focus on controlling the
smaller issues to avoid the bigger issues.

You know, this isn't the first time I've
been accused of this controlling thing,

And, frankly, I'd like
to put a stop to it.

I see.

I mean, I was the one
that stuck by her.

He wasn't even gonna come to
her wedding, which I planned myself.

And don't get me started on
that exer-cist in her bedroom.

No matter what I
do, I get the blame.

I should just let them fend
for themselves for a change.

They'd fall flat on
their face in five minutes.

- Or they'd learn
to take care of themselves.
- [Scoffs] fat chance.

Well, you never know
until you give it a shot.

So what do I do?

Nothing. Say again.

Look, I know it's a
scary concept, but try it.

You're losing me. Take
some time for yourself.

Get a massage. Go to a
movie. Take up a hobby.

Couldn't you just write
me a prescription instead?

- So what did mom say exactly?
- She said, "feed your brother
and sister.

- I'm going to the movies."
- She's lost it.

- What are we going to eat?
- I don't know.

There's, like, nothing in here.

- What's goin' on?
- So you're talking to me now?

Only because I'm hungry.

Well, we're in a crisis, so
go away. What's the crisis?

Mom bolted, so we have to make dinner for
ourselves. No way. What are we gonna eat?

- You eat the most. Why
don't you make something?
- I can make chili.

You got a can of chili?

- We're all going to die.
- [Cheyenne grunts]

Do I have to do
everything myself?

Daddy?

- Pizza man. - [Jake] yea!

Thank you, daddy. I was this
close to rolling jake in a tortilla.

Thanks, coach. Mmm. Onions.

If you have any interest in kissing
me tonight, you will not eat those.

Mmm. Onions.

- So what's up with you two?
- We're having
our first married fight.

- It's awful.
- Honey, it was bound
to happen sooner or later.

- Yeah. That's what mom said.
- Well, she should know.

We had a thousand of those little fights,
and then, of course, the one big one.

Well, the whole thing's
her fault anyway.

I mean, I do not know how you lived
with her. She is such a control freak.

Tell me about it. I
got lists up the wazoo.

She's constantly interfering,
telling people what to do.

- Or what not to do.
- It's no wonder
she drove you away, dad.

Say, listen. Could you guys take
your pizza and eat it in the living room?

Mom doesn't let us
eat in the living room.

- Well, she's not here.
- Cool!

No, no, no. Wait a second.

If that's the rule,
then... Use napkins.

And give yourself a
time-out after you've finished.

Cheyenne, honey,
you got it all wrong.

Your mama didn't drive me away. Dad,
it's me. You don't have to defend her.

Sweetheart, I'm not the
easiest guy to get along with.

You know, the fact that your mama
stayed with me as long as she did...

Shows just how
amazing she really is.

I can't believe you said that. Look, I
know she can be tough sometimes,

But... I've always admired
the way she speaks her mind.

[Sighs] then what
happened with you guys?

Well, we had some
little problems.

And little problems become big
problems when you don't communicate, and...

That's not exactly
my strong point.

Yeah. That's what mom said.
Oh, yeah. Like she's perfect.

Hey. Hey.

So, uh, when did you get home?

A little while ago.

It's nice out here.

- So how was the movie?
- Good.

Did you know the last time I went to
see a movie was before jake was born?

They're a lot louder now.

- So how'd you guys
make out tonight?
- Okay.

Dad brought pizza.

- We also talked.
- That's nice.

Mom, he made me realize...

That... I was wrong...

About a lot of things.

I am so sorry about the
horrible thing that I said to you.

You have every right
to k*ll me if you want to.

Wow. There really is
something to this "doin' nothin'."

What does that mean? Well, I had a
little talk with someone today myself.

Course, my talk cost me


That you and van are married now, and that
I have to let you make your own mistakes.

That's how you're gonna
learn. So no more interferin'.

Sometimes, the best thing I can do
for the two of you is nothin' at all.

I love you, mom. Ohh.

But you're still gonna
do laundry, right? [Scoffs]

No.

So when you wanna look
at it, just open the door,

And the rest of
the time, keep it shut.

That's gonna work great.
We have an awesome marriage.

I know. But remember, this
honesty thing works both ways,

So if there's ever anything that I do
that bothers you, you can tell me, okay?

Okay.

Well, I kinda wasn't
gonna say anything, but...

I kinda wish you wouldn't put that
potpourri stuff in my underwear.

I went through a whole practice
with an acorn in my jockstrap.

I didn't do that.
Well, then who did?

I've been under a lot of stress.