01x06 - The Man and the Moon

[bunniefuu]

[rattling]

Now I think
we've got it. [Clicks]

[Gurgling]

Is it fixed?

Afraid not.

The brown gunk's supposed
to go down instead of up.

That's the way it looked
when dad used to fix it.

I'm aware of that.

What a shame we don't have a man
around the house to fix these things.

Huh?

We don't need a man. I've got
everything under control.

Jake, hand me that metal doohickey
with the screwy thing on the...

Yeah, that's it. Thanks.

Hey. Oh, hey!

You want something to eat? No.

I've gained four
pounds. That's good.

That's the baby
growing. The mini-me.

Hey, he's a mini-van!

Mini-van. That is so cute.

All right, jake. Bet you 50
cents it's gonna work this time.

[Clicks] [gurgles]

Pay up.

Put it on my bill.
I'll be right back.

After the game, a couple of us
are going to randy's to hang out.

You wanna come?

No, I don't think so. Lara
invited me to go get pizza,

But you know how
food makes me sick.

You should go, cheyenne.
Get out of the house.

No point just sitting here
watching yourself get fat.

Van! You know what I mean.

You out with your
friends, me out with mine.

Then we hook up later.
It'll be just like junior year...

Except we're married, you're
pregnant and everything's different.

Okay, jake. Stand back.
This could get messy.

Mom, what are you doing?

The disposal's all jammed up. I'm doing
exactly what your father used to do,

Minus the cuss words.

- Yeah, why don't you
just call a plumber?
- Ha!

I don't need a plumber. I've
got it all under control.

[Bubbling]

Cool!

Go get me the yellow pages.

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Okay, give me the
bad news. I can take it.

You have very sick plumbing.

- How bad are we talking?
- Your disposal might not
make it through the night.

[Laughs]

Oof! I seen this a lot.

Your husband's been
playing plumber, hasn't he?

Among other things.

That's why we're
gettin' a divorce.

I'm sorry to hear that. Well,
it's good news for my sink.

Okay, partner, I'll
see you on sunday.

Bye, dad! Bye.

Hi, mom! Hey, babe.

Oh, reba, you didn't.

What? You hired a plumber?

There's nothing wrong with
that sink. I fixed it myself.

Yeah, right. [Laughs]

Well, hi!

Mr. Hayden, this is my... Brock.

And that's his... B.j.

Pleased to meet
you. Right back at ya.

You want me to take a look under
there? I know everything about that sink.

Maybe you can explain this.

Well, now you broke it.

Where's the tennis ball?

Oh, is that what that was?

Yeah, well, make sure you use a
four-gauge p.v.c. With nylon bushings.

- Actually, mr. Hart...
- Actually, it's dr. Hart...

Oh. Oh.

Well, still, your bushings have to
be compatible with your threads.

See, you got
three-quarter male threads.

You questioning the
size of my threads?

Oh, honey. All that
man talk! [Laughs]

Oh, I just love it when
he talks that way.

You mean, like an idiot?

[Whistles]

Since when do
you hire a plumber?

Since you're not around
to work your magic anymore.

You may not appreciate the nuance of
my sink work, reba, but it's very good.

He's right. He just installed
a padded toilet seat,

And you can't get
me off that thing.

Glad you could
tear yourself away.

I don't think this guy
knows what he's doing.

Why isn't he wearing a jumpsuit?

Excuse me. I fixed
your disposal,

But you might want to think about
changing that faucet real soon.

I get a discount over
at premium fixtures.

So let me know if you're
interested. Thanks.

Do you realize what
just happened here?

That guy's hitting on you!

[Sputtering] [b.j. Laughing]

That's funny.

I know! [Laughing]

It's not that funny.

Man, what nerve. You're not even divorced
yet. He's already moving in on you.

Oh, that is so wrong.

He is not hitting on me, brock.

And even if he was, it's
got nothing to do with you.

You don't live here anymore.

Yeah, well, my kids do!

And they shouldn't have to be
exposed to that sort of thing.

Jake just spent the morning with
you and your pregnant mistress.

I don't think new plumbing's
gonna push him over the edge.

♪♪ [electronic]

[laughing]

You guys, I've totally
missed hanging out with y'all!

We missed you too!
We did! We missed you!

Even though you're pregnant,
you're still totally fun.

Thanks!

I can't believe we're really
doing this! I am so nervous!

Oh, my god! There's the bus!

Oh, my god! I have goose
bumps! Oh, my god! Me too!

[All] oh, my god!

Okay, get into position.

Okay, y'all. Y'all
ready? Mm-hmm.

[all] whoo! Go,
wildcats! [Horn honking]

Whoa! They're
moonin' us! [Laughs]

No way! Buttage?

Look, that one's got
writing on it. It says, "go, van."

What? Go, van.

[Chanting] go,
van. Hey, stop it!

Knock it off! That's
my wife's butt.

[Yelling, indistinct]

Aaah!

Ooh!

All right, sucker.

I've tried to be nice,
but you're outta here!

Is that plumber guy here?

Take a look at this.

"Three-quarter-inch
threads." Ha!

- Why is your blouse all wet?
- I'm entering
the wet blouse contest.

What do you think?

It's that stupid thing.

Oh, reba, this guy's got you
brainwashed into thinking...

There's something wrong
with a perfectly good faucet.

[Scoffs]

Hel...

He's rigged it to do that.

This guy is slick.
Okay, I've had it.

I'm gonna call bill and get
him to replace that thing.

"Bill"? You call him "bill"?

You're on a first name
basis with your handyman?

Oh, call me a flirt. The
mailman's name is george,

And the paperboy
lets me call him timmy.

Hey, bill? It's reba hart.

Does your offer to help me
pick out a new faucet still stand?

Good, 'cause I'm ready to shop.

Yeah, great. 5:00
Is fine. Thanks.

Reba, that's a date.

How could it be a
date? He's a handyman.

You are so naive.

These guys make a living taking
advantage of lonely housewives.

I just don't want
you gettin' hurt.

Yes, you've proven
that time and time again.

Where have you been?

Just out with the
girls having fun.

Go, van. Okay,

- I never wanna
hear that again.
- Why?

You made it dirty.

Oh, come on.

It was a joke. You were the one
who said I should go out and have fun.

Yeah, by fun I meant eat
pizza and cheer for me.

Go, van. Okay, stop that!

So I mooned with
some girlfriends.

It's not like you guys
have never mooned anyone.

But we're guys. We do
it to gross people out.

When girls do it,
it's-it's different.

Oh, please. That is so sexist.

I'm not being sexist. All I'm
saying is you're my wife now,

And your butt belongs to me.

Excuse me?

Well, it's more mine than
anyone else's. Except yours.

Look, married or not married, my
butt is mine to do with as I please.

And I don't appreciate
your neanderthal attitude.

And I don't appreciate you
using words I don't know.

Well, I had fun tonight.

I'm glad I mooned the bus! It was
very freeing. I might even do it again.

- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I might.

Guess what I just saw on the
internet? What are you doing?

Check it out. There's
a full moon tonight.

Oh, my god! It's my butt.

What?

One of your stupid
friends had a camera?

Hey, look. You can
vote on your favorite.

"Pick your butt, 2001"?

Kind of like the miss america
pageant but cut to the chase.

Oh, my god. This is horrible.

Horrible? What happened to...
[High-pitched voice] "it was so fun!

It was so freeing! I
might even do it again!"

I do not sound like that.

Actually, you do.

Van, please, you
have to help me.

"Van, please, you
have to help me."

Van, sleep on the
couch. "Van, sleep on..."

Okay, I'll take care of it.

[kyra] where are you going?

The handyman's picking me up.
He's takin' me to get a new faucet.

He's picking you up?
You mean, like a date?

No, he's picking me
up, like a handyman.

That didn't sound right.

Well, it sounds like a date.

It's not a date.

Don't you think if I was goin' out on
a date, I would talk to you kids first?

You'd better. I didn't have any
input on my future stepmom,

And now look
what I'm stuck with.

[doorbell rings]

Why is everybody makin'
such a big deal about this?

He's just a nice guy who
offered to help me get a faucet.

Hey, reba.

[Chuckles] hi, bill.

Don't you look and...
[Sniffs] and smell nice.

Thank you. [Laughs]

I'll be right back.

That must be one
fancy faucet shop.

Here's a nice one. Let's go.

Reba, we just got here.

I know, but I believe
in going with my gut.

But this is a bathroom faucet.

Oh. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles] is there... Is there some
reason you don't wanna do this?

I guess I am a little nervous.

It's been a while since
i... Picked out a faucet.

You should never be
intimidated by a faucet.

My bill may scare
ya, but... [Laughs] [laughs]

Come on, reba. Come on.
Give it a chance. Look around.

Oh, you're right. What's wrong
with me just looking around?

Are you sure I can't
use one of these?

This is a .44 jet sink sprayer.

The most powerful
sprayer in the world.

So you gotta ask
yourself a question...

"Do I feel lucky?"

dirty harry. oooh!

That was good.

Hey, guess who this
is... "Hi, I'm ted koppel."

[Laughing] you're a natural.

Oh, hey, reba. Reba,
look at this here. Oh!

Now here's something you don't
see every day. I love claw-foot tubs.

My grandma had one of these.

Hop in. Take it for a spin.

Really? Isn't
that kind of silly?

[Snaps fingers] go for it.

Ooh, that's hot.

Hey, this is nice.

All I need is a couple
candles and a good book.

If you want, I can
come back later.

Sure. And can you get these
strangers out of my bathroom?

Sorry.

Man, the voting on
these butts is tight.

No way.

Patti's winning, and
lara's a close second,

Which leaves you a
little behind. [Laughs]

No, no, no. This is impossible. Something
must be wrong with the internet.

Yeah, that's it.

This is insane. My
butt is not a loser.

Hey, baby.

Van, I thought that you
were gonna take care of this.

I did. Then why is "go, van"
still staring at me in the face?

See, you're losing.

I told everyone if they voted
for your butt, I'd kick theirs.

Why would you do that? To vote for
your butt, they have to look at your butt.

Just because they didn't vote for my
butt does not mean they didn't look at it.

Well, you shouldn't have
mooned me in the first place.

Well, I was just trying
to have some fun.

That might be my last chance to
moon until after I've had the baby.

My butt is not gonna look
that great for much longer.

By your fifth month, it won't
even fit on the computer.

Hey! I'm getting fat.

You're havin' a baby.
Yeah, so are you,

But you're not getting fat.

It's not fair. Why do I
have to carry the mini-van?

You're doing a great job.

Nobody voted for me. I did.

Actually, you got two votes.

Well, of course I
voted for myself.

[reba laughing] [bill] yeah.

honestly, that was the
cleanest truck I've ever seen.

Yeah, I know. The other
handymen make fun of me.

You didn't have to
walk me to the door.

Oh, I was actually walking your
faucet to the door. It's a little heavy.

Well, I had fun.

Who knew a faucet store
could be so much fun?

Uh...

That didn't work out all
that well, now did it? Oh, bill...

I was just, uh...
No. Hey, listen, uh...

Well, don't worry about it.

I shouldn't have done that. I just,
uh... Can we sit down for a second?

Sure.

I think I might have misled you.

I might have misled myself.

Yeah?

I didn't think this was gonna be
a date, but it kinda was, wasn't it?

Well, I don't usually take a lady
to a plumbing store on a first date.

You know, it was kind of a... Kind of a
semi-date. You know, kind of a pre-date...

That I was hoping would
lead to a bona fide date.

I had a great time.
And I like you a lot, bill.

But my divorce
isn't even final yet.

And as much fun as I
had on our semi-pre-date,

I don't know if I'm ready
to take that next step yet.

Well, I understand.

[Exhales] thanks.

Bill, I hope that when I am
ready, you might still be around.

I might be. Are you
playin' hard to get?

A good handyman is
always hard to get.

[Laughs]

Well, good night, reba.

Good night, bill.

hey, brock, whatcha doing?

I'm fixing your ice maker.

That's funny because bill
already took care of it.

Oh, did he?

Yeah. That cold stuff
in there is called ice.

What else has bill
been taking care of?

Excuse me? Oh, come on, reba.

He's been romancing you ever
since he set foot in this house.

Can you blame him?

No. So I was right
then. It was a date?

Well, let's see. I had coffee
and spent some time in a bathtub.

Yep. I'm pretty sure
you can call that a date.

Coffee?

You know what else? I
had a really good time.

Well, I'm not sure I like that.

Oh, come on, brock.
You made your choice.

You're with b.j. Now.

I know, reba. I just...

I'm looking out
for you. That's all.

No, you're not. You're uncomfortable
seeing me with someone else.

I know how that feels.

Yeah.

So you want me to
install that for you?

Brock,

Go on home.

Reba,

I think I might have really
screwed up your ice maker.

i think it's cute.

Course I'm partial. I
diapered that butt.

You don't think it
ruined my reputation?

Honey, I think that might have
happened when the stick turned blue.

What was I thinking? What if the
baby logs on one day and sees that?

Honey, by the time the
baby's able to log on,

There will be a whole
new crop of butts on there.

I just... I feel so stupid.

I'll let you in on
a little secret.

When I was a senior in high school,
I had this wild friend named maxine.

You never mentioned her before.

Exactly. Anyway,

It was right before the prom, and
we both went out and bought these...

Cute little strapless dresses.

Well, maxine didn't
want tan lines,

So we played hooky and
went down to the lake.

and guess who showed
up just about the time...

We were lying out
buck naked? Oh, mom!

The whole swim team. Oh!

[Laughs]

Lucky for you they didn't
have the internet back then.

Yep. But they did
have polaroids.

[Mouths word]