02x07 - Mommy Nearest

[bunniefuu]

Okay, louise. That's everything.

You're ready to take
over. Now, remember:

You don't have to be as good as I
was... Just better than reba was.

Lookin' for anything
in particular? No.

Just, you know... When employees
steal office supplies, we all pay.

Who pays when
they steal husbands?

Go ahead. Take a
stapler. here you go, reba.

I wrote you a great
letter of recommendation.

Basically, I lied.
I wasn't that bad.

Really? Because the
truth would sound like,

"Reba worked here for
three days, then quit,

Forcing me to hire someone
else at twice the pay."

Hey, I might've stayed
for twice the pay.

Nah.

Hi, brock. Cheat at golf lately?

Hello, eugene.

Gee, I guess a stack of malpractice
suits will make a guy hostile.

Hi, dr. Fisher. Did you come over
to borrow a cup of novocaine?

I just found out that my
louise is now working for you.

Poacher! Don't worry.
You'll find someone.

You know, there are a lot of people who
want to work for a moron with bad breath.

Yeah, I just had
a job like that.

Say, I'd be perfect to
replace your louise.

Reba. So are you available?

Eugene. Yes, I am.

Reba. I'll see you tomorrow.

- Eugene!
- Game, set, match!

[Sighs]

Look, brock, I know you and
eugene have some problems,

And maybe my workin' over there
will make you uncomfortable.

[Grunts]

But you gotta understand. For
me, it's gonna be a hoot. [Chuckles]

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Okay. Just so we're
all clear on this:

I'll be home at 5:30 and
take over from mrs. Wolf.

And we're going to
have a grand time.

- We can bake homemade bread.
- Cool!

And maybe later, kyra,
we could braid your hair.

Braids. I'll be the envy of
every girl in the village.

Oh, it's going to be fun. I've got
a box of sugar cubes in the car.

We can make an igloo. Oh, wow.

"The car"? I wouldn't let
her operate the dishwasher.

Seriously, mom, anybody
would be better than her.

Van would be better than her.

Can't you quit your stupid
groundskeeping job and stay home with us?

Not on my second day. Especially
since I called in sick yesterday.

Wouldn't be fair to my crew.

My man is on a crew.

Oh, this is so cool. He's
workin' at the university.

He has benefits. Plus, you
look so hot in that uniform.

Well, hey, it's not just about
makin' the grass look good,

Know what I mean?

Okay, kids. I know this isn't a
dream come true for any of us,

but I got a job now, and your job is to
pull together and help me through it, okay?

right, team? Ha-ha!
That's the spirit!

See you later! Oh, and
don't hurt the old lady.

Excuse me, muscular gardener.

Yes, attractive young coed?

I was just wondering if you knew
where the physical education building was.

Oh, where is that building? Because I
wanted to take a hot, steamy shower.

Okay. We better stop now.

This is so cool, van.

Who's the babe?
Hey, calm down, boy.

This is my wife, cheyenne.
Honey, this is oscar.

Oh, hi, oscar.

Oh, some friends that I met want us to
go to this concert on saturday night.

Oh, the van's all
booked. Tell her.

Yeah. Oscar's havin' a barbecue saturday
at his place, and I already said we'd go.

Um, excuse me.

Could I just talk to my
husband for a second, oscar?

We are not going to
that party with oscar.

Oscar's cool. Besides,
this is a work thing.

All right? My boss is gonna be there.
These guys are like a big fraternity.

They call themselves the grass
monkeys. I wanna be a part of that.

But, van, this job
is just temporary.

I mean, the friends that we make in
college will be our friends forever.

Sorry, but I'm
goin' to the party.

Well, sorry, but I'm
gonna go to the concert.

What the hell is
this? An impasse?

What? You heard
me, college student.

Oh, yeah. You're right. I did.

Good. Good. Have fun hanging
out with the grass turkeys.

It's grass monkeys!

Hey, kyra.

Man, am I beat.

Mrs. Wolf, I'm back!

Mrs. Wolf?

- You'll have to yell louder
than that. She went home.
- What did you do to her?

I didn't do anything.
She didn't feel well.

I think she's got a
bad case of "old."

You mean you kids have been
here all afternoon alone?

I wish.

Hello there, workin' girl!

Hello there,
why-are-you-here girl!

Hang on now. Mrs. Wolf
had a little tummy trouble,

And she accidentally hit
our number on the speed dial...

Somewhere between
"up" and "chuck."

So you've been here all day...

Touchin' my stuff?

You know, I don't
know if I'm really

Comfortable with you
bein' here when I'm not.

Where's the tea? Mm-mm-mm.

i moved your tea to the
canister marked "tea."

See, it's right here near
the stove, next to the teapot,

Which I moved from
that cupboard over here.

And I consolidated your
mugs into the same area.

It creates what I like
to call a tea triangle.

Barbra jean, it's
not that I don't

Appreciate what
you're doin', but I really...

Oh, my gosh. What's that?

Just a little ol'
chicken casserole.

You know, I know brock
likes a hot meal on the

Table when he comes
home from work, so sit.

Jake, dinner!

Well, I guess since it's already
cooked and everything...

You know what? Just let me get this
served, and I'll get out of your hair.

Thank you, barbra
jean. [Chuckles]

Did you see the tea triangle?

♪ I'm a survivor ♪
[vacuum whirring]

[Vacuum cuts out]
there's my workin' girl.

You know, that's
really growin' on me.

I gotta tell ya. The first time I heard
it, I wanted to stick my head in the oven.

There's no room, 'cause
I'm making pot roast.

Whoo! I thought I smelled
a reason to keep you.

- Kids okay?
- They're upstairs
doin' homework,

Happy as clams.

[Sighs] how can you tell
if a clam is happy, anyway?

I don't know, but clam chowder
tomorrow night might make me happy.

Hint taken. [Clicks tongue]

Here's your paper. Oh,
and mrs. Wolf called.

Oh, she's not doin'
better, is she?

No, no. She's gonna be
out for a while longer.

- Oh-h*.
- [Sighs]

So, how was work?

Eugene was in a mood. Oh.

This little girl he was
workin' on bit him. [Gasps]

But I took care of it. I
referred her over to brock.

Oh, well, brock has
enough problems with louise.

Oh, I shouldn't gossip.
[Singsong] erase, erase, erase!

No, no, no, no. If anyone deserves
a laugh at brock, it's me. Go on.

Well, word has it...

That louise is a little too
friendly with the laughing gas.

She put a huge scratch in
the door of brock's lexus.

[Gasps] I'll bet he cried. Oh.

Did he cry like a little
girl? Well, not tears, really.

More like whimpers.
[Whimpering like puppy]

Hey. [Both laughing]

Hey, what are you guys
laughin' about? Nothin'.

No. Just a little girl talk.

Hey, barbra jean, are
you ever comin' home?

Well, sure. Just as soon
as I get dinner on the table.

- Oh, perfect. I'm starvin'.
- Oh, there's not enough
for you.

[Whimpers]

You haven't made dinner for me all week.
You've been over here slavin' for her.

You can't expect her
to work all day for me

And then come home and
work for you, can you?

Come on! I'm sick of takeout.

The guy at the chinese place
thinks I'm gettin' divorced again.

All right. Relax. We'll grab some
chicken at wimpy's drive-through.

Now, reba, after the pot
roast, there's apple pie.

Apple pie!

And you just leave the
dishes. I'll get 'em tomorrow.

I'm startin' to see why
you left me for her.

Sure. You're happy. You're
the one with the new wife.

It's always great at
the beginning, reba.

I'll be out in the car,
thinkin' about apple pie.

I gotta tell you. This has
been great for me and the kids.

I can't believe how well it all turned
out. Say, would you top me off there?

I'm so relieved. I was worried I
might be steppin' on your toes.

Hey, you can step on
anything you want to,

As long as you're
steppin' towards the oven.

I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but
I'm glad you're here. Thanks, reba.

Well, I'd better get
goin'. Bye, kyra! Bye, jakey.

Bye, mommy!

He called me "mommy."

[Gasps] pinch me, reba.
I think I'm dreamin'.

Ow.

- What?
- What?

I thought I heard somebody say
"mommy," and that's why I answered.

'Cause that's who I am.
I'm the mommy. Right?

I'm done!

Mom, chill. So he called barbra jean
"mommy." What's the big deal? It's jake.

Nobody said anything when he
called me "caca" for two years.

Don't tell me to chill, caca.

Well, you're gonna have to deal
with this, because our other mommy,

The loud one, is gonna
be back later today.

[Chuckle] no, she's not. I called her and
told her I wouldn't need her anymore.

- So you lied.
- Don't worry about
what I did.

Just pretend she got
sucked into the tea triangle.

- So you got someone else
to watch us.
- Nope.

Cool. I'll be at the pool hall. No.
You'll be at your friend marla's.

What about jake? Don't
you worry about jake.

I have something very
special planned for him.

Okay, mr. Snyder. I'll
see you tomorrow at


Scrapin' those gums. Okay.

[Sighs] isn't this
fun? I'm bored.

Well, let's see if we have
something to play with.

Oh, here's some dental floss,
paper clips... And a pencil.

Wait a minute.

Is this a pencil, or
is it a rocket ship?

[Imitates rocket roaring]

- Hello, doctor.
- Who's this?

Oh, this is my son, jake. He's gonna
stay with me for a little while.

Jake, there might be some fun
stuff under the cushions. Okay!

Reba, did I show you where I keep
all the toys and crayons and paste?

Oh, I didn't know
we had any. We must!

If we're gonna run a day care
center, we have to have paste!

But if we're gonna run a dentist office,
we should have fewer of your kinfolk.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Wait. Why do women have to
choose between their work and their kids?

Why can't they work and be
with their kids at the same time?

And maybe we can
fight crime! Oh, w-wait.

Can't we just give it a
try? It'd really bug brock.

If your son is here
and you're dealing with

Him, that means you'll
be neglecting your work.

And that's bad. If your son is here
and you're not dealing with him,

That means you'll be neglecting
your son, and that is also bad.

This is what we refer
to as a bad situation.

hey, reba, dr. Fisher.

Barbra jean, what are you doing
here? To see the rocket take off?

I was just visitin'
brock. Why is jake here?

Look, if you need someone to watch
your kid, why don't you ask barbra jean?

Here. Take apollo 13.

I don't need anybody. He's
gonna stay here with me.

No, he's not. Yes, he is!

The only reason I'm
not going to fire you...

Is because that idiot across
the hall would say "I told you so."

Work something out!

Reba, I don't understand.

You would rather risk your
job than leave jake with me?

Is this about what he called me?

Barbra jean, I don't
know what to say.

No, it's okay. I think I get it.

Barbra jean, wait
just a second. Hang on.

Oh, brother.

[Chuckles] he is a cute kid.

Do I have to call the police?

What are you doing? If I don't
have dirt underneath my fingernails,

The guys at the party
would make fun of me.

Real sorry I'm
missin' that party.

[Both faking laughter]

- [Fake laughter intensifies]
- cut it out!

Hey, hey, kids. Hey.
What's the problem here?

I have an important corporate event
to go to tonight, and she won't go.

Yeah? Well, I have a concert
with people who don't smell.

Look, you guys aren't
in high school anymore.

You don't have to spend every
second together. Come on now.

You have your whole
marriage to fight.

He does have a point. Yeah.

I mean, why should
we be joined at the hip?

Absolutely.

Time apart is good
for a relationship.

You know, reba and I used to
do different things all the time.

I'd go play golf,
and she would...

Well, I don't know what
she'd do. I was playin' golf.

Um, so you guys...

Would spend a lot of time apart?

[Nervous laugh] you know, I really
don't wanna go to that party.

You know, I don't even like the
band that much. I am great at my job.

I don't need to
kiss gardener butt.

You know what, van? I think we should
go get elizabeth and go on a walk.

Yeah. We'll go get ice cream.

Together. Okay.

What the hell did reba do?

Brock, is it just me, or were you
here less when we were married?

We need to talk about
this barbra jean thing.

[Scoffs] why is it so
hard to understand I

Would be upset that jake
would call her "mommy"?

It's not. I totally get it.

- I mean,
I am his mommy, right?
- Absolutely.

I changed his diaper. I
nursed him when he was sick.

I was the one that taught him his alphabet,
and believe me, he's no quick study.

Hey, reba, I understand.

Would you quit agreein'
with me? I wanna argue.

Look, barbra jean didn't
wanna upset anyone.

I mean, she was just tryin' to
help out because she likes you.

Oh, I know. Man, for one
golden week, I had it all.

Clean house, happy kids,
great food I didn't have to cook...

On plates I didn't have to wash.

It is nice, isn't it? Yeah.

Say, did she ever make you those little
red potatoes with the butter and parsley?

Yeah. Oh, man. I love those.

What about the pork chops
with the pear glaze? No.

Oh. Oh, man! I bet that
was gonna be next week!

[Murmurs]

I didn't handle
this very well, did i?

I've learned not to answer
those type of questions.

You know, this is gonna sound
kind of stupid, but I do regret...

That I didn't talk honestly
with barbra jean about this.

Hold that thought.

[Phone beeps] red
fire has cooled.

Repeat: red fire has cooled.

What are you doin'? Nothin'.

- Hey, reba.
- Barbra jean has something she
really really wants to say.

About this thing that happened
with jake, I'm of two minds.

Where in the heck did you
borrow one and a half minds?

Reba. Just hear her out.

On the one hand, I feel awful,
because I know you're so upset.

But on the other hand,
I'm thrilled, because

I think you're such
a wonderful mother.

You see, when jake
called me "mommy,"

It meant for one brief moment he
put me in the same category as you.

- My turn?
- Use your words.

Oh, barbra jean, I'm
not mad at you. I guess...

I was just scared that I
could be so easily replaced.

Reba, I could never replace you.

I mean with the kids.

Thank you, barbra jean.

Ow.

Well, okay. It's all settled. Hey,
you know what would be great?

How 'bout if barbra jean
makes dinner for all of us?

Oh, I've got some pork
chops in the refrigerator.

And is there some kind of
glaze that we put on top of 'em?

Hint taken.

I'm just so glad this
whole crazy mess is over.

And I have a
wonderful suggestion:

How 'bout if jake just started
callin' me mommy jean? Uh, no.

Mommy barb? Mommy
heart? Mommy who can cook?

How 'bout mommy with
a pork chop... Whoa!

acme! [Coughing]