02x16 - Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

Come on, jake. No one's
gonna think you like a girl...

Just because you give her
a valentine card that says:

"I'm buggy for you."

Isn't that cute? No.

"I'm buggy for you"? Yeah.

Why don't you just go to school without
pants? That would be less humiliating.

- Can i, mom?
- No.

You have no idea what
it's like to be a man.

So, mom, tomorrow's your
first valentine's day with brian.

I don't see what the
big deal is. It's just a

Made-up holiday. I think
I'll make up a holiday.

Oh, yeah. National
I hate my life day.

I was thinking more like teenage mothers'
day. It comes nine months after prom.

I was already pregnant
at prom. [Mock laugh]

Well, I'm with kyra. I can't
stand valentine's day.

What? You've
gotta be kidding me.

Valentine's day
ruins relationships.

If you give yourself into it,
it's really a wonderful day.

It's a wicked day!

It puts relationships under a hot
light and smacks 'em around till they talk.

Yeah, you don't get that on
many valentine's day cards.

Look, it's fine for you and
van. You guys are married.

But brian and i, we're
at a different stage.

What stage is that? I like
him. We're deeply in like.

"In like"? Yep.

- So you haven't said
"I love you" to each other?
- No!

I don't say that
unless I mean it.

I could barely muster it
up for you the other day.

What if brian gets caught up in the romance
of valentine's day and says it to you?

Then I'll just say, "thank you."

If he says "I love you,"
you cannot say "thank you."

Well, I'm not gonna be rude. And,
anyway, we've already talked about it.

- We're gonna treat this day
just like any other date.
- Uh-oh.

- What?
- Well, he's planning on
surprising you...

With a romantic dinner and a
carriage ride through river oaks.

He told me so I'd make sure
that you dress properly.

Oh! Dinner and a carriage ride? Man, he
sure knows how to ruin a valentine's day.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Hey, jake. Carla called.

Or should I call
her "mrs. Jake hart"?

Shut up.

That valentine really did the trick.
You, my friend, are a love magnet.

And I can't turn it off.

Hey-hey there, little
stud. Carla called.

I know!

You remember that, van?

That time in your life
when you hated girls?

Uh, no.

Hey, mr. H, can I borrow
your car tonight?

Last valentine's day, we didn't
get to do anything special,

Since cheyenne was all
pregnant and, you know, mean.

So this year I wanna do something
special. What'd you have in mind?

I'm gonna drive down
to the football field,

And I got a buddy to
rig the scoreboard...

To flash "van loves cheyenne,"
and then, you know, my stats.

I love that you love
my daughter so much,

But can I give you a little
piece of marital advice?

Well, are you really
the best one for that?

The bigger a deal you make
out of this valentine's day,

The more you're gonna
have to do next year.

But isn't that
good? Well, is it?

Here's what happened the first
year reba and I were married.

I'd saved a piece of driftwood
from the first night...

We ever walked
together on the beach.

So I got a buddy of
mine with a pickup truck.

We filled it up with sand
and dumped it in the backyard.

Then I recreated
that night. Wow.

Exactly. And how do you
think I topped it the next year?

You brought water.

No. No, I never did top it. And even
though she never said anything,

I always felt like every valentine's
day after that was a big disappointment.

Well, is it even legal to
take sand from the beach?

Look, you have to manage
a woman's expectations.

Start small. Take her to a restaurant
with little puzzles on the place mat.

Oh, yeah. Those are fun.

Even better... They're cheap.

Look, I tell you what. Barbra
jean and I'll go with you.

That way, the girls can't compare
notes and hold it against us.

And we shouldn't get 'em any
gifts? No gifts. No flowers.

Well, how 'bout a card?
What? Make me look bad?

Take it easy, diamond jim.

Hey, kyra. Brian and
I aren't goin' out to

Dinner tonight, so you
don't have to babysit.

Great. That'll be $30.

I have a strict 24-hour
cancellation policy.

It always makes me laugh that
you think you're gonna get paid.

Is it too late for you to
make other plans for tonight?

I already made plans.
Cheyenne told me you were sick.

Can I get you anything?
Maybe some fake aspirin?

[Knocking]

- Hey, reba.
- Brian!

What are you doin' here? I
told you I was sick. [Coughing]

That's why I came over...
To nurse you back to health.

[Nasal] oh, um, can't you
do it over the phone?

Come on, reba. Let me
in. Okay. Just a minute.

[Coughing]

[Continues coughing]

[Sneezing]

Come on in.

I figured since we couldn't
go out for valentine's day,

The next best thing would
be for us to stay in together.

Isn't that nice? after all, we
cannot miss our first valentine's day.

Oh, can we not talk anymore?
My throat's startin' to close up.

Van, do you think I'm dressed
up enough for this restaurant?

Well, you're wearing
shoes and a shirt. You're fine.

Wait a minute. Is this
one of those things...

Where you tell me not to dress up because
we're just going to the spaghetti hut,

But then when I walk outside, there's
gonna be a limo waiting to take us dancing?

Well, if there's a limo outside,
it's that chick who likes jake.

So we're really spending valentine's
day with dad and barbra jean?

Come on, cheyenne.

Valentine's day is about family.

Who's ready for an
all-you-can-eat meatball bonanza?

Bring it on! I'm 25 meatballs away
from makin' their wall of fame.

And save room for a special
valentine's day dessert:

Oh! Assorted nougats.

- Brock got 'em for me.
- oh, that's so sweet. Van,
why didn't you get me candy?

Because you can get yourself
candy, because you're not five.

Did you wipe your feet off, because, you
know, reba really doesn't like it when...

I thought you said no
presents! I couldn't help it.

We were at the drugstore. The
candy was by the cash register,

And barbra jean had
already eaten one!

Well, you could've got a box for me,
so I don't look bad in front of cheyenne.

I got a box of cough
drops if you want 'em.

Great. Now cheyenne's
gonna be mad because

Barbra jean got something
nice and she didn't.

They're medicated.

That doesn't cut
it for my girl. Ye...

Uh, excuse me, ladies.
I just remembered.

I left something upstairs for
cheyenne that's very special.

You're bluffing.
If by "bluffing,"

You mean I didn't pull it out of my butt
at the drugstore, then, yeah, I'm bluffing.

So I brought you a little
somethin'. You didn't have to do that.

- I don't need anything, really.
- Hey. If she doesn't want it,
I'll buy it from ya.

This is something ya need. Something
special for somebody special.

Don't say that. Don't
sound like a greetin' card.

Chicken soup. This is the same soup
my mom gave me when I had a cold.

How old is that stuff?

You know what? Since
it's valentine's day,

I should serve this to
you by candlelight. No!

I mean, look, brian. Do we have to
be all "romantic-y" and everything?

Is that okay if we
don't? Can I be honest?

Sure.

[Sighs deeply] I
hate this holiday.

You what? I hate
valentine's day.

You do? I hate it too!

There's so much
pressure. Absolutely!

I mean, it's just hearts and
flowers and that cupid guy.

Stupid, fat baby goin' around
shootin' people with a bow and arrow.

[Blows raspberry] why do people make
such a big fuss about each other...

Simply because
it's valentine's day?

Amen! Who needs it? Yeah.

I mean, we decide which
nights are special nights.

Like when we go out
bowling. And eat hot dogs.

Man, I love them hot
dogs. I love hot dogs too!

And I love bowling.
I love bowling too!

And I love you,
reba. I love you too!

[Coughing]

Well, we finally said it.

We sure did.

Just popped it right out there.

It felt good. "I love you."

[Weak chuckle] excuse me.

Cheyenne, I need to talk to you.

- Oh, could you two please
excuse us just for a second?
- Why do we have to leave?

Because it's my house,
and you annoy me.

If you hadn't left
her, this would still be

Your house, and we
wouldn't have to leave.

Mom, what is it? Things went
horribly wrong, cheyenne. He said it.

Oh, my god. Did you
say "thank you"? No!

I said "I love you too," but I
didn't mean it. I don't understand.

Why would you say "I love you" if you
didn't mean it? It's not like you're a man.

I don't know. I panicked.

Look, it's been a long
time since I've dated,

So is it okay to say that
and then take it back?

It is if it's recess.

Look, mom, so you said it
once. Just don't say it again.

I don't think it's that simple.
He's already said it twice.

And he's gonna notice if every time
he says it, I get up and leave the room.

What are you gonna
do? I don't know.

I just wish I could get him out of
here so I could figure out a way...

To handle this without
ruining everything.

You know what? Maybe brian
didn't mean to say it either.

Maybe he just said it
because he thought he had to.

Yeah! Yeah. Maybe your boyfriend
lies to you. I mean, we can hope.

Well, I just think it's wonderful
that you and reba found each other.

Last year, it was just so
awkward: "reba hart, party of one."

You know. [Grunts]

Oh, there she is, and
she's got that love glow.

It's a fever sweat, barbra jean.

[Scoffs] oh, yeah.

A love fever.

I'll bite you. Okay.

Barbra jean, leave her alone.

Reba, I'm sorry. Maybe we
ought to wait out in the car.

No, no, no. It's okay. It's not like
we're on some sort of big date.

I'm just nursin' reba back to
health with some chicken soup.

[Chuckles] you brought her
soup the first time she got sick?

Good luck during
cold and flu season.

[Women gasping] oh, van,

You're wearing the sweater I
bought you for valentine's day!

You're wearin' the sweater
she got you? Are you even a man?

Oh, I'm a man, all right... A man
who wrote cheyenne a love poem.

What? In
lavender-scented marker.

Thank you very much, kyra. Oh.

You wrote me a poem? And I'd like to
share it with all the lovers in the world.

[Squealing]

You make my heart go pitter-pat.

In those jeans,
you don't look fat.

And the reason
for my love is that...

I can't imagine life
without you. [Sighs]

Wow.

Which jeans?

no, no, no, no, no. You can't throw in
lines that don't rhyme and call it a poem.

Eat my dust, old man.

Well, I think it's sweet.

I mean, there is nothin' more sacred
and profound than words from the heart.

Isn't that right, reba?

Uh, who knows where
words come from?

Sometimes they just spill out of the
mouth like drool from a hound dog.

Barbra jean, I may
not have a poem...

That somebody clearly
made up on the spot,

But I do have three little words
that say it all for me: I love you.

I love you too, brock.

I love you, cheyenne.
I love you too, van.

And brian loves hot dogs,
and I love bowlin'. Next topic.

You know, after that poem,
well, a buffet just seems wrong.

I'm takin' everyone
to gerard's. [Gasps]

Oh, that is the most
romantic restaurant in town!

Oh, and the food's
wonderful. I'm too sick to

Go, but, brian, you
shouldn't miss it. Go on.

Reba, of course I'm not goin'
anywhere. I'm stayin' right here.

It's valentine's day.
Besides, I love you.

[Nervous laugh] excuse me.

Very smooth with the restaurant.

But remember: I could crush
you with another poem like that.

Yeah, and on the way,
let's stop by the florist.

I wanna get my wife a
dozen... No... Two dozen roses.

[Barbra jean squeals]

Two dozen roses?

Someone's scared, I "supposes."

He did it again!
He's gifted. I know.

[door closes] [sighs] looks
like everybody left.

Assuming they were
here. Were they here?

Oh, my gosh. I must be delirious.
I really should go to bed.

Reba, what's goin' on? Nothin'.

You just tried to get me to go
out on a date with your ex-husband.

Okay, brian. Look.

I'm gonna be honest with ya.

I just didn't feel comfortable
about what we said earlier. Mm-hmm.

And I know it's
valentine's day, and we're

Under a lot of pressure
to say what we said...

And you probably didn't mean
it, 'cause I didn't mean it either.

Of course I meant it.

Well, I'm sorry,
because I didn't.

I mean, you said it first.
What was I supposed to say?

How 'bout "thank you"?

I had that.

Reba, you shouldn't have said
it unless you felt the same way.

I know, but in my own
defense, I only said it once.

After that, it was
"excuse me" and out.

Well, then, excuse me.

Oh, brian, I don't want
you to leave all upset.

Okay. I'll leave happy.

[Exhales strongly]

Well, that was the
worst dinner ever.

"Lobster for everyone."
"Thank you so much, dr. Big shot."

You didn't have to eat two of
'em. Who was he tryin' to impress?

- Maybe his wife.
- Oh, yeah. Right.

You know what? I'm not
gonna let him get off that easy.

I'm gonna write the most
romantic poem in the world,

And tomorrow, I'm gonna
find your dad and read it to him.

What about me? Don't get in
the middle of this, cheyenne.

Okay. What is going on
here? Because you seem

To be a lot more
focused on my dad than me.

He's tryin' to take
me down. What?

He wants to make me
look bad, 'cause he knows

I can't take you to
fancy restaurants...

Or buy you expensive
jewelry. [Sighs]

Honey, someday you will. Right?

You know, if I had the
money, I'd buy you a camaro.

Actually, I'd buy
us both camaros.

We'd have matching camaros.

Well, I had a wonderful valentine's
day because I was with you.

Really? Mm-hmm.

God, I am such an idiot.

You only care about being with me,
and all that fancy stuff doesn't matter.

Of course it doesn't.

You know, I'm gonna remember
this next valentine's day.

Well, you made this
one very special.

[Sighs] I just can't wait to see
what you do next year to top it.

- What's with you?
- I got girl trouble, bad.

- Do you really want carla
off your back?
- Yes, please.

- Then you gotta
kiss her best friend.
- Tiffany baxter?

Gross! She eats bugs!

What's worse? A few moments of
gross or a whole lifetime of carla?

Man, I hope this stuff gets
easier when you get older.

Hey, honey. Love stinks.

- What's goin' on?
- Nothing important.

But when tiffany baxter calls, it's
not my fault. Your son's just a player.

[Grunts] hey, mrs. H. How
was your valentine's day?

- Brian and I had a fight.
- Oh, man. I knew
that guy was trouble...

With his smooth talk and his
little glasses that say, "look at me.

I'm sensitive."

I told him I love him, and then I told
him I didn't. I think it might be over.

- Wow.
- Stupid valentine's day.

I told everybody this was
gonna happen, and it happened.

Well, if you didn't love the guy, it
was gonna happen eventually, right?

Wouldn't you rather have
it happen now than later?

No. Now I don't have
anybody to go bowlin' with.

There are leagues, you know.

I guess I was just
afraid of bein' lonely.

The year after the
divorce was hard.

It was just nice to have
somebody to hang out with.

How can you be lonely? You have a
house full of people who love you.

Yeah. That's another problem.

I know I do, van. Thank you.

And mrs. H? What?

I love you too. [Nervous
laugh] excuse me.

acme! [Coughing]