02x22 - The Will

[bunniefuu]

[Chewing noises] [laughs]

Hey, honey. How's your
art history paper goin'?

Great. I finally figured
out how to do it. How?

I'm dropping the
class. There you go.

Oh, gimme that baby. Come
here, sweetheart. Ooh.

Mom, are you okay? Oh, darlin'.

Whoops, bad time.

Oh, come here, you.

Mrs. H, what is goin' on?
You're freakin' us out.

Wait till she hugs you.

[Sighs] I'm okay.

What is going on?

You know, have
you ever heard that

Expression, when your
life flashes before ya?

- Of course.
- It happens to her every time
she takes a math test.

Come here, honey baby.

I was on the corner
of oak and huntington.

- and the light goes green.
- Yeah.

And I hit the gas to
go, and my car stalls.

Your car stalls and your
life flashes before your eyes?

When you get a flat do
angels come dance on the hood?

Will you listen?

So my car stalls. It just
conks out right there.

And two seconds later,
this huge truck runs the

Red light and rips
through the intersection!

Oh, my gosh. Whoa.

Yeah, "oh, my gosh" and "whoa."

If my car hadn't stalled,
I'd be dead right now.

- Oh, mom.
- [Sighs]

[van] oh, boy.

Sometimes you just gotta thank the
man upstairs that you have a crappy car.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

More soup, my little sweet
darlin' daughter? No, thanks.

Have I told you that I love ya?

[Exhales]

Yes. You have, mom. All day.

And last night, when you
were sitting next to my bed.

[Chuckles]

Well, it's just that if anything
did, god forbid, ever happen to me,

I just wanna make sure
that you know I love you.

I do. we all do.

But it's got to stop.

The love and the
soup has got to stop.

Don't go, kyra. I made muffins.

Honey.

Van, why are there
stickers all over everything?

Oh, no reason. You know, just,
uh, committing a little van-dalism.

[Laughs]

Oh, come on, mrs. H.
Throw me a little love.

- What's with the stickers?
- I'm claiming stuff,
you know, in case you die.

Mom, you're not dying, are you?

Of course not, honey.

Good, 'cause when you die, I
won't have a place to sleep.

Van put a sticker on my bed.

What?

Technically, it's not your bed,
jake. It belongs to the estate.

Van, go take the
sticker off his bed.

Well, great.

Now I'm gonna have to get a job,
get rich and get my own race car bed!

[Gasps] oh, reba!

You're alive! Ooh!

Oh, you're making
me wish I wasn't. Oh.

Hey, reba. We heard
about what happened. Wow.

Why are there stickers
all over everything?

That's the kids' way of
claiming all my stuff.

Man, I should have thought
of that during our divorce.

Um, excuse me, are... Are we talkin'
about death? 'Cause I don't want to.

If you talk about
it, you're callin' it.

You know, "say his
name and he will come."

- Who are we callin'?
- Death.

- Who?
- Death.

- Say it again?
- Dea... Oh!

Very funny, reba. Very funny.

Hey, did I ever tell you when I
was a kid, we had a dog named death?

- Oh, my...
- Yeah, he got lost all the time.

We was always outside going, "here,
death. Here, death." Stop it. Stop it.

"Hey, death. Here, death!"
[Whistles] "come and get it, death!"

Ha-ha.

You just keep laughin', reba.

But you're creatin'
some real bad mojo here.

[Sputters]

She's afraid of death, yet she
walks right in here to my house?

I'm making up a will. You
should too. Oh, I already did.

What? You're actually doin'
somethin' adult and responsible?

It really wasn't that hard. I just put
barbra jean in charge of everything.

Oh, you... You mean her half.

No. No, everything. I
mean, it just made sense.

The way I eat, she's
bound to outlive me.

I mean, I've already had three
hot dogs today. It's not even noon.

But I don't trust her. I
mean, your-your practice?

Your retirement fund?
Your life insurance policy?

All that goes to barbra jean and
my kids just get a big ol' pile of squat?

[Chuckles] reba, barbra
jean will be very fair.

Have you ever seen her cut a
cake? Every slice, exactly the same.

Brock... No, reba.

It's already been decided. Hey,
it's my stuff. It's my decision.

and there really is
nothin' you can do about it.

[Sputters]

Oh, yes, there is
something I can do about it.

Death spared me for a reason.

The family meeting
is called to order.

We're here to discuss what to do with
the house in the event of mrs. H's passing.

I say we keep the house,
live in it, maybe put a pool in.

Count me out. You two
can buy me out of my third.

Hang on a sec. Van? Huddle.

Careful. With all this brain power comin'
together we don't want to start a fire.

Can we afford to buy
her out of her third?

Yeah, but we're gonna
have to sell ours first.

We're gonna have to trick her.

Kyra, we're gonna
put it to a vote.

All in favor of keeping the
house, raise your hand. [Laughs]

[Grunts]

Sorry, kyra. We win. [Sighs]

Van isn't mom's child.
He doesn't get a vote.

The vote is tied one to one.

[Exhales] that's how
you try to trick her?

And here comes
the swing vote now.

Aw. Oh, jake? Yes, kyra?

Jake, if mom perishes
unexpectedly,

Should we sell the
house and split the money,

Or should we
keep it and live in it?

Sell. Good boy.

- What'd she offer you?
- A dirt bike. I mean...

Jake, if you vote with us, we'll
give you a dirt bike and a new xbox.

Mm-hmm.

Dirt bike, xbox, and that baseball
glove you thought you lost.

Whatever kyra says
plus a monkey. A monkey!

Ahh.

Jake, they might be able to give
you more, but I can protect you.

Who does he need
protection from, kyra?

Me.

Jake, don't worry about it.
I'll protect you from kyra. Yeah.

[knocking] okay.

I'm comin'. Yeah.

Oh, hey, reba!

Ooh, no hug. Wet nails. [Laughs]

Don't worry.

How did you open the door?

Oh, with my foot.

I also taught myself to pick
up a pencil and sign my name.

You know, in case I
lose my arms. Just, ooh.

You wanna see? Might smudge.

[Chuckles] ah, see? That's why
you got the high school diploma.

Yeah. [Chuckles] so, what's up?

Well, brock told me he was
leaving everything to you in his will.

Ooh. Ugh, no death talk. I can't
ward off evil till my topcoat dries.

[Laughs]

Well, you know, barbra jean,
it's not that I distrust you.

It's just that I don't trust you.
You do see the difference, don't you?

So, I wanted to get everything
in writing before brock...

Takes a little
journey. [Laughs] fine.

Ah, when he goes on
his journey, I want to

Make sure that my kids
are provided for fairly.

Oh, reba. That's not gonna be a
problem. Have I never served you cake?

[Laughs] well, that's, uh,
really not good enough for me.

Well, brock doesn't seem to have a
problem with me taking care of his family.

Neither do the kids. I mean,
kyra and I are very close.

[Laughs] only because
she knows it bugs me.

And jakey trusts me.

He's eight. He
understands you. [Laughs]

Oh, it's so true. Yeah.

Uh, but seriously, barbra jean.

It's van and cheyenne who
have the most at stake here.

I mean, they've
got a family now.

And I'm pretty
sure they don't feel

Comfortable leavin'
their future in your hands.

Well, I happen to
know that's not true.

Well, they have a baby
to think about now.

And i-i know that they want to make
sure that elizabeth will be taken care of.

And obviously they
trust me to do that.

Otherwise they wouldn't have
left elizabeth to brock and i.

What?

You know, in the event
of their little journey?

What-what did you say? Journey.

- No, before that.
- Little.

Barbra jean!

Okay. Van and cheyenne made
brock and I elizabeth's guardians.

[Laughs] yeah.

They left elizabeth to you and
brock instead of me? I don't think so.

It's true.

Oh, hey, reba.

Gee, maybe I should have played nine more
holes, let you hens finish your cluckin'.

[laughs]

Maybe not. So, uh,
what's going on?

Oh, I'm just listenin'
to a few fairy tales.

Barbra jean claims that van and cheyenne
are gonna leave elizabeth to you guys...

In case somethin'
happens to 'em.

[Laughs] she did?

Yeah. [All laugh]

Barbra jean, honey,

You weren't supposed to do that.

Not while she's in our house
where she can break things.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I'm glad it's out. I don't
like keepin' secrets from reba.

Oh, by the way, I'm the
one that broke your lamp.

- I was trying to work a yo-yo.
- Wait a minute! Is this true?

Yeah, it's true. I'm not
very good with a yo-yo.

I can always get it to go down, but
I can never seem to bring it back up.

Not about the lamp you're
gonna replace, you dingbat.

They're leaving my
granddaughter to you?

Look... Look, reba.
Don't get all upset.

Oh! Why should I get upset?

Just because the
children that I raised don't

Think I'm good enough
to raise their child?

Well, reba of course you are.

You know what? I got a fix.

if anything were to happen to van
and cheyenne, god forbid... [Sputters]

And if brock and I were
to... [Hums, chokes, sputters]

And, honey, I do
hope we go together.

Me too.

Then you would get elizabeth.

All right. Let's all calm
down. And by all, I mean reba.

I am not about to calm down!

My kids have made
a huge mistake!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on here a second.

Now, she's my granddaughter too.

And there are two of
us to take care of her.

Oh, yeah. Right. But one of you is
off her rocker! I won't say which one!

Oh, I know she thinks it's me.

Of course it's
you! It's always you.

No sane person
has 400 beanie babies!

Excuse me, 412!

And that doesn't make me crazy.

That makes me the secretary of
the whole bunch of beanie babies club.

Well, is this your
password? [Lips vibrate]

Reba, I am well aware of all the
silly little things I do. [Chuckles]

If I wasn't, I'd be insane.

That's your argument? "I know
I'm insane, so I'm not insane"?

At least I don't go around expectin'
to get my children's children...

In the event that
they... [Hums, sputters]

And if you want to see insane, why
don't you run on down to the state fair...

And get your portrait drawn
and take a gander, peaches?

Whoa. Hey, hey,
barbra jean. [Laughs]

Well, if you want another
baby so bad, just wait.

I'm sure brock will let you spend time
with the one he has with his next wife!

[Gasps] oh. Hurtful!

All right, reba. I
think that's enough.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave...

Without breaking anything.

Fine. But this is not over.

[Gasps]

Fix that with your toes.

Hello, kyra. Oh, kyra.

Why the happy faces? Finally
figure out where babies come from?

No. We talked to a law
professor at the university.

And unless we all agree,
you can't sell the house.

The law, kyra. As in jail?

We could have you arrested.
So we're not sellin' the house.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, okay.

'Cause I was thinking about it
anyway, and I decided I was being selfish.

you guys deserve the house. In
fact, I want to give my share to you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You guys have elizabeth and you need
a place to live. So the house is yours.

Wow, kyra. That is so cool.

You know, you can come
over anytime you want.

Not so fast. Van, huddle.

Do you notice anything
weird about her?

Like, she's being nice?
This is a trap. Hmm.

[Laughs]

She is being nice,
isn't she? Yes.

Man, she's good.

She's trying to stick us
with this house. But why?

Well, maybe something's
wrong with it. Like toxic mold.

Or there's a portal
to hell in the basement.

We don't have a basement,
van. Then it's gotta be the mold.

I'm gonna handle this.

- We pass.
- What?

Tryin' to give us part of
the house. Nice try, kyra.

Okay, but I don't feel right
profiting from mom's untimely death.

So, if you won't take it,
I'm giving my share to jake.

Two can play at that game. Jake,
you get our share of the house too.

I own the whole house?

Congratulations!

Sucker. [Scoffs]

Enjoy your mansion. [Laughs]

You know, jake, you don't get
the house until mom's gone, right?

Well, like she told you before, that
won't be for a very long, long, long time.

So?

So, wouldn't you rather
have this dollar today?

Okay. Can I keep my bed?

Sure, but it'll
cost you a dollar.

Thanks, kyra.

I almost felt bad that time.

Van, do you ever think
about dying? Sure.

Well, how do you
wanna go? Naked.

Why?

It's how I came in.

- [Sighs]
- hey, mom.

"Mom." Interesting term.

Sounds like someone
you can trust.

So, are you guys goin' out saturday
night? If you can still babysit.

Well, I'd love to. But are
you sure I'm good enough?

Wouldn't you be more comfortable
with brock and barbra jean?

We asked them
already. They're busy.

[Chuckles]

Let's cut the
playin' around, okay?

I know I'm not
elizabeth's guardian.

Oh. Whoops.

Yeah, "oh" and "whoops."
Why didn't you tell me?

Well, we figured if we
didn't die it wouldn't matter,

And if we did die, you
know, we wouldn't care

If you were mad at
us, 'cause we'd be dead.

Did I do somethin' wrong?

Was it the constant babysittin'
or lettin' you live here rent free?

Oh, I know what it was.

It has to be the unconditional love. I
knew that was a mistake! Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Oh, no, no. Mrs. H. Don't beat
yourself up. Those are good things.

Oh. Well, then
please explain it to me.

Because as far as I'm
concerned, this is the

Seventh game of the
world series of stupid.

And you guys have
just hit a home run!

World series of stupid?

First you yank us around
about this babysitting

Thing, and then
you rip on baseball.

Okay. Well, maybe I
shouldn't have said that.

Oh, I can't hear her, van.

Because it is game seven, and
the fans are screamin'. Mm-hmm.

And I'm havin' a hot dog, only I forgot
to put onions on it, so it's not so great!

Okay, guys. Come on.
Sit down here. Come on.

Look. When I first found out about it, it
felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

I guess I just assumed that you guys
would want elizabeth to be with me.

Please tell me you
thought this through.

We did. You couldn't have!

I swear we thought it through.

That may have been the problem.

Van and I talked about it, and you were
the logical first choice to take elizabeth.

So far we agree.

But the more we got into it, all we could
talk about is how great you are with her,

And what a wonderful
influence you are.

I can change! I'll
teach her to smoke!

No, no, no. See, you've
given up a big chunk

Of your own life to
help raise our daughter.

Yes, and because
you've done so much, the

Thought of you being
stuck raising a baby...

- It was too much.
- Yeah. I don't know if you
think about this much, mrs. H,

But raising a baby is
a huge responsibility.

We just thought that you deserved
a chance to be a real grandma...

And not a full-time mother.

We did it as a gift for you.

[Exhales] oh. You two kids.

That's the stupidest
thing I ever heard in my life!

What?

There is nothing that that baby
could take away from my life.

She only adds to it.

I mean, it's not like she's
gonna be a baby forever.

I knew we should have talked
about this with your mom.

- We messed up, huh?
- I guess you did.

Mom, I don't know what to say.

I mean, we can't tell dad and barbra
jean that we changed our minds.

I agree. Just put it in
the will that I get her,

And I'll deal with it after
you take your little journey.

Thanks, mom. You're welcome.

Mmm. I'm okay.

acme! [Coughing]