01x10 - Identity Crisis

[bunniefuu]

thanks God the semesters over I'm spent

yeah I've got four more finals between

now and tomorrow night thank God I'm

wasted

finals yeah guys I need a break from all

my knees I was with one last night and

air came out of me

you guys are wusses college is a breeze

this from the man who spent the last

three months bitching and complaining

okay granted but now I think I got this

whole College thing under control this

semester a man minutes was all about

figuring out my place what's up G what's

up Nitz here at college and I've done

that party in your room next semester

buddy

sure thing knit knits you're the freakin

mayor yeah the Harvey Milk guys I did

the impossible I met people I made

friends and next semester is gonna be a

blast

hey everyone to next semester

air came out of here what does that even

mean

on my computer screen the best years of

our lives are there Gigi I think

but anyway

then that was one great freaking winter

break

remember all those fun things we did guy

how could I forget my trick sending them

home for Christmas in my stead give me

my presents I'm out of the will but it's

worth it so who's up for getting a

lounge party together why you get that

going I'm gonna go have sex do you think

I should wear my tight t-shirt on my

tight tight t-shirt guy mmm whatever is

most comfortable kal

Thanks roomie guy you have the best

advice tight tight t-shirt it is I can't

see so that's why I think I'm gonna have

to be drunk for a year straight that's a

terrible idea Rocco then you'd be dead

and then you'll never be able to drink

again you have a point but you're still

a wet freakin blanket

Rocco my friend I'm about to prove you

wrong with that Shh no problem we'll

round up some people do I know you

oh hey Rocco

are you here to fix my radiator hey

Rocco security we have a dr*fter and

he's with Rocco why did everyone forget

who I am

why does everyone know you you don't

even go to school here mom beats me

hey Rocco

hey Rocco's friend Jessie you remember

who I am right you're the guy in the Hat

right ah just kidding knits how was the

break it was okay

but I got back here and nobody knows who

I am what the hell is going on amongst a

long time it's you just can't expect

people to remember some guy they talked

to you at a party I'm not just some guy

I have many well for one there's shut up

I hope you guys don't mind a smell a

vapor rub it helps me breathe easier

after I wear the tight tight t-shirt huh

I'm out of here

no wait gimpy I have a question for all

of you could you describe me well you're

a guy guy you have here you're not Dutch

I think anything else whatever it's a

woman's name Hebrew an origin and it

means flower

Mazel Tov our lady guy fine I get the

idea you guys think there's nothing

interesting about me well you're wrong

your friend is really touchy this

Internet is wild pop man even guy happy

to oblige out out here you sure you want

to see this cow sure guy the I hate cow

Moos growth what's that it's the s to be

story Center my people have come into

contact with you and hated it

what's that address Wow I have touched

the lives of so many people died

I like Roma Downey

cow this website is not a good thing

people hate you a lot of them but why

guy cuz you're a WOD well there's that

but more specifically after a quick

search on this site the word annoy came

up twelve thousand times uh-huh

the phrase stole my girlfriend came up

was stunning forty five thousand times

okay

and the phrase drooling [ __ ] k mother

hello my computer just crashed

aren't you gonna ask me what's wrong

dude

I'm fixing my hair I'm a complete nobody

Jessie

well change I can't change I've been me

for 18 years yeah but we're in college

this is the perfect place to change

yourself cuz nobody here knew you in the

past what about my three best friends

who I hang out with all the time you

don't count look I was me for 18 years

before I got here and now I'm a

different version of me look I can go

from that to this you can go from you to

whoever you want to be you don't like

who you are change it I'll get a new

identity hooray

ciao nobody's gonna forget me now people

are gonna flip when they see my new and

improved burnt sienna Vernon and Minh do

time to rinse if I were Cal I cover

myself with honey and feed myself to

those angry red ants they got in Bolivia

Wow me could it really be true could

people hate us this much

hate that guy oh that's the guy oh hey

numbnuts

you blew it on me geez me guy I need to

find somebody who can tell me all the

things that are wrong with me

do you know anybody who can tell me

other things out wrong with me

ciao I've been waiting for this day for

a long long time I hate you Cal I hate

you so much so very very much

guy so you know anybody here nah so

what's this big surprise that we can

only accomplish in public the unveiling

of the new meets huh huh this is the new

you a guy without a hat

no I dyed my hair with what water hey

you actually nits is the name real happy

for units you're sitting on my tuna fish

sandwich sorry

check out that guy's tattoo pretty

bitchin yes yes it is I got your message

let's see did it hurt yeah well let's

unveil that bad boy look nuts you're not

getting it changing your exterior is a

tiny tiny part of standing out as tiny

as my tattoo just about dude it's not

about tattoos or dyed hair it's

personality like me I'm a sarcastic cool

girl who hangs around with dorks that's

how people know me that's not how I know

you

well you don't count dork all right oh

here we go

this could take a while but we're gonna

go into this whole book and every time

you do something that makes me hate you

I'm gonna use this book to help you Oh

negative reinforcements this sounds like

fun

what does that mean best buddy Rocco guy

guys oh this is buddy guy I see guys so

third day oh I see slurpy

look Krueger alls I'm saying is that the

public is dying for a movie that's a

combination of gladiator and Maximum

Overdrive

in my screenplay Rob Brody's Maximus

overdrive is all that and more

grody Hollywood guy looky Laurent you

couldn't sell your to a paraplegic

sightless monkey Kruger swearing guy Dan

is laughing guy yo talking to self guy

can you shut the hell up

sorry angry fat guy hey Rocco what do

you like to do more than anything else

well I'm really enjoying punching cow

sure but normally I'd say porn or beer

or punching cow okay

violent drunken porn loving guy Celso

hug

now we're gonna punch him go and Cal is

slurping this aren't you to tell me not

to punch cow oh I can't right now

I'm busy have fun boys sake hippie I've

got a question

Star Wars what question no that's not

the question well actually yeah thanks

Star Wars Star Wars guy there

hey dudes

I want you to read my new screenplay

about Star Wars and ports hahahaha

then we can kick back study hang out and

do some other fun I'm knits who's that

guy I didn't know they accepted drifters

at college yeah

damn quotas dammit dammit dammit I have

had it I give up there's nothing I can

do to get noticed by you people

fine all of you could go to hell how

many times do I have to ask you kids to

stop telling me to go to hell

Annette's want to go grab some grub it's

like I don't exist on this campus so I'm

not gonna bother I'm just gonna stay in

my room and everyone else can go to hell

you hear me Oh fine

stay in your damn room what's his deal

no clue he's not coming out not leaving

his room woman hey

you gotta check out this guy in 543 he's

never coming out of his room again

because he burned off his face in bio

class and you know that guy from that

movie mask and his parents are with the

CIA and he's the only person who knows

all 11 secret herbs and spices and

Kentucky Fried Chicken I'm they're gonna

see this Oh Sharon mask yo let's go Cal

thanks will you freakin help Rocco I

feel freaking great let's go get a bite

to eat go could Rocco my work is done

you'll rock oh let me crash here tonight

I'm freakin tired and your punch it made

me woozy we could knock back some rules

together sure thing buddy

I hear they call a broom guy cuz he

never leaves his room that's me

room guy I have a thing I have to go

tell Jessie and the guys I finally have

a personality thing do you think room

guys never gonna come out of his room

well if he did that he wouldn't be room

guys no freaking great night man [ __ ]

out you cow put her there buddy

that tells a freaking great guy oh my

god what am I saying what have I become

Cal hey you want to come to my room and

play a game of Catherine the Great and

Flicka well that ain't no fun that's my

homies get some Cal are you okay don't

you want to call me a nice lady and and

tell me you love playing horsey cuz

horsies are nice oh no Cal I wanted your

opinion on some new outfits I just

bought I've got a better idea how about

we throw that crap away you show me your

Jumblies and I'll take pictures okay

jerk hmm cow take your top off go to

hell man why did everything Rocco told

me how did I go wrong real guy should I

switch manager this is my girlfriend why

just gonna date me one at a time folks

room guy can only answer your questions

one at a time a room guy I'm Rob Brody

hoping to get the movie rights to your

life story I've already got Tobey

Maguire on board to play him a room guy

just wanted to know if you were rubbing

your bra in there well look room guy I

just wanted to let you know that it's

okay to come out

my girlfriend this is amazing nobody's

ever wanted to talk to me before I've

been reading reports online about this

room guy persona you've created for

yourself yeah isn't it great no it's not

great I don't leave my room and I've

never been the head of my entire campus

oh sure I have my ragtag band of minions

but they mean nothing to me

really please dude I have to ask him

something I'm his roommate he's a

journeyman traveling the world of inner

space on a solo voyage kind of like Dark

Star what the hell is going on here

well I gotta talk to this hey room guy

ever heard of someone named Nitz

uh no he's probably just some guy that

doesn't exist now where's my pizza

I'm starving in here yo Rocco why do you

need to talk to knit so freakin bad well

now that you're not an idiot I don't

hate you so nothing makes sense anymore

like for example I was thinking about

eating this sock puppet because that

makes as much sense as me liking you

know whatever it's your frickin hole

it's real frequent call what say we grab

some brews and talk about it well Cal

thanks for the sound advice you know

buddy sometimes I just don't know what

I'd do without ya the world is gone we

need help

and if Nitz can't do it then there's

only one man who can so now the I hate

calendar his group is filled with

insults from all the chicks that like

the old me better I haven't gotten laid

in hours man hours and I'm degenerating

further and further into insanity don't

you see gentlemen this is the result of

knits not leaving his room if you were

here it would tell you Rocco not to act

like an idiot hmm and he tell you cow

that if you're not happy being new cow

then you should go back to being old cow

so should we listen to you and take the

advice you think Nets would give us well

no I can't give you any advice cuz I'm

too busy plotting a stupid plan to get

in it's out of his realm

because I'm jealous of his popularity

and if he were here you taught me not to

make a stupid plan to get him out of his

room what we need is a stupid plan of

getting us out of his room any ideas

sorry [ __ ] it's become obvious that I

gotta convince girls to pour mustard on

me yeah man I'm feeling pretty low right

now I got a call and it's all up to me

no thanks it's me Kenny Burton the love

of your life please come out of your

room and make sweet love to me no mum

stop trying to get me to leave my room

I'm not gonna let you take my identity

away from me it's please the click is

falling apart Rocco's spiraling into

jackassery and cows well we don't even

know where he is to be loved by all the

knees or not to be capped gonna have

everybody else like me

that's it it's been in front of me all

along

the answer to all my problems

nerds I just did something really stupid

because you weren't there to stop me how

did you get in here the door was

unlocked

look nits you have to stop being room

guy he's right this is the stupidest

thing you've ever done you're skipping

all your classes you look and smell like

sheer hell your hostel leave your room

you can't make me leave my room

I'm room guy I have fans a public to

please even now they're outside my door

cheering my name waiting to hear what I

have to say see for yourself

hmm they used to be there hey hey come

check it out there's a new guy to gawk

at on campus tree guy Cal what the hell

are you doing up there people don't like

me if I'm me and people don't like me if

I'm not me so I'm just gonna live here

I'm gonna squirt Cal it doesn't matter

what people think I like you your

friends like you that's all that really

matters and why are you room guy guy

because I was confused about who I was

and I handled it badly but now I'm knits

again

and I'm coming down there to get you out

of that tree the Hat is back but is the

man Raoh you're being a dumbass

stop that welcome back dork gimpy Rocco

Jessie I've seen the error of my ways

and I promise to spend the rest of my

college career concentrating on the

friends that I have as they seem to like

me just fine the way I am from now on

I'll just be friend guy can we also call

you walk i sounds good Jim people

well looks like everything's back to

normal friend guy yep every loose end

has been tied up nicely hello

you