03x10 - Regarding Henry

[bunniefuu]

Hey, mom. Hey.

You look great. Can't
talk. You haven't seen me.

Hey there, kyra.

Oh. You forgot
your lunch... Again.

Oh, look. All pink and
sparkly, just like kyra.

- Mom?
- Kyra, now
you take that lunch box.

and whatever you
do, don't you lose it.

And if you do, pick you up
another one on the way home.

Oh. Okeydokey, smoky.

[gasps] oh, my gosh!

You just said, "okeydokey, smoky."
That's my favorite catchphrase!

Oh, that is "neato-riffic!"

Yes, I did. I spoke like you.

Remember me?

- Hey.
- Hey, you guys
want some waffles?

Waffles? Never had waffles...

Three days before a big game,
and I'm not about to start now.

You can't mess with the mojo.

How about you, cheyenne?

Once again, see, no.

Neither one of us can have waffles
until saturday. This can never change.

- You can't be serious.
- Oh, he is. Let me tell you something.

Nothing makes you wanna have a waffle
more than someone telling you you can't.

It's, like, the
forbidden waffle.

Hey, I know it sounds silly,
but as far as I'm concerned,

My superstitions are a
big part of my success.

Like it has nothing to do with
your ability? Surprisingly little.

Here we go.

He is so nervous about
the football game.

It's his first college start.

I know how he feels. It's like me
on the high school debate team.

A kid told me to
shut up, and I froze.

Well, not a kid. A judge.

A kid and a judge.
And some parents.

Well, I'm nervous too. I mean, there's
three huge outlet malls in dallas,

And it looks like I'm only
gonna have time to hit two of 'em.

- Good luck to you
in this very trying time.
- Thank you.

Well, don't worry about
anything on this end.

Elizabeth is gonna
be very happy...

At camp "sleep over at barbra
jean's house of... Somethin' snappy."

I'm still workin' on the title.
Wait a minute. Camp what?

Camp "sleep over at
step-grandma barbra"... Darn!

I'll tell you what. You keep workin'
on the name, and I'll keep elizabeth here.

Mom, before you freak
out, we thought it'd be fun...

For elizabeth to spend the
weekend with henry. You're right.

She should spend time
with henry. Mm-hmm.

Have barbra jean drop him off.

But, mom, we already told barbra
jean that she could take care of her.

Well, then tell her you didn't tell
her. How hard is it to confuse her?

Look at how small my head is.

Kids love that stuff, okay?

Well, reba, looks like you
got all these extra waffles...

And just me to eat 'em.

Perfect. You know what?

I love to have my
breakfast out on the patio.

Ooh! Eatin' outside!

Here you go. It'll
be just like a picnic.

You know, brock and I used
to go on those all the time.

Of course, that was when we
were keepin' our love secret.

If squirrels could
talk, you know?

Apparently, nuts can.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Here you go, van.
No, no, no, mrs. H!

You rolled my socks
into a ball. Fold and tuck.

Fold and tuck, bring you luck.

Van. Go long.

Honey, why did you
unpack the umbrella?

What if it rains? Don't talk
about the rain, cheyenne!

I fumbled the last time
it rained. Think! Think!

Now I have to go have a
grape soda so it doesn't rain.

Cheyenne! You have to
put the ice in the glass.

Hey, make sure it's
not crushed ice.

That might make it snow.

What do you think?
It's my picture.

Gee, I was hopin' you'd
swallowed your head.

Oh. And I made a little one
for my camper. [Talking baby talk]

- Did you make one for brock?
- I'm wearin' mine
under my shirt.

Someone might wanna steal it.

Yeah.

They're not only cute and a hundred-percent
cotton. They're also practical.

This way, if elizabeth
and I get separated at

The mall, security will
know who she belongs to.

Why would you get separated?

Oh, I know it's unlikely it will ever
happen, but once bitten, twice shy.

Okay, barbra jean. Why
don't you go grab elizabeth?

Okay. Wait, wait,
wait. Wait a minute.

You lost elizabeth
at the mall? No!

Oh, good. I lost henry.

It was about a month ago. I just
turned around, and he was gone. Poof!

I'll tell you what, that was the
longest seven minutes of my life.

Anyway, camp time!

[Forced chuckle] does van and
cheyenne know about this?

Okay, look. Before you overreact,
it's not as bad as it sounds.

He wasn't really lost. He was in the
pants rack two feet away hiding from her.

I've hidden from her once.

I climbed a tree.
Ran into the mailman.

So you can see the humor in the
situation. It's kind of funny, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You're gonna make a big
deal out of this, aren't you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, great.

Here we go again.

I don't know why I
keep comin' over here.

"Hey, brock, how's the wife?" "Great. We
moved three doors down from my ex-wife."

"That was a good idea." Maybe next time,
we can all just move in together! Yeah!

Too much foam! Too much foam!

I need to talk to you two about
barbra jean watchin' elizabeth.

- Mom, we're not gonna
change our minds.
- Oh, I think you might...

When you hear a
little story I call...

"Barbra jean lost
henry at the mall."

What? Henry's gone?

No. She found him.

Oh!

Well, that's a short story,
but very exciting. Cheers.

Mom, we already knew about
that. And she was so great.

She found him in, like, seven
minutes. No, she was not great!

She lost him for seven minutes.
See? The glass is half empty.

Well, as long as there's not a
bunch of foam, I'm cool with it.

Mom, nobody is
perfect, even you.

I never said I was perfect.

It's just that certain people make
me look that way by comparison.

I think you're perfect
when you're awake.

What the heck does that mean? It means


Okay, van. Come on. Let's go pack
the car. Your mother asked a question.

The other day when we
got home when you were

Watching her, you were
asleep on the couch.

Elizabeth was napping. I'd
had a big old turkey sandwich.

I was watching golf. sh**t,
I'm surprised I'm awake now.

Mom, we totally trust you,
and we trust barbra jean.

All things being equal, we
trust her for this weekend.

Ah! Okay, it's not gonna
rain. Let's hit the road.

Okay, fine. You
leave me no choice.

Call your coach.
You're grounded.

What? Oh, man...

You see what happens when
you pour too much foam?

Van, she cannot
ground us. We're adults.

That's right. And, mom, we have
to go. Please don't be mad at us.

Oh, I am too mad... Until you get into
that car, 'cause I want you to be safe.

So call me when you get there
so I'll know to be mad again, okay?

So be safe, call me. Godspeed.

- Are you mad right now?
- Godspeed!

Okay, barbra jean. Take
good care of our little girl.

Bye, munchkin!

Hey, cheyenne. Here's
that cd for the ride.

Thanks. And, van, I don't know
why you think what you think,

But the spell is hereby lifted.

Um, thanks. Yeah.

Okay, I can't afford any long
good-byes, so let's get goin'.

Bad luck? No, but
crying before the game is.

I'm gonna miss my baby!

All right. Bye, you guys.
We love you. Bye! Bye!

There we go.

Call me!

Okay, elizabeth and I are
gonna go pick up henry,

And then we're
gonna go to the zoo.

Won't that be fun? Hmm?

W-w-wait a minute. You're gonna
take the two kids to the zoo?

Well, that's like a mall
with dangerous animals.

Ooh, it sounds excitin'.

I don't think you should go.

The zoo is full of, um, drunks.

No, you're thinkin'
of the p.t.a.

Bye, reba. Wait. Wait.

- I'm goin' with you.
- You wanna go with me?

I didn't say that. I
said I'm going with ya.

Oh, my gosh! A good
day just got great!

[Goofy voice] I'm gonna go
grab you a t-shirt, reba.

[door closes]

[Imitating barbra
jean] don't hurry.

You're going to
the zoo with her?

Oh, I get it. You two stroll
by the alligator pond,

And then bump, splash...
Good-bye, barbra jean.

I'm goin' to keep
an eye on elizabeth.

And afterwards, barbra
jean will be exhausted,

And I'll volunteer to
take over the babysittin'.

Oh. Well, that's a pretty
elaborate plan. Yeah.

And if that doesn't work, maybe the baboons
will kidnap her and make her their queen.

My feet are killin' me.

Oh, why'd they have
to make the zoo so big?

Why don't they just put
all the animals in one cage...

So you don't have
to walk 10 miles?

You know, I always
feel sorry for them.

Stuck in cages like that.

There ya go.

So, jakey, what was
your favorite part?

- The pigeons.
- Well, those weren't really
part of the zoo.

Yeah, but one pooped on a guy.

Reba, I had a great time. We should
do somethin' without the kids.

You know, just you and me.
Maybe we could go huntin'.

Ooh, not today.

I got a millions errands to
run before brock gets home.

Oh, well, why don't I watch the
kids and put 'em down for a nap?

No, that's okay.
Oh, but I want to.

No, I don't think so.
You just get your sleep.

No, the kids are gonna
sleep. I'm not goin' to.

What's that supposed to mean?

Reba, I can't risk it. You will
fall asleep. You have a reputation.

I have a... I have a... i
have a reputation?

A bit of a temper too.
That has been mentioned.

I may lose my temper,
but I didn't lose a child.

Oh, how dare you accuse me
of doin' somethin' I told you I did!

No wonder I don't want you
stayin' alone with my grandchild.

Is that why you came to the
zoo with me today? To spy on me?

[Scoffs] I thought
we were bondin'.

But you weren't bonding. You
were... You were james bondin'!

Well, I didn't go to the
zoo to punish my feet.

Great. You know what? If I'm just such a
terrible parent, why don't you watch her?

- You know,
if you're just so perfect.
- Then it's settled.

Fine. I will just
take henry and go.

Or don't you trust me with
him either? Good-bye, reba.

- Barbra jean?
- What?

That's elizabeth.

Wow. This place is gorgeous.

Van, look. An ice bucket.

You know what that
means, don't you, cheyenne?

Somewhere on this
floor, unlimited ice. Yeah.

- You know what's the coolest
part about this hotel room?
- What?

We get to leave stuff
lyin' around on the floor,

And your mom can't yell at us!

So, honey, what do
you wanna do first?

I'm gonna lay on this couch
and watch tv. You're on your own.

What are you talking about? Don't
you wanna go check out dallas?

It's awesome.

Honey, look, you've really been
on edge for the past couple of days,

And I think, if we
stay cooped up in this

Hotel room, we're
bound to get into a fight.

Oh, yeah. A doozy.

Wait. You want to
get into a fight?

Yes. Us fighting is
a good luck charm.

Oh, yeah? Then
why aren't we rich?

Look. The day before the city
championship, we had a huge fight.

I had three touchdowns. The day before
the houston scouts came, we had a fight.

I got a scholarship. Tomorrow's my
first start. I need our biggest fight yet.

I can't believe this. You brought me
here planning on us having a bad time?

Well, you're off to a really good
start, you big jerk. That's good.

That's good. But let's
not start off too early.

I wanna make sure
we go to bed angry.

So my... My feelings
mean nothing to you?

I'm just... I'm some part
of your stupid mojo?

Does that upset you? Yes!

Then yes. You know what? I never
wanna talk to you ever again.

Oh, come on, cheyenne. I'm
doin' this for us. get away!

Cheyenne! get a-way!

Oh! I'm gonna have such
a great game tomorrow!

Hey, reba. Hey.

- Hey, jake. How was the zoo?
- A pigeon pooped on a guy!

Yeah? Well, maybe
the guy started it.

Hey, listen, bud, can I get
a moment with your mom?

Okay. But tell mom you like her
bean picture. She made it by herself.

Reba... I know what
you're gonna say.

And I'm sorry, brock, but I think
elizabeth is better off with me.

You know what? You're forgetting
that I was here when you raised our kids.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Gee. Remember when cheyenne
shoved a bean up her nose?

Yeah. Or how about kyra getting
her head stuck in the banister?

Or... Or jake swallowing
a dollar, fifty in change?

Oh, that was my fault. I
told him it was lunch money.

The point is, no one's
a perfect parent, reba.

Okay, maybe I'm
not perfect. Fine.

But at least I'm not annoying.
She goes around all the time...

Saying these goofy things
like, "okeydokey, smoky"...

And, "oh, those waffles
are waffle-tastic!"

So, what? You don't want her to watch
elizabeth because she has a way with words?

Yes! Because it
rubs off on people.

It's already started with
kyra. If I'm not careful,

I'm gonna have a two-year-old walkin'
around askin' for a cookie-wookie.

That's the way kids talk.

Yeah, but then they
stop. She won't stop!

Why is this suddenly an issue?
She's always been like that.

Heck. At our wedding,
she said, "I do, magoo."

[Muffled laughing]

And that must have been
very annoying for you.

No. I laughed,
like you just did.

I didn't laugh. I scoffed. Huh!

Oh, come on. Admit it.
She makes you laugh.

I laugh at her. Okay,
twice, I laughed with her.

But way more at her.

- Reba, you like her.
- I do not.

Yes, you do. No, I don't.

You're beginning to find her
charming and funny and delightful.

Okay. Maybe she's
not an awful person.

And maybe, somewhere...

Buried deep inside
that queen of baboons...

Is a good heart.

But other than that,
she drives me crazy.

I think what's driving you crazy
is you're beginning to like her.

You know what the problem
with this divorce is? It's too nice.

Even I'm gettin' sucked in, everybody
walkin' around gettin' along.

It's ridiculous. I know.
Where's the hate?

So are you gonna
apologize to her? Yes!

There's nothing she likes
better than an apology-walogy.

[Phone ringing]

Hello? Oh, van!

How'd it go? Oh, no,
wait just a second.

I'm gonna put you on the
speakerphone. Jake wants to hear too.

Hold on. Okay, go ahead.

Yes. Can I have a cheeseburger
and some curly fries?

Shh. He thinks it's funny.

Go ahead, van.
Oh, it went great.

I had two touchdowns
and a fumble recovery.

[cheyenne] and I helped him. I yelled
at him until 3:00 in the morning.

[Van] oh, she was
great. I love you.

[cheyenne] oh, I love you the
most. No, you say you love me...

Gag.

[doorbell rings]

[ringing continues] hold
on. Hold on. Hold on.

Barbra jean. How's it goin'?

You like me.

Barbra jean...

You think I'm a good person.

And I also said that you're very annoying.
I didn't want you around my granddaughter.

And yet, you like me.

See, that's the very thing
that makes you so annoying.

♪ I'm annoying
but she likes me ♪

Okay, that's enough.

♪ I'm annoying but she cares ♪

Stop it. ♪ She says to
stop it but she likes me ♪♪

All right! I'm gonna
go get my frying pan!

Okay. Song over.

So, what, you just came
over here to gloat?

No, I came to say thank you.

Why?

Well, it's just with me being
the other woman and all,

Our friendship got
off to a bad start.

Reba, you're very special to me,

And it's just good news to find
out that I'm special to you too.

Okay, wait. Let's
get this very clear.

I'm still way more special
to you than you are to me.

But I'm catching up.

I'll be by later. We
can chat some more.

Okeydokey, smoky.

Please tell me she
didn't hear that.

♪ She said okeydokey
'cause she likes ♪

♪ me ♪♪

yeah! She likes me!

acme! [Coughing]