03x13 - The United Front

[bunniefuu]

Hey, mom. You got a minute?

Oh, honey, not this mornin'. I
am runnin' so late for work.

- Well, I kinda wanted
your advice about boys.
- I'll call in sick.

Boy advice? I'm your older
sister. That's my birthright.

No offense, but I kinda decided
not to ask you for advice...

When your water broke
during high school graduation.

You're seriously asking
mom for advice about boys?

Barbra jean would be better than
mom. I would be better than barbra jean.

It goes me, barbra jean,
dad, van, jake... Then mom.

I'm glad we don't have a dog.

Barbra jean is nuts, and dad, well, as
he puts it, he was a teenage boy once too.

And apparently, a creepy one.

I can't talk to my friends,
because everybody

In school would
know which guy I like.

Wait a minute, are you sayin' there
was nobody left, so you came to me?

Fine, I'll take it. [Chuckles]

You know that a
bunch of kids from band

Have been hanging out
after practice, right?

I do now. Anyways, there's this
guy, scott, who plays trombone.

And he's funny, and he has
blue eyes, and he's really cute.

And does he have an
older brother? [Chuckles]

Sorry. Some people listen,
and some people make jokes.

Anyways, I like him, and
I think he likes me too.

But when I drop hints about
going to the movies or something,

He just cleans his spit valve.

- How can I tell
if he likes me too?
- I can think of, like, 10 ways.

How many can you
come up with, mom?

I have one. You can ask
him out to the movies.

ask him out? That is the
worst advice I've ever heard.

A girl can't wait around forever
for a guy to clean his spit valve.

[Scoffs] if you want to know if
he likes you, just ask him out!

What if he says no? Well then,
say "thank you very much"...

And move on to the woodwinds.

Well, I guess it's better
than not knowing. Yeah.

Thanks, mom. Yeah.

[Cackling] did you hear?

[Inhales deeply] kyra and
I talked about dating.

I'm gonna put that
in her baby book.

- Mom, work?
- Right! I'll do that later.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

There she is. Get her, brock.

Did you tell kyra to
ask a boy out on a date?

I know. Can you believe kyra
asked mom for advice about boys?

That's right. When it comes
to givin' kyra advice about boys,

It goes, me, jake, van
and then cheyenne.

But what about me?
Don't I make the list?

Oh, you're at the
top of another list.

The boy said yes, so thanks
to you, she has a date on friday.

Yes! Kyra took my advice, and it
worked! That goes in the book.

Kyra has a date
because of mom? Yeah.

[Giggling] this is crazy! Yeah.

What's next? Jake's gonna
give good fashion advice?

Well, he did pick
out my shirt today.

I need to lie down.

Well, since you two
are already upset...

Jake called from vegas...
He married a showgirl.

- Are you finished teasin'?
- Yes... Wait!

Yes.

This is a real problem, reba. Kyra's
not allowed to date until she's 18.

Eighteen! She's not allowed
to date through high school?

It's a good rule. And it worked
wonderfully until you undermined us.

Hey, don't blame me. Kyra
didn't tell me about it.

Well, she's not entirely at
fault. We haven't told her yet.

Oh, so you guys have a
bunch of secret rules!

Did you write 'em
down in invisible ink?

She's 14. It hadn't come up yet.

And I was ready to ban dating altogether
after what happened to cheyenne.

Something happened to cheyenne?

Hey! [barbra jean] yeah.

I think kyra's mature
enough to handle herself.

It doesn't matter
how mature kyra is.

- It's the guy
that's the problem.
- Oh, the guy. I'm the problem!

Why don't you and the rest of the villagers
grab your torches and run me out of town?

I'm not talking about you, van.

I'm talking about teenage boys
who have only one thing on their mind.

Well, I got news for you,
mr. H. I'm a teenage boy.

And you know what I
got on my mind? Nothin'!

Well, I think you guys
are overreacting.

They're two 14-year-olds
goin' to a movie.

we'll meet the boy here. I'll drop
'em off and pick 'em up. It'll be fine!

It's not fine. You should have checked with
us before you told kyra she could go out.

I should have checked with you?

I really believe that, as parents, we
three should present a united front.

- Yeah.
- Well, that's a good idea,
barbra jean.

Except you're not
kyra's parent. [Gasps] mean!

For the past three
months, I've been parent

Enough to make her
dinner and do her laundry.

Wow. Three whole months!

That is hard.

I mean, I just gave birth to
her. You made her a sandwich!

Raising kyra is
my job. [Clears throat]

Yeah, and his too.

So, like always, reba's right
and we're wrong. Mm-hmm.

Good. Remember that, and we
won't have these arguments.

I hope you know what you're
doin', reba. Come on, barbra jean.

Fine.

And maybe next time, I'll marry
somebody whose ex-wife appreciates me.

[Clicks tongue]

Hey, honey. How was
practice? Violent.

Those pro guys
are tough and mean.

And they do not
like pretty boys.

No, it's probably just
because you're new.

No, no, no. I'm the
best-looking guy on the team.

Hey, jake. How was
school? That depends.

Is mom home? No.

Then school was great!
Would you sign her name on this?

You threw a pencil
at a girl in school?

- Why do boys act like that?
- Whoa! Whoa!

Why do boys act like
that? Is that what you think?

Is that what you want
our daughter to think...

That boys are
automatically the bad guy?

He's not automatically
the bad guy, van. It's just...

I mean, come on! They just are.

I bet jake had a good
reason. Tell her, jake.

- I was mad.
- That's not good enough. Dig deeper.

Jill campbell was
writing notes about how

She loves me and passing
them to her friends.

- She wouldn't stop.
- There ya go.

The girl started it. And I bet she
didn't get into trouble, did she?

Girls don't get in trouble, van.

Girls don't get in
trouble, cheyenne.

It's always the guy!
Jake here is a victim.

A victim of jill campbell's
love and of a sexist society.

I got you, buddy. I got you.

Well, I never
thought of it like that.

Well, me neither, but now that I
have, I'm gonna do something about it.

[Chuckles] like what? You're gonna
write a musical about men's issues?

[Laughing] no! [Laughing]

Okay. I'm gonna go
talk to jake's teacher.

I make up one song in the shower,
and you won't let me live it down.

Hey, mom. Hey!

Do you mind if I get dressed
for my date over here?

Things are a little
tense at the convent.

I was hoping you would.

Hey, I've been working on this
all day, and I've come up with...

Five sure-fire interesting
topics for you guys to talk about.

I'll just wait outside. No!

Come here. Go on upstairs.

I'll try not to embarrass you.

Is he here yet? No.

Good, 'cause I don't like him.

But I'm gonna like him even
less when he gets here,

- So I need to know
how to pace myself.
- Relax.

This is kyra's first date. We
should be excited for her.

Oh, I'm excited. Of
course that's because...

I'm not kyra's parent so I
don't care what happens to her.

Let the good times roll, I say!

I don't even know why
we're meetin' this kid.

I know exactly what he's gonna
say. "Hello, sir. Nice to meet you, sir."

Any 14-year-old punk that
calls me sir is up to no good.

Believe me, I know
what sir means.

It's a word kids use
to trick old people.

Brock, I'm sure when
you meet the boy, you'll

Find that he's just a
sweet, scared little kid.

Not all creepy like you were.

- [doorbell rings]
- kyra! Your date's here.

[Laughs] how do I look?

Just... Oh.

Hey. I'm scott. Is it cool that I
parked my car in the driveway?

You're scott?

With a car? That you drive?

Fourteen-year-olds don't drive.

I know. I'm 17. I... I... A-and
there's no need to worry.

I've had my license for over a
year, and I've never gotten a ticket.

Your daughter
is safe with me, sir.

Oops.

Hey, scott. Looks like
you met my parents.

- So, are we ready to go?
- [Grown-ups] no!

Uh, no need to rush off. I
mean, the night is young.

Not as young as you thought.

Why don't you two have a seat? Your father
and I will get you a snack in the kitchen.

Okay. [Chuckles]

Scott. Right here.

Hi.

I'm not kyra's parent.

You kids want a beer?

[reba] barbra jean! I'm coming!

Jake. Jake. Go in the living
room and embarrass your sister.

Five bucks if you can
chase the grown man away.

Seventeen. He's 17 years old.

Oh, man. At 17, I
was really bad.

- Kyra threatened me.
- That just means
you're doin' your job.

Now get back in there.

What are we gonna do? I don't
want kyra datin' a 17-year-old boy.

But if we forbid her from dating,
she's just gonna sneak around.

Well, this is what happens
when we do things your way.

I don't think this is a good
time for finger-pointing, brock.

Not when tom jones is
sitting in our living room.

All right!

You guys can stop
pretending to get snacks.

Scott and I will grab
something once we're in mexico.

[Scoffing] very funny, kyra.

Why didn't you tell
us how old he is?

I'm 14, he's 17.
What's the big deal?

- Dad's 45 and you're 42.
- You're 45?

- The date is off.
- But mom said I could go!

Yeah, well, now I'm
saying you can't. Kyra.

We can't allow you to go out
with a 17-year-old all by yourself.

You and scott can still
see each other in groups.

Oh. Well, this is great. All my
friends are busy, and he's already here.

- Where am I gonna find a group?
- ♪♪ [movie soundtrack]

Why do we have to see this
movie? It's full of tv actors.

This is the movie they wanted to
see. They're the ones on the date.

Well, we could have voted.
There's more of us. [Reba, brock] shh!

I can't see where they are.
How'd you lose them already?

We didn't lose them! Besides, it's not
like we're gonna sit right beside them.

I know. In between. No.

They deserve some privacy.
Where in the heck are they?

[Gasps] there they are in
the front row. Come on.

We can set right here
and keep an eye on them.

Excuse me. [Clears throat]

I hate this. Whose bright
idea was it to have daughters?

Probably reba's. She
calls all the shots.

[Softly] barbra jean, no
talking in movie theaters.

From now on, whenever you're around
me, pretend we're in a movie theater.

did you see that? He's
doin' the stretch and reach.

- He's gonna put
his arm around her.
- It's just an arm.

Just an arm? Do you even
know how babies are born?

Barbra jean... Would you
please just stay out of this?

Head on shoulder? We have
a head-on-shoulder situation.

Oh, that was fast. See what
happens when you ignore the arm?

Nothing happens. Scott
seems like a nice enough kid.

I mean, he didn't have any
problem with us tagging along.

Besides, they both know we're here, and
I don't think they're gonna... Oh, lord.

Did he just swallow her face?

They're kissing.

My daughter's getting kissed
right in front of me! [Patrons] hey! Hey!

Does anyone else smell burnt
toast? I think I'm having a stroke!

I don't care whose
daughter she is. Date over.

Barbra jean, would you
stop parenting my child?

If anyone says no
kissin', it's gonna be me.

And I say, "no kissing!"
You're not kyra.

[Kyra] oh my god.

There's my non-sexist
seeker of justice.

- How'd it go
with jake's teacher?
- What? Oh, good!

Good, like she agreed the girl was
just as much to blame as jake was?

Yeah, pretty much. Oh.

She moved her desk to the other
side of the room and told her...

To stay away from
jake at recess.

I liked her, okay? You blew it!

Well, I'm sorry!

Honey, I'm sorry.

But you stuck up for what you
believed in, and you were right.

- Yeah, kinda.
- What does that mean?

[Sighs] maybe jake
wasn't the bad guy,

But I think I was the
bad guy with you.

I mean, your dad was right.

I did have that
thing on my mind.

I mean, you were so
innocent and unsuspecting.

A little papaya
ready to be plucked.

So I plucked.

And now, when they talk about the thing
that happened to cheyenne, I'm the thing.

Van, you're not
"the thing." i am.

And to be honest, I
wasn't that innocent.

Could you elaborate
on that, please?

I did tons of stuff
to make you notice me.

Like walking past your locker
in my drill-team uniform? Yeah.

Pretending that I needed a ride home from
school 'cause my mom forgot to pick me up?

I mean, come on, van.
What kind of mom...

Forgets to pick her daughter
up every day for a month?

I just assumed
she drank. [Chuckles]

So, girls really do that
kind of stuff? Mm-hmm.

Is that why tammy
torenzi did the same thing?

No. She's just a sl*t.

Thanks for not running away in
fear after meeting my psycho parents.

It's... It's fine. Don't worry about
it. And wait till you meet mine.

- My dad makes his own pickles.
- [Chuckles]

Five minutes
means... Five minutes.

You got...

Four more minutes.

- So, um, see you at school?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Bye.

I don't get it. If you didn't want me to
go on a date, why didn't you just say so?

I did want you to go.

I just didn't want that
other couple to have any fun.

Well, I was against it. But once
again, we did it your mom's way.

Well, my way didn't include barbra jean
puttin' her two cents in all night long.

Well, if you had listened to my two
cents, kyra wouldn't have gone on a date.

Kyra going on a date
wasn't the problem.

- You're the problem!
- You know what?

Will you stop?
This is the problem.

The three of you fighting
over everything I do.

I can live with rules, but you three
have to agree on what they are.

Otherwise, I'm the
one who suffers.

- You ruined my first date.
- Ruined?

Or made memorable?

I'm sorry. You're right.

It wasn't fair to
you. From now on,

Your father and I will discuss all
the rules so there'll be no confusion.

- And barbra jean.
- You don't want this
to work, do you?

You're doing it
again. Okay, fine.

Barbra jean can participate.
But you two only get one vote.

- Why do we only get one?
- One brain, one vote. That's the law.

Okay. I guess the three
of us are gonna have

To figure out some
system for making rules.

Well, I think, since she lives with us,
brock and I should make the rules...

And then run them by you.

Or, I can put the rules in a
car and run them over you.

Oh...

Well, I think the best system
would be if I didn't have any rules...

- And I could prove
how responsible I am.
- All in favor?

Sorry. I was pulling for you.

Okay. I have a few rules
that I would like to discuss.

Barbra jean, you can vote on
the rules, you can't make them.

Well, that's not fair! I
don't care what's fair!

You were right. I should have
come to you. [grown-ups arguing]

Me. Mom.

[barbra jean] this is our
house... nobody's listening...

Jake! Good news, buddy.

I fixed everything
with jill campbell.

I told her the only reason you threw a
pencil at her was because you liked her.

And guess what? She's waitin'
for you outside on the porch.

- Come on.
- You talked to jill campbell?

Now don't expect
this every time, okay?

The next babe you get
on your own, right?

I don't like jill
campbell anymore.

I already threw
something at linda osborne.

- Jake! You have a date!
- No, van. You have a date.

[knocking] I was wrong. Jake
doesn't live here anymore.

acme! [Coughing]