04x03 - The Two Girl Theory

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ [flute] [knocking]

Mom, thanks for coming.

She's been like this
all day. What's wrong?

She's really depressed.
She just lies there.

She doesn't eat.
She doesn't talk.

She just keeps playing
that stupid flute.

♪♪ [Continues]

Poor thing. Good thing she
didn't get that banjo she wanted.

I don't think she realized how hard it
was gonna be after she kicked dad out.

Yeah. I know. I made
it look like fun.

I'll talk to her.

Barbra jean.

Oh. Hey, reba.

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

I woke up this morning with
no man, no career, no future.

I'm stuck at home with the kids.
My life has turned into yours!

It's horrible.

Barbra jean, you need
to get off that couch.

I can't. My entire
backside is numb.

My bad. I was supposed
to roll her over.

Barbra jean, you just can't
lie around moping about brock.

You need to do something to
make you feel good about yourself.

- It might be fun to go out.
- Yeah.

Maybe to a bar.

it's been a while since I've been
in a room full of drunken men...

That just want to
take advantage of me.

That makes me feel
good about myself.

Barbra jean, you can't do
that. You're a married woman.

I'm a separated woman. And
I'm not gonna do anything.

I just wanna flirt and
feel attractive again.

- Will you go with me?
- [Chuckles]

I got a great idea. Why don't I
just tell you you look nice...

And then put you in a cab?

Reba, you have to go with me.

- You know, because of
the "two girl" theory.
- Never heard of it.

We have a "two girl" theory at school, but
it's about the girls' field hockey team.

When a woman goes to a singles
bar alone, she looks like a loser.

Therefore, she
attracts only losers.

Oh, that's ridiculous. When
I was young, I went to bars...

Okay. Tell me about
your theory. Yeah.

When two women go out
together, they attract the hot men,

Because they don't scream,
"love me. We're desperate."

You know, unless they actually do
scream, "love me! We're desperate!"

Which, trust me, does not work.

Oh. Well, since you
put it that way, no.

I'm goin' home.

I don't know, mom. Maybe
you should go with her.

Going to a crowded bar might
be the kind of boost she needs.

Can't you go with her?

Remember you said if I got
overwhelmed with barbra jean, you'd help?

Oh, kyra. Honey, I
didn't mean that.

Fine. Okay, barbra jean,
I'll go with you just once.

Oh, sweet! This is
gonna be super fun.

This is gonna be
outrageous and off the hook.

♪ Can I get a whoo-whoo ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

- What are you gonna wear?
- A disguise.

♪♪ [Vocalizing continues]

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[Beeping]

- Hurry up. Hurry up.
- Honey, why are you
in such a rush?

We've gotta get our
breakfast and get out of here.

Your mom spent an entire
evening with barbra jean.

She's gonna be in a foul mood.

[Dings]

Aaah!

Honey, why couldn't you
have waited 30 seconds to eat?

Why can't you cook?

good morning, elizabeth,
elizabeth, elizabeth.

Good morning, cheyenne. Hi.

- Good morning, van.
- [Mumbling] mornin', mrs. H.

You seem like you're
in a cheerful mood.

Oh, I had a great time with barbra
jean last night. That is one funny gal.

Oh-h*, grandma's still drunk.

Oh, and you know that "two
girl" theory of barbra jean's?

It really does work. And
she's like a guy magnet.

I mean, it's just like takin'
a giant puppy in there.

Those big eyes of hers.

Plus, when you do this,
she looks every time.

- What are you looking for?
- I know it's silly,

But I had a bunch of napkins with
telephone numbers written on 'em.

- Thought I put 'em
in my purse.
- Okay, kyra, you're on.

Mom, look what
barbra jean made you.

[Gasps] reba's c*ck
napkin scrapbook.

Look at this.

These are all the guys
that want reba bad.

What?

I've organized
them by "hunkosity,"

But there's an index in the
back that's alphabetical.

Barbra jean, I can't believe
you did all this. Well...

Yeah. Well, the
alphabetizing wasn't all her.

Here's that neurologist's
number. Dr. Bob.

Oh. He was cute.
Yeah, and quite a heinie.

Oh, h*-h*. Not as good
as joe the fireman's.

Oh, no, they've discovered boys.

Hey, I know him.

Hey, van, can I borrow $10?

I want to take a cab to school.

Can't you see
I'm fixing my fish?

Fine. But I'll have to tell mom how
you got me in trouble at school.

Oh, like I could do that.
I'm not even in your school.

Remember that stuff you told me?

you know, "the talk."

- What talk?
- Van gave me "the talk,"
and I told everybody else.

Van gave you "the talk" talk?

Well, I told him in confidence.

Our next talk is a little something
called "keepin' your mouth shut"!

Jake, go to school.

Van and I need to discuss this.

Fine. But what are you gonna say
that van hasn't already told me?

oh, really.

Are you crazy?

Van, you can't do stuff like
that. That's for a parent to do.

Well, I feel sorry for
him. He doesn't have a dad.

He does have a dad.

I keep forgetting. Oh.

Honey, you have to tell mom exactly
what you told jake. Everything.

Why would I do
that? She'll k*ll me.

Van, it's the
responsible thing to do.

What if someone gave
elizabeth "the talk?"

- I'm not gonna do it.
- I am serious.

I'm gonna be so mad.

Not afraid of you.

Afraid of your mother.

I have never had so much
fun trolling for men.

Barbra jean, we
weren't trolling.

They were jumping
in the boat. Oh, yeah!

Oh, reba, you and I
make a great team. [Sighs]

Hey, we should have
team jerseys made up.

We... We... We could call
ourselves the two girls.

And guys would come over and say,
"what does that mean, the two girls?"

And I'd say, "I'm not telling." And then
they'd say, "what's your name, sugar?"

And I'd say, "I'm barbra
jean, and this is reba."

And then we would meet
every eligible man in town.

And then everybody would know
us, and we'd have a huge reputation.

[Gasps, laughs]

That sounds great. But
no shirts and no reputation.

Reba, if we go into
a bar without shirts,

We're going to
have a reputation.

Hey, reba, have you
seen... Barbra jean.

So, where were you last night?

Oh. You know, I was out.

You know, doin' something. Doin'
what? I thought we had plans.

What is with all the questions,
brock? This is like csi: miami.

Barbra jean, we were... Oh, I
can't hear you. Huh? Detective.

Forensic, david caruso.

[door slams] what
was that all about?

Barbra jean was supposed to meet
me for marriage counseling last night.

Instead, she was out barhopping.

How'd you know that?

Oh, this golf buddy of mine is one of
the bartenders over at the blue lounge.

yeah. He said she
was cruising...

With some slutty friend.

Well, maybe your bartender friend
should stop criticizing his customers...

And learn how to
make a pink squirrel.

And I'm sure the woman
was perfectly lovely.

Well, who cares about her?
She's probably just some old tr*mp.

No. The point is,

Barbra jean skipped
our counseling session.

Which I find really
selfish and inconsiderate.

I'm sitting there paying some guy a
hundred bucks an hour to feel like a fool.

You have no idea
what that's like. Oh.

Well, not to nitpick,
but actually I do.

Brock, when we were separated,
there were lots of times...

That you didn't show
up for our counseling.

Well, that's different.
I didn't go then...

Because ours was all about you
blaming me for every little thing.

Brock, I spent hours with that
therapist, trying to save our marriage,

But you were off
with barbra jean.

well, guess what? Now I'm off with
barbra jean. What do you think about that?

- You were out
with barbra jean?
- Yes.

I'm the slutty friend. Surprise!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to go put on my w*r paint.

'Cause barbra jean and I are
gonna go out man hunting.

Oh. ♪ Can I get a whoo-whoo ♪

Well, jake's asleep,
and I'm going out.

Cheyenne, does this
outfit make me look slutty?

No. Of course not.
You look really nice.

- thank you.
- mrs. H.

Vavavavoom.

I'm changing. van.

- Did you tell mom yet?
- Tell me what?

Don't do it, cheyenne.

Van told jake the facts of life.

Betrayal!

- He did what?
- Mm-hmm. He gave jake the talk
about the facts of life,

But he didn't wanna tell you, but I thought
it was my duty as a responsible adult.

Well, this is a surprise.

Go after him, mom.
He's scared of you.

Well, van, all I can
say is, thank you.

What? What?

Well, yeah. I mean, it was really
easy telling my little girls about it,

But I think a boy should
hear it from a man.

Excuse me for a minute.

You know, I can't
take all the credit.

Two dogs across the street
brought up the subject.

I can't believe you're
glad he did this.

It was the responsible
thing to do, cheyenne. Oh.

How did he take
it? Oh, he loved it.

He was laughing. We were
high-fiving. It was awesome.

You kept it age
appropriate, right?

Absolutely. Nothing
graphic or anything.

I just explained that it was like,
you know, wrestling with his buddies,

But with girls, and
that once you've done it,

It's all you ever
want to talk about.

But, van, he's a kid.

You were supposed to keep it technical
and boring. Wrestling makes it sound fun.

No. Don't worry. I
didn't make it sound fun.

I don't even think
of it like that.

Excuse me?

Oh. I mean it's fun with you,
honey. Just not with other people.

What other people?

Other people do it, cheyenne.
Just take a look around the mall.

Okay. Why don't you just
tell me what you said to him.

Why? I did it right.
All right, look.

If it'll make you feel better, I'll
talk to him again, tell him it's no fun.

In fact, I'll tell him it's a lot
of pressure and a lot of work,

And sometimes, I'd
just rather read.

We'll talk about
this later. Endlessly.

Look. I don't want
you to talk to him.

I just need to determine
if I need to talk to him.

It's no big deal, mrs. H.
We started with the dogs.

Then I segued from them
to the birds and the bees.

But not for long because, to
be perfectly honest with you,

I don't know anything about
how the birds and the bees do it.

Except if they're doing it when
their flying, it's probably dangerous.

It's why you probably see birds
smashing into windows all the time.

Yeah. Thank you.

I've just determined that
I do need to talk to him.

- Hey, he's your kid.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, mrs. H, by the way,

I told him I kind
of invented it. So...

I rate that guy a five.

[Slurps]

Now he's an eight.

Why are you writing your phone
number on all those napkins?

Trying to beat the rush?

Yeah. 'Cause after a
couple of jell-o shots,

My name looks like "robo."

Oh, they're cute. Oh, yeah.

Make the puppy eyes.
[Chuckles] come on, reba.

They're not lookin' at my eyes.

Make the puppy
eyes. Oh, all right.

Hey, uh, I know you. We... We
work in the same medical building.

- I'm paul. I'm the surgeon
on the third floor.
- Oh.

Well, that's my mistake, 'cause
I been getting all my surgery...

Up on the second
floor. [Cackling]

- You guys like
jell-o shots, huh?
- Sure. Yeah.

- we'll be right back.
- thanks.

Reba, we should do this
every thursday night.

Yeah, but then we'd only be
getting the thursday night crop.

There's a whole week's worth
of men to be harvested out here.

Yeah, but I need something
to do on thursdays.

That's my marriage
counseling night with brock.

Ugh. He just makes
it miserable for me.

Yeah, I been
there. I bet he's all,

"Hey, don't blame me. I
didn't do nothin' wrong.

I'm brock. I'm mr. Perfect."

No. He's more like, "we need
to talk about our feelings.

We need to work on
this thing together."

[Scoffs] what's that?

No, he's not. Yeah, he is.

He's become really earnest.

And not the funny
ernest that went to camp.

But, you know, that don't
sound like the brock that I know.

That sounds like
somebody who's... Trying.

Hmm. Yeah. Trying my nerves.

Good one, barbra jean.

You know, barbra jean, this
could be the jell-o talking,

But don't you think you're
being a little hard on him?

Hard on him? Reba,
this is hard on me.

I mean, one day he decides
he's not happy with his life.

Try not to take that personally.

Yeah. But it sounds like
he's not stopping there.

It sounds like he's trying
to do something about it.

I think the counseling will help.
Well, maybe I don't wanna help.

Maybe I want him to know what it
feels like to be left twisting in the wind.

Are you doing
this to punish him?

That... And cutting tiny little
holes into all of his socks.

- Here we go, ladies.
- You know what,
we just quit drinking.

What? Yeah, you heard me.

This woman is married, and her
husband is emotionally unstable.

Now shoo!

[Scoffs] reba, what
did you do that for?

Look, barbra jean. Nobody
blames you for being hurt.

But when you got married,
you made a commitment.

Now here you are, out having a
good time, avoiding all the issues,

Instead of giving it your all and
trying to save your relationship.

Reba, this is my marriage.

And maybe I don't
wanna fix it. Okay.

But that's a decision you
need to make somewhere...

Where they're not
serving booze that jiggles.

Now let's go. Fine.

But I'm still cutting
holes in his socks.

Actually, I'm single.

Have a good day, honey.

Hey, how's about we keep
those dogs in the backyard!

You know what's funny?

You never see cats doin' that.

What you need, brock? Well, I wanted
to apologize for being such a jerk.

Which time? The most recent one.

Barbra jean called this morning, and she
said that you talked to her about therapy.

That means a lot to me.

- Has barbra jean agreed
to go with you?
- She's not sure.

She'll think about it.
Man, I hope she does.

You really are
trying, aren't you?

Harder than anything in my life.
Just wish I didn't have to do it alone.

- I know how that feels.
- [Sighs]

You know, brock, when we were
going through our separation,

I thought I'd hate you
for the rest of my life.

But now that you're
going through it,

I feel bad for
you, and I'm sorry.

I really am.

I'm sorry too, reba.

Okay. That's enough
of that. Yeah. That was...

Well, all I can say is,

My shrink is gonna
have a field day with this.

- What do you mean?
- Ah, you know,

The feelings you have for me.

I don't have feelings
for you, brock.

I said I know what you're going
through. That's called empathy.

Come on, reba. It's
nothing to be ashamed of.

You felt it.

- Felt what?
- You know, a spark.

A spark? Of all
the egotistical...

I show you one moment of
kindness, and you have the gall...

- Whoa, I'm detecting a lot
of anger here, reba.
- You think?

You know, excessive anger
always covers hidden feelings.

Oh. Well, that may very well be,

But I'm not hiding
my feelings. Watch.

I need a jell-o shot.

acme! [Coughing]