04x04 - Van's Agent

[bunniefuu]

we're on a limited
budget, cheyenne.

Just 'cause the diapers say "disposable,"
it doesn't mean you can't use 'em twice.

- What's goin' on?
- Oh, van's bein'
all cheap again...

'Cause he's waiting for the
team to renew his contract.

- What's your agent say?
- I don't know. Let me ask him.

Van, what do you think about
tryin' to get more money?

Gee, I think it's best
not to rock the boat.

He says it's best
not to rock the boat.

Van, you can't be your own agent.
The team won't take you seriously.

What if I use a fake
accent on the phone?

[British accent] that
offer's a bloody insult.

Can you give us two
more quid for the trolley?

Hey, you know what? I
could negotiate your deal.

Why, just yesterday I
cried my way out of a ticket.

Are you both out of your minds?

Van, you need a professional.

A football career
won't last forever,

And you need to get all the
money you possibly can now.

All right. Fine. I'll
get a real agent. Good.

[Muttering] let brock
be your agent.

I swear, I have to tell everybody
to do everything all the time.

I'm gettin' sick of
it. Sick! Sick! Sick!

[British accent] that one's got a
right hairy temper, she does.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Oh, sh**t, lori ann. I was
lookin' forward to seein' ya.

No, no, no. If he left
the priesthood for ya,

The least you could do
is go to jamaica with him.

Yeah, okay. Call me
when you get back. Bye.

- Lori ann's not flying in?
- No.

I had so much I needed
to talk to her about.

Well, you can talk to
me. Oh, thanks, cheyenne,

But most of it was about you,
and you tend to take your side.

Hey, mom. Hey, "girl
in blonde" jokes.

Well, let me tell you
something about red hair, kyra.

You're lucky mom's here.

Congratulate me. The top agent
in my league might represent me.

Wow. That's fantastic.

- Why "might"?
- Yeah, what's the catch?

Well, she won't represent
problem athletes,

So her big thing is to meet
the family and check 'em out.

Wait, wait. So she's
gonna judge us?

I hate being judged.
I love judging.

You better give me plenty of
warning before this woman comes over.

She'll be here in
two hours. What?

Just deciding what to
wear takes two hours!

Hold all my calls.
I'll be in my closet.

Don't worry, van.
We'll make you proud.

Proud? Look around
this place, buddy.

You live with the divorced mother of
your teenage bride due to pregnancy...

Whose dad ran off with his
dental assistant, also with child.

I may claim to be
pregnant just to fit in.

She's right. We're
practically circus people!

Practically?

Put barbra jean in a tiny
car, and we could sell tickets.

Jake, why are you wearin'
last year's church suit?

Van told me I had to dress up if I
wanted to come out of my room...

So I wouldn't make him look bad.

Who looks bad now?

- Where's your new suit?
- Remember for halloween,

How I asked if I could
be a businessman...

Who got stabbed a thousand
times, but you said no?

Well, I kind of already
made the costume.

I'm sending myself
to my room now.

Mm-hmm.

So, how do I look?

Cheyenne, my agent's a
woman. Put those away.

Guys, just calm down.
Everything's gonna be fine.

- [doorbell rings]
- [yelps]

- Here we go.
- Is the sports agent here?

oh, van, this is so excitin'.

jerry maguire is my
favorite movie ever.

I have written tom
cruise over 1,500 letters.

Mrs. H, the circus is in town.

Barbra jean, I'm sure the agent
just wants to meet the family.

I am family. And I would
never miss a family meeting.

especially when I'm all alone
over there in that great big house...

Kyra off at a concert,
walls closing in,

Bottle of jack callin' my name.

- [doorbell rings]
- [yelps]

I'll get it. I'll
get it. [Blows]

Yes, ted, I'm sure it's a
very, very nice offer.

you know what I
think I'm gonna do?

I'll take it home and put it
in the bottom of my birdcage.

Listen to me, ted.
It's very simple.

My client makes your fans happy.

And happy fans buy
tickets and pay for parking...

And enjoy that expensive
tinkle water that you call beer.

i'll get back to you.

I'm so sorry. Sadie owens.

- Reba hart. I'm van's mother-in-law.
- That was awesome.

Tinkle water. [Giggling]

Oh, this is my wife,
cheyenne. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Barbra jean hart. Hey.

Reba and I have the same last
name because I married her ex, brock.

We're currently separated,

But his teenage daughter, kyra, still
lives with me even though brock moved out.

He's on pills.

So, should we all sit
down? Oh, please, sit, yes.

Yes, yes, sit.

So, this is my home.
These are my peeps.

Sadie, I just love
that jerry maguire.

When cuba gooding
jr. Asked tom cruise...

If he shoplifted
the pooty... [Laughing]

I about spit up.

Yeah, it was a great film. Do you mind
if I get to know the other people here?

Right. Sure.

Sadie, if you're wondering
what kind of guy van is...

Or what his family's like, well, I
can assure you we're not perfect,

But we do have lots of love.

- As a matter of fact...
- She said zip it!

So, sadie... Oh, I
just love that name.

[Giggles] how do you spell
that? With a "y" or an "ie"?

I don't think anyone
spells it with a "y."

So with an "ie"?

Knock it off, cheyenne.

What do you care
how she spells it?

- Well, you ask her
something, van.
- I will.

So, how long you been
spelling it that way?

You threw me off!

Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Barbra jean. Brock.

Mr. H, I'm so glad you're
here. This is sadie owens.

Brock hart. Hi.

So, wow! A woman
sports agent, huh?

Yes, you know, women have made
great strides in the last hundred years.

Great. Between you and your
daughter, you're k*lling me.

I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to offend you.

It's just that, ah, for a while I
thought I might represent van.

- Oh, are you an agent?
- I'm a pro golfer.

And a part-time dentist.

Oh. You're the one on the pills.

Isn't he hilarious? Don't ya
just want to laugh at him?

- We have company judging us.
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Barbra jean, just because we're not living
together doesn't mean we can't be civil.

Ooh, sadie, could
you move the table?

I'm gonna roll
around with laughter.

Why are you being so hostile?
You asked me to move out.

Oh, and you just sprinted towards
the door, didn't you, big fella?

Barbra jean,
mr. H! Kitchen! Now!

So we can celebrate
how well this is all goin'.

[Barbra jean] somebody's
put on a few in the keister.

doesn't stop you from
lookin' at it, does it?

oh, I'll look at it if
I want to! [laughing]

Cheyenne, why don't you tell sadie
how you're studyin' to become a dentist?

Oh, yeah. I just really
want to help teeth. [Giggles]

I'm sorry. I'm just
really nervous,

And I'm trying really
hard not to say the

Wrong thing, but I keep
sayin' the wrong thing.

Van should've never got me
pregnant and married at 17. Oh, my god!

I did it again.

Well, those are his peeps.

Look, I don't expect
any family to be perfect.

I have kids and an ex-husband
and a crazy family of my own.

Yeah, but you
haven't met all of 'em.

Our other daughter,
kyra... She lives with her dad.

I have a daughter who lives
with her father too. Oh, really?

Yeah, I miss her like crazy, but
she makes his life so miserable...

That somehow it all evens out.

We really do have
a lot in common.

I was just sayin' this morning how I
miss havin' somebody I can relate to.

- It gets lonely sometimes.
- Tell me about it.

I started talking
to my bird. [Laughing]

But you... I don't understand
how you can be lonely.

Well, you know, my
girlfriend, she moved away,

And she was supposed
to come visit this weekend.

But she had to cancel because
she's in this new relationship.

Well, maybe you'll
meet someone new.

Yeah, that'd be nice.
Hey, you know what?

Maybe you and I could get
together sometime and hang out.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, yeah, sure. You
know, this is wild because...

This is actually what
I've sort of been hoping

Would happen ever
since I switched teams.

Teams?

- But if you're an agent, how...
- No, not sports teams.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I got a divorce,
and then I realized I'm g*y.

Oh.

It's just another thing
we have in common.

- Oh?
- Yeah, it's okay.

No, van already
told me you were g*y.

Oh.

So van told you I was g*y?

Wa... Was he not
supposed to? I'm sorry.

I mean, he was so
up front about it.

Well, the truth is he
said you were supergay.

He did, did he?

Oh, he always was a
talkative little poot.

[Laughs]

Yeah, just talk, talk, talk.

Could you excuse
me just for a second?

Yeah.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Let me ask you a question, van.

Why did you tell
sadie I was g*y? What?

I never said that.
Why would I say that?

Did you tell her I was supergay?

Oh, yeah. [Exclaims]

Well, I didn't mean to.

Sadie and I were talking
about our favorite

Cities, and I said I
really liked lubbock.

She mentioned san francisco. I
wanted to sound clever and make a joke.

But I don't know anything about san
francisco but cable cars and g*y people.

- Van!
- So I made a joke
about g*y people.

And it wasn't funny apparently,

Because she looks at me
kind of offended and says,

"Van, I'm g*y. Do you have a
problem with g*y people?"

I'm like, "oh, no, not at all.
My mother-in-law's supergay."

I love you, man. Ow.

Sadie is g*y? This
top is perfect.

She... She probably hasn't
even heard a word I've said.

You're gonna go right in there
right now and tell her the truth.

Wait, mrs. H. If she knows I lied,
she'll refuse to represent me.

Believe me, lesbians do not
find this kind of thing funny.

They really don't.

And, mrs. H, if she
doesn't represent me,

Then all the other agents will
think there's something wrong with me.

And who will be my agent then, the
golfing dentist with the bad accent?

I can't keep rationing
diapers, mom.

And I want things...
Shiny, fancy things.

maybe you could just go
with it for a few minutes.

Yeah, come on, reba.
What's a few minutes?

Yeah, just don't go to
massachusetts, reba.

They're making them get married.

It's a little more complicated than
just fibbing about it for a few minutes.

I may have already
asked her out.

Wait. Wait a second, mom.
What exactly did you say?

Well, that maybe we could hang out sometime
together. That seems pretty innocent.

Because my girlfriend moved
out of town, and I was lonely.

All right. Just
hang on a second.

Saying "maybe we could hang out"
doesn't mean you asked her out on a date.

Really? Absolutely. You
got nothing to worry about.

Hey, guys, there's a boy in a
tiny suit in there watching tv.

I'm so sorry. I was
just comin' out.

Of the kitchen. I was...

Oh, I was... I was just
comin' out of the kitchen.

Look, i... I have to go
anyway, but it's been real.

No, wait a second.
This isn't my real family.

they're... They're
circus people.

all right, van,
van. I like them.

And I'm looking forward
to representing you.

What? You'll be
my agent? Mm-hmm.

[Squeals]

This is so great! yeah!

I'm gonna start on van's deal right
way, and it was great meeting you.

Oh, thank you so much. Thanks.

[Squeals] I am so glad
that's over with.

I am never gettin' myself
in that situation again.

Hey, reba, I almost forgot. Hmm?

How about I pick you up tomorrow
night at 8:00, and we can hang out?

Super.

Where's your mother? It's
almost time for her date.

Van, I would stop
calling it that.

And stop singing that song
about her and sadie in a tree.

Did I miss it? Did
you take pictures?

Oh, my gosh! Did
they look adorable?

oh, reba, you are definitely
gonna be the pretty one.

I don't think I can
go through with this.

Mom, this is really important
for our future, okay?

Sadie could take his
career to a whole new level.

Sadie's a nice person. I
don't like lying to her.

Mrs. H, I know this
has been tough on you.

But I promise you, the second the
deal's done, I will tell sadie the truth.

I don't care what she thinks about
me. You are more important to me.

[doorbell rings] [yelps]

Hey, I've got big news.

What news? Is it about my
deal? Is it... Is it done? Is it good?

Well, if you
consider a 25% raise...

And an added third year good,
then yeah, I'd say it's pretty good.

- Twenty-five percent? Third year?
- So it's all done?

It's all done. [Cheering]

- We are so rich!
- [Laughs]

I'm so happy for you,
van. Thanks, mrs. H.

Sadie, there's something I need to
tell you. I know, and you're welcome.

Now, you just wait
until you see how badly...

We're gonna nail 'em on
your next three-year deal.

- Have a nice dinner.
- Yeah.

Barbra jean, could you,
uh, give us a minute, please?

Oh, sure. Oh, by the way, I have a
suggestion on where you guys can go.

I have a suggestion
where you can go too.

I thought g*y people were jolly.

[door closes] okay,
reba, what's goin' on?

Well, here's the thing...

It's a little bit funny, depending
on your sense of humor.

You see, I'm a tiny little bit
less g*y than van said I was.

Oh, so you're not supergay?

No. I have no powers
of gayness whatsoever.

Oh.

I'm sorry. When
van told you that,

He was just tryin' to cover
up some lame joke of his.

Yeah, I see. I see.

I mean, I should've known.
This happens to me all the time.

See, I got no gaydar.

How am I supposed to meet
women? I got no gaydar.

I got no dates. I got nothin'.

It's because I'm no good.
I'm bad. I am a bad l*sbian.

Well, for as long
as I've been a l*sbian,

I can tell ya, it's not easy.

You know, when you
come out of the closet,

They never tell you
how hard it's gonna be.

All the tv shows and magazines,
they make it look so easy.

"Oh, get out in the world.
The women are waiting for you."

Well, you just look out there and
tell me if you see any available women.

[No audible dialogue]

Yeah, it's ugly out there.

I don't know. I just...

I just get a little lonely
sometimes. That's all.

Yeah, I know.

Like when your best
friend moves away,

And you think you've found
someone you could be friends with,

But then you blow it
by pretending to be g*y.

Why do you think you blew it?

Well, if you lied to me, I wouldn't
want to be friends with you.

Reba, I'm an agent.
I'm gonna lie to you.

Hey, we both lie. That's
another thing we have in common.

[Laughs] so, I guess that means
we can still go to dinner.

Well, I'm gonna have
to cancel the violinist,

And you're gonna have
to pay your own way.

[Laughs]

Hey, you're not the kind of friend who
runs off to jamaica with a nun, are you?

Uh, won't make that
mistake twice. [Laughs]

Wait. Wait a sec. I don't
even wear contacts.

No, you don't, do you?

Stupid. Where are
you guys going?

Out to dinner. Don't wait up.

Oh, my gosh. She turned reba.

Elizabeth's gonna
have two grandmas.

I know!

acme! [Coughing]