04x13 - Date of Mirth

[bunniefuu]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Hey, van. Is reba here?

I have got big, big
news. Ooh! Tell me.

- I can't. It's too personal.
- Too personal?

Barbra jean, you're my stepmother-in-law,
partial grandmother to my child,

The woman that I may one
day have to put in a home.

You'd put me in a
home? In a heartbeat.

That is so sweet.
But, no. [door opens]

Oh, great. All right, now scoot.

I don't know how much
longer I can hold this in.

Fine. No home for you. You can forget
about pudding, and you can diaper yourself.

Okay, reba, I have
got huge news. Huge!

Barbra jean, I've had a long, bad
day, and the last thing I wanna do...

Is sit here and pretend that I'm
interested in anything you have to say.

That's also true on a good day.

I have a crush on my
marriage counselor.

Tell me.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

- Barbra jean has the hots
for her marriage counselor.
- Shut up.

- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.

[Loud whisper] I'm
serious! They'll hear us!

Oh, reba, dr. Morgan
is so dreamy.

And I know he's paid to listen,

But the way he hangs
on my every word,

It's like he's
doin' it for free.

Okay, clearly, you've
got to stop seein' the man.

Oh, I can't. I already made brock
fire our last two counselors.

If I do it again,
he's gonna ask why.

What am I gonna say? Oh. I can't
look at him without purring.

[Purring]

Talk it over with dr. Morgan.

I'm sure he's dealt with
this kind of situation before.

Okay. All right, I will.
Will you go with me?

- No!
- Reba, please?

I can't do this alone. I'm weak.

People only think I'm
strong 'cause I'm tall.

I understand, just like they all
think you're crazy, 'cause ya are.

[Murmurs]

Hey, mom, what ya doin'? Yeah.

Is there anything interesting going
on? 'Cause there's nothin' going on here.

Nope.

You can cut the act. I know
you guys were listenin'.

Oh, good. It's so hard for me to
convince people I don't know anything.

Mom, you have to go down
there with barbra jean.

Why? All she has to do is go talk
to the man. And even she can do that.

No, no, no. Talking is exactly
how you get yourself into trouble.

Eventually, you run out of words,
and then clothes start flying.

Mm-hmm. If we had better
vocabularies, you wouldn't be a grandma.

Nothin' is gonna
happen between them.

Maybe not, but what could happen is
that barbra jean says it the wrong way,

And it somehow gets back to dad.

Their marriage is in a
fragile place right now.

Everything could be lost
if barbra jean starts dating.

Mom, you've gotta go
down there with her.

Why? When did barbra jean
become my responsibility?

When your husband married her.

Look, mom, barbra
jean needs your help.

And if you don't go down
there with her, we will.

yeah. We will.

And I can't promise you,
if things get heated up,

I won't open up a can of
"whoop a*s" on dr. Delicious.

Don't make him open
up the can, mom.

Not a good-enough reason.

Fine. But all I know is...

The better she gets along with
dad, the less she's over here.

Well, that's a
good-enough reason.

Is this weird? This
is weird, isn't it?

I don't want him
to think I'm weird.

Barbra jean, the man deals with
crackpots and head cases all day.

If you could seem normal
anywhere, it'd be here.

Aw, thanks, reba. You
always know what to say.

Speakin' of, what are
you gonna say to him?

I was thinking I'd start
with, "run for the hills!"

I'm not gonna say anything.
I'm just along for the ride.

Oh, but you have to.

Just seein' him gets me
all tongue-tied and giggly.

Oh, for the love of grits and gravy,
barbra jean, you're a grown woman.

Quit actin' like a
little, silly... Yum.

[No audible dialogue]

I know. He's like...

Orange chicken for the eyes.

- Well, hey, barbra jean.
- [Forced chuckle]

This is an unexpected pleasure.

Oh, for me too.

Every time's a pleasure.

Well, you know, I don't
mean a "pleasure" pleasure.

You know, like a pleasure.

I just mean pleasure.

Oh, my gosh. Why can't
I stop sayin' that word?

[Giggling]

Hi, I'm reba hart. I just came
along to keep her from babblin'.

I've let her down.

Hi. I'm, uh, jack morgan.
It's nice to meet you.

You too.

Okay, reba, you can go now.

What? Two seconds ago, you
wanted me to do all the talkin'.

Well, yes, uh, that was
before you started actin'...

Like I just introduced you
to davy jones of the monkees.

Uh, I'm sorry. Is there something
going on I should know about?

Ask her.

[Whinges]

Oh. Well, it's, um...
It's... It's funny, really.

Yeah. Bee-bop.

Um, I just, uh...
I, uh... I think...

I think you're... Oh,
god, you smell good.

What she's tryin' to say is she has a
problem because she is attracted to you.

Oh, you do smell good. I know.

Okay, no, I see. Barbra
jean, I know you love brock.

Oh! I do. I really... I really
do. I'm evil. That's all.

No. You're going through
something called transference.

That's when somebody in your situation
becomes attracted to their therapist.

Even some of the
nerdy doctors get it.

So... So I'm not bad?

You don't wanna punish me?

Trust me. No, no.
You're a good person.

But since you're
still flirting with me, I

Should refer you and
brock to somebody else.

so, um, I'll tell brock that it's
because I've taken on too much.

Oh, doctor, you...

Are a wonderful, wonderful man.

Oh, god.

♪ Amazing grace how sweet... ♪

She took my gum.

You know, you handled
that pretty well.

Well, thanks. It does happen
to therapists quite a bit.

I've had patients
fall for me before.

I'll bet.

I mean, yeah, people are
weak. I... I guess I'd better go.

Um, reba... Dr. Morgan...

Go ahead. No,
please, you go first.

I was just wonderin', since you're not
seeing brock and barbra jean anymore,

Maybe I could take their
spot? Oh, you're married?

No, no. I'm not
even seein' anyone.

Yet, you feel the need
for marriage counseling?

Oh. Yeah. Silly me.

No, I just thought it would be neat for
you and I to kind of sit down and chat...

Either here or in a
dimly-lit italian restaurant.

Either way. Oh.

Are you asking me out? Or do you
actually wanna see me as a patient?

What do you suggest?
You're the doctor.

Well, if you're asking
to see me as a patient,

You pay. If you're
asking me out, I pay.

Oh, good. Let's go
with the second one.

Oh, cheyenne.
There you are. Hey.

Hey, I need you to
do me some favors.

I need you to
switch the laundry,

Watch jake tonight and
pick up some milk at the store.

- Why?
- 'Cause I sold the cow
for some magic beans.

No, no, no. I mean about watching
jake. What are you doin' tonight?

I have a date. A date?

You don't date.

Yes, I do, theoretically.

Who is it? Is it the
butcher with the lazy eye?

No.

The delivery guy with the hump?

Ew!

His name is dr. Morgan. And for your
information, he's prettier than me.

Dr. Morgan. Dr. Morgan.
Where do I know that name from?

It'll come to ya.

Hey, mrs. H. What's new?

Dr. Morgan! She is dating dad and
barbra jean's marriage counselor.

Is that true?

Yes. But in my
defense, he's very hot.

- Well, does she know?
- Does who know?

Don't play dumb with me.

I practically invented
that. You know who.

Barbra jean. Did you
ask her if it's okay?

Why should i? Barbra jean didn't get
my permission when she dated brock.

So you're saying you're
no better than barbra jean?

Ooh!

[Gasps] burn.

Try not askin' her now.

Fine. I'll do it.

Wish I could trade you
kids for some magic beans.

Hey, brock. Hey, reba.

Whatcha doin', washin' your wig?

Seriously, you and the
dog have the same hair.

Oh, hey, reba. Hey.

Oh! Don't they just
look adorable?

My little precious
and my big precious.

It was then he realized
that masculine feeling...

Would never return.

- So, reba, what brings you by?
- I just wanted to come by
and tell ya somethin'.

- I have a date.
- Ooh!
- Oh.

Way to go, hot stuff. Is it
the butcher with the lazy eye?

No. Oh, reba, it's
not harry the hump?

- It's dr. Morgan.
- [Dishes clatter]

Barbra jean, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm... I'm fine. I just lost the
feeling in my head there for a second.

You know how it does.

- So, you okay with this?
- Oh, yeah.

I mean, yeah, of
course. I'm fine. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I mean, why would I care that
you're gonna go out with my man?

I mean, our man. [Chuckles]

Our counselor. [Muffled grunt]

There is just one tiny
little problem though.

- Yeah? What's that?
- He's g*y.

What! Oh, brock, he's
not g*y. Of course not.

Why would you say
somethin' stupid like that?

Please, look at the guy.
Stylish haircut, k*ller smile, tan.

Seems like a guy who's a
little too into his appearance.

Oh, great. Now my hands are
all wrinkled from the stupid bath.

So anyhow, I just wanted to
come by and tell you about my date.

Glad you don't have
a problem with it.

Brock, honey, I got a little headache.
Could you get me some aspirin?

Yeah, sure, honey. okay.

- I've gotta get
some hand cream anyway.
- Right.

Well, so you finally got
me, huh? Ya paid me back.

I took your man, so now
you're gonna take mine?

I didn't take your man. You
already have one. That's all you get.

They're not collectibles.

You were never my
friend, were you?

You just wanted to
keep me close until the

Day you could deliver
your traitorous blow.

Well, congratulations, peaches.

You k*lled somethin'
today... My respect for you.

Oh, barbra jean. No, no, no. You
don't get to call me by my first name.

No, that is reserved for my
friends and people doin' roll call.

Here you go, honey. Ah. Mmm.

Did I miss something? No, no.

I was just lettin' reba know
how happy I am about her date.

Yeah, we all are. [Chuckles]

Are you crazy? You can't
go out with dr. Morgan.

Barbra jean likes him.

You knew? Well,
of course I knew.

My wife is many things.
Subtle is not one of 'em.

Well, then why did
you say he was g*y?

Oh, I just like to needle her.

Oh, great. Now I have dog hair
all over my favorite sweater.

So you don't have
a problem with this?

Please. Barbra jean loves me.

She would never do anything.
She has crushes all the time.

Besides, do I look like a guy who
would feel threatened by anyone?

If she has a new crush every
week, why can't I go out with the guy?

It's not about him
and barbra jean.

It's about you and barbra jean.

If you ask her what quality she admires
most in a person, she'll say it's loyalty.

And if you ask her what person has
that quality most, she'll say it's reba.

She looks up to you, and she would be
devastated if she thought you betrayed her.

I'm not betraying her. I know.
You have every right to do this.

I'm just telling you, it will
really hurt barbra jean.

As far as she's concerned, she would never,
ever go out with a guy that you liked.

Now. Now! She wouldn't go
out with a guy you liked now.

Well, you got a
beautiful house. Thanks.

You wanna come in? I'm pretty
sure my parents are asleep.

- Hey.
- Looks like your mom waited up.

Sweetheart, what are you doin' here?
I thought cheyenne was babysittin'?

I don't know. She wanted
me to cover for her...

And something about
a sale at the mall...

And would I mind making
up a story for mom.

So anyway, she's studying.

Kyra, this is dr. Morgan.
Hey, nice to meet you.

Wow. Has dad seem him?

I used to be his marriage
counselor. [Chuckles]

Someday, I'm gonna write a book.

Wow. That was a great
restaurant you picked.

I haven't had chinese
in a while. [door closes]

Well, for some reason, I had
a craving for orange chicken.

I had a terrific time tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Whoo. That was just almost one
of those kissin' moments, wasn't it?

I'm, uh... I'm sorry.
It was too fast?

No, no, no. No, I
should be sorry.

I keep thinkin'
about barbra jean.

It's just she likes me so much.

I like you too.

Ooh, boy, that was good.

I was kinda hopin'
that would stink.

Yeah, that was mostly
just my lower lip.

I... I just can't do this.

I... I can't do this to barbra
jean. It would hurt her too much.

I mean, people only think she's
strong because she's so tall.

I understand.
It's just not fair.

- I really like you.
- And I like you too.

And the thing is, this shows
what a good person you are,

Which makes me
like you even more.

Oh, I wish I was bad.

Yeah, I do too.

I had a great time tonight.

Don't leave her. [Sobbing]

- Barbra jean?
- Reba, you can't
break up with him.

How long have you
been in my kitchen?

Since we got home
from the restaurant.

I've been following
you all night.

You realize that's
not normal behavior?

Hey, cowboy, we're
not in your office.

Reba, I'm so sorry I
doubted our friendship.

When I was in there
eavesdropping on you,

I realized how special
our relationship is.

So take the hunky doctor.

- You have my blessing.
- Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Well, that's very warped and
generous of you, barbra jean.

And you... If you hurt her,

You are gonna
have me to deal with.

Oh, god.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪♪

[door closes]

Well, I got my gum back. Oh.

That's terrible.

acme! [Coughing]