06x01 - Let's Get Physical

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]
That woman is out of control.
She's like a locust.
She has eaten everything in the house.
She's eaten everything at Mr. H's house.

Look. Even the salt and pepper

shakers are empty.


Why don't you just tell her

she's eating too much?


-You tell her.

-No. You tell her.

Rock, paper, scissors.
Van, you know you're gonna lose.
Not this time. One, two, three.
Dang it!
How do you always beat me?

-Because you always pick scissors.

-Of course I do. It's my system.

So you'll tell her?
Yeah, fine. No. I don't want to.

-Come on, you tell her.

-No.


-Please. Please. Please.

-No.

No, Van. Why should I tell her?
Because, girls can say that kind of stuff

without having it come across like

all they care about are looks.


By the way, [exclaims]

you have been looking hot lately.


-Oh.

-[chuckling] Oh, you.

Sweetie, why don't I tell her.
Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey.
[exhales]
Guess who Luigi gave the free pizza to?

Luigi doesn't have to roll her

out of the bed every morning.


You know, Mom,

we really don't need another pizza.

I mean, it's really just the three of us.

Oh, I know.

But I had to take it. It was free.


-Somebody will eat it.

-Oh.

Dibs!
You know what, Mom, I'm thinking

maybe we should all try

and get a little healthier around here.


What are you talking about?

I'm very healthy.

All right, that's it, Mrs. H. Drop it!

Drop it, Mrs. H!

Drop it! Drop it! Drop it!

Drop it.

Mrs. H, I… I can't stand

to see you do this to yourself.


It's like you're trying

to eat yourself to death. Why?

What happened to you? What's different?
[whooping] I'm here. And I'm thin!
Yeah, thin as a stick and dumb as one.

Yikes.
What's eating Gilbert Grape?

[chuckles softly]


Look at that.

They look like the number .


[exhaling] Thank God,

it was just a nightmare.

[whooping] I'm here. And I'm thin!
And the nightmare continues.
[theme song playing]

[Reba]
Ha, hey!


♪
My roots are planted in the past ♪


♪
Though my life is changing fast ♪


♪
Who I am is who I want to be ♪


♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪


♪
Who loves her kids and never stops ♪


♪
With gentle hands ♪


♪
And the heart of a fighter ♪


♪
I'm a survivor ♪

Hey, Mom, you making some pancakes?
No. I'm making everyone a power smoothie.

And this afternoon

I'm taking a power walk.


Power walk? Well,

don't forget your power cane.

Van, that is not nice.

If Mom does aerobics

she could shatter her hip.


And yet, in the blink of an eye,

I can make you both homeless. [scoffs]

Hey, everybody, I'm here and I'm…
Oh, shut up and have a donut!

Oh, Reba,

you're not still trying to lose weight


by drinking

those power smoothies, are you?


Jordan, my trainer, says that

those are loaded with hidden carbs.


Barbra Jean, I am all

for adopting a healthy new lifestyle,


but seriously, I mean,

there has to be some sort of…

Will you stop staring at her?
What?

You've been staring

at her for, like, the past two hours.


-Well, she's pretty.

-I'm pretty.


Of course you are.

You've always been pretty.


-But she's new pretty.

-[Reba laughing]


Oh, Van, that is such a funny story

you can tell to your next wife.


So, Van, you really think

that I'm new pretty?


Well, yeah.

You're like a bleached out Halle Berry.

Oh.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

I'm gonna go make some calls.

-So, Barbra Jean…

-Yeah.


…is it true that, uh,

when you lose a bunch of weight,

you, uh, wanna do, you know…

-[in sing-song voice] bow chicka bow wow.

-Van!


Oh, Cheyenne, don't be upset.

You're still hot.

You're like a bleached out Jan Brady.
Jan? Jan Brady?
I'm Marcia. Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!
So, Reba, I got an idea.

You should come down

to the gym and meet Jordan, my trainer.

Seriously, he will change your life.

I mean, he is so much more

than a personal trainer.


He taught me

how to work out and eat right.


We go over the clothes I'm gonna wear,

the movies I'm gonna see.

Whoa. The movies you're gonna see?

What's that got to do

with you getting in shape?


Oh, nothing.

We just have the same sense of humor.

That Tim Allen just kills us.

I mean, whether he's playing a dog

or Santa Claus, you just buy it.


-So, you'll come meet Jordan?

-No.

Oh, come on, Reba.

I want my best girlfriend

to meet my best boyfriend.

Boyfriend?
Oh. Oops, that came out wrong.
Oh. Well, thanks, anyway,

but I'm just gonna be here

with my smoothie.

Delicious. Just like fruit gravy.
[laughs]

-Oh, hey, Barbra Jean. Here you are.

-Hey, honey.

Listen, how would you like to go out

and grab a quick lunch,

just the two of us?

Honey, I can't. I'm going to the gym.
Can't you skip it, just this once?

Come on. I'll take you to that

romantic French place you like so much.


-Really?

-Hmm.

Skip the gym and eat French food?
No can fondue, Brock.
Man, she blew me off again.

All she wants to do is go down to the gym

and spend time with Jordan.


-Her trainer.

-Exactly.

[sighs]

Frankly, I like the new butt,

but the new attitude, not so much.


Oh, that's really funny

coming from the old butt.


"Jordan's so great.

Jordan's so toned and funny."


Well, I got news for you,

nobody's toned and funny.

Brock, you're overreacting.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.


Yeah, I think she might be

having an affair with this guy.

Barbra Jean with her trainer?

I mean, sure, he's probably

a better man than you are,

better looking and younger, but…
But?
That's it.
Reba, I need you to help me out.

I want you to go to the gym

and see if there's anything going on.


-You know, spy on them for me.

-No way!


You know, Barbra Jean may have

a long list of faults,

and I have that list if you need a copy,
but she is nothing if not faithful.
Yeah, right. Up until now.

But now that she's thin and hot,

she has all kinds of options.


Look, Brock,

if it's worrying you that much,

be honest with her.
Tell her how you feel.

Tell her that you just need a hug

every now and then.


-Oh now, there's a great idea.

-See.


Why, since my competition

is a macho muscular dude,


I should go the other way

and appear all weak and whiny.

Your solutions are ridiculous, Reba!
He wants me to spy on them. Stupid.

Hard to believe

this is supposed to be good for you.


Hey, Mrs. H, you off for your power walk?

Man, I love old people.


Power walking, moving along,

swinging their arms.

Like there's a big sale for false teeth.
No, I'm not going for my power walk.

This whole physical thing

is getting everybody acting wacko.

What do you mean?

Well, your dad thinks that the guy

who gave Barbra Jean her new body

is wanting to take her for a spin.
He probably does.
What are you talking about?
Guys are pigs. They're dogs.

They're all animals that just care about

hot women or hot dogs.


My point is that when you got a hot lady,

you gotta keep your guard up at all times.

I used to.
You used to?
Oh, baby, don't take it like that.

It's just that I've grown into a mature,

stable individual, that's all.

Well, I don't like it!
[indistinct conversation]
What the hell.
Where have you been?
I went to get something to eat.

So, Van, you think that

Brock might be right about this trainer?

Sure, he could be hot for Barbra Jean,

but since Barbra Jean

isn't looking to play, there's no problem.


And it's obvious

Barbra Jean isn't looking.

Why is this obvious?
Two reasons.
Barbra Jean isn't good at keeping secrets,
and she thinks of you as her best friend.
If she were fooling around,

she'd be constantly

talking about him to you.


Heck, she'd probably even

want you to meet him.

Meet him?
[groans]
Where you going?

[sighing] Going down to the gym

with the rest of the wackos.

All right. And keep those arms a-swinging.

-[Reba] Hey.

-Hey, Reba, you came.


Yeah. Man, there's a lot

of beautiful people around here.


You should see them naked

in the shower. Hmph!

Jordan. Hey.

-Ready to start, Barbra Jean?

-Yeah.


-You look great in that outfit.

-[mouthing] Wow.


Well, the other one

was getting kind of baggy.


Can you believe her?

She did the impossible.


She lost all that weight

and kept these fellas.


Okay, Jordan.

Jordan, this is my friend, Reba.


-Hey, I'm Jordan.

-[chuckles]

I'm Reba.
So, you gonna join us, Reba?

I don't know. I just think that me

and my fellas will just watch for a while.


Well, Reba, you are not gonna

get into shape by just watching.

You need to sweat a little.
Yeah, but you guys gotta understand,

it's been a while

since I've been in a gym like this,

and I don't think… Hello!
[B.J. mumbling] Oh, my God.

Barbra Jean,

you really are getting limber.


Remember when you couldn't

put your leg over my head?

Remember when I didn't want to?
Is that… Is that legal? I mean, necessary?

It's critical to stretch your muscles out

before you exercise them,

otherwise you could really hurt something.
Turn over.

Reba, you need to watch this one.

This one is my favorite.


Now this gives a good stretch

to the back and chest muscles.

You really should do this once a day.
Oh, I'd do it all day if I could.

You know, is this one of these gyms

that has the heat on real high,

'cause I'm sweating.

-Okay. [grunts]

-Oh, wow.

Time for some weightlifting.

[Reba] Oh, good.

That's enough of that stretching.

Hello!
[Jordan] Okay, knock this out.

Yeah. Okay, all right,

you know, I think I've seen enough.


What do you think? You have any interest

in getting a personal trainer?

[chuckling]
Only if he takes me out to dinner first.
Are you sure, Reba?

Seriously. This is one of

the best relationships I've ever had.

Oh…

I think Jordan

has his hands full with you.


Oh, you're a beginner, Reba.

You'll start with Dot.


-Dot.

-Yeah?

This is Reba. She seems a little tense.

I'd spend some extra time

on the stretching.

All right. Get down there.

-So, did you see them?

-[gasps]


What's he like? Is he little?

Could I take him?

He's big, but he's not as big as Dot.

So what do you think?

Is there something going on there?

Look, Brock,

I was hoping that I could go down

to the gym and check things out


and come back and tell you

that there's nothing to worry about.

But?

-That's it.

-Reba! Come on!


Okay. I don't know

if they're having an affair or not,


but if they keep working out

like that, they might be having a baby.

Man, I knew there was something going on.

Hey, everybody,

I'm here and I'm thin. [exclaims]

Oh, hi, honey.
Don't you "Hi, honey" me.

-What are you talking about?

-[scoffs]

Did you honestly think

that I wouldn't find out

about you and Jordan?


What? We were working out.

It was perfectly innocent.

Reba, tell him what you saw.

-I don't wanna get involved…

-She said you're having an affair.

…any more than I already am.

Okay, Jordan and I

are not having an affair.


-He's g*y.

-What?

Reba, do you honestly think

I would let a straight man

grab my breasts?

Excuse me!
He grabbed your breasts?

He's g*y. He wasn't touching them.

He was arranging them.


Okay, then. Everything's fine.

Carry on with your lives.

No, Reba, everything is not fine.

I had no idea you were so threatened

by the new me.


The slim waist.

The toned legs. The fellas.

The fellas?
The girls.
Oh, the puppies.
I am not threatened by you.

-Really?

-Yeah.


Then why'd you go down to the gym?

Were you spying on me?

No.
Okay, yes.

[sighs] I went to the gym suspecting

something between you and Jordan.

[scoffs] Why would you think that?

-Because you've changed!

-I have not.

Yes, you have!

Ever since you lost all that weight

you're pushy and obnoxious


and you always want to be

the center of attention!

Hello? I've always been that way!
She's kind of got a point there.

Yeah, well,

something's changed, Barbra Jean.

Yeah, the way you guys look at me.

I'm still the same Barbra Jean

I always was.

I'm just less winded.
You know, she might be right. Could be us.

I'm sorry, honey,

Reba just got me all worked up. That's…

[groans]
Look, Barbra Jean, the truth is,
I think I went down to the gym

almost hoping that I'd find you

doing something wrong.

You know, anything,

so I could feel superior to you

and your skinny butt.

So, I'm sorry.

-Sorry?

-Yeah.

This is great.

For the first time since we've known

each other you wanna be me.

I don't want to be you.
I know.
It's even better. You wanna look like me.
[chattering on TV]

-Hey, where you going?

-I'm just gonna go grab something to eat.

I'll see you next year.

-Hey, what are we watching?

-Suite Life of…

No, we're not.

-Wanna rock, paper, scissors for it?

-Fine, let's go.


-You're gonna pick scissors, aren't you?

-Get out.


-Hey, honey.

-Hey, baby.


-I need to talk to you.

-Honey, I just got the TV.


I started thinking that maybe

you don't think of me as new pretty


because I don't do enough

to keep your interest.

No, honey, you're way hot.
Guilty. [chuckling]

But anyway, I thought

that maybe I should, you know,


change my look every now and then,

just to keep things fresh. So…

I bought a wig. [exclaims]
Cheyenne, put that down. Listen to me.

I think it's a good thing

that when I look at you,


I don't see the beautiful girl

with the k*ller bod.

I see my wife and I'm attracted to her

whether she's all dressed up

ready to go out,


or just sitting on the couch

wearing those washed-up flannel pajamas.


-Really?

-Yeah.


You're beautiful to me

because of who you are.

Oh.
I feel kind of stupid.
That's also who you are, and I love it.
Come on, you.

-Where we going?

-Ooh. We are going upstairs.

[chuckles] Wait. Hold on.

Wait, I thought

you didn't want me to wear that?