01x02 - Eric Visits

[bunniefuu]

Guess what? I did it.
I did the deed.

Yes, ex...
yes, with a girl.

Why would I be lying to you?

No, honestly.
It was awesome.

It sure seemed
like it took
a long time.

I don't know, about, maybe,


Yeah. Oh, yeah.
It was... it was wicked.

So, anyway, so, here it is.

I have a girlfriend.

Lies, lies, lies.

Ok, well, um,
get him to call me,

'cause I would also
like to tell him
about this.

All right.
See you. Bye.

What are you
looking at me
like that for?

You don't have
a girlfriend, steven.
You slept with a girl.

Big difference.

Yeah, but
it's different,
'cause, like,

we kind of share
a bond, you know?
It was awesome,

'cause we both
lost our virginity
together.

You lost your
virginity, steven.

She didn't lose a damn thing.

And if you don't
get with her again soon,

it'll be like
it never happened.

Have you made a move?

Oh, um, in that case,
I'm all set. Trust me.
I made a move.

In a big way.

Look.
He left this for me.

Oh, that's really cute!

Steven's adorable.
What's the big deal?

Rachel, I have a boyfriend!

Yeah, like
a hundred miles away.

Lizzie, that is
why we're here,
to experience life.

To cheat?

You said you had
an open relationship
during college.

No, come on.
Do not become
one of those roommates

that's always crying
about her boyfriend.

I... I cannot
live with that.

A teddy bear?
That's not
a move, steven.

It's time to be an adult.

Right.

If you don't do it again now,

it's gonna be
like it never happened.

I have to do it,
like, right away?

I'd do it today.
I'd do it now,
if I were you.

Well, I can't do it now.

I've got principles
of macroeconomics.

Well, do it after that, then.

Ok. Right after
class. I'll...

That's good.
I'll do it.

Dude, I'm so excited for class.

Man, I, like, didn't
even, like, sleep
last night, you know.

I hear, like,
the teachers in college
are, like, so cool,

and, like, teachers
in high school suck,
right?

And that's why I didn't,
like, learn anything,
you know?

Man, I'm so psyched.
Aren't you?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Dude, we're here to learn.

That's why where here,
you know?

And I love learning!
I' m a sponge!

From the outset,
kennedy was obsessed

with his anti-communism
policies.

But he made
a critical mistake
with the bay of pigs.

♪ Livin' off the clock ♪

♪ hey, you ♪

♪ somethin's wrong with daddy ♪

♪ what's the matter
with him? ♪

♪ he stands up,
puts the newspaper down ♪

♪ foot up, forehead,
face in a frown ♪

♪ goin' upstairs
to hit the sack ♪

♪ yeah, daddy gets grumpy ♪

♪ got to take a nap ♪

♪ yeah, daddy, take a nap,
take a nap, take a nap ♪

♪ daddy, take a nap ♪

♪ whoa, whoa, daddy ♪

♪ daddy got to go
and take a nap ♪

♪ take a nap ♪

♪ all right, it's nap time ♪

♪ oh, takin' a snooze ♪

Marshall nesbitt.

♪ Whoo, hoo ♪

Hey...
What is wrong
with you people?

Do you think you're gonna
be able to succeed

in this world
without knowledge
of history?

Those who forget
the past are doomed
to repeat it.

So, I'll repeat
the bay of pigs?

All right, fun time
is over for today.

Mr. Nesbitt...

I'd like a word with you.

So... so they can
actually turn
a shampoo bottle

into a bong?

Yeah, you can make
a bong out of anything.

A shampoo bottle, an apple...

An apple?

You're so smart.

Listen, maybe, um,
if you have time,

we can go into
my room and work on
the time capsule or...

yeah.

Hey, lucien.

Yeah, hey, guys.
I wanted you guys
to meet hillary.

Um, she's
the head r.A.

Hey, hillary, this is...

lloyd. Right?

Yeah.

Yeah, hi. I've heard
a lot about you.

Really?

Hi there.
I'm ron.

Hey, lloyd, um...

I was thinking that
maybe this transition

is kind of difficult
for you. You know?

You've come from
such a faraway place.

So, if you ever need
anything, I'm in room


'Cause we like it on top.

It's just a motto
that I came up with,

and we're making
sweatshirts. It's gonna
be really cool

when they come back
from the printers, so...

Anyway, um, you know...
Listen, if you ever
want to talk

or do whatever...
Just come by.

My door is always open.

I might do that. Thanks.

Sure. Ron.

Yeah, uh, nice...
To see you.

Man, I don't believe it.
The head r.A.
Wants to nail you.

I know.

Look, don't do it, ok?

If she turns on you,
she can use her powers
to destroy us both.

She was super cute.

She's nuts.
She's nuts.

I like that.

Hey, idiot,
don't dip your pen
in the... ow!

Hey, tough guys!

No fighting in the hall,

or I'll write you guys up.

I'm just kidding.

So, this is your room.

Oh, hey, steven.

Hey.

Uh.

Um...

I gotta say that

the other night in my room was,

uh, it was pretty fun.

Hello, lizzie.

I love you.

Hey, cool. Who's that,
your brother, or...

no.

That's my boyfriend.

Oh, uh...

Well, I...

I...

Ok, you have a boyfriend.

Yeah, that's him.
Eric.

That's...

I'm sorry. I...

Eric and I have been going out

since I was in tenth grade,

but now that I'm in college,

you know, we agreed to explore.

Yeah.
So...

Yeah, well, wow.
Well, you see...

that's so healthy.
Really, you know,

'cause you don't want
to tie yourself down.

But I love him...

Right.

And if he and I
are truly in love,

then fooling around with you

or anyone else won't matter.

When I'm lecturing,
I expect you to listen.

This is not a high school.

You're paying good money
for an education.

Well, yeah.
That's the whole point.

I am paying good money,
and I think

you should try to be
a little less boring.

Excuse me?

What? No.

No, no. Please tell me.
You think I'm boring?

No, I don't think
you're boring. I just...

You just seem bored,
you know, like you're bored.

You're right.
I am bored.

Well...

Why are you...
why are you so bored?

I don't know, I... I...

I just don't like
the kids anymore.

Really?

Kids used to care about
history and politics.

Maybe I should quit.

No, no, no, no.
Don't quit.

No, just don't
be so boring.

Well, how?

I don't know.

You could put on
some kind of a show.

Yeah,
the apartment looks good.

I know. It's great.

I'm so glad your mom
is divorcing me.

Uh, dad, uh...

You know, it took me 2 hours

to decorate this place.

I went to that,
uh, swedish place

and, uh,
"beyond the bathroom."

It took your mother
a year to do the house.

I mean, what was
she doing all that time?

Um, do you want to get back

to what I was
talking about
for a second?

Just don't do it, steven, ok?

Look, she said
that now that she's
away at college,

they've both agreed to explore,

and, like, that...
that includes me.

Then let her
date magellan...
Vasco da gama.

But I like this girl.

Steven, women are crazy.

You don't want
to enter into a situation

that makes them even crazier.

Now, pardon me,
but look at your mother.

She seemed completely
sane at the beginning.

Now, this chick you like,
I mean, she's...

she's already starting
at halfway nuts.

Thanks, dad.

Where you goin'?

Where are you...

ok, ignore the voice
of experience.

All women are crazy.

That's why I don't
have any friends
that are girls,

because they're crazy.

Don't say that,
'cause some girls
are really great.

You are gonna be in hell.

M-maybe you like hell,
right?

Oh, a-actually,
guys, be quiet,

'cause she's actually...
here she comes.

I've lived with her
for one day,

and I can already
tell she's crazy.

Have you seen her screen saver?

It's a picture of
her boyfriend's head.

And one day,
it's gonna be a picture
of steven's head.

I... I think it
could be my head.

Yeah.

But she cheated
on her boyfriend
the first day.

Can you imagine
what she'd
do to you?

Ok. She's actually
coming right now, so...

Hey, guys.
Oh, hi.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey.
Heh heh.

Oh, you know,
they're showing, uh,

american pie
on campus tonight.

Did you, you know, want to go?

Oh, yeah.

I never actually saw it.
Yeah, sure.

I mean, I guess.

All right.

I'll see you guys
back at the dorm.

Ok.

Bye.
See ya.

Oh, my god.

This is so great.

She so likes you.

I actually
have seen american pie.

It's like my favorite movie

yeah, man. See?

See, love works out
in the end. Ha ha ha.

Hey, I know what
you kids are sayin'.

"Am I in the right classroom?

"Who's that new prof
in the fancy duds?

Is it ricky martin?"

No, it's just me.
But you kids
are in luck today

because today, old doc duggan

is gonna make history...

Come alive.

[Impersonating
john f. Kennedy]
Uh, I am, uh,

john f. Kennedy,
the president,

and I don't like
communism very much.

Isn't that right, bobby?

[Impersonating
robert kennedy]
Oh, that is right, john.

It's a good idea
to k*ll castro.

Try to k*ll me, eh?

Well, two can play
at this game.

Operator, get me,
uh, moscow, russia.

Mr. Nikita khrushchev.

[Impersonating
khrushchev]
Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

We gave the election
to his brother,

and now he comes after us?

I'm so mad, I could
k*ll the president.

Oh! The president's
been shot!

Who was it? I guess
we'll have to ask
lee harvey oswald.

Oh, there's my friend
jack ruby. Hi, jack.

Oof!

Ah! Ooh, gaah!

I'm just a patsy...

And the story ends...
Or does it?

All women are fair game
until they're married...

Most of them even after that.

We have to do it tonight.
Tonight's the night, ok?

Right.
I'm kinda nervous.

Well, don't be nervous,
you know? Don't give
your power away.

There's nothing
women like less than
a scared little boy.

Right. Um, so, like,
do you ever get scared?

No, steven.
I don't ever get scared.

Do you know why I don't
ever get scared?
W-why?

Because women don't like it.

Now, go make me proud.

Yeah, ok. I will.

Don't you want to sit
a little closer?

Uh...

Well, I mean, personally
I like the back

just, you know,
'cause it's a bit, like,
more private, you know?

Oh. Ok.

Yeah.

I can't believe

they're showing
american pie for free.

Oh, I know.
I mean, college
is so awesome.

And the movie's
rated "r."

Hey, I hear
tara reid is single.

Think I've got a chance?

Heh heh heh heh.

Not my type.

Hey, lloyd.

Hey.

You're a drama student, right?

I was wondering
if you could help me
with something.

Yeah, I'd love to.

The r.A.S,
we have this retreat

where we do
all this role-playing,

you know, to help us
get ready for kids
and their problems,

and I thought
you were such a, uh,
brilliant thespian

that you wouldn't mind
helping me with it.

Ok.
Great.

We can't.

Yeah, we...
we gotta go.

Remember?
We... we can't.

No, ron.
I would like to help.

I enjoy helping others.

Hey. Uh...

I just, uh, wanted to say

that, um,
that thing, uh,
the other night

was, uh, kind of, uh...

I'm sorry.

Hold that thought.

Whassup?

Whassup!

Hey, baby doll.

Hey.

Guess who
just bench-pressed


Was it you?

Aw, you're damn right
it was me.

My ex-stepdad taped it.

He had the tripod
sent up perfect.
It was awesome.

Can I call you later?

Well, I thought
we were gonna have
a little phone sex.

Uh, now's not really
a good time.

Well, it's a good time
for me, I'll tell you
that right now.

I'm feeling
pretty ready, frankly.

Yeah. That's a big surprise.

Oh. Oh, here we go.

I will play
the inexperienced r.A.

And you're gonna play jennie.

Jennie.

Yeah, she's a young girl

who's been hitting
the bong too hard,

and she's just
about to get kicked
out of school.

You know, we could
do something else instead.

You know, jennie,
why don't we solve
your problems, ok?

Let's get serious.
This is your life.

Ok, um...

Ok, whenever
you're ready, start.

Uh, hi. I'm jennie.

Mm-hmm.
Um...

I've been hitting
the bong too hard,

and I'm about to get
kicked out of school.

Wow, that's probably
really scary, huh?

It's a little bit scary.

I'm wearing
my sexy underwear.

And I'm holding
that picture of you
wearing that hat.

Oh, eric, please.

Now's just not a good time.

Well, what...
what is a good time?

You know what? What?
When you graduate
college?

Is that a good time?

How about I wait until then?

How about I wait until
you graduate college,

till I'm blue all over my body?

Will that make you happy?

You wanna have
a blue boyfriend?

Eric, can you not
be like this right now?

Not... not be like what?

That guy over there
brought a pie with
a hole in it.

You know, for like,
american pie
kind of thing.

What?
Yeah, you know what?

If I get into
some cool college,

I wouldn't want
to call me, either.

It's not that I don't
want to talk to you.

I'm just telling you
it's not a good time.

Well, it's not
a good time for me,

because sabrina
the teenage witch
is on,

and I guess she'll have to do!

I'm sorry.

Oh, hey...

Hey...

Do you know
that one of the guys
in this movie

was in election?

Is there a bathroom
around here?

Uh, I think
there's one in, uh,
science center "c."

Ok.

I'm sorry, hellbug.

I just miss you so much.

Hello?

Oh, god. Lucien.

My... my roommate's been
asleep for 2 days now.

What?
That... that's bad,
right?

My... my god, man.
W-where is he?
Where is he?

He's this way.
Come on. He's this way.



This is eric.
This is her boyfriend.

This is
also her boyfriend.

This is a predicament
of sorts, isn't it?

Don't joke around with me, man.

Put lizzie on the phone.
I'm not in the mood.

Well, I can't
right now, because
she's getting ready

to marry me on my big boat.

Listen, what are you
talking about, man?

Put lizzie on the phone!
Don't joke around with me.

I need to talk to her.

Yes, hello. This is
lizzie speaking.

I just got married, uh,
and I'm much happier.

What? Who is this?

Shut up, man.
You are not lizzie.

Ah, is this...
is this, ah, eric?

Eric, look, I'm sorry.

Put lizzie on the phone.
I'm sick of it, man.
I've had enough.

I just need closure, man.

Why can't you give me closure?

I think that now that
I've come to college,

I can possibly
see other people.

Is this insane?
I don't think so.

What are you doing?

You better
shut up, man,

or I'm gonna van damme
your head off.

Eric?

Who the hell was that jackass?

Nobody. Just some idiot
from my floor.

God.

Can we have phone sex now?

Ok, who's ready
for some american pie?!

Now, I want you
to just look
directly in my eyes,

and I want you to see
your own beautiful self
in my eyes,

ok?
Ok.

What do you see?

Jennie?

And what's jennie?

Um...

Beautiful?
Beautiful.

Jennie's beautiful.
She is.

Jennie's beautiful.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You know what, hillary?

I... we can't do this.

Why?
Um...

Because I have herpes.

So what? I do, too.
Everybody does.

Yeah, I know,
but, um, you know what?

I... I just...
you're an r.A.
I'm a student.

I... what if someone
was to see? I don't...

I'll... I'll go fast
like a man.
Just give it.

No, wait...
just give it to me.

No, wait!
Won't even know
I'm there.

Oh, god!

Hillary.

Oh, my god.
He's awake.

Hey. Hey, lucien.
Hey.

Oh, you guys, man.

I gotta keep
my eyes on you guys.

Tryin' to burn me.
Sleepin' for 2 days.

Hey, lucien.

Um...

I was just, uh,
I was looking'
for you.

We should...
we should,
uh, get workin'

on the time capsule.

No, great, great, no.
'Cause I just got my hands

on a really cool
britney spears poster

and some pokémon to put in it.

Ok, great, great.

It'll really define
our generation and stuff.

If I find
one more of these
in your room,

your a*s'll be in a sling.



That's great, lloyd.
She took my apple.

And now we're on her radar.

Why... why...
why did you do this?

I guess I'm just
a very mixed-up
little girl, ron.

Um, I'm sorry...

About acting
all weird and stuff.

Look, it's just that

I was kind of...

And this is not
an excuse, but...

I was...Kinda surprised

by the whole
boyfriend thing,
you know?

Um...

And it made me kinda crazy.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no. No,
don't be sorry. No.

Um...

Look, I...

I... I... I had a lot
of fun with you,
you know?

And I guess I just
didn't want it to end.

I... I really
like you a lot.

And, um...

I think
that I consider myself
lucky to be your friend.

You know? So...

It'll be good.

♪ Tuesday's gone ♪

♪ with the wind ♪

♪ oh, my baby's gone ♪

♪ with the wind ♪

♪ again ♪

what the hell?

Captioned by the national
captioning institute
... Www.Ncicap.Org...

I was at work today,

and I thought
of the coolest idea.

I'm gonna start
my own internet.

It's awesome.
I'll tell you why.

Because first of all,
the regular internet

is too crowded, and second,

my internet will be for people

who might not have computers.

And we'll mail you
your e-mail through
your regular mail.

Eric, I don't think
it works that way.

Oh, you know so much
about the internet?

I'm sorry. You know,
you're right.

Don't listen to me.

No, you know what?
You probably are right.

Because you're so smart.

I'm so stupid
I probably can't even

keep a phone from hanging up!