01x14 - The Perfect Date

[bunniefuu]

Congratulations.

What are you doing here?

You little hound dog.

What are you doing here?

Did you sleep in here?
Did you see something?

I found other accommodations.

Did you guys...

Hey.

Hey, lloyd.

Good morning.

Hey.
Hey, stevie.

Morning.
Morning.

I should, uh...
I got an early class.

Cool.

I should probably go to it.

Go learn.
Ok.

Uh, uh...

Will milady be needing
an escort to class?

That's so sweet.

That would be great, baby.

I'll see you then, baby.

Bye.

Did you see that?

I just got to call her "baby"

to her face this time.

Hmm.

Are you hungry
for breakfast yet?

Oh. Yeah, I'm hungry,

but not for breakfast, though.

h* h*! Wow.

So, uh, you want
seconds, though?

There's plenty of ron left.

Yeah, I got...
yeah?

Want do you want?
I got ron links...

Yeah. That sounds good.
Those are good.

There's ronffles, which
is like a waffle, kind of.

Kind of.

I'm right here!
I exist.

Please stop talking like that.

Hey, marshall,
why don't you just

go back to pretending
like you're asleep

like you did last night?

Yeah, did you enjoy the show?

Do you have
any questions or comments
or anything like that?

Oh, I know.
Why don't I go

to marshall's bed
for some sloppy seconds?

I gotta go, ronnie.

Bye.

I'll see you soon.

Mmm.

Oh...

See ya.

There's a stain
above where I sleep,

and I can't tell whether
it came down from above

or flew up from down here.

Oh, man.
Isn't life just great?

I've seen things
no man should see.

Well, it was better
than the first time.

Oh, he is totally
making progress.

Well, maybe you guys
should get a book on it.

Yeah, um, are you sure
this isn't just
a rebound thing?

It's not a rebound thing.

Yeah, because after
a rough breakup,

I always end up dating
a really nice guy,

and then I really hurt him.

I'm not gonna hurt him.

That's what I always say,
and then I always do.

Don't hurt steven.
He's just a little boy.

Well, I don't want to hurt him.

Well, then don't.

I mean, why are you
always in such a rush
to have a boyfriend?

I am not in a rush.

I'm just used to having one.

That's lame!

You should just be independent.

Just have fun.

We're going to
this new bar tonight.

You should totally come.

I was kind of gonna hang
out with steven tonight.

Man, this is so awesome.

The sheets are
all messed up like
in basic instinct.

It's gratifying to see
you so happy, steve.

Hey, thanks.

You're gonna be miserable soon.

Why?

That...
that's not nice.

I know, man.
It's not my fault.

But if you keep on
acting like a little
b*tch around her,

she's gonna have
the power position for
the whole relationship.

Before you know it,
you're gonna be

following her
around banana republic
carrying her purse.

Like, you mean,
like one of those guys

that sit there and
tell her what's cute?

Yeah, well,
keep laughing, steve,

but you know, she had
the power position

in her last relationship
and look what happened.

Well...

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know how to be
in the power position
or whatever it's called.

I have never even had
a girlfriend.

That's not true.
Don't ever say that to her.

What about carmen?

Oh, electra?

That's not a girlfriend.
It's a poster.

No. Carmen...

Carmen.

Carmen smithly...
your first girlfriend.

The one that moved to maryland

to take care of
her sick brother.

What?

Carmen smithly?

Yeah! Carmen smithly.

You were always
in control with carmen.

So the thing about carmen
was that, you know,

she just didn't know
what she wanted in life.

And so, as a result
of that, she became
obsessed with me.

And then there was
that whole thing
with her brother.

I just can't believe
you never told me
about her before.

I didn't?
Mm-mmm.

That's strange.
I thought I did.

No.

What?

Uh, I think...
yeah, so I'll

probably see you
later, ok, then?

But we're only halfway
to my class.

That's a pretty girl.

Oh, yeah, I know.
I know, I know.

Uh, but you know,
I'm really hungry

and, you know,
I'm gonna go eat.

Well, meet me after class?

I mean...
If I'm around.

Oh. Ok.

Bye.

How can I be
the only one of us
not getting any girls?

Huh, what is that, all right?

Lloyd, ok.
He's a beautiful man.

I understand that.
But like, I mean, you?

What is that?

I'm better looking
than you, ron.

What?

Ok, yeah, ok.

Why don't you sleep
for, like, a year

and shave that dirt
off your face?

Then I'll take a look at you.

Dude, come on, man.
That's not cool.

Do you know...

hey, you know,

you should be more
proactive, anyway.

If I were you,
I'd be using lloyd.

I'd get his, uh, his overflow.

His overflow?

Yeah, you know?
You know,

like when we go out
and we, like,

we hit on a hot chick

and then she turns us down

and then we try to,
like, grab her, like,

uglier friends, you know?

Well, we're, like,
his uglier friends

and he's, like, the hot chick.

They'll settle for us.

Dude, I...

I'm ok with being settled for.

Yeah! He could be
your ally.

You gotta get him
to let you use
his airspace.

Yeah. Ok. That's
a good idea, all right?

But don't crotch block me
this time, ok?

What? I would... I...

I wouldn't do that.

What? Man, I was talking
with a girl one time

and you came up
and you said,
"hey, marshall,

you got boogers hanging
out of your nose."
What is that?

Oh. Ok. First off,
you did, booger man, ok?

I wasn't crotch blocking you,

I was helping your a*s.

If that's you helping me,
I don't want your help, ok?

Steven?

Oh, hey.

You didn't have
to meet me after class.

Oh, no.
I'm not meeting you.

I have a class to get to.

It's kind of close to here.

Oh.

Yeah.
It's so important.

Uh, french.

Ok.

I have to go now.

Maintenant.

I really can't be late.

He's so whipped.

Man, I wish I was whipped,

you know?

This stuff darkens your stool.

Hey, guys.

Well, I'm not great at math,

but I hope I helped.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

What?

You know, sure, I missed
my class, but why not?

I think it was
kind of worth it.

What are you doing?
I mean, look at you.

You're completely pathetic.

You're 2 steps away
from ironing her blouses.

Come out with us tonight.

Why?

Because your relationship
is in tatters

and this far from being over.

Ah! But we
just had sex.

You're blowing it, man!
Trust me, I know.

And you are blowing it!

But she was naked,
naked in my bed.

And she's gonna be naked
with someone else very soon

because a relationship
can't succeed with 2 women!

It needs a man!

All right, you're right.

I do kind of kiss her a*s.

Hey, stevie.

Howdy, lizzie. Rachel.

So what are we doing tonight?

Uh, I think that,
like, um, well,

we just got really
psyched about partying,

and I think lloyd
knows this party

that I think me and the dudes

were gonna head over to.

That sound like fun.
What time?

Oh, um, actually,

I think it's kind of like a...

a guys' night out,
you know, thing kind of.

Oh.

Ok, cool.

Um, make sure marshall
doesn't puke too much.

Heh heh. All I can do
is try, you know.

Have fun.

Oh, thanks. You, too.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

Well, maybe carmen would
put up with that crap,

but not me.

So does this mean
you're coming with us?

Yeah.

And I'm gonna wear
my water bra.

Lloyd, you know...
you know how girls like you?

Yeah.

Um, I was wondering if you
get a lot of them tonight

if it's cool if I take
your overflow?

Marshall,

I bequeath you my overflow.

Yes! Whoo!

Let's do this!

Hold the lift!

Hey...

Hi.

Hi.

So, hey,
w-where are you...

where are you guys
off to tonight?

A bar.

Oh.

It's ladies' night.

So have fun at your party.

Oh, uh, you know,

I'm sure it'll be pretty lame.

If it doesn't kick a*s,
which I mean,

it obviously will, you know.

Hey, man!

I think she's coming!

Ok. All right.
So how do we do this?

Do we, like, start, uh,
picking girls right away

or do we, like,
look at all of 'em

and then pick 'em
or... how do you...

hey.

Hi.
Hey.

I'm susan.

I'm tara.

Hey.

You want
to see where
the drinks are?

Yeah.
That would be nice.

Hi, I'm marshall.

The punch is awesome.

That's marshall.

Come on. They're
right over here.

Hey, I'd love
some punch, too, right?

Show me the punch.

Man, this is so awesome...

Hangin' with the dudes,

hitting on chicks and stuff.

Yeah, all right.
Dudes and chicks, man.

That... that's the thing...

Ronnie?

Kelly! Ha ha!
You made it!

I'm so happy you're here.

I thought this was gonna suck.

Oh, well,
I know you can't
have fun without me.

It's true.

I'm kind of starving.

Oh, you're still hungry, huh?

Shut up.

Hey...

I thought this was
guys' night out

and forget about the girls
and all that stuff.

Oh, yeah, that's
lloyd's thing, man.

She's so much hotter
than me, I'm, like,

hanging on
for dear life over here.

Hey!
I'll help you, honey.

Ok, just do it!

But don't bite me.

That was so great!

I don't know.
It feels weird.

I've got his spit
all over my stomach.

Maybe we should just go home.

No. I'm never
going home.

That's why it's so great

that we don't have boyfriends,

because we don't
have to go home.

This is so fun.

Where's tina?

She just went to the bathroom.

Sweet lord, girl, you are sexy.

Do you think so?

Girl, is god good?

You got back, too.

That's a badonkadonk.
I like that.

I mean, I like the front
of your badonkadonk, too.

So don't think
it's just the back.

I'm right to be mad
at steven, aren't I?

I mean, shouldn't
I be a little mad?

Yes! Damn right
you should be mad.

Now we're gonna take that rage

and use it to rage.
Are you with me?

I guess so.

Come on, guys!

I got an innie ready to go.

Yeah! Whoo!

You don't actually
have to be good

at basketball where
I'm from, but...

Put me on the cricket field

and I'll show you
who's the batsman.

Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, I played cricket once.

Boy, is that game crazy.

You know, I haven't been
in this country very long,

but marshall has gotta be
the coolest guy in america.

Come on, lloyd.
You're making me blush.

Stop it, man.

Come on.
Let's switch.

Ok. All right.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Comfortable couch.
Look out.

Heh heh.

Thanks for keeping it warm.
Heh heh. Warm. Heh heh.

I'm a hot potato.

No, she's definitely cute, man.

Oh, thanks.
Thank you.

I think she's looking at me.

She's either looking
at you or that guy.

No.

No, it's you. Yeah.

I think I have a girlfriend.

I have no idea.

No, you guys haven't
made it official yet.

You're totally cool.

Yeah. It's like me
and kelly, right?

Like, we know
that it's official.

No, we don't.

I mean, I don't
know what to do.

This never happened
to me before.

You should just
talk to her. Ooh.

She's coming over.

No, wait. Don't, uh...

Don't...

Hey.
Hey.

How's it going?
Good.

I'm jane.
I'm steven.

Nice to meet you.
Are you having fun?

Oh, god, um, yes.

Did you... did you
try the punch?

It's clear.

Really?
How can it be clear?

I don't know. I mean,
it doesn't come like
that in a juice box.

Do you want to do
something crazy

like get a soda?

Oh, yes.
I would love to.

Come on.
Ok. Cool.

What are you doing, man?

Dude, there's no overflow.
There's just flow.

And it's all going
straight back to lloyd.

Marshall, what can I do, ok?

I tried. I can't
put their tongues
into your mouth.

At least try, ok?
Come on.

Excuse me, um, hi.

Hi.

I'm g*y,
but my straight
friend marshall

thinks you're beautiful

and would like to talk to you.

Ok.

Hi, I'm marshall.

Hi. Taj.

Oh. Taj. Like...

like the hall.

The hall! I was...
we said that at
the same time.

Marshall. Marshall.

Ronnie told me about
how you have these, like,

enormous boogers
up in your nose.

Can I see them?

What are you
talking about?

Come on!
Show 'em to me.

Hey, kelly, this is taj.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm, like, messing
this up for you, right?

I'm so sorry, man.

Hey! What
are you doing?

How do you drink that?

Whew.

Gotta chase it with this.

Ahh!

Do you think you've had enough?

Nope.

I have a very high tolerance.

Mmm...

In your dreams.

♪ I can wine
and wine and wine ♪

♪ I got ♪

♪ good, good... ♪

can I have
a slippery nipple, please?

Can I have a green areola?

Can I get a rob reiner?

♪ All you gotta do
is yo-h* ♪

♪ come on ♪

♪ I will ♪

♪ boogie your woogie ♪

♪ till the cows come home ♪

whoo!

Come on. Who's next?

Good! More for me!

♪ Gonna blow up like a rocket ♪

♪ boogie child ♪

So then the priest says,

"I believe in god.
I didn't say
I was straight."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, god.

Big ups, guy.

Dude, get out of here.

Why?

Because. Lloyd's
about to pick a girl,

then the others
are gonna disperse,

and then I'm gonna
get the slowest
and the weakest one.

Now go. He's
about to pick one, ok?

Ok.

All right. Um...

Would you like to go
somewhere and talk?

I love talking.
Yeah.

Great.

Talking.

Yeah.

So, uh, what's your major?

Psychology.
Oh.

I like to go
into people's minds.

God. Stay out.

Don't worry.

I love your lips.

They're really big.

So, what's your major?

Music.

Are you ser...
I'm a music major, too.

Really?
Yeah. For real.

What do you play?

Everything.

I...

hey, marshall.

What are you doing here?

Um, the next time
you use the bathroom,

you might want to flush.

Hey, ron?

Man, are you ok?

That didn't look
so healthy, you know?

Bye.

Uh...

Don't be a jerk, man, ok?

I could be hooking up

with all kinds
of ladies tonight.

All right?
I mean, if it wasn't

for you guys and you know it.

If it wasn't
for us?
Yeah!

So we messed up
your teeth, right?
That was us.

Dude, just go talk to her, ok?

Please. Thank you.
Fine. Ok.

Steppin' up.

Hey, sweetie, uh...

hey.

Hey, remember when I told you

it was ok to, like,
crotch block marshall?

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, could you
sort of, uh,

not, uh, do that anymore?

Yeah. Ok.

Oh. Ah. Great.
That's awesome.

I'm sorry, though.

I mean, you can still
do it if you want to.

I mean, I don't need
a boyfriend now.

I could get one anytime I want.

Rachel's right.

I should be free.

Now you're talking.

Until you can be
alone, you can't be
with anybody else.

Ain't that right, baby?

That's right, sugar.

Yeah. I mean, you know,
we're freshmen.

Now's the time when we're
supposed to be having fun.

God, rachel couldn't
be more right.

I just want to party
with her right now.

Who wants to party?!

Yeah!

Whoo!

U.N.E.C. Rocks!

Whoo!

There they go.

Who let the dogs out?

Lizzie, get up here!

This is awesome!

No.

Lizzie, get up here!

No!

Wow.

Hey, lloyd.

Sorry. Lloyd.

Hey...

Excuse me.

That's ok.

Ok, listen.

I've, uh, been
talking to this girl

and she's really attractive

and smart

and I never thought
a girl like that

would ever talk to me.

I just figured
lizzie was some
kind of weird fluke.

Well, apparently she wasn't.

You should go make a move.

Right. I...

but should I really?
I mean,

what about lizzie?

Of course you should.
What if this is

the perfect girl, not lizzie?

Whoa!

Oh, my...

right.

I mean, what if she's the one?

They could all be the one,

and you don't know
until you sleep with them...

all of them.

Right. Right.

Thank you so much.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey.
You want to see
something sick?

You know how
we stopped crotch
blocking marshall?

Now him and some chick

are sucking face over there.

Oh, my god!

Yeah.

Oh, god.

Oh, no, I...

I made a mistake.

I... I want
a girlfriend.

I think I want a girlfriend.

Ok.

Ew. Ugh...

Uhh...

♪ Riot in the streets ♪

♪ the touch
beneath the sheets ♪

♪ it's only gonna
make you love me more ♪

♪ this old world, well ♪

♪ it was mine to take ♪

♪ faith can keep you warm ♪

♪ but I'll teach you
how to shake ♪

♪ and I'll come to you ♪

♪ like a little girl ♪

♪ it's only gonna
make me love you more ♪

lizzie, um...
look, listen.

I want to make it
official, because...

let's never be apart again.

Oh, god.
Never ever.

Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Guys, guys. Um...

I don't feel good.

Can somebody please hold
my hair while I throw up?

I should probably help her.

Well, we can hold
her hair together.

Ok.

Uh-oh.

Oh. Oh.