01x15 - Hal and Hillary

[bunniefuu]

Hey, uh, guys,
could I ask you
a question?

I mean, I could
be crazy, but, like,

am I kind of
lookin' good today?

I kind of feel like
I'm lookin' good.

Oh...You do
look good.

Yes! Thank you.
I thought so.

I put on my clothes,
it's like some days
I look ok,

and some days
I look like
a fat old man,

but, like, today, I'm, like,

like a good-looking
guy, right?

Lloyd, ron's lookin' good.

Ron's lookin' really good.

Wow, you do look good.

That's odd.

I look great.

Yeah.
Am I looking good?

Oh, my lord, no.
What happened
to your face, man?

It's just a pimple. God.

Can you see out of that thing?

Hello?

Neo, the oracle has spoken.

You are the chosen one.

Hold on a sec.

Hey, theo. I mean,

Morpheus, what is
the matrix?

So how's high school goin'?

High school still sucks.

Ah, come on,
don't say that.
You're a senior now.

I know. But now
I'm getting hassled
by all the juniors.

Some of 'em
have gotten so huge.

Ah, man. Ah, god.
Look, just
hang in there,

'cause college
is so awesome.

Yeah. I want to
come over there and visit...

so bad.

Yeah, that'd
be great. Anytime.

What about friday?

Uh, yeah. Ok. Cool.

Uh, friday.
Friday's good.

Awesome. Well...

I'll see you friday, neo.

Ok, morpheus.

Have tank pilot
the nebuchadnezzar...

To, uh, all right,

so I will see you
on friday, then.

Ok, bye.

You know, I realized
that when I was with you,

I really cut myself off
to a lot of good people.

A lot of real solid good folks

well...
want to
hang out with me.

You know what the best
thing about 'em is?

Is they don't have sex with me

and have sex with somebody else

at the same time!
Don't...

greg would never do that to me!

Can we not go
through this again?

I mean, it's...

we can be friends.
Eech.

Who's that she talkin' to?

We shouldn't talk on
the phone 3 times a day.

Uh, uh, I think her dad.

What... you're the one
who broke up with me!

I said I think
we need to break up.

Do I not get to think?
A person can't think

and then decide, you know?

Maybe I jumped the g*n
a little bit.

Are you telling me

that you didn't
break up with me?

What the hell is this?
Why are they still fighting?

They're not even
going out anymore.

They're just like
whitney and bobby brown,

so much passion,
yet so much pain.

No, I am
getting off the phone!

Good-bye!

Hey, lizzie, uh, what's,
uh, what's goin' on?

Nothin'. I was just
brushing my hair.

Oh.

Hey! Hey, you guys,
did... did you see this?

Oh! Around-the-world party!

This one's really
the best party

of the year, this thing.

They take over
the entire floor,

and then each room
has refreshments

from a different country.

Oh! It's on
the seventh floor.

Remember, I told you
about that girl

on the seventh floor...
the angel?

Oh, god! I-I'm still
lookin' awesome, right?

I'm gonna be the belle
of this ball, baby.

This... this is
gonna be so bad-a*s.

Dude, are you wearin' makeup?

Yes, I am.

Rachel gave me some
cover-up for my pimple,

and then I... I put
a little under my eyes.

I... I thought you
looked less tired.

Thank you.

Steven, it's no big deal.

Your mom and I still fight.

Hell, we even get it on

every once in a while.

Dad, god, you're
not helping me.

Look, I'm sure you're
a better boyfriend

than he was.

I mean, you're a karp
come on, you got the...

You got the karp a*s.

Well, that's true,
but, I mean...

he's, like, a man.
He's 6'4".

Really?

Yes, really.

And he's got way more
experience than I do.

I have no experience.

What I have is

my imaginary
ex-girlfriend carmen

who moved away to maryland

to help her sick brother
or something like...

steven, just relax, will you?

I'm a geek, dad.

I am such a geek.

Look, you just gotta
treat her better

than eric did.

That's impossible.

He was always makin' her stuff

and sending her love letters

with cool 3-d graphics.

I mean, like, he was
really romantic.

So... so you gotta be
more romantic.

You gotta put her on
a pedestal. Come on.

Right...Right.

Um, so, then, like,
what were some things

that mom always
wanted you to do,

but you never did?

I don't know.

Learn to read minds.

Good, dad, thanks.

I'm gonna go to class.

The perfect date.

That's really cute.

Eric did this once.

He'd filled his ex-stepdad's
hot tub with pink champagne.

That sounds like fun.

Well, I got a urinary tract
infection...

But it was nice.

You think you're gonna
get back together with eric?

No.

I mean, I don't think so.

So I heard
you're giving lizzie

the perfect night of love.

Oh, that's right.

I'm gonna make her
chicken parmesan,

and then
we're gonna watch
the last boy scout.

Damon wayans
is such a bad-a*s.

The last boy scout
and chicken parmesan?

Steven, do you like
dating lizzie?

Well, obviously.
Yeah. Why?

Do you want to keep
dating lizzie?

'Cause she's been brushing
her hair a lot lately.

What?

Yeah. I've just been
telling everybody

you guys are headed
for a disaster.

Well, you never
said that to me.

I'm saying it now, ok?

Just, please, let us help you,

or else you're
really gonna get hurt.

Well, why do you
want to help me so much?

Because we hate eric.

And we like you.

Neo...

There is no spoon.

Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!

Ha. Wow.

Excuse us.

What the hell are you doing?

I thought you said
you were coming
on friday.

Today is friday.

You said friday
this morning.
That's today.

Why didn't you just say today?

God, everyone
is so mean to me lately.

You know, you'd think
under the current climate,

people would be nicer.

We're all americans.

I'm not being mean.
It's just that tonight,

I kind of have a date
with my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Since when do you even
talk to girls?

Why didn't you tell me
about your girlfriend?

Things are different
at college.

Yeah, apparently.

I was gonna tell you,
you know, it...

Look, you know...

I guarantee you'll have
a good time tonight.

Ok? You know
what I'll do?

I'll hook you up
with my roommates.

They're really,
really nice guys,

and they'll show you
what college is about.

It's awesome.
It'll be wicked.

No!
Please?

No!
Please?

No!
I need this.

No way, man.

We're trying to hook
up with some birds tonight,

and marshall's zit
is enough of an obstacle.

I know, but this
is really, really important.

I could lose lizzie.

You don't make her dinner?

That doesn't make any sense.

I'm not just
cooking her dinner, ok?

It's a perfect night of love.

I can't have a perfect
night of love

if my goofy
high-school friend

is hanging around
the whole time.

Boom shaka-laka.

It sounds like
a perfect night
of love to me...

For me to poop on.

Ha ha.

You guys really suck, you know?

Great.

All right, man,
we'll take keanu with us,

but he better be able
to keep up, you know?

You know, around the world
that happens once a year.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I really appreciate this.

Bi-atch.
Yeah.

Whipped cream.

Well, I think I have
enough condoms...

For tonight.

Hi. Which massage oil
is better,

heat activated or edible?

Wine, cheese, and roses
and candles, and, ah, man,

this is gonna be, like,
the most specialest night ever.

Eric can bite my dust.

Whoa!

Whoo!

Oh, my god.

College girls like
the guy that hangs around
in the background.

Do you know what I mean,

like the cool, quiet guy?

Yeah, you, too, marshall.
So just chill out, you know.

Don't embarrass your zit.

Dude, shut up about my zit.

It's not funny anymore.
It's getting old.

No, it doesn't get old,
is the thing.

It's as fresh
as the pus in your zit.

Ooh-whee!

Take me to jail.

Hello there.

Whoo.

Wicked!

All right, boys,

let's strike
while the ron's hot.

Hey, sweetness.

Ha ha ha.

Uh, welcome.

Won't you come in?

You see what I'm saying?

And... and... and that is why
freddie got fingered. Ha.

Yeah, theo, I know.

I just didn't get it.

You weren't supposed to get it.

That was the whole
point of the movie.

I mean, it was
a radical anti-comedy.

Did you even see it?

Guys! Guys!

That's her.

Why don't you stay anyway?

No.

So I'll see you guys
a little later.

Bye.

Oh, this looks like...

Look at her scampering around.

She's like a little bunny.

Oh, man, don't
have sex with the bunny.

All right.
Watch and take notes,
theo, my lad.

I'll see you 4 later.



Mr. Zit.

Shut up, man!

Hey, tiger.

How are you doing?
"Tigers."

Huh. Um...

Would you like a drink?

Uh, no, thanks.

I'm about
to get outta here
and do some work.

Oh, come on.

I was thinking
of a wee trip to scotland

for a single-malt dram.

Would you care to
join me, lassie?

I kind of wanted
to go the norway room.

Norway! Great,
but cold. Very cold.

I think I should
come with you, keep you warm.

Ok.

♪ The look ♪

♪ of love ♪

♪ is in ♪

♪ your eyes ♪

♪ The look ♪

♪ of lo-ove ♪

♪ it's saying so much more ♪

♪ How long I have waited ♪

♪ waited just to love you ♪

♪ now that I have found you ♪

go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

♪ I love you so ♪

Yeah! Yeah!
You're the man!

You're the man!
Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Aah! Freak show!
Yeah!

You're drinking beer!

You're drinking beer!
Ha ha ha!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
You're drinking beer!

Hey!

Zit man.
How's it going?

Your zit has its...

has its own zip code.

Zit code.

This isn't really
the time, theo.

Right.
It's a time to hang out

with a guy with
a big zit on his face

and an ugly guy
who thinks he's
really good-looking.

That's you. Ha.

Hey, uh, theo,
you know how we said

we were gonna
get you some girls tonight?

Yeah.

And you know the girl
that lloyd's talking to?

Yeah. She's so hot.

She is so hot, right?

And she told me
what you were doing
to the boozlers there,

that she thinks
that you are hot.

You're the man.

Yeah?

Oh, my god, yes.

She doesn't even like lloyd.

No. And you know what?

I just remembered.
It's the craziest thing,

is that she told me
that she loves

freddy's got fingers.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Get outta here.

You get outta here.

Go get her!

Yeah!
See you later, zit.

Ha ha.

What are you thinking about?

I just am realizing

how much I don't know
about you.

Oh, come on.
That's not your fault.

I've always been
a private guy...

Which is probably why
I was so popular in high school,

just 'cause everyone's
always interested in me,
you know?

Were you super popular?

Oh, god, I hate that word.
No, I was well liked.

Hmm.

Come on. You can't
have that much work
to do?

What major are you?

Pre-law.

Pre-law! Great!
I need a lawyer.

Why?

I don't know yet.

But I just have this feeling

that I'm gonna
get into trouble
for something.

Listen, we could
go to your room

and discuss the merits
of my case.

That's kind of like studying.

Sure, but you don't think
nina will mind?

I won't mind
if nina don't mind.

Nina was my roommate.

I don't think I know nina.

Remember, she
consoled you that night

you were so lonely
and homesick?

And then you had sex with her

and never talked to her again.

Nina! Nina!
Oh, right. Yeah.

How is nina?

Well, maybe you'd know

if you ever called her
or talked to her.

Come on...

hi.

Theo, not now.

It's ok.
I'm here for her.

How's it going?
I'm theo.

Hey. I'm evie.

Hi, theo.

Oh, my god, it's heath ledger.

Hey, I just saw
heather graham leaving.

Oh, no, she just left you.

You know, the only difference

between your name
and hers is e.R.,

which is a really good show.

You want me
to get rid of this guy?

Would you, please?

You know, maybe we should
just go to the brazil room.

You know I'm very,
very good at capoeira,

the brazilian art
of fight dancing.

Well, I would be delighted.

Oh.

Oh!

But, uh, just one.

I do have some work to do.

Well, now you say just one,

later you say just wonderful.

You know, I loved
freddy got fingered, too.

Oh, yeah?

Hello?

Hey, rache, it's eric.
Is lizzie there?

Uh, no.
She's not here.

She's out
with steven, isn't she?

No! No, she's not
out with steven.

Yeah, she is. Just tell me
she's out with steven.

Don't lie, rache, just tell me
she's out with steven.

She's not out with steven.

I don't know where she is.

Rachel, you're lying to me.

I know you too well.
You can't lie to me.

Just tell me
she's out with steven

so I can be done with it.

She's not out with steven!

You're lying, rachel!
I know you too well.

Don't lie to me.
Just tell me
if she's out with steven...

hello.
He wants
to talk to you.

Who the hell is this?

It's tina.
I live here.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Wait a minute,
this is steven, isn't it?

Steven?

Oh, nice try, minuteman.

Hey, let me tell you
somethin', steven!

You better watch out, 'cause...

bye-bye.

Mmm.

Hey, try this.

Say "ahhh."

Ahhhh...

Theo! Wow, look at you,

you're like
patrick swayze over here.

I thought you had
schoolwork to do?

What do you care?

Hey, you know, heath,

the queen wants you back
at suckingham palace.

Ha ha ha.
This kid's a crack-up.

Excuse me just one second.

You want to do me
a favor, mate?

You want to go find
marshall and ron for me?

Why? I have a chance here.

You don't have
a chance here, mate.

And you're screwing up

what little chance I have.

But marshall and ron said
that she thought I was cute.

Theo,
they only said that
because they thought

it be funny to screw with you.

She doesn't like
freddy got fingered?

Theo, nobody liked
freddy got fingered.

You guys are worse
than the juniors.

I hate you.

Where's theo going?

Oh, he had to go back
to annoying-land.

Look, about nina...

Mm-hmm?

Yeah, I didn't call her back,

but it was just one of those

drunken party things, you know?

Well, I'll make sure
I don't make
the same mistake.

Just give me a chance.

Please?

Can we start over?

I'm lloyd.

Oh, you're that guy

who had sex with my roommate

and was mean to that
high-school kid.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm leaving.

I, uh, I think
this side is done,

so if you would like
to turn over,

uh, now would be a good time.

Ok.

Steven! Outside! Now!

Aah!

Whoa, boobs.

Theo, damn it!

You know this guy?

Why did you abandon me, man?

Ok, listen,

now is really not the time.

Well, then when is the time?

You know, we used to be
best friends,

and now you leave me
with your jerkmates,

just like you left me
in high school

for a whole year by myself

just 'cause
I'm born in november.

What? No, dude,
we're still friends.

No, now that you have
your first girlfriend,

everything's changed.

You know, I was dancing
with a really hot girl

upstairs 10 minutes ago...

Hotter than her.

I'm your first girlfriend?
What about carmen?

Who's carmen?

Steven's old girlfriend.

That girl.

Oh, that's, uh...

that's my sister!

You made my sister out to be

your imaginary girlfriend?

Ucch!

So I guess
now we're even
for the zit jokes.

Ron made zit jokes,
too, marshall.

Why don't you ruin his life?

'Cause there's nothing to ruin.

Yeah. True say, right?

Why don't you just
get another girl?

It'll take you 8 seconds.

I don't want another girl, ron.

I want evie.

And you know what, fellas?

I'm gonna get her.

And you can try

all the moronic little
pranks you want.

They don't faze me.

I'll get her.

It's time.
I'm popping it.

No! Dude, get off...

get off the...

get off the zit!

I'm doing it!

Uhh!

Steven, I don't care if you
never had a girlfriend.

You didn't have to do all this.

Really?

Yeah, and tonight
was really great,

but eric used to do stuff
like this a lot,

and sometimes
it was a little creepy.

Then why do you keep
talking to him on the phone?

'Cause he calls,
like 5 times a day,

and if I don't answer,
he calls 50 times a day.

But it means nothing.

Ok.

And theo, look...

I'm sorry that I blew you off.

That's ok.

I actually had a really
awesome time tonight.

I danced with
a really hot girl,

and I almost
touched her butt twice

and she didn't even get mad.

And then I saw your boobs,

which was sweet.

If a geeky guy like you
can make it in college,

imagine how well a guy
like me will do.

He was always
the geek in high school.

Hey, none of us
were perfect in high school.

So you were a geek.
Everybody was something.

I was a sl*t.

What?

I was a sl*t.

Can I have your phone number?

Come on. That was funny.

♪ Hava nagila
vey nismakha ♪

♪ hava nagila ♪

♪ hava nagila ♪

♪ hava nagila ♪

♪ vey nismekha ♪

There's only dudes
in this room.

Yeah, let's just...

let's just back out.