01x16 - Eric's POV

[bunniefuu]

Not again.

Steven, you have
to knock first.

Shut up, and don't
say my name.

Steven.

It's the police.

Ha ha. I'm just kidding.
It's your father.
Remember me?

Can't he spend 2 days
without dropping by
unannounced?

I'm in college.
I need my space.

Well, I feel
bad for hal.
He is lonely.

I... I know.

I just wish he could be lonely

by himself sometimes.

So... so if you,
uh, need any help,

I could help you
with the, uh...

Human pretzel icebreaker.

You know, it could be fun.

Yeah. Thanks, lucien.

I think me
and my residents
can handle it.

Oh, well, ok.
Well, I'm available.

You know that, right?

- Yep.
- Excuse me.

Uh, uh, hi.
Mr. Steven karp's
dad, huh?

Yes.
Hal karp.

Hal karp. Uh,

this is, uh, hillary.
She's the head r.A.

Hello, parent.

Me r.A.
You "r" a dad.

Uh, listen,

I haven't seen steven in days,

and I'm beginning to worry that

he's in some kind of trouble.

Um, ok. Lucien,

can we borrow your
room-slash-office for a second?

Then my wife left me,

and now I'm waiting tables.

And, uh, I should have
gone back to college,

but now it's too late.

Oh, no, hal.
It's never too late.

Your life is just starting.

There are 75-year-old
yogis in india

who wrestle tigers
for a living.

You're so great.

- I am, and you know what?
- So are you.

I mean, come on.
You're relatively young.
You're good-looking.

Wow. You're really
amazing at this.

I am, really?

Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I don't get that
very much around
here, you know.

I don't like to be the bad guy.

I confiscate their
bongs for a reason.

It's just...

Hal...

Would you do me a favor?

Anything.

Dare to believe in yourself.

Really?

And remember,

you are never
too old for anything.

Ow!

Oh, my a*s. Oh!

Steven! Steven!

Where's steven?

Uh...
Oh, man.

You gotta come with me.
It's horrible.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

Daddy?

Shh.

Oh, my god.

What was he doing?

Look, my psyche
professor would say

this is typical
behavior for
a divorced man.

I mean, he's just
seeking affection.

Ruining your son's life
is typical behavior?

Your professor's a dope.

Yeah, like you would know.

Look, I mean,
you want your dad
to give you space?

So just give him space.

I mean, how would you feel

if he said
that you and I
couldn't date?

I know. You're right.
It just... ew, it sucks.

Yeah, it sucks.

Wanna go see if hal's
ridin' the pony?

Aw, crap.

Come on.

Thanks for carrying
my backpack.

I know it's heavy.

Ha. No problem.

I got... I got


One for me and one for you.

Oh. Look.

Oh.

Um, so maybe, uh...

You wanna go to
the student union with me,

and we could play some games
right now?
Uh...

Yeah, you know,
I have to get my...

my new student I.D.,

my hair looking good...

Right. Yeah.

Yeah, I should do that, too.

Maybe, uh, I'll come
by your room later?

♪ I've got sunshine ♪

♪ on a cloudy day ♪

♪ when it get a little cold
outside, now, baby ♪

♪ I've got the month of may ♪

hey, you mind if I play?
It's more fun with 2.

Kikuki?

Cookie?

Um, so, I'm marshall.

Yeah. Uh, I don't know
what that means.

Dude, m-marshall never
came home last night.

Maybe he hooked up.

Heh. Yeah.

Maybe he's dead.
Ha ha.

Hey, fellas.
This is kikuki.

Hi.

Hi.

Here we go
again with the cookies.

Thank you.

Every time we meet somebody.
Ha ha.

Oh.
It's like a tradition.

Isn't she cute?

Cutie kikuki.

Hey, marshall, I was...

Oh, hey, rache.

Uh...This is kikuki.

Ah.

She doesn't speak any english.

She's, like, all japanese.

She doesn't speak
any english?

Uh-uh.

Heh. That's unbelievable.

Hey, it's like you
found the perfect girl.

She gave me this
electronic translator.

Check this out.

You...Are so...Cute.

How cool is that?

It's like we're on
the cutting edge of dating.

It's like we're on
a chat page, but we're
standing right here.

Um, let's go to my room.

Thank you.

Well, I mean, it'll never last.

She's got the boobs
of a 6-year-old.

And she's, like, dumb.

Well, I don't think
a dumb girl is necessarily
wrong for marshall.

Yeah. And I don't
even think she's
dumb necessarily.

She's just... she
seems dumb 'cause
she's foreign.

Hah! Like lloyd.

I'm gonna hurt you
when you least expect it.

Oh, my hand is so much
smaller than your hand.

Aah! Don't hurt me, giant!
No!

Hil-hillary?

I can feel
the stress
in your neck.

Oh, god. That feels
really good.

Hey, karp. Turn down
that crap music.

Heh heh heh. Actually,
it's lloyd's stereo.

Too loud, ok?
Bring it down, man.

Lucien, it's at 2.

Lloyd, I am not talking to you.

Listen here, karp.
People didn't enroll here
at u.N.E.C.

To listen
to your cool music, ok?

Cross me. Just cross me, ok?

'Cause I would love to get you
kicked out of this dorm.

And also remember this.

This face, take a good look.

It's your worst nightmare.

Yours, too,
if you're not careful.

I'll bring you down.

The word can actually
mean "small village"

in, uh...I believe
it's uruguay.

I could be wrong.

Oh! Hey, there he is.

Oh, hey!
It's the party people.

Uh, is this your floor?

Yeah. Uh, this is the, uh...
This is where I live.

Well, hey...
Oh.

Thanks so much...
Ok.

For helping me
figure out
where I was going.

Ok, uh, hal, is it?

Hal.
Great.

Ok, then I'm just
gonna be by myself now.

She is such a nice lady.

You know,
I hadn't heard from you,

and I was kinda worried
how you're doing.

He's great.

I'm great.

Ok, I gotta go,
and, uh, you know,

I'm just gonna take
the stairs down.

So, um, stay in touch.

Bye.

Yes!

Konnichi-wa.
Konnichi-wa.

Hello.

Hmm.

Japa-knees.

Japanese.

No, no, no. Um,
japanese.

Japa-knees.

Knees...

Knees...

No, no, no, no, no.
Um...

Never mind.

May...I...Kiss you?

Proceed.

Hey, you know,
the chick with that
purple hat thing.

Oh, yeah. You know,
I think that chick's
got a twin sister.

What the hell, man?
That's disgusting!

What are you talking about?

What am I...
the sink.
Look at that sink.

What, were you born
in an elephant barn?

No. I...
that's actually not mine.

It was the guy with
the enormous red beard... him!

He was here shaving,
like, 5 minutes ago.

No way.
What?

Ok, let's not play
the blame game, ok, karp?

I will write you up.

Clean it up, man!
I'm serious!

What the hell are you doing?

Look what I got.

Oh, now, you better
put that back.

That's the key
to marshall's sex life.

Well, he shouldn't have
left it out in the open.

He didn't leave it out
in the open.

It was in his backpack.

Come on. Let's go
have some fun.

We gonna make out?

Shh!

You have
reached the voice
message center for...

Kikuki.

Shh!
What did you type?

I like to light my farts.

Oh, I got... I got
another one.

I got another one.

Where is the eel farm?

Ok. Here.

You think you are so hot,

but you are so not.

That was kind of mean.

What did you do
to make him so mad?

No. My dad...

my dad is
having relations
with hillary.

I haven't done anything.

Then do something.

Like what?

Let's monkeyshine his a*s.

Don't... don't do that.

Don't monkeyshine.

Ok.

Unh! I gotta go to class.

Bye.

Bye.

So you a man or not?

Monkeyshine.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Who did this?!

Who did this?! Who?

Wh...

what happened?

What happened what?
Oh!

I strapped myself here.

I have a girl coming by
to pleasure me
in a few minutes.

Are you serious?

No! You moron!

Now untie me!

Don't worry.
I'll get my scissors.

Wha?

One step over the line, buddy.

One step over the line.

Hey, that's...

that's... that's my stuff.

Are... are you buying
a candy bar?

No, I'm trying to buy
my scissors!

Did you get 'em?

Oh, h* h*!

♪ walk you and
kiss you and hold you ♪

♪ oh, hillary ♪

what are you guys up to?

Nothing.
Nothing.

Ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, that's really,
really funny.

There's no more
mr. Nice guy, karp.

I'm writing you up.

Ok.

Lloyd, I'm watching you, too.

What did I do?

Karp! Go to your room

and pack your bags!

What?
You're not my dad.

No, I'm not your dad!
If I was your dad,

I would be
nailing hillary! Ok?

Now I am sending
a judicial notice

to the housing committee.

So you know what, buddy?

You're gone, bye-bye,
nice knowing you.

Now, I'm watching
you, too, lizzie!

Buttercup.

Ha!

Son of a...

Why do you
ignite your gas?

What... I don't know
what that means.

Where is
the eel farm?

Where's the...
where's the eel farm?

I don't... I don't know.
Where is the eel farm?

You tell me.

You make no sense.

I... I make no sense?

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense.

You make no sense!

You make no sense!
Stop yellin' at me!

I've no idea why I ever
listened to either of you,

because both your ideas
were, like, insane!

"It's none of your
business, karpy."

Or, uh, "ohh, lets go
monkeyshine lucien's a*s!"

I think that the problem was

we just shined it too hard.

I just didn't think
he'd actually
kick you out.

If this is gonna be
my last day,

then I'm taking lucien
down with me.

I'm in.

Ok. Me, too.

Ohh!

Yaa!

So she's all mad at me,

and the more
she tries to explain it,
the less sense she makes.

You know?
She keeps asking me
why I ignite my gas.

What the hell is that?

You shouldn't have left
your translator out

where rachel could find it.

What?
Ok.

We left some stupid messages

on kookaroo's voicemail.

You and rachel?

Yeah, I know.

It's like some kind
of unholy alliance
or something,

but it was fun.

Rachel's trying to destroy
my relationship
with kikuki?

Oh, no.
I wouldn't say that.

She's jealous!

No, she is not jealous, man.

Yeah!

No.

Rachel's... she likes me!

No, she really doesn't.

No... yeah, rachel likes me!

No!

Whoo!

Where are you going?
Other than nuts?

So, hal, steven is going
to be very surprised
by the news, you know?

We have to be careful
of his feelings.

So you're going to say...

Well, steven, hillary
here has been helping me
get it together,

and we've become very close.

Hal, you have to make sure
you're very kind,

'cause he's going to have
a lot of questions, you know?

He's just probably going
to come at you like,

"what are you,
some kind of freak?

Why would you date someone
so much younger than you?"

And then you're going
to be like,

"relax. Love
doesn't have an age."

And then he's just
going to come at you
with all this stuff like, uh...

"Dad, everybody thinks
she's crazy!

"I mean, everybody
says she's crazy.

She's on medication."

And you should just be like,
"what?

"She's not crazy.
Everybody else is crazy.

"I mean, she doesn't take
the medication 'cause it
makes her sleepy. Hello!

"You know, it gets rid
of her sex drive.

Oh, great, what a life."

And then he's gonna be like,

"she slept with all these guys!

"She slept with everyone
on the floor, dad.

Why don't you get it
through your stupid,
thick head?"

Uh...

He might just start
screaming, "she's a wh*re!

"She tried to sleep with me,
and I said no,

and she's just doing this
to get back at me!"

And you have to just laugh

and be like, "what?"

Aah!

What is all the racket?

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!

Guys!

Guys!

Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

What the hell are you
freshman idiots doing?

What do you care?
I'm already
kicked out.

Why don't you kick me out, too?

Yeah, me, too, lucien,
if you're done
watching me.

You are a dead man, karp!

You want to take this
outside, 'cause I'll
take it outside!

What? I don't want
to take it outside.

Come on.
Let's take it outside!

All right, I'll
take it outside.

I'm not asking you
to take it outside.

I'm asking steven
to take it outside.

Well, why don't we all
take it outside

and see what happens?

Yeah, ok, fine!
Let's take it outside.

I don't wanna take it outside.

You said you were going
to kick me out
of the dorm.

I... I was just bluffing.

I don't even have
the power to do that.

Lucien!

Have you lost
control of this floor?!

Hey, lloyd.

Hey.

Steven was doing
slip-and-slides.

Steven, were you
slipping and sliding?

This is all your fault!

If you do slip and slides
one more time,

I swear to god...

no! You don't tell me
what to do!

You don't tell me what to do!

What?!

Come here!

Steve, steve!

Now, get up!

No! You're not
my stepmother!

Look what you have
done to my dorm!

You can't tell me what to do!

Hillary, hillary, stop!
Stop the madness!

Everybody knows you're
givin' it to steven's dad.

Oh, god.
Just look at this.

This is because of you.

You're so blind.
You're so blind,

my sweet hillary.

You don't see the beauty
in front of you.

Oh, darlin', when are you
gonna take a chance on me?

But, no, you just walk around

'causing more problems
than you're solving.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, everybody.
He's right. I...

things have gotten
a little out
of control, but, uh...

We're gonna have
a good time tonight.

I wanna let everybody
know that the...

the muslim awareness
pizza party has been
changed from



We got pizza there.

We don't have any judgment.

We just have pizza there.

We just have pizza there.

I, uh...

I'm glad this happened.
I'm glad this happened.

This was...

I'm ok.

I'm all right.

Hello. Mushi-mushi.

Mushi-mushi, kikuki.

It's marshall-san.

I can't do this anymore.

My heart belongs to rachel.

Intercourse you.

Hey, do you wanna go
to the student union,

play some pool,
eat some food
or something?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, all right.

So you a good pool player?

Yeah... no, no. I'm ok.
I'm, like, average.
What about you? You...

oh, I probably could beat you.

Really?

Uh...So did you ever get
that student I.D. Stuff
done or...

no.

what... what...

did... what?

Hey!

This... this better not
be permanent!

Very funny!
It's very, very funny.

Hello!

Karp... k-k-karp?

Is that you?

This wasn't here when I...
when I left this morning,

this was not here.

Visually I could not see this.

Just go ahead
and give me a hand.