14x01 - Cleveland Show

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[Khloé] Does this hurt?

-You ever been hit by a car?
-[Khloé laughs]

-[Khloé] Don't say that.
-[laughs]

You are going down. You're going down!

-[Mason] I got you.
-[Khloé laughs]

[man] Three, two, one! Go, go, go!

[Kourtney] Mase, go to the left.

-[paintball g*ns popping]
-[action music]

[Khloé] I need backup, guys.

Ow, this hurts so bad!

[man] Kourtney, you're hiding
behind nothing again.

-[Khloé] Who's sh**ting me?
-[paintball g*ns popping]

[Kourtney]
Khloé's fat ass is sticking out!

I got you. I already got you!

-[Kourtney] You're out! You're out!
-[Khloé screams]

[Kourtney]
Khloé, it [bleep] hurts! I hate you!

[man] Uh, you got...
Khloé, you're cheating.

-[man laughs]
-[Kourtney] I got Khloé out already.

Khloé is a [bleep] bitch.
You played dirty.

[man laughs]

[Kourtney] Turn around.
I'm gonna sh**t you in the ass.

-Not from too close.
-Ten feet away.

-[Kourtney] One, two.
-[Khloé] You know, Kourt...

Ow! That's not my ass.

[theme music]

[Kris] Hi.

-[Kourtney] Hey, Mom.
-[Reign] Mommy!

-Can I hold you?
-[Kourtney] What?

-[Kourtney] Feed yourself.
-Reign... Reign, do you want me to hold you?

-[Reign] No.
-Oh.

[Kourtney] You want Lovey to hold you?

I want Moana.

[Reign babbles]

Lovey wants to hold you, okay?

-Can I hold you for a minute?
-Oh, no!

What?

Here, sit here, so Lovey...

-Can I just hug you?
-I want Mommy.

-If you give me a hug...
-I want Mama.

...I'll let you keep your candy.

-That's what I thought.
-[Reign babbling]

-Oh, I love you.
-[Reign babbling]

-How come I love you so much?
-I want to see Moana.

-It's not movie time.
-I watch in minutes.

-Minutes? It's not movie time.
-[Reign] Minutes.

Yeah. I watch minutes.

-[Kourtney] It's not movie time.
-I watch minutes.

He's negotiating.

Moana's in the other room.

-Come on. Come on, Lovey.
-[Kris] Oh, dear.

Oh, okay.

[Kris] So, tell me about your trip.

It's 17 girls as of now.

-[Kris] Seventeen girls? You're brave.
-Yeah.

-And how long are you gone?
-For four nights.

Are you gonna do goodie bags
for the plane?

[Kourtney] Mm-hmm.

-What are you doing?
-Steph and I,

like, we ordered
these little, like, Mexican-looking bags,

and then we put a bathing suit
for everyone that says SPF 1942.

-[Kris] So cute.
-And so, we ordered those for everyone.

We ordered, like, two pairs of sunglasses
for everyone.

-Oh, really?
-[Kourtney] Yeah.

We're excited.

-[upbeat music playing]
-That's cool.

For my birthday, I decided
to take all my friends to Mexico.

Tristan has a game, so Khloé's not coming.

We are gonna have the time of our lives,
just fun girls' weekend.

So, when you're in Mexico,

I'd love to spend some time
with Scott and the kids.

-If you're okay with that.
-Okay. Yeah.

'Cause I think we could think of a couple
really fun things to do with them

and take them to dinner.

I think he was gonna stay here
while I'm gone.

That's even better. I'm excited.

Do you guys want to hang out with Lovey
while I'm gone?

We could watch Moana at my house.
Do you want to do that?

[Reign] I want to see Moana.

-[Kourtney] You're gonna fall.
-[Penelope laughs]

[Penelope] I want to fall.

-[Penelope laughs]
-What about this kind of pinch?

-[Kourtney] Hey.
-[Kris] Oh, whoa!

-Hey. No.
-This is dangerous.

I just came for a visit, not a...
And it's not a hospital visit.

[Kris] All right, you two have fun.

I got to go.

-[Kourtney] Should I wrestle you?
-[Penelope giggling]

[upbeat music]

Hi! Oh, we have a double visitor?

-Hi, Kourt. Hi, gorg.
-[Larsa] I love you. You look so cute.

Oh, my God, you're getting... I can't.

-Hi. Hey.
-[Kim] Hey.

-Kimberly, you are so hot.
-[Joyce] What's happening?

Oh, my God, thank you.

-Can we be honest about last night?
-[Kim] What?

Scott wants to go on a trip
with me and the kids

for his birthday after Mexico.

[Khloé] Why the [bleep] are you going out
of town with Scott again?

Aren't we over this?

[tense music]

We are gonna have kids together

-for our whole lives.
-[Khloé] Yeah, but you don't have, like...

Just 'cause you have kids together
doesn't mean you...

I mean, listen, you do your thing,
but you're definitely doing...

mixed messages.

Can you believe that after we catch Scott
with a girl in Costa Rica,

-after Scott's now, you know, around...
-No wonder he still does it.

-Yeah, they are now going on another...
-It's never gonna change.

-...vacation together as a family?
-I...

I can't believe her.

I just think that's, like...
You're just playing with fire.

-[Kourtney] How is that playing with fire?
-[Kim] Thank you.

-I feel the same exact way.
-[Kourtney] No, but, like...

Okay, stop being so defensive.

[Kourtney]
No, no, no. I just want to know.

And I'm trying to tell you
but when you're yelling down my throat,

it makes me want to yell back at you.

[Khloé] Roar!

But you're going on vacation, and he asked
if you wanted to share a room and

-there's only one left with a King bed.
-No, we're not sharing a room!

-[Kim] Because that's all that's left.
-[Khloé] You're so full of [bleep].

-We're not sharing a room.
-Yeah, right.

I think Scott and I definitely
have our own way of doing things

when it comes to co-parenting,
but I don't expect anyone to understand,

like, how we do things.

It's just, like, but then he comes to us

and talks to us about, like,
the mixed signals and I just...

I think that you do have to be more firm
unless you just like giving mixed signals.

No, I don't.

[Khloé] We're walking to set.
Your life is too complicated.

We did Aspen and Cabo and we were fine.

-And then what happened in Costa Rica?
-[Kim] We'll go with Khloé.

What happened in Costa Rica?

[upbeat music]

[Kris] Mason!

-How is my boy?
-Good.

Hi! Oh, and there's Northie.

What?

-[Kris] What? What?
-Wanna say hi to Lovey?

[Kris] Come here!

How happy am I to see you guys?

Remember right over there, P,
when you peed on the floor?

What?

[Scott] On my birthday,
she peed right over there.

Stop. I love that about her.

-[Scott] Yeah, it's a good kid.
-Yeah, she's great.

You gonna do it again today?

-No.
-[Kris] No.

-[Kris laughs]
-I didn't know.

You had a whole, like, team tonight.

You brought the whole cast

-and characters.
-The whole campers.

-Speaking of camping...
-[Northie babbling]

Yeah?

[Kris] I was thinking.

-When I was young...
-Okay.

My grandmother and my grandfather
used to go on major camping excursions.

-Okay.
-So, I was thinking, maybe we could do

an outdoor camping trip in my backyard,
or your backyard to start with.

Mase, you want to go camping

-in the backyard?
-We could even have an outdoor

-movie experience.
-[Mason] Yeah.

[Scott] You want to sleep in tents?

[Kris] You want to sleep in a tent?

-I am.
-Are you in?

Who's in? Raise your hand if you're in.

Uh, we're all in.

Okay, camping at my house.

While Kourtney's in Mexico,

Scott and I
are going to spend a little bit

of time together with the kids.

And I think that,
since he's on daddy duty,

camping is something really fun
to do together.

Who likes s'mores?

-[Scott] Oh.
-Raise your hand if you like s'mores!

Whoo! We love s'mores.

-We need big backpacks.
-Yes!

-Can we have music?
-[Kris] We can have music

-if you pick the music.
-[Scott] You gonna have a dance party?

-Uh, yeah.
-[Kris] Okay.

So, what kind of music do you like, Mase?

-Rap.
-[Kris] Uh.

Who's your favorite rapper, Northie?

-Kanye West is my dad!
-[laughs]

But I bet
he's your favorite rapper, right?

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

-[Khloé] It's hot today, Joe.
-[Joe] It is.

-How have you been?
-[Khloé] Good. How about you?

Good, good.
How long since the last workout?

-Since the last time I've seen you.
-No way. Okay. We'll see, what...

I don't work out in Cleveland. It sucks.

-Why?
-[Khloé] That's a good question.

-No more motivation once you get there?
-Well, I just bought an elliptical.

Like, he had a... like, he has a space
for a gym, but it was empty.

But it just came yesterday.
Like, all the equipment.

[Joe] Okay.

[Khloé] I need to bring you there.
You wouldn't go to Cleveland with me?

-If you need to.
-Yeah.

There you go, Joe.

-Sorry, guys.
-Thirty minutes late.

-Yet again.
-Sorry, I apologize.

Who the [bleep] are you talking to?

The phone call was not a good idea.

-[tense music]
-Oh, my God.

-[Scott] I'm gonna [bleep] this kid up!
-No...

Last night, I went to dinner with a guy
and was photographed.

And I just felt, you know...

I felt like I should give Scott
a heads-up, out of respect,

even though he hasn't done
the same to me in the past.

But the photos never ended up
coming out in the end.

So, it was pretty much all for nothing.

What?

[Scott] You don't think
I will [bleep] that kid up!

Okay, I got to go work out.

[whispers]
He's screaming at the top of his lungs.

-[Kourtney] Okay, bye.
-[Khloé] Kourtney, he was screaming.

No, that was not... a good idea.

-That was not a good idea.
-[Kourtney] Okay.

-I don't know what the hell is going on.
-Is he drunk right now?

-He sounds like it.
-That is Belligerent Scott.

[Khloé] Like, what does he think?
He could do whatever?

Exactly.

I go,
"You wouldn't even give me a warning.

I'm just giving you a heads-up.

Should I not do that?
I'm like, "Next time, I won't."

He's like, "There's gonna be a next time?"

Oh, my God.

That's what sent him over, the next time.

I thought it was cool
you were giving him a heads-up

-in case he saw pictures,...
-I said it the next morning, early.

-...or anything of you.
-Right.

Like, I thought that was cool

-'cause you're always sideswiped.
-And I said "I went to dinner with a guy."

I'm sure that there will be a next time
that I'm out at dinner with a guy.

Or lunch, or wherever it may be.

Like, I just don't get what he...
It's like, I'm so over that.

-Yeah.
-Like, Scott,

call me a wambulance and move on.

I can't get over it.

Honesty is always the best policy,
but maybe for him...

[Kourtney] That's what I said.

-Excited to go to Mexico tomorrow?
-Cannot wait to get the hell out of here.

[scoffs]
Do you, baby girl.

[light music]

There is no place like Mexico.

I'm so excited to be here.

I've never had all these girls together,
so it'll definitely be interesting.

MILFs gone wild.

-[Veronica] Hi!
-Welcome!

-[Veronica] Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!

[Veronica laughing]
Oh, my God!

[women screaming, cheering]

[Melissa] Oh, my God!

[laughter, screaming]

-Oh, it's amazing!
-Oh, my God! Best day ever!

-Happy birthday!
-Oh, so warm!

Oh!

-The pool is literally so...
-Whoo! Party!

-You guys are the only people that...
-Come on, guys!

-Oh, come on, Larsa!
-Come on!

You're in a unitard!
You're basically in a swimsuit.

Whoo!

Yeah, Larsa!

[laughter]

Whoo!

[upbeat music playing]

[Scott] Oh, look at this!

-[Kris] I'll get the scooter. Oh, yeah.
-[Scott chuckling]

Mason.

-Wait, how do you work this?
-[Scott] You're fine. Just gas it.

-[Kris] This is kind of amazing.
-[Scott] You're k*lling it.

This is the best Costco trip
I have ever had.

[Kris laughs]

Come on, Mason. Let's go.

Lovey's gonna show you
how it's done, in style.

I wanted to show Scott,
like, what it would be

to find a bunch
of really cool stuff to go camping.

[Kris] I'm prepared.
I'm like a Girl Scout.

Are you planning on setting up
your own tent?

Oh, no.

[Kris] Do they have, like, a portable TV?

We could use a portable TV
for, what, camping?

-For inside the tent.
-No,

this is supposed to be like
a rugged men's campout.

[Kris] Wait, do we need any, like, chairs?

-[Scott] No! We're camping.
-What if we get...

Look, why don't we get
these lounge chairs right there

and you can put the sleeping bag...

-You're supposed to sleep on the floor.
-What? Oh, my God.

Sleeping bags first, people.
I got an agenda here.

Mason, Mason, look at the surfboard.

[Mason] Yeah! That's exactly what I need.

Oy. I can't do this.

Scott might've envisioned
something a little more manly,

but I have something
a little more comfortable in mind.

[Khloé] Yeah, right.
Like, what's he gonna do out there?

Come on.

-I know.
-Like, he wouldn't know what to do.

[Scott] All right,
should we go over the checklist?

-[Kris] Yeah.
-[Scott] We need blankets, pillows,

outdoor fire pit, a fire extinguisher.
We need a barbecue lighter.

Then we need snacks,
soda, chips, cookies, hot dogs...

-[Mason] Video games!
-...hamburgers, s'mores.

[Mason] Video games.

Oh, and then, that's random.
We have video games on here.

-Okay.
-[Mason] Yay!

[Kris] Look it! Here's a tent!

[Scott] Okay, fine.
At least we're getting somewhere.

So, we need this.

-[Scott] What the heck is going on here?
-[Kris] We need lounge chairs.

-This is perfect.
-[Scott] That...Okay, now you're thinking...

-For s'mores.
-Grab four of those.

And then there's, like,
a little table for my coffee.

-[Scott] All right.
-Two-person air bed.

Marty, come on here
and try this mattress, please.

I got the air beds.

[Scott] Oh, that's luxurious.

This is a good cooler.
We're gonna need this.

-[Kris] Scott!
-[Scott] Hold on.

-We got that.
-[Mason] And it's a launching pad.

-[Kris laughing]
-[Scott] Lay down.

All right, should we go on to snacks?

-Hungry, fella?
-[Mason] Yeah!

[Scott] There you go.

-Did you get... Oh, no.
-[rattles]

-Oh, dear.
-Dad, I need another bag.

[Kris] Uh-oh!

Cleanup on aisle five!

Cleanup!
[Kris laughs]

[light music]

[line ringing]

-[Francis] Hi, Kim.
-Hey.

-Hi, how is it?
-It's amazing.

But, wait, can you talk for a sec?

-[Francis] Hello? What is it?
-Hey.

Can you hear me?

[Francis] Yeah, no, I can barely hear you.

Ugh, can you hear me now?

[Francis] Yeah, I can hear you now.
How are you, sweetie?

I'm good. I ju... I just have anxiety.

Are you sure it's safe here?

[Francis] Yeah, Kim. It is safe there.
I promise you.

Look, I went through the same thing.
I promise you it's safe.

-Do you pro...
-[Francis] Listen, I have my kids there.

It's safe.

Ever since Paris, I've just,
like, go through this, like,

worst-case scenario mode in my head.

I was so excited to come on this trip.

And I had no idea
that I was gonna end up feeling this way.

But it, like, hit me right
as we were getting off the plane

that all of these people at the airport

are gonna see, you know,


and, you know, Louis Vuitton this.

And it just, like, hit me,
like, we're the biggest target ever.

I'm just like, "Why did I come?" You know?

[Francis] No, Kim. Kim, I'm serious.
I went through it.

Hey, I understand exactly
how you feel right now.

Look, take a deep breath and visualize
how many times you've been there before

and how safe it's been.

-I know.
-[Francis] Okay?

You were there on your honeymoon.
You've never felt unsafe there.

You've always felt very safe there.

[Kim] I'm gonna just say
for my own peace of mind.

I'm gonna fly out,
like, four more security

just to, like, stay outside my room
when I'm sleeping.

I know it sounds crazy, but I just,
like, can't sleep at night, you know?

[Francis] I can tell you you're safe,
but you have to make yourself feel safe.

-Yeah.
-You know and I would just...

Calm down, I would remember,
you know, your daughter.

You walked your daughter
on the beach all the time.

-Yeah.
-You know?

-Now think back to those times.
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-You're home.

[Kim]
Okay, I'll call you later if I need you.

-Okay, love you. Bye.
-[Francis] Okay, bye.

[Kim] I called Joe, who owns the house.

And he had a really awful situation
where he was kidnapped.

He just, like, really calms me down

and lets me know, like,
it's okay to feel upset and anxious,

and just we have to work through it.

And just allow yourself the time
to cry it out for a minute,

and then just, like,
get yourself together.

-Are you feeling okay?
-[Kim] Yeah.

[Kourtney] What did Joe say?

He, like, was like...

He's like, "Seriously,
I totally understand how you feel.

Like, I've been through this
and this is my safe place."

I just feel like, with all those,
like, officials at the airport,

and they saw all these dumb girls,

and they were thinking we're gonna
just be wasted all night long

-and not care, and, like...
-Yeah.

Then that's the time that they'll come
and get us, when we're all wasted, or...

-You know what I mean?
-Mm-hm.

So now I'm, like,
nervous to, like, drink or like...

I don't know.
I'll be fine. I'll get over it.

[Kim] I honestly might take a nap.

[upbeat music]

[screams]

-Hey! Hi!
-[indistinct dialogue]

[Francis] I really wanted you to come.

[Kourtney] Oh, my God, it's so fun!

What are you drinking?

-Beer.
-[indistinct dialogue]

You know Larsa.

Oh, of course! Hey, Larsa.

I'm not even drunk anymore.

I need a marg.

-Cheers, guys.
-Larsa.

-Happy birthday, Kourtney!
-Happy birthday, Kourt!

-[Kourtney] Yes, yes, yes.
-[woman] Oh, my God. Whoo!

[indistinct dialogue]

-[camera clicks]
-[upbeat music continues]

[woman whooping]

-[Jen] Is it okay if we sit?
-[Stephanie] Yeah, sit down.

-[Jen] Should we go eat?
-[Kourtney] Do we want to sit?

[woman] I'm starving.

[Kourtney] Well, then let's sit!

-[indistinct dialogue]
-[woman shouts]

-[Stephanie] Where's Jen?
-[Jen] I'm right here!

-Is this gonna mess up my hairstyle?
-[Jen] No, you're fine.

-[Stephanie] This is so pretty.
-[Kim] Hi.

-[woman] Whoo!
-[Nicole] Oh, these hats are cool.

All right, does everyone
have a sh*t in their sh*t necklace?

[Nicole] No! I'm punished. I have to...

Nicole is banned from doing the sh*t
until we catch up to her level.

-One, two, three. To Kourtney!
-One, two, three.

-[Nicole] To Kourtney, happy birthday!
-[women cheering]

You guys, I think I have a hashtag
for the whole trip.

[woman] What is it?

-[woman 2] Moms gone wild?
-Moms gone wild.

[laughter]

-Yes on everything.
-Or, or...

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry. That's not it.

-MILFs gone wild.
-[women whooping]

Wild!

I've definitely, like,
been trying to not make this about me

and get my anxiety together,

because it's so much fun
to see Kourtney like a MILF gone wild.

And all of her friends, just, like,
dancing and drinking and having fun

and just, like,
letting loose without kids.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[women whooping]

-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-[Kourtney] Oh, my God.

-♪ Happy birthday, dear Kourtney ♪
-Do I really blow this?

-[woman] Happy birthday!
-♪Happy birthday to you ♪

[Kourtney] Oh, my God!

[women whooping, cheering]

[Kourtney] Wait.
Do I really blow this out?

-[Kim] Yeah.
-[Kourtney] You do?

Let me try one.

[camera shutter clicks]

Okay, everyone out of my way.

-[Larsa] b*at it up. b*at it up.
-[indistinct dialogue]

[woman] Oh, she hit the thing!

[woman 2] Whoa!

[screaming and shouting]

[all] Kourtney's birthday dance!

[indistinct screaming]

-Kourtney?
-Yeah.

Did Scott message you or anything?

Uh...

Yeah, I think he...
Yesterday, he was with the kids.

[Stephanie] Did he say anything
about the vacay, or...

He just was like, "Send pics."

And I go, "My pics aren't appropriate."

[woman] What happened?

And he goes, "I just meant
of the house and the scenery."

And I'm like, "I don't have pics of that."

I'm like, "Sure,
'cause you haven't been here ten times."

[Kourtney] Yeah.

Oh, my God.
Someone got us walking on the beach.

[Kim] What?

When we took that walk down that way.

[Stephanie] I did not see anyone.

Oh, my God.

[suspenseful music]

-[Larsa] Are they good?
-No.

[Stephanie] The one with the three of us
walking out of the house...

-[bleep]
-I don't know where they are.

Like, I don't get it.

Like, I literally don't look like this.

I'm already having
this anxiety att*ck over security.

And I'm already just, like, on high alert,
and now paparazzi's found us.

It's, like, just the scrutiny that we get
all the time, we try to avoid that.

So, I thought, "Okay, I'm going on,
like, a private vacation, not posting."

I'm doing all the steps to try to be
as private and discreet as possible.

And then you take pictures,
and if they're not, like, perfect,

people just, like,
body-shame you and criticize you.

And, like, for people to just think
that's okay is so frustrating.

Ugh!

-Your body doesn't even look like that.
-I need to untag myself in everything.

I'm literally gonna go inside
and just start untagging.

[upbeat music]

[Stephanie] Kimberly,
do you want to come Jet Ski with us?

-[Kim] No.
-[Stephanie] You're sure?

I can't have fun after seeing those pics.

Like, uh, it's just wild.

Because, like, there's other pics
where I look so good,

and it's from a different angle.

It's, like, literally giving me,

like, body dysmorphia.

I'm getting crazy.

[Stephanie] If the pictures are flawless,
they would still say something.

[Kim] And I think
people think I'm so confident

and I'm so secure,
and I'm so this, and I'm not!

Like, I'm so insecure.
I just can't take it.

This is so frustrating.
I just came to chill out

and not worry about anything.

And it's just been, like...

Sorry, but, like, the worst trip for me.

Why did I subject myself to come here?

-Next time, you won't be invited.
-I won't. I won't.

[Stephanie] Don't search that stuff.

Oh, I'm just looking at my feed.
I'm not searching. I'm not trying.

[women laughing]

I seriously think
you should just like it, like, "LOL."

[woman] I am not trying...

-[woman 2] Yes!
-[woman 3] Oh, my God!

-Okay, I liked it and I'll comment.
-[woman] Yes. Comment.

Just be like, "LOL," like,
"I don't care. It's hilarious."

[Kim] Do I say LOL with a cry face?

[Stephanie] Yes,
like you're in on the joke.

You don't care
that they made you look like that.

-[Stephanie] Just write, "LOL."
-I just wrote, "Gorg."

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

What do you got, P?

[Scott] Wow. You're really
an outdoorsman, huh?

Hey, Scotty!

Let the camping trip begin!

-Are you drinking?
-Uh, is this a camping trip?

Yeah, you drink, like, hot chocolate,
not vodka on the rocks.

Vodka on the rocks is
the way I go camping.

This ain't Saint-Tropez, lady.

[Kris] Ooh.

-[kids babbling]
-[Kris] So, are you ready?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

[Scott] I'm not the biggest camper,
but I think

-I'm ready to get down and dirty.
-Do you love the tents my boys set up?

Yeah. I thought
you were gonna set them up.

I set mine up myself.

-It may not be as stable.
-[Kris] You set your own tent up?

Yeah.

Okay. So, these are our sleeping bags,
right?

And we had some pillows.
Oh, there they are.

[kids babbling]

Do we have any fur throws?

[suspenseful music playing]

You've got my 100% down sleeping bag
in there, don't you?

And my cashmere blanket.

-You're really roughing it.
-[Kris] Well, I go glamping.

Can someone bring me another cocktail?

Guys, can we chill out?

-[Mason] No.
-[kids babbling]

And then we can set this foot spa up.

-[Mason] I want to suck your blood.
-And do we have any portable heaters?

-Whoa.
-[Reign laughs]

We have a chef coming to make us dinner.

I thought this was the one-time
we were gonna rough it.

We are roughing it.
We're sleeping outside.

I've been camping plenty of times
the rugged way

and if you can do it the other way,
why not?

[Kris] And he wanted to rub
two sticks together, basically.

Scott couldn't rub
two dicks together if he tried to.

Like, come on.

Mase.

Let's do it ourselves
instead of Lovey hiring chefs.

[Mason] Yeah.

Let's get these wieners right.

[Kris] I just finished my hamburger.

What are you doing?

-[Mason] Making hot sausages.
-[Scott] I'm cooking that dog.

-[Mason] Making wieners.
-Oh, okay.

-[Kris] We could do some-mores on here.
-[Mason] S'mores.

Camping is some-mores.

-"Some-mores"?
-Some-mores, that's about it.

-Just some-mores.
-S'mores.

S'mores.

-Like...
-Memoir. Mem-o-oir.

-S'mores.
-S'mores.

-Mm-hm.
-Okay.

-Oh, my. Look at this monstrosity.
-[Reign groans]

-Are you ready for this?
-Yeah.

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Because this looks ridiculous!

Mm-mm.

[Kris] Yummy, right?

[upbeat music]

[Kim] Hey.

-[Joyce] Come on, ladies. Group pic.
-[woman] Does everyone gonna fit or not?

We got it.

[photographer] Say one, two...

[camera shutter clicks]

[Kim] Wait. Bitch stole my look? Same...

[woman] What? A little, a little bit.

[glass clinking]

Hey, you guys. I just wanted
everyone to raise their glasses.

Happy birthday.
Thank you so much for having us.

[all cheering]

Cheers to the birthday girl. Thank you.

[excited chatter]

[phone ringing]

Oh, saved by the bell.

-Hey, Mom.
-Hey. What are you doing?

We're having the best time.
I threw up last night four times in my bed

and slept in it
because I could not get up.

-That's gross.
-[Kourtney] Are you guys having fun?

We are. We just had a barbecue.

[Kourtney] Oh, fun. Are you guys
gonna be up all night?

Who knows? We're just wild.

We just hope
that we don't throw up in our beds.

-[Kourtney] Yeah. You better be careful.
-[Kris laughs]

I think we're gonna go to bed soon,
to be honest.

[Kourtney] Okay.

-We're almost done.
-Is Scott gonna sleep there?

I think so, yeah.

[Kourtney] Thanks for hanging out
while we're here.

-All right, I love you guys.
-Love you. Bye.

How is it she's allowed
to throw up in bed,

and I, like, have to go to rehab
if I do something like that?

You know, the last thing I want to do
is really hear exactly what Kourt's doing

on this Mexican getaway.

Obviously, Kourtney having a good time
makes me happy.

Of course, in the back of my heart
and mind, I get a little jealous

because I think that, "I wish we
could have had some of those type of times

when we were together."

And now that we're not,
I want her to have fun,

but I want to be able to do my own thing
and not be occupied in what she's doing.

So, I'm just gonna walk away.

[Scott] I'm going to bed.

-[Kris] Why?
-[Scott] Good night.

[lively music]

I can't believe you guys danced all night.

No, we literally stayed up till,
like, 3:30.

I was like,
"I wish I could have a quesadilla."

And Sarah was like, "You can.
It's your birthday." Then I had one.

Imagine being totally sober, lying in bed,
hearing "Despacito" 35 times in a row.

-Yeah.
-And people breaking things, falling over.

I don't think people were breaking things.

We were just dancing,
having, like, a major dance party.

-[Kourtney] Yeah!
-[Kim] To the same song 35 times.

Yeah. The dance moves were wild.

-[indistinct chatter]
-Bye, guys!

[all] Bye!

I am leaving Mexico early
just because I have work to do,

so I was always planning on leaving
a day earlier than everyone else.

But I'm kind of relieved.

Sorry. I know it's your birthday,

but I'm sure you're relieved
to have a "funner" day without me.

I... Is funner a word?

More fun.

[Kourtney] I'm shocked
that you even came in the first place,

so you were a good sport.

[upbeat music]

[Kim] Cute.

[Jen] Kim, what did I say? What did I say?

-Jen!
-[laughs]

I don't know how I feel about this.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna filter it,
so it just looks cooler and not so basic.

[Kim] Cute.

-Des... Desperados.
-Desperados.

I don't mind the picture and stuff,
but I have such anxiety...

just going places.

I think it's, like, becoming a condition,
because it's not like I...

I get it. Like, I'm in the spotlight.

People... If you go out in public,
people can take pics.

It's not that annoying part.

It's just that I don't want it
to be said that, "Kim was here.

Kim went to this, you know,
restaurant or Kim went here."

I just don't want to be
in the mix the way that I used to.

How desperate I was, like, going
to every restaurant every night,

-like, only wanting to be seen.
-[woman laughing]

Knowing that all the TMZ cameras
were there.

So, I'd, like, run, flock to those places.

-I would be like, "Oh, Katsuya."
-[indistinct dialogue]

I know there's paparazzi here.
"Oh, I got my makeup done

I'm going out tonight.""

-I was, like, so hungry for that.
-[indistinct dialogue]

And now even Kanye's like,
"Let's go out to dinner."

And I'm like, "I can't. I can't."

Like, I don't... I just...
I can't enjoy myself.

And I feel like
I've got to get out of my shell.

[Kim] But I don't want to.
I like living this more chill life.

[tense music playing]

[Jen] Yeah, but don't you feel,
like, you earned this chill life?

For years, you guys have, like,

people just constantly expecting
so much from you.

Just, like, wanting,
like, so much from you.

I don't know how you've dealt with it.
Like, it's a lot.

It kind of makes you be,
like, socially, like, awkward.

Like, it makes you,
like, have social anxiety.

I've become socially awkward for sure.

I am so afraid of everything.

You know, dealing with anxiety, pressure,

you know, things that I've never
really dealt with before.

And I really am not as, like,
open and out there as I used to be.

I just don't like to be in the mix,
and that's just so not like me.

But maybe it's good.

[Jonathan] Why are you sitting
like you're on a slide?

Because these jeans don't fit me.

-Are you serious?
-And I can hardly sit.

You walk around the house
with jeans that don't fit you?

I'm trying to break them in.

-Oh, cause I didn't understand...
-I want to fit them.

...why you were sitting like
you were gonna, like, slide down.

-[Jonathan] Like an amusement park.
-[Kim] I want to fit them.

[Kim chuckles]

Tell me about Mexico.
What was going on there?

You guys had, like, a free-for-all.

-That was like a sorority rush.
-It was a sorority.

-What the hell possessed you...
-Honestly, I...

-...to go to a trip like that?
-I don't know.

I was waiting for piñatas
to come out, I'm not kidding.

-Like, what the hell was going on there?
-Oh, there was.

There was a piñata?

There was, like, crazy piñatas.

It was a [bleep] show.

With, like, dildos in them.

When you...when you'd hit it,
they would come out. It was crazy.

But this is not an engagement party.
I don't understand.

It was like a bachelorette party,
a sorority party, a...

-Sweet 16.
-...hazing party, a sweet 16,

-...a quinceañera all in one.
-[Jonathan] What the... Right. Oh.

I saw the snaps
and that trip looked insane.

Yeah.

I don't want to bring up
the elephant in the room.

[Jonathan chuckles]

Not you.
You're not the elephant in the room.

-But what the hell happened with those...
-I am.

-That's me.
-What was wrong with those pictures?

First of all, I've seen you on the bea...

I've been on the beach with you,
like, a thousand times.

-I know your body doesn't look like that.
-I always have cellulite on my thigh,

on my one thigh,
and I always, like, cover it.

No, I know that you have cellulite,

but it doesn't look like it looked
in those pics.

That was like "Rocky Mountain High."

I swear to God,
it was like, I was like, "What is..."

'Cause that's not your ass. I saw...
I think I saw Abe Lincoln on your ass.

-I don't know what was going on.
-It literally didn't make sense.

I was so upset. 'Cause I was like...

"That's just not what I look like."

[tense music]

It can really, like, hurt your soul
if you hear enough bad things about you.

-Even if you know...
-People are bullies.

...you don't look like that.

It could just be like,
"Oh, wait a minute, do I?"

And, like, the last thing I want is

to have, like, a complex
because people were so nasty.

And they're so excited to be nasty

-so fast.
-That's what it is.

-They're so excited to bring you down.
-They're waiting for anything bad.

[Jonathan] I think you should,
like, forget about it.

I know you tend to get into, like,
a different mood

and, like, start thinking about it.

-[Kim] Yeah.
-But, like, everybody loves you.

-You look amazing.
-It's just Kanye's not going

to the Met this year,

just 'cause he just is
loving chilling out and taking time off.

[Kim] And so I feel like,
"Ugh, should I just chill out, too?

Should I just not go?" Like...

Well, and don't make that decision
based on these pics for you.

Not everybody's working together to, like,
take you down, you know what I mean?

So you need to, like,
just pick your head back up.

[Jonathan]
I think you should go to the Met.

[Kim] The theme is just so over the top.
Like, avant-garde, Comme des Garçons.

And they're just, like, so...

Big. And then it'll be like,
"She's hiding under all that stuff."

You become insecure once you start
seeing so many bad things about you.

It's like do I even want to put myself
in a situation like going to the Met Ball?

Feeling insecure and wondering, like,
"Am I gonna look skinny?"

You know? "Are they gonna like my dress?
What's going on?"

Like, you know, I don't know.

I just don't know
if I want to be put in that position.

[Jonathan] Stop worrying about
what everybody thinks.

It's so crazy.

[upbeat music]

I wonder where Scott ever put the chair
I got him for Christmas.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-I know, right? How was Mexico?
-This is cool.

Isn't that beautiful?
There's three different covers.

[Kourtney] It was...

really, really
the best four days of my life.

-Yeah? You had fun?
-Yeah, we really had the best time ever.

I don't think you should actually
Instagram or put on social media

that you got so sick that you threw up,
and then went to sleep in it.

-[Kourtney] Why? It was so funny.
-It's not funny.

-[Kourtney] Yes, it is.
-No, it's not.

I feel like, on social media lately,
everyone takes themselves so seriously.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-And I'm over it.

-Well, I'm glad you had fun.
-How was the...

-How was the camping day?
-Camping was good.

-I think the kids had fun.
-[Kourtney] How was Scott?

[Kris] I think that he was jealous

because you were having fun,
spending time with other people.

-[Kourtney] Well, that's really not fair.
-[tense music playing]

It's just like I can't even live my life.
I can't even go anywhere.

[Kourtney] He needs to get a [bleep] life
and leave me alone.

And he... all he does is try
to make everybody else feel bad for him.

And to make... try to make me look
like the bad guy in the situation,

when clearly I'm not,

from, you know,
ten years of this going on.

Wouldn't you be sad
if he truly left you alone?

You always want what you can't have,
and when somebody's right there

-giving you their heart on a platter...
-He's not. He's not though.

-If he was, that was one thing. He's not.
-[Kris] That's not his story.

No, Mom, that's what he makes it seem
to you, to Kim,...

-He does.
-...to Khloé to the world, to everybody.

He sits there and grovels
and feels bad for himself.

So, if that was his truth,
why can't he get it together?

I have to handle it
when he's out photographed, you know...

-Yeah.
-...with a different hooker every day.

He's clearly doing his own thing.

Brittni told me yesterday about, like,

five different girls
that he's hooking up with.

-[Kris] What?
-Yeah.

He tricks all of you guys
to think he's do...

-[Kris] Wow.
-...he's sitting at home like a saint,

praying to the Bible.

Well, then I think you guys should just
agree to have a different relationship

and both of you move on.

So I think it's actually a good idea

that you don't take
any more family trips right away,

because he seems to hold on
to those trips as a way of...

Or he thinks you're, perhaps,
gonna get back together with him.

-And he does it every single time.
-But the other thing is, like, I'm like,

"Is he doing the trip
so that most guys in the world,

like, think that we're together?"

-[Kris] Maybe.
-'Cause, honestly, like...

-Maybe that's an insurance policy.
-...a lot of people think so.

[Kris] Well, I think you got
to figure it out and make it work for you.

And you want to go out and be single.

Then, on the other hand, you got to go out
and be single if he's never gonna change.

He's showing that he's never gonna change.
Why can't he get his life together?

Oh, man.

I feel like, for so many years,
I've been worried about,

like, my actions setting off Scott,

which I think is not a healthy way
to live my life.

Because at the end of the day, like,
he is doing what he wants

and he's not concerned about, you know,
how it might make me feel.

[Kourtney] I'm sick of being, like,
just the stable one who, like,

I'm not gonna go do anything crazy.

I think it just feels good
to not have to worry about...

like, anyone else and just do
whatever I want and live my life.

-[Khloé] On the next episode...
-Cheers to that.

[Kris] I love you.

[Khloé] Oh, this is so fun!

-We're having fun.
-[Kris] I'm drinking a lot.

[Kris laughs]

Kourt has been out
on the dating scene recently.

-Did you wash your face today?
-No.

[Khloé] The walk of shame right there!

[Kim] I think just knowing
that all eyes are on you,

when you're walking up those stairs
is really intimidating.

[Kim] Oh, my God,
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.