02x05 - It's Coming From Inside the House

[bunniefuu]

Okay. This is not a big deal, Val.

[BREATHES IN AND OUT] I got this.

[GASPS]

Hey there. I'm Val. What's your name?

No name, huh? Hmm.

I'll call you Robert. It's
like robot, but with an "ert".

Hmm, maybe making Avani
laugh was just a fluke.

[BREATHES IN AND OUT]

So your file was empty. [GASPS]
Wait! What's your favorite sport?

Um, look, Robert, I'm playing
soccer. Or is it football?

- [VAL GRUNTS]
- [ROBERT LAUGHS]

And now basketball. She sh**t!

And she's denied.

The crowd goes wild!
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! All right, Val!

[LAUGHS]

So I got a report about a possible 1303.

- Another leaky canister? Hey, what is that?
- Huh?

It's the weekend. No
one should be in there.

I mean, honestly, it's the
weekend, we shouldn't be here.

[ROBERT LAUGHS]

VAL: And now, dodgeball!

- [LAUGHS]
- [GRUNTS]

[GASPS] I'm out.

Go on without me. Don't
forget what you saw here today.

Huh. She in your class?

- Not yet.
- That's why she's so funny then, huh?

- [LAUGHS]
- Wow, Robert, you're laughing really hard.

- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

- Ha! [GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS]

[YELPS] Oh, my gosh, I
k*lled Robert! [GASPS]

Mr. Sullivan and Mr.
Wazowski? I-I-I didn't mean to.

I shouldn't even be here!
Uh, uh, this never happened.

I'm so sorry. Goodbye!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

I've heard of laughing your
head off, but this is ridiculous.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

It was a gray winter morning.

The ceiling fan was slower
than a government employee

on a Friday before a three-day weekend.

But all I could think about was
the case of the leaky canister.

Someone must have tampered with it.

Another mystery in this diseased
city full of corruption and secrets.

So, who is this saboteur?
And why is his name Tylor?

- [GROWLS]
- Don't you fret, sweet Roto.

Detective Duncan P.
Anderson's on the case.

- [SCREAMS]
- Sorry to interrupt.

We were just looking for a lamp.

Oh, there it is.

Cool! Yay, it comes with a free comb.

Yeah!

No, no, no, that's my mood lighting!

Oh, you nitwits ruined
my dramatic monologue.

I didn't think it was that dramatic.

SMITTY: Yeah, it was
totally lacking in subtext.

[GROWLING]

- Whoa!
- Oh, careful, Dad, careful.

Bernard, your sign is confusing.

It looks like you're selling stoops.

[CHUCKLES] No one's
gonna think that. Right?

- Erm...
- You know, Ma,

why don't you come down
and help, since part of this

is to make more room for you.

Mmm-mmm. I'm not selling
any of my valuables.

I'm only here temporarily until
I can get back to Creaking Acres

and watch Wheel of Misfortune
without you guessing all the answers.

[SIGHS] I told you already, Ma,

the retirement home
doesn't want you back.

You got kicked out.

Well, actually, I found some
things we can get rid of.

Hey, that's my shoehorn. My
monogrammed handkerchiefs!

My heart medication! [GRUMBLES]

Uh, I'd like to buy the
stoop, please. She's a beaut.

GRANDMA TUSKMON: [CHUCKLES] Told ya!

[GROANS] Oh!

- [HUMMING]
- MARILYN: Oh, look at this. This is so nice.

- Oh, Marilyn.
- MARILYN: Morning, Mildred.

- [GROWLING]
- Now, now, Chauncey, be nice. You're so picky.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Ah, Chauncey.

Wow, look at this. Another beautiful
weekend for another stoop sale.

I'm just so excited to see

what wonderful treasures
that you're offering today.

[CHUCKLES] Well, wait,
of course, you know,

Chauncey is always looking for

low, low, low, low prices, but
you know, don't you mind him.

Can you two just give us one
more sec to finish setting up?

- MARILYN: Oh, wow. Look at this...
- Or don't wait.

Not like we live in a
society with structure,

or rules or anything. [CHUCKLES]

[GASPS] Scare Cards. Chauncey, look.

No bent corners, no creasing,

and the gloss is perfectly preserved.

Ah, [CLEARS THROAT] oh.

Oh, well, you know, Chauncey
says he's seen better,

but honestly, I think this
collection is absolutely lovely

and we'd like to put
a hold on it, please.

Like I said, we're not
open yet, but Tylor!

- Well, we'll give you...
- [CHAUNCEY GRUMBLES]

- Three dollars for it.
- Three dollars? That's it?

[CHAUNCEY GRUMBLES]

I mean, Chauncey is the
breadwinner after all.

Hey, Ma, what's a... Is that
my Scare Card collection?

- MARILYN: Oh!
- Mom, this is not for sale!

I asked you to pick things
out to sell, but you didn't.

I just haven't gotten to it
yet. I've been waiting for Val.

She was supposed to be here
early to help me go through stuff.

Go to your room and don't come
back until you've filled this up.

We have too much stuff in this house.

Hmm, sellable or not sellable?

- FRITZ: I'll give you 50.
- Fifty? Oh, huh.

[CHUCKLES] Chauncey says
it's not worth that at all.

Oh, you are so right. I'll give you 100.

What?

Uh, sir, I'm not sure if you know
this, but the point of haggling

is to get the price down.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, at least
th-that's what he says.

Well, it's worth it to me. I
love things that are pre-loved.

- Oh-ho! Me too!
- Every item here has a history.

Even this history book has history.

Woo-hoo! You know, I have
quite a strange history.

How much for this? I haven't
hit my deductible yet.

Our health insurance plan is no bueno.

And we're open now.

[HONKING] Sorry I'm
late. I was at the office,

but I'm here now and I brought
a ton of stuff for you to sell.

- ROGER: Let's have a look here.
- A yoga mat

from when I was a yoga instructor,

a chainsaw from my juggling days,

knives from when I sold knives.

- How much for the Kn*fe?
- These can cut a penny in half...

- [ALL GASP]
- ... and then delicately slice a tomato.

Gimme that, gimme that, gimme that!

Mama needs this.

If you look up "amazing" in the
dictionary, it's in that box.

Oh, thanks for all this,
hon. Really appreciate it.

Tylor's inside clutching his memories.

Could you please help him let go?

On it, Mrs. T.

I left headquarters to follow my
own lead that the saboteur was Tylor.

The fool's stoop sale allowed
me to go through his things,

see if he was selling not just
his stuff, but his very soul.

I knew it would be dangerous,
[CHUCKLES], of course.

I was in a seedy part
of town. [CLEARS THROAT]

Mother loves Duncan
always. [CACKLES] Eh...

So I went incognito in
a brilliant disguise.

I felt like a million.
No one would recognize me.

- CUTTER: Hey, Duncan. Is that your mom's coat?
- [GASPS]

- Great to see you, pal.
- Curses! The jig is up.

Okay, I'll hold up an item

and if it makes you feel
sparkly inside, we'll keep it.

- [CHUCKLES]
- If not, it goes in the box.

Yeah, got it. This will be easy.
I almost never feel sparkly.

- Okay, how about this?
- Huh!

- I actually feel a little sparkle. Let's keep it.
- Okay.

- How about this? Whoa!
- Terrifying Terry and Terry Perry,

one of the top ten Scarers of all time?

Um, I'm feeling pretty
sparkly. Keep and keep.

Huh. All righty. These
expired old phlegm drops?

[GULPS] Oh!
[RETCHES AND COUGHS] Disgusting.

- [CLEARS THROAT] In, like, a sparkly way. Keep.
- What?

[GASPS] Tuskmon Hardware?

Hardware is my favorite
category of retail.

Besides automotive aftermarket
accessories, of course.

Would you be so kind as to
let me slink around a bit?

- Of course, sweetie.
- Come on, I'll take you over.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, this day
just keeps getting better.

Okay, solid steps, a firm
tread. How much for the stoop?

GRANDMA TUSKMON: That's two. [CACKLES]

"Okay, Duncan," I said to myself.

The saboteur tampered with the canister,

and my instincts told me that
the only way to gain access to it

is with a key to the holding pen.

When I realized Tylor's
parents owned a hardware store

where he could make a copy of
the key after he stole it, [YELPS]

I had him, yes, like mother had
me with my emotionally unavailable

but physically very present father
in the sweltering heat of July.

But I had to be sure. I needed
a sign. Do they make keys?

Huh? Are you talking to me?
'Cause if you are, yes, we do.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Oh, my gosh, don't tell
me you've got spray paint.

- Oh, you do. This is the dream! [GIGGLES]
- [SIGHS] Really?

Well, it's time to paint
me a story, Bernard.

It all started decades ago when
I saw a need in the marketplace,

- so I said to myself, "Keys."
- Well, have you ever seen this key?

Oh, pff, boy, I'm not sure.

You know, to be honest,
I make a lot of copies.

Even ones like this that
say, "Do not duplicate"?

No, I would never break
that sacred key-copying vow.

And does your son Tylor take
the rules so seriously? Huh? Huh?

All right, I think I'm ready
to check out. [GASPS] Wait...

Right, now I'm ready.

[GASPS] You also make keys?

- Ah, I have keys that need copying.
- You want some staples?

His father sang like a canary,

confirming my brilliant suspicion.

Tylor must have stolen the key.

If I can find said key, it'd
be the key to solving the case.

Now, if only I had a key to his house,

so that I could search for the key.

Oh, I've said key so many times
it's starting to sound kinda funky.

Fun-key. Key. Key?

GRANDMA TUSKMON: Bernard!
This phone isn't working.

And what if Creaking Acres is trying
to call me about moving back in?

BERNARD: How many times
do I got to tell you...

Then suddenly, there she was.

She glided down the
stairs and into my life,

and she had skin that sagged for days.

This thing is broken too. Don't you
have a tool around here to fix it?

Ma, I'm busy with a very
enthusiastic customer right now.

With Bernard distracted,
here was my chance.

[CLEARS THROAT] You know, I've been
known to fix things now and again.

And I've been known to break
things now and again. Like hearts.

- [GROANS] And my hip.
- Yeah, let me just try one thing, yeah?

Ha! [CACKLES]

Would you look at that?

How nice to have a useful
monster around here.

Come on, baby.

- Phone's upstairs.
- [YELPS]

Oh, bumpy!

Let's see what we got. Okay.

Actually, I was wearing that
when I got my acceptance letter

to the School of Scaring at MU. So...

- So...
- Keep.

I'm noticing a pattern here.

So much of this stuff is
still your Scaring stuff.

[SIGHS] It's been my dream for so long.

Ever since I was little, I've
always wanted to be a Scarer.

It's just that it's hard
to say goodbye to it all.

I saved up all my lunch money
for these Johnny and Sully cards.

And I survived on water
fountains and Hot Snots alone.

I have to say, I really
admire how focused you are.

I've always bounced from thing to thing,

but I never really found my passion.

I mean, just this morning,

I thought I might have
found what I was good at,

but I'm afraid it's not gonna work out.

Yeah, I hear you.

But enough about me
and my boring thoughts,

am I right? [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

- I am here to help you.
- Ah, look at this one. Howling Javier Rios.

[CHUCKLES]

Broken phone, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, let's, uh, let's
see what we've got.

All right. Let me just
try something. [GRUNTS]

Ah, yes, yes, yes. [GRUNTS]

Oh, I'm, I'm covered
in sweat from the work.

You should be good now, young lady.

Young lady? [CHUCKLES] Call me Virginia.

Virginia. Huh. What an angelic name.

You know, while I am here, though,

I do have some questions
about your grandson.

You wanna hear about Tylor?

[CHUCKLES] I'll tell
you all about Tylor.

[CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY]

GRANDMA TUSKMON: So, this was Tylor
at three months being an angel.

And this was Tylor at six
months being an adorable angel.

And this was Tylor at nine months
in a play, [CHUCKLES] as an angel.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, wow, what a
precious little miracle, huh?

[GASPS] I let Virginia get too close.

She's intoxicating, and
it's affecting my judgment.

Oh, it's a real shame
Tylor's not scaring.

He was so good at it.

I hope that's what his fancy
dinner date's all about.

Dinner date? When? With whom?

Tylor borrowed my husband's suit.

- Husband?
- Late husband.

- [WHISPERS] Back in the game.
- He was gonna talk to some bigwig.

- Now, scram! I gotta make a call.
- [YELPS]

And just like that, she
hobbled out of my life.

I guess you could say
we used each other.

But it was too late. Her hook had
caught me. It had caught me deep.

On the inside, I was crying like
rain streaming down a window.

But I still had a mission.

Hmm. [GASPS] I recognize this tie.

Of course, Fritz's party.

The leaky canister, the
cup, the missing key,

the mysterious dinner date,

and now this tie. It all led me here.

But the tie isn't enough
to tie Tylor to the crime.

I needed hard evidence,
evidence in the shape of a key.

What? No, I did not know that. Bernard!

- You liar!
- Now what, Ma?

I was just on the phone
with Creaking Acres.

Ma, let's not do this here.

You told me they kicked me out

because I was too loud
and too opinionated,

but that's not the truth.
Well, I am both those things,

but that's not why I was kicked out.

Dad? Grandma? What's going on?

Your cheapskate father's
robbing me of my retirement home.

- That's not true.
- Then why?

[SIGHS] I told you already, Ma,

the retirement home
doesn't want you back.

- Why?
- Because we can't afford it.

[ALL GASP]

There you go. You happy now, Ma?
We can barely afford our rent.

- [ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
- I'm just gonna leave them a 20.

[SIGHS]

[GASPS]

And watching them go,
and careful... [GRUNTS]

No, you're right, Chauncey. We
should've gone to the estate sale.

- Dead rich people really do have the best stuff.
- [CHAUNCEY GRUMBLES]

I don't think we'll
find any good deals here.

Why don't you bring the car
around and I'll meet you.

[CHAUNCEY SNARLS]

- TYLOR: Uh...
- Yes?

- How much did you say you would pay for this?
- [GASPS]

Hon, what are you doing? You said
you didn't want to sell those.

Oh, dear Mildred, I really feel so
badly about your family's situation.

So what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna raise our offer

from three dollars to... Yes,
Chauncey. To three-sixteen.

[CHUCKLES] Three-seventeen.

Oh, that's such a good
boy. He's learning.

- [CHAUNCEY PURRING]
- See, we're not cheap.

Oh, that's cold. Looks
like Tylor needs backup.

- Whoa!
- [ALL GASP]

Look at all these rare Scare Cards.

Earl the Terror rookie card!

Hank "The t*nk" Knapp!

That's what I'm talking about!

VAL: Howling Javier Rios!

I don't collect Scare Cards,

but these are just so
knock-your-socks-off incredible.

- I'm gonna start.
- Not if I buy them first.

Outta my way, boys, Fritz's
corporate card will outbid you both.

- Oh, my gosh!
- FRITZ: Once a MIFTer,

always a MIFTer.

All right!

I'm starting the bidding at 100.

- One hundred?
- One hundred, who's got 100?

I got 100 in a large
amount of small change.

- Oh, don't make Chauncey laugh, please.
- [SNICKERS]

Well, that's too bad, lady,
'cause I'm bidding 200.

- Two hundred?
- I got 200, 200, thank you, ma'am.

But that's more than I paid for
Chauncey's gastric bypass surgery.

- Two hundred, 200...
- We'll do two...

Two-fifty, anybody got 250?

- Oh, I do. Pick me!
- Huh?

Two fifty over here, thank you sir.

You raised all your arms. Do I have 300?

- Any takers for 300?
- MONSTER: 300!

- Three-fifty.
- Oh, yeah!

Three fifty! Three fifty!
Anybody have four hundred?

Going once, going twice... One thousand!

- [ALL GASP]
- MONSTER: Oh, dear.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUMBLES]

Any other takers? No? Sold!

To the lady who was here three
hours before the sale started.

- Well, we'll take that.
- CHAUNCEY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay, okay, give it. Give it. Let go. Release.
- Sorry.

Just, uh, gotta [CHUCKLES]
loosen my fingers here. [GRUNTS]

[SIGHS] There you go. [EXHALES]

I hope you'll love it as much as I did.

Oh, we're gonna cherish this, darling.

Cherish it all the way to the bank.

We got a good find today, yes, we did.

Uh...

I'm proud of you for
letting go, Double T.

I mean, it took a
second, but we got there.

Who's my little profiteer, Chauncey?

Who's my little profiteer? You are!

Ta-da-da, oh! Oh, come on,
come on. What is all this junk?

Where are ya? Ha, ta, ta, ta.

In the drawers, in the drawers, nothing!

No, no, no, no, no, no... Come on,
come on. Where are ya? Ah, ah-ha!

No, no, no! What kind of keys are these?

Argh! Not a single one matches
my perfectly drawn sketch.

[YELLING] Curse you, Tuskmon!

Ah, nothing like a home-cooked
beastloaf after a good hard day's work.

Well, let's just see if this is
worth my special chewing teeth.

[MUNCHING] Mmm.

[GRUNTS] Don't we have a
Kn*fe sharpener somewhere?

Sold it! Great price too.

BERNARD: Hey, Ma. Yeah?

I'm sorry for lying
about Creaking Acres.

- I didn't want to worry you.
- Oh, it's all right, son.

You do things to protect your family.

I appreciate that.

Even if I did give
up my job as a Scarer,

to carry you in my womb for 11 months

and raise you to be the
tiny little monster you are.

[CHUCKLES] Uh... Thank you?

- Wait, what? You were a Scarer?
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.

I had a life before I was a grandma.

- [CHUCKLING]
- Did you think you got your roar from your dad?

[CACKLES] No offense, honey.

Oh, darn it! Lost my place.

Ooh, what was it like, Grandma T?

It was a great joy,
and I'm glad I did it.

Wow. And you gave it all up?

Were you scared? Did
you have any regrets?

The only scary thing
is living with regrets.

And my sweet Fabian always
supported my choices.

[CHUCKLES] He's still supportin' me now.

Aw, Grandpa T is in your heart?

No, his tusk is my cane.

- Aw!
- That's so sweet.

Hey, Mr. T, why don't
monsters eat clowns?

- [CHUCKLES] Why?
- Because they taste funny.

[CACKLES] That's a good one, Val!

You should be a jokester. [LAUGHS]

Tylor, thanks to your card collection,

we made enough money for a while.

But what about next time,
Mom? I mean, maybe I could...

- I don't know, maybe I could be making more money.
- Oh, sweetie.

The hardware store may be
struggling, but we'll get by.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] The only scary
thing is living with regrets.

DUNCAN: This monster city
is rife with corruption,

and unfortunately, it looks
like Tylor got away with it.

The case of the leaky
canister may be closed for now,

but my heart, my heart
has been cracked wide open.

She's guilty, Roto, of
burgling my affection.

At least Virginia and I will
always have the stairwell.

[GASPS] Remember to
pick up eggs for Mother.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]