03x12 - Mother's Day

[bunniefuu]

Melissa!

Hey, um, I have to supervise this quiz,

but if you see Mr. Johnson,

can you just let him know
that I may need a spare key?

I blanked where I put mine.

You better not lose our house key.

My cousin Billy just got out.

But sure, I'll tell him if I see him.

Hey, if you see Mr. Johnson,

can you tell him that
Jacob may need a...

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

Dia, tell Mr. Johnson
that Jacob needs to find...

[PENCIL SHARPENER WHIRRING]

Mr. Johnson?!

[SIGHS]

- Janine!
- Yeah?

Have you seen Mr. Johnson?

Before, yeah. Today, no.

If you do, can you let him know

- that Jacob desperately needs...
- MAN: Make some noise!

[AIR HORN BLARES OVER CELLPHONE]

Oh, my God. That sounds time-sensitive.

Okay, yeah.
I'll let him know right away.

MR. JOHNSON: There you are.

Wasn't easy, but I got you
a mariachi band for lesson time.

What? I said I may need a spare key.

I blanked where I put mine.

That's not what I was told.

Also, you need to clean
the upstairs bathroom.

This took a long time to put together.

[STRUMS GUITAR]

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

♪

Oh, they look so good.

Come on.

Mother's Day has become
very important to me

ever since I lost my mom
a few years ago.

I like to do something special
every year.

And this year, I'm in charge
of the hallway decorations,

so the students can show
appreciation for their moms.

- I think the moms are gonna love these.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, when I was a kid,
I always made sure

I did just enough to stay
in my mom's top five.

Top five? How many siblings do you have?

Hey, so I got my sisters
Kristin Marie, Marie,

Mary Camille, Maria Christina,

my sister Toni, my brother Tony,

John Anthony, and Seamus.

It's a different dad.

Barb, do you need me to bring
anything else to the house

on Sunday besides lasagna?

You know I handle everything
for Mother's Day.

And the only reason I'm letting
you bring the lasagna

is because Gerald
won't shut up about it.

If either of you
have a hankering afterward

for bottomless mimosas,
I will be at Mothered Day,

which is a themed drag brunch
over at Rubensteins,

celebrating all of our mothers.

Oh, I wish I could, kid,

but I'm going to my mom's after,
and I can't show up drunk.

- Mm.
- It's a family tradition.

On Mother's Day,
we get drunk as a family.

Especially Seamus.

So, Janine,
what about you and your sister?

Anything nice planned?

Oh, no, I'll be at drag brunch, also,

because my mom doesn't like
celebrating Mother's Day.

Says it's her least favorite holiday.

And my sister's gonna be
celebrating with her dad and stepmom.

Oh, you two have different dads?

[LAUGHS] Of course, they do.

You thought with that height difference

they had the same father? [CHUCKLES]

Janine's dad is probably
Kevin Hart or something.

[CHUCKLES] 'Cause he short.

[AVA LAUGHS]

So, unfun fact, I actually
don't know who my dad is.

I used to think about it a lot
when I was younger,

but then, you know, I guess
I just kinda stopped.

And I know Ava was joking,

but my mom did know
Kevin Hart in high school.

And we're both really funny.

So... mm.

Hey, Ava, um, please tell me
you got a chance

to go over the field trip options.

If we want to get
the Natural History Museum,

we got to move, like, ASAP because...

Oh. I forgot to tell you. Not happening.

We don't have money for a field trip.

So, what? We just cancel
the trip this year?

I would rather die.

My cousin Jamil just opened a cemetery.

This school always finds a way
to disappoint me.

Okay, that's not great.

Well, if you can figure out a
way to get money for a field trip,

then you won't have to
disappoint all of us.

Barb, you really nailed this.

- Thank you.
- What?

"Thanks, Moms"? What is that, sarcasm?

Find what matches.

That's how you know
what's gonna rhyme, okay?

Gregory.

Can we talk to you, please?

Uh, yeah.

Um, I'll be right back, y'all.

Um, is there something you need?

Every other class
has made touching tributes

to their mothers for the hallway.

And then I saw yours.

Oh, it left much to be desired.

Right, well, I told my students
they could participate

if they wanted to, and some of them did.

Oh. [SCOFFS] Typical guy.

You know, my brothers phone it
in for Mother's Day, too.

I mean, Tony's got an excuse.
He's locked up.

For a non-violent crime.

Don't you want all
of your students to participate?

I mean, think about it.

Wouldn't your mom be disappointed

if you didn't do something
special for her this year?

- Mm-hmm.
- Um... no.

Um, because my mom passed away
when I was 9.

Oh, Gregory.

I'm... I'm sorry. I-I didn't...

Why didn't you bring this up before?

There's not a lot of natural segues.

Like, "Oh, how was your weekend?"
"My mom d*ed when I was 9."

Okay, well, maybe not that,
but, you know, in that area.

And I know this holiday
must be difficult for you.

It's really okay. I usually
just stop by Topgolf.

It's Mother's Day,
so the dads are usually busy,

so I have the whole place to myself.

Mr. Eddie, Damien won't stop poking me.

Excuse me.

What's going on with y'all today?

- Barbara.
- Oh.

I cannot sit around knowing that
young man will be sad and alone

- at Topless Golf.
- Okay, I think it's Topgolf.

Well, either way, he should join
us for family brunch on Sunday.

- That is a great idea.
- Mm-hmm.

And you know what?
Actually, so is Topless Golf.

I mean, give me a warm climate,
I'm down for 18.

Hey, you got a sec?

Ava says we don't have
any money for a field trip,

but I mean, we can't just...
we can't just give up on it.

How do you start a GoFundMe?

Jacob, you don't think
height is genetic, do you?

I mean, like, no field trip this year?

That is... That really gets my goat.

We just need, like,
a little bit of coin and...

I mean, that'd be crazy if my dad, like,

sold out Madison Square Garden
for a comedy show.

Wait, you're not being serious, are you?

Ava was just being Ava.

Yeah, no, I know, but...

- my mom actually did know him, so...
- Oh, really?

Well, why don't you just
call her up and ask?

No, that's too bananas.

Unless...

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Why not?

- It is almost Mother's Day.
- Okay, you do that thing.

- I'm gonna get started on this thang.
- Okay.

[SIGHS]

[RINGING]

VANETTA: Hey, girl.
I'm just at the hair salon.

Oh, hey, Mom. You actually picked up.

Oh, girl, I gotta save you
as "daughter Janine."

I thought you were
"parole officer Janine."

I'm actually in Canada.

Sure. I'll just get to the point then.

Uh, Mom, you said
you went to high school

- with Kevin Hart, right?
- Sure did.

He was the star
of the basketball team.

He won the dunk contest
and everything.

Craziest [BLEEP] I've ever seen.

Yeah, that is crazy.

You two didn't, like, date,
right, or anything?

Date?! Girl, no. I would never.

[LAUGHS]

But we did [BLEEP] though.

Look, I gotta go.

Somebody is trying to put
gravy on my fries.

Now, hold up, Jack.
What is this "aboot"?

Look at us standing all nice and tall.

Proud of you.

You guys over here, don't stress.

Life, uh, finds a way.

Gregory, I see you
talking to your plants.

It's supposed to stimulate growth.

Well, I read that the ones
tended to the most

grow the strongest.

It's a delicate balance.

Over-watering and over-pruning
can sometimes smother a plant.

Well, I'm having
a Mother's Day gathering

at my home on Sunday,

and I would love it
if you would join us.

Oh, it's okay. Really. I'm good. Tha...

Oh, we're going to have
family and friends

and a spread that even you will enjoy,

and I won't take no for an answer.

Okay. Well, I'll be there.

Can I bring anything?

Please don't. [CHUCKLES]

Obviously, this means a lot
to Barbara, so I'll stop by.

Swing by. Fly by.

The point is, this is gonna be quick.

So, to find out if Kevin Hart
is actually my dad,

I'm contacting him on every platform,

starting with Venmo.

- Love that for us.
- Mm-hmm.

And you would think
I'd be requesting money.

But no. Actually,
I'm sending him a dollar.

Whoa, what the "H"?

I just got an e-mail saying
that the GoFundMe

for the field trip has been taken down.

"Due to constant fraudulent activity,

all fundraisers related
to 'Abbott Elementary'

have been suspended."

Damn, they shut it down already?

Abott with one B,
Abbottt with three T's,

and Addington are b*rned, too.

b*rned? Ava, what did you do?

What didn't I do?

You will never understand
what it takes to be a principal.

[SIGHS]

You could bust out
Janine Teagues Elementary.

No. No, that's stupid.

- Or is it?
- I can hear you.

But you can't stop me.

Jacob, why don't you just go
to this week's PTA meeting?

I mean, if they're gonna exist,

they might as well do something.

Oh.

Oh. [GASPS]

Oh, Melissa Schemmenti, you are good.

Yeah, what a surprise.

And, Janine, I don't know
how nuts you want to get here,

but I do know a guy
who knows Kevin Hart's barber.

I introduced him to his
wife. Well, now his ex-wife,

but technically, he still owes me.

We get some of his hair... run the DNA.

MR. JOHNSON: Barbers. I hate 'em.

Who do you think did this to me?

The worst barber of all... time.

Melissa, that is demented.

I love it.

Look, it drove my brother Seamus crazy

not knowing who his dad was.

That's why he drinks.
And other reasons, too.

And I don't want that for Janine.

Tariq, my man, my dude, my prez.

Hey, I was hoping we could talk funds

for a potential field trip.

Oh, what's up, Jacob?
Oh, wait. That sounds dope.

- I love going on those.
- So, you can help fund it?

Oh, no. Unh-unh.

[CHUCKLES] Not with human money.

We in the red, baby. Or the black.

Which one means a negative cash flow?

Is that... Is that sushi?

Come on, man. Don't disrespect
Mr. Yanaga like that.

You know damn well this is nigiri.

Don't you think you should
be prioritizing activities

that actually benefit the students?

Let me break this down for you.

We got to level up this food,

make the PTA a club
people actually wanna join.

Then boom.

We're gonna hit them with them
higher mandatory donations.

By 2027, quarter four,
we'll be profitable.

- Okay, well, I can't wait until 2027.
- Quarter four.

I was hoping to get something,
like, the end of this year.

Best I can offer is
some volunteer chaperones,

transportation, and kanpachi.

[SCOFFS]

Hmm. Get you one of these.

Good, ain't it?

Kanpai, Yanaga-san.

[GASPS] Welcome, Gregory.

I'm so happy you could make it.

Niecey, come down!

You know my husband.

Melissa, I told you I will handle that.

She's been like this all day.

Honestly, she's been like this
every holiday

- since her mom passed.
- I told you I got it.

Can you take the macaroni
and cheese out the oven?

Right. In a moment.

Everybody, please welcome Gregory,

who's going to be spending
Mother's Day with us

- because he had no place else to go.
- Not true.

I did have somewhere else to go
and still do.

He's going to be a part
of our family today

because there was no way
that I could let

a fellow child of bereavement

spend this day alone, isn't that right?

Aunt Barbara,
I need help with baby Maya.

Alright, niecey.

So sorry for your loss.

It's okay. It was over 20 years ago.

Are your family huggers?

No.

Well, we are here.

Oh, okay.

Mm.

Thank you.

Th-Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Taylor.

This is my ex, Gregory.

Gregory.

Nice to meet you.

And your grief is Paul's grief.

Oh, more touching. Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

♪ Quite another mess ♪

♪ And Mama used to say ♪

♪ "Take your time, young man" ♪

♪ And Mama used to say ♪

Hey, y'all are ruining
drag brunch for me.

I'm sorry. It's just that
any second, I could find out

if Kevin Hart is my dad.

It's giving me a heart att*ck.

Pun very much intended and pre-planned.

My fingers are crossed, girl.

'Cause I could finally pitch him
my idea for "Get Hard 2."

Pbht. Come on. You wouldn't make
a sequel to "Citizen Kane."

Move over.
There's no seats left anywhere.

Ava, what are you doing here?

My friend Lisa Condo
is the best drag queen here.

- Hey.
- Hey, girl.

Hey. Is your house hunt
dragging you down?

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Still no luck on the field trip, huh?
- How am I gonna

look the children in the eye
the rest of the year?

- I have failed them.
- Jacob, you have no money,

no help, and a hard-headed principal.

Cheer up. It's gonna get worse
before it gets worse.

[CHUCKLES]

What's wrong with you?

She waiting to find out
if Kevin Hart is her daddy.

Damn. My words really have meaning, huh?

[CHUCKLES] I should be more reckless.

Barbara, where do you keep the Clorox?

Baby Maya got sick.

I will get it in a second, Alicia,

but please take a seat.

Alright, everyone.

Before we feast,

we are going to lift up our
brother Gregory Eddie in prayer.

Mm-hmm. We'll put healing hands on him.

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
No, we don't need to do that.

BARBARA: Alright, please.

[SIGHS] Everybody, bow your heads,

and close your eyes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Father God, we are gathered
here to celebrate mothers,

and also to empower Gregory Eddie.

Yes, Lord. Mm.

Please, Father, watch over...

What was your mother's name?

- That's not necessary.
- Oh, sure, it is.

It was, um... Faith.

- Here we go.
- Mm. Faith.

Faith, the substance of things hoped for

and the evidence of things unseen.

Yes, Lord.

And just because he cannot see Faith

doesn't mean he doesn't have
faith that Faith is with him.

- Faith.
- TAYLOR: Ooh. Yes, Lord.

[WHISPERING] Um... I gotta go.

[WHISPERING] God is watching.

- Tee time.
- [WHISPERING] Close your eyes.

[NORMAL VOICE] Father God, we are asking

that you hold him close
in your deepest bosom,

since his mother is
not here to do it herself.

Yes, Lord, hold him tight, Lord.

[NORMAL VOICE] Amen.
Yes, Lord. Thank you.

There it is. Uh-huh.

This was great. Fantastic.

Thank you so much.

Uh... excuse me.

Gregory.

Gregory, where are you going?

I'm sorry. I appreciate everything.

Your family is lovely.

I wanted to stop by for a bit,
and I did.

Now I have to head off to Topgolf.

It's Mother's Day.
You need to be around community.

No, I need to be alone,
hitting golf balls.

- Oh, that's so sad.
- It's not.

Having to talk about my dead
mother over and over again is sad.

But we're honoring her. It's tradition.

It's your tradition, not mine.

Thank you for having me.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

♪ She's a bad mama jama ♪

Can you imagine if Kevin Hart is my dad?

Oh, no.

Are people gonna think I got
my job because I'm a nepo baby?

♪ She's a bad mama jama ♪
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Oh, my God. It's the DNA guy.

If he is your dad, you two
should buy a trench coat,

so you could go to R-rated movies.

Well, aren't you gonna open it?

- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Open the e-mail, Janine.

And read with some flair.

Okay.

"When it comes to 27-year-old
Janine Teagues, Kevin Hart...

is not the father."

Whoo! That's right.

Lock up that frown, doll.

The girls are doing kicks!

- Sorry, Janine.
- Sorry, girl.

I'll get us a round.

♪

And watch over Barbara, Lord.

She lost her mother some years ago.

Please bring peace to her troubled soul.

Mm-hmm. Let her grieve today.

- Hallelujah, amen.
- ALL: Amen.

- Now, let's dig in.
- MELISSA: Okay.

[TIMER RINGING]

- Oh, the pie!
- Let me help, Barb.

I got it, Melissa. I got it.

[RINGING STOPS]

Oh!

Ooh. I think it's overcooked.

It's perfect, Barb.

Something happen with Gregory?

No, he just had to go. That's all.

Mom, are you okay?

I'm okay.

Because, you know, today's a
lot for one person to shoulder.

And, Mom, today is about you, too.

If you need a moment,
just take a moment.

Yeah. We got this.

- Maybe you're right.
- Yeah.

Baby puke will be here
when you get back.

I'm kidding.
I'll have someone clean it up.

Sometimes we can put
an immense amount of pressure

on ourselves to host
the perfect gathering,

to feel a certain way.

And quite frankly, sometimes
it's just overwhelming.

You enjoying the show?

Definitely.

Oh, I... I only have fives left.

♪

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Well, if you enjoyed this,

you should come and check out
our performance

of "A Midsummer Night's Queen"

for our upcoming
Shakesqueer In The Park.

Entry's always free.

♪ Keep it coming, don't stop, mama ♪

♪ Give it to me ♪

♪

Hey, you was fine before you got

all this nonsense in your head, right?

Yeah, it's just it would've
been nice to finally know.

I don't know who my dad is,
and I turned out fine.

Literally, look at me.

[CHUCKLES] AVA: Exactly.

Janine, you'd rather have no dad

than a neglectful one.

- Trust me.
- ERIKA: True.

I mean, look at you.
How far you've made it?

How beautiful your best friend is.

Kevin Hart or any daddy
wouldn't have changed that.

Yeah. You're still Janine,
and that's not too bad.

You know, your parents
don't define who you are.

I'm happy, and I stand on my own.

I mean, I literally had to learn
how to stand on my own.

Houston, we have liftoff!

We are having a field trip!

- We're going to NASA?
- What? No.

Okay, what's the field trip?

Museums are nice, but kids
can have fun anywhere.

They don't need some expensive trip.

So, I was thinking
Smith Memorial Playground.

- It's free.
- Yes.

And schools take
field trips there all the time.

Ooh, that big wooden slide.
Okay, NASA can wait.

And Tariq said the PTA could chaperone.

Ha! I have figured it out.

Boom! I've done it again.

Is there no mountain too high?

Okay, the only problem is we
need to reserve it, like, now.

Oof! They are popular,

and we need to make reservations
for the entire school.

[GASPS] ERIKA: What you gonna do?

Maybe we could, like...
Ava, if you could...

Oh, no.

Attention, everyone!

[CROWD BOOING]

Queens unite!

Hi, everyone. [CLEARS THROAT]

Um, listen, we need your help
to reserve a park.

[CROWD GROANING]

Wait, wait! For... For children in need.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, everyone, get on your phones

and start reserving beaucoup slots

at Smith Memorial Playground,
and forward them over.

Yeah, you heard her!

If you wanna see these hip vibrations,

you better make them reservations.

We're a good team.
So, shantay, you stay.

- Okay.
- And, Jacob, you come.

- You want to get off the stage?
- Yeah.

I feel like you should
probably get off the stage.

Thank you.

You should come on. [CHUCKLES]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLARES IN DISTANCE]

[GRUNTS]

This isn't as sad as I thought.

Barbara, I'm not going
back to your house.

I know, I know.

I came to apologize.

You were just trying to make
sure that I felt included.

My mother was the same way,

always trying to make sure
that everyone was happy.

She sounds like a wonderful person.

She was the best.

You know, on this day, everyone
will always ask me about her,

and they mean well,
but it's the unexpected moments

- on random days.
- Yeah.

I don't need Mother's Day
to remind me to love my mom.

I can understand that.

The other day, I was in a funk.

And one of my students came up
and made a funny face at me.

My mother used to do the same thing,

always reminding me
not to take life too seriously.

I love that.

And now, if you will excuse me,

I am going to swing a few home runs.

I'll leave you to it. [CHUCKLES]

All I'm saying is I love
bottomless mimosas.

Why can't I be a part
of the Brunch Squad?

Well, it's actually the Brunchy
Bunch, but you know what?

Next time you're coming, okay?

I told her to invite you.

Janine never ceases to disappoint.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Who is this? Hmm.

Oh, my God. Kevin Hart.

- AVA: Kevin Hart?
- Oh, my God.

You doing Cameos now? Damn.

The game is crazy.

So, you're Janine Teagues?

- Yeah. Yes.
- Okay.

Why... Why have you been
harassing me on social media?

Oh, um, so, I am so sorry
about that, Mr. Hart.

Um, it's just that I thought
that maybe you were my dad.

- Why would you think that?
- AVA: Yeah.

Why the hell would you think that?

Well, it's... it's because, um,

you know, my mom, she said that you guys

went to high school together,

and that you guys
intercoursed each other.

And, um, her name is Vanetta.
You familiar?

- Oh [BLEEP] Vanetta.
- Yeah.

I promise you it wasn't me,
'cause I strap up.

- Always have. So, unfollow me.
- Alright, will do.

- On everything.
- Sorry.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh [BLEEP] Mr. Johnson!

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Great to see you again, my brother.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, Mr. Johnson also...
he works here with me.

- I don't want to talk to you.
- Oh, okay. Alright.

- I don't want to talk to you.
- Okay. Bye.