[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
All righty, then.
♪ Pet detective on the run
[LAUGHING]
[TRUMPETING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Doesn't even have a g*n
Yes! Yes!
-Whoa! -[BELLOWING]
[POLAR BEAR GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLS]
♪ Ace Ventura
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
♪ Pet detective on the run ♪
[LAUGHING]
-[CRICKETS CHIRPING] -[OWL HOOTING]
[THUNDER ROLLING]
[GROWLS AND GRUNTS]
[HORSES NEIGH]
[WHIMPERING]
[DOG HOWLS]
Lord D'uberville, one of the prized hounds be met with foul play.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Was it really necessary to bring in someone from the colonies?
We do not like Americans, Father.
They are vulgar and uncouth.
I thought it best to engage the services of an outsider.
I trust he will be discreet and well-mannered.
ACE: Man, I'm hungry!
How is the vittles? I haven't eaten since Miami.
Airline food gives me the runs.
My Lord, I wish to announce Mr. Ventura's arrival.
Ace Ventura, pet detective, and his trusty colleague Dr. Watson.
That will be all, Jeeves.
[GASPS] Ah!
So, what's on the menu, my good stuffy shirts?
Stewed venison and goose flambe.
[CHOKING]
I don't think so.
You know, it's not meat per se that makes people aggressive.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
It's the adrenaline pumped into the animal's system
when it knows it's about to be slaughtered.
[GAGS]
That is revolting.
You have the manners of a cow.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah. And you look like one.
The D'uberville hounds are the source of the family's honor and prestige.
The elite of polite society will gather here
for the family's annual fox hunt.
If the hound's disappearance were known,
it would bring disgrace upon the family name.
Can you help us, Mr. Ventura?
I'm sorry, was I not listening?
A lot of inbreeding in your family, isn't there?
That is the hounds' family tree.
We have been breeding dogs for centuries for fox hunting.
The sport of kings.
You mean the sport of decadent bloodthirsty aristocrats?
Mr. Ventura, can you find the hound before tomorrow morning?
Of course, I can.
But for the hound's sake, not yours.
[VOCALIZES MOCKINGLY]
You're feeding these horses way too much corn.
You can tell that by looking at their teeth?
No. By the horse manure.
It's okay, Mr. Fox.
Uncle Ace won't let the big bad royal bozo hurt you.
Easy boo booty boo boo, Mr. Fox.
I wouldn't get too attached to him, Mr. Ventura.
The kennels are this way.
What are those?
Call me daft, but I don't think they're human.
[THUNDER ROLLING]
My worst fear.
I heard it howl last night just before the hound was absconded with.
Please, tell me more.
Legend has it that a curse was put upon our lineage back in the th century.
They say a beast roams the moors
seeking to wreak its revenge on the D'uberville name.
Those tracks, the howl I heard,
they are the signs of the beast.
Yes, the werewolf.
Werewolf? How do you know such things?
Because I myself have been bitten by a werewolf.
Go on, touch the scars.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMS]
You buffoon.
Beast in the moors, family curses, pshaw,
it's all superstitious nonsense.
Oooh!
This is something out of the pages ofBetter Hounds and Kennels.
Good night, Lord Scooby-Dooby.
What? Aren't you going to search for the missing hound?
Let's play a little game I call Multiple Choice.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
A, those tracks lead into the marshy bog,
which means they'll be impossible to follow.
B, if the perpetrator is human as I suspect,
he may well return to abduct another dog.
C, when he does, the monkey and I will be waiting for him.
D, all the above.
[GASPS FOR AIR]
[IN POSH VOICE] The answer, Ace, is D, all of the above.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Why, that's correct.
Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Who wants doggy treats?
I do. I do.
[DOGS BARK]
Atta boys. Now try this.
Come on, you can do it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNORING]
[STOMACH GROWLS]
Spike, the survival pack.
Quickly, man.
Nature calls. Keep an eye out.
Beasts, curses.
[LAUGHS]
[HOWLS]
All righty, then. To be continued.
Ooh.
One, two, three... Spike!
[TEETH CHATTERING]
What happened? What did you see?
What is going on here?
Nothing's going on.
Back to bed with you.
Lord D'uberville, another of the hounds be disappeared.
-Spank you, Claude. -Andrew's gone.
-Did you see who did it? -Well, not exactly.
This is how you handle things,
allowing another royal hound to go missing?
-[SHUSHES] -What?
-[SCREAMS] -[THUDS]
Don't move! This monkey is loaded.
Frisk him, Spike.
[CHATTERING]
What is the meaning of this?
I'm Trent, Inspector Trent of Scotland Yard.
I'm certain Scotland Yard
can give our American detective friend a few pointers.
I understand one of your hounds has disappeared.
Two hounds is the current score. Loser.
Where did you hear such a thing?
I'm afraid it's all over the local papers.
Mr. Ventura, you were supposed to be discreet.
How was I supposed to know the tabloids couldn't keep a secret?
My word, it looks like a beast.
If Scotland Yard goes for the beast thing, I'm nuts.
A curse.
Lord D'uberville, tell me it's not so.
Need I remind you gentlemen, we have a witness?
That's right, a police sketch.
A highly accurate investigative procedure, distinctly American.
Show the gentlemen what you saw, reliable witness Spike.
[ALL GASPING]
It was the beast!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUNDER RESOUNDING]
Well, here, here.
A word with my monkey.
Spike, this supernatural hokum is going right to your little monkey head.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
The witness has admitted to fabricating the sketch to support your beast theory
because he thought if he kissed up, you'd give him a cookie.
Nonsense. How did you make him change his story?
I gave him two cookies.
[BURPS]
This is highly absurd.
We should be outside looking for the beast.
Not if my hunch is correct that this is an inside job.
Now pipe down and help me find the secret passageway.
What secret passageway?
What movies do you watch?
These places always have secret passageways.
[WALL BREAKS]
[CHATTERING]
Of course, the D'ubervilles will mind, they're a**l-retentive.
Gravy, what lurks behind the hidden door?
-A dungeon? A crazy relative? -[STOMACH GROWLS]
A bathroom?
I sure hope so,
because I desperately need to tend to some unfinished business.
[SCREAMS]
Correction, unfinished business tended to.
Mr. Ventura, I do think you've done enough damage.
I'll say. You should see my shorts.
Perhaps you should leave this to Scotland Yard!
Please, I beg you.
Let me guess, do not go in there?
Right then.
I see you've met my brother, Mortimer.
I was afraid you might discover our shameful family secret.
You see, we had to lock my poor brother in the cellar years ago
after he lost his mind.
Yep, that door had crazy relative written all over it.
[SCREAMING]
What is it?
I heard the howl.
Lord D'uberville, yet another hound be disappeared.
Lord D'uberville, I suggest you call Scotland Yard for further assistance.
I shall stand guard in the kennels
should the beast return for another hound.
Very good, Inspector.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] But, Rhett, if you leave, where shall I go?
What shall I do?
Frankly, my dear fellow, I don't give a...
So, you're giving me the brush off.
Well, I won't be ignored.
You don't just diddle Ace Ventura.
[OWL HOOTING]
[GASPS] The phone's dead.
Now what do you want?
Lord D'uberville, you've been behaving suspiciously.
And suspicious people always make me suspicious.
Therefore, I searched your corners for clues
and came across your dirty laundry.
It seems for all your high and mighty ways,
you do have quite a bit to hide.
-How dare you? -You... You philistine!
Lady white trash,
do you always toss your dirty socks under the bed?
William. Mary. Can this be true?
I think we've had about enough of this.
And, perhaps, My Lord, you'd like to explain these.
No!
That's right, whitey tighties,
fitting perhaps for an athlete or male model,
but for a distinguished D'uberville?
Winston. Why?
Well, I...
Very simple, my lady.
-They don't ride up as much. -Yeah, what he said.
[GASPING AND SCREAMING]
-WINSTON: Who's there? -ACE: I got him! I got him!
He's big, he's tough but I got him.
Unhand me, you savage!
-I concur, your ugliness. -[CREAKING]
Oh!
That sounds like the attic.
Gee, could it be another shameful family secret?
The ghost of the th Lord D'uberville haunts the attic.
Winston, the eyes in the th Lord's portrait.
They are moving.
[GASPING]
Good work, Spike. You found another passageway.
[HOWLING]
I saw the beast.
Hideous, it was.
It had eyes like fire, claws sharp as knives.
My Lord, another hound be disappeared.
I saw the beast too with me own eyes.
He looked as if he could rip you open from head to toe
and gut you like a river trout,
twist your head off like a bottle cap, squish it like a pimple.
Well, that will be quite enough, Claude.
[HOWLING]
It's still out there.
We shall arm ourselves and hunt it down.
Great idea, man.
Take Claude, he's expendable, I mean, loyal.
I'll stay and protect the family in case the beast doubles back.
And why should you be the one to stay?
You're from Scotland Yard. You've got the big whistle.
You expect me to put that in my mouth?
I don't know where it's been.
It's quite clean.
-Quite. -[GROANS]
[GRUNTS] Mr. Ventura, you will accompany Inspector Trent
or you will not get paid.
[GROWLS AND BARKS]
ACE: Trent, big buddy, you keeping up?
Don't try to take the beast alone,
we don't need any dead glory hogs here.
I guess I am following you.
You are correct, sir. [LAUGHING]
[SCREAMS] Something's touching me! Make it stop!
Make it stop!
All righty then!
TRENT: Ace, we have him.
-[HOWLS] -[SCREAMS]
Glory hog.
[GROWLING]
Look, it's you.
I am a really big fan.
How about an autograph?
Doggy treats, they're imported.
[SCREAMING]
Halt there.
I feel the duty to inform you that though I may look human,
I'm actually a card-carrying honorary member of the animal kingdom.
[TARZAN-LIKE YELL]
Come to me, swamp friends.
Now, sic him.
[ROARS]
Spank you very much. Losers.
Come on, dog face, let's rock.
Darn, I really liked that axe.
Great! I just had this suit dry-cleaned.
[HOWLING]
Coward.
[WHIMPERING]
Trent. Hmm.
Yes, Inspector Trent is no longer with us.
But if he were, then I might not be.
So, I guess I can't really complain.
And why have you let the hound into the house?
Bait.
The beast will return for the last hound
even if it means entering the mansion under our very noses.
[GASPING]
And when he does, we'll be waiting.
[GASPING AND SCREAMING]
ACE: Jeeves, the spotlight.
-[GROWLING] -[GASPING]
Lord D'uberville...
That won't be necessary, Claude.
Right then.
Good work, Spike.
I knew the beast would attempt to escape through the secret passageway,
so I switched paintings to fool him good,
which it seems I did, in fact, do.
But how did the beast know of the passageway?
Easy, for you see...
[GASPS] Inspector Trent.
Not quite.
-Mortimer! -Mortimer!
Yes, your deranged brother Mortimer,
who I discovered while reading your personal diaries,
embarrassed the family in public by eating meat with his salad fork
and was locked in a cellar as a mad man.
Mortimer plotted his revenge for years
until he discovered a panel leading into the secret passageways.
How long has this been here?
He then set out to destroy the family's honor
by dog-napping each of the hounds on the eve of the annual fox hunt.
And if that wasn't enough, he snuck into your washroom at night
and abused your toothbrushes.
[BELCHES]
But it seems Mortimer was one for poetic justice.
I found these spices and garnish in Mortimer's dungeon,
which can only mean one thing.
The hounds were to make an appearance
at the fox hunt all right, as a gourmet meal,
which Mortimer would eat in front of your aristocratic peers
using a salad fork.
[RETCHES]
Upon my arrival, Mortimer assumed the guise of Inspector Trent.
He was well prepared for this
since he spent the long years in your dungeon
studying to be a celebrity impersonator,
mastering the art of mimicry and disguise.
You talking to me? You talking to me?
And who can forget his Oscar-worthy performance as the beast.
And that, my well-paying clients,
brings us to the end of our tale.
Questions? Comments?
But how did you figure it out?
Elementary, my dear D'ubervilles.
Exhibit A, a fistful of beast hair
which I tore away during our exciting confrontation.
Did I say hair?
I meant polysynthetic blend.
I knew the beast was bogus from the moment I taste-tested this tripe.
For you see,
I knew Inspector Trent was a crook from the very beginning.
-What? -What?
Exhibit B.
While the Windsor knot is suitable for royalty,
Scotland Yard's regulation necktie knot is the Turkish loop,
which this knot is not.
Yes, yes! Slam dunk!
End of story,
feel the brain waves, gaze upon me in adulation,
but do not touch.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, the hunt is still tomorrow morning.
Where are my hounds?
Jeeves.
Release the hounds!
[DOG BARKING]
The attic?
The haunted attic no one would go near.
Thus, the perfect place to hide the hounds.
Nifty, huh?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Let the hunt begin!
[HOUNDS BARKING]
-[GASPING AND SCREAMING] -[RETCHES]
Lord D'uberville, the fox be disappeared.
Fox hunting in Miami?
Pshaw! [LAUGHING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]