02x06 - Private Velmjamin

[bunniefuu]

[Velma] Previously on Velma...

Hey, buddy. Remember this?

I was serious when I said
I wanted to catch up.

You owe me. And
lives are at stake.

It takes rigorous screening
before I let anyone in here.

I haven't even reached out to those
poor girls Victoria Jones put in jars,

even though I'm
sure they're dying.

[both] What? The
Brains are dying.

It's just that after
that failed seance,

I don't feel like I'm a
witch or a popular girl.

I don't know who I am. [Yelps]

Hold on. What if you went
to the Brains in my body?

[screams]

[sighs]

[Velma] We all struggle
with self-doubt.

Velma, can you find the dong
removing serial k*ller already?

We're all scared but Sophie's
fear might embarrass me to death.

Oh. Forgive me for
protecting the things I love.

Now go, go, go!

[Velma] But my inability
to solve this case

was starting to make my dream

of growing up to solve
mysteries in the big city

feel like a joke.

Worse, nothing makes your
dreams feel farther away

than a small town high
school career day.

Ugh.

And sure, my parents support
me following my dreams,

but they haven't
exactly led by example.

Ah, high school. Where I
let one detention mishap

end my dream of
being a good person.

- Surrounded by good friends.
- Huh.

[Velma] What I
needed was one person

who had actually
achieved their dreams

to show me what it takes.

Vote for sheriff today.

It's our dream to win.

Their dream?

The seminal reality
show The Amazing Race.

But becoming Sheriff will
keep us off anti-depressants!

Mmm. Velma, I need to
drive your father home.

Watch the booth and find
something to clean up this grease.

[Velma] Time to accept
that for people like me,

maybe dreams don't come true.

Velma. Whoa!

My grandma's alive.

She faked her death to follow
her dream of completing her work,

and now her brain is in Daphne

so we can save Brenda,
Christa, and Lola.

The honor is all yours.

What?

[theme music playing]

So you're Dr. Edna Perdue,
but in Daphne's body?

But you sound just like Daphne.

[Daphne's voice] Because
I have her vocal chords.

But to me... [in Dr. Perdue's
voice] I sound like myself.

As a neurologist,

believe me when I say
this, the brain is weird.

Which is why Daphne
put her brain in a jar.

To figure out who she is.

I mean, good for her for going
on a journey of self-discovery.

But is it safe?

Is it safe?

The only thing unsafe

is all the fun I'm
having in her body.

[grunts]

Wow. I can't believe
I'm in the presence

of a pioneering
female scientist.

How did you achieve your dream?

Which deodorant ad
made you believe

that you could do anything?

Hey, sorry to interrupt,

but we have to save the Brains.

Lola just posted this.

Save them from what?

Getting screen grabbed and dropped
in some creep's spank bank?

'Cause Lola's looking good.

No. The Brains
sink in their jars

as they use up the nutrients.

Though silver lining,

if they die, I'll be able
to dissect them! [Grunts]

Stop! The Brains are friends,
not science experiments.

I know you're not
this heartless,

and I'm going to prove it.

Norville, you texted that

I have to meet the most
important person in my life.

Which is... Daphne?

Yes. Daphne, is there something

you'd like to say
to your daughter...

I mean our principal?

Blythe?

I mean, I don't
have time for this.

It's Principal Rogers

and I don't have
time for this either.

I have to get back
to the career fair.

The students are
almost desperate enough

to consider teaching!

Damn. That was your daughter
you haven't seen in 30 years.

You really are that heartless.

I'm not heartless.

It's just that feelings
create distractions.

And you must eliminate those

in order to be great
and achieve your dreams.

Just like how this
discussion has distracted us

from saving the Brains.

[gasps] You're right.
Norville, get The Brains

and meet us in Mr. S's classroom

or they're as good as dead!

Not that us go-getters
care, right, Dr. P?

Your pandering is wasting time.

Yes, of course.

[Dr. Perdue grunts]

[Daphne] Uh... Why aren't you
putting me in the spa room?

I am Dr. Perdue's
personal guest,

not some rube with a Mother's
Day gift certificate.

Oh, our computers
measure your brain waves

to predict the best environment
in which to center yourself,

and they placed you on top of
this cage in the nature room.

[Daphne] Wait! So the
computer must think

I'm a popular girl
and not a witch!

No one loves posing with
cute, endangered animals

more than popular girls!

Oh, God!

Hello? Father O'Rourke?

I... I wanna return this stuff

from when Catholicism
was my thing!

Father O, you in here?

[woman] Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned.

Will you hear my confession?

Oh, I'm not... Uh...

Actually, what else
do I have going on?

Sure. What's up?

[Dr. Perdue grunts]

Yes, just as I expected.

Mr. S was trying to
recreate my research

and has almost everything I need

to mix The Brains'
solution! Oh, and snacks!

Don't be gentle. This
body is only a rental!

But how would he know what
went in the brain solution

without your journals?

He was hot, so there's an upper
limit on his intelligence.

Project SCOOBI still
had some of my research

when they shuttered their
labs on Fort Crystal.

Mr. S must have
somehow found it there.

[gasps] My dad's friend
Don is in the Army!

I could ask him if he knows
anything about Project SCOOBI

and if it has something
to do with the murders!

He'd never tell you something
so sensitive, Velma.

This is the military.

[Lola] Wait! What do you
mean we're going to die?

I told you to tell
them nothing, Norville!

Stir this.

You were supposed to
just knock them out!

You can't do that! This
isn't the CIA in the '50s!

People deserve to know
what's happening to them!

Daphne! The new polls are out,
your moms are sure to win...

Hold up, your whole aura's off.

Meh. I don't feel you
judging me at all.

Something is very wrong here,
I'm calling your moms...

[groans]

Tell me that's not easier.

[Brenda] What the
hell is happening?

Relax, you're not going to die.

This vial contained
crystalized glutamine.

It can keep brains alive
in jars indefinitely.

As soon as the new
solution is mixed

and put in your
jars, you'll be fine.

Uh, is this supposed to happen?

[laughs] So your sin is anger?

Is that even a sin?

Feels weird for a religion

where everyone's always
so pissed off. [Chuckles]

[woman] Right? But
it's a problem!

My mean coworkers never told me

when there were
bagels in the kitchen

so I'd get there last.

And now I freak out every
time I smell pumpernickel.

Oh, totally! I
can't smell pennies

without thinking of how
Mother paid the servants

and then I get furious

wondering if maybe
she was a bad person.

[woman] You are too funny.

So, this is crazy, but
can I get your number?

Oh. Uh... Sure.

It's 555-0111, like in a TV show

so I remember it easily.

But, just real quick,
how old are you?

Hello? You there?

[sighs]

Velma! What have you done?

- I don't know.
- Can't you make more?

Or, like, just add some water
like an empty shampoo bottle?

No, that was the
last of my glutamine.

And it takes weeks
to synthesize.

Unless... Velma, I developed
crystallized glutamine

in the Project SCOOBI
labs on Fort Crystal...

And if some of your
research is still there,

maybe there's glutamine
on the base as well!

Yes. And I can draw you a
map of exactly where to look.

Okay. But if I'm caught
stealing from Fort Crystal,

I could be sent to prison.

Great detectives don't
get caught, Velma.

Now, do you have what it takes
to achieve your dream or not?

[pants]

- [tires screech]
- Fred, watch out

- [groans]
- Velma! I need your advice.

Advice? It better be more urgent

than my internal bleeding.

It is! I met a woman,

but the circumstances
are unique.

Daphne's a few months
older than you, right?

How do you navigate the pitfalls

of dating an older woman?

Fred, I don't have
time for this.

[sniffs] Mother?

[sniffs]

Pennies. [Growls]

Hey, Dad.

So the career fair
got me thinking

my dreams will never come true

and maybe it's time to
consider joining the Army.

Really? You know you'll have
to wake up early, right?

I do. So I'm kind of
on the fence about it.

But maybe if Don could
get me a tour of the base,

I could see what the
Army is all about.

A tour? I don't know.

Don's been ghosting me.

If I send him another
text, it's really gonna tip

the friendship power
balance in his direction.

But if I enlist,

you won't have to
pay for college.

I'm texting him as we speak.

- [phone chimes]
- We're in.

[Krista] I can't die.

I'm supposed to be the
face of a brain teaser app.

And you will be.

I have complete faith in Velma.

Wait. Do you really?

Oh, God, no. These
turkeys are cooked.

I just can't deal
with the whining.

And when brains
in jars are dying,

whining is the final
stage before drama.

What? I told you about
that brain teaser job

because I'd already booked
it, you backstabbing b*tch!

- [gasps]
- Melodrama.

[Lola] You guys are tearing
this friend group apart!

And ruining our shared birthday!

- [gasps]
- And as death becomes eminent,

the final stage. Being boring.

[Lola] Okay, now
that that's settled,

who wants to hear about
my dream from last night?

- [gasps]
- Yikes!

Pro move, leave and
focus on yourself.

If what you do in life
is impressive enough,

everyone will love and
respect you forever.

Forever?

All I care about is
making my friends happy

with what little
time they have left.

Hey, so while Velma will
totally pull this off,

are there any, like,
bucket list items

you maybe wanna bang
out just in case.

[Lola] Well, we have always
wanted to start a band.

I mean, we already have
the infighting down pat.

Great. Let's go.

[Lola] Dr. Purdue,
are you coming?

As if. You guys
still have a chance.

She's already dead.

[gasps] What
happened? Who are you?

[groans]

[Aman] Now don't do anything
that would embarrass me.

Don's not only an old friend,

he hires me to do legal
work for the military.

Remember when we
created that fungus

that turned a bunch of
people into zombies?

- No.
- Exactly.

- [gasps]
- Get out of the car.

Oh, God. I somehow
blew this too.

Not you. Blondie.

Hey, guys.

I was waiting for Velma to
give me relationship advice,

but the smell of
Mr. Dinkley's pennies

got me so upset
thinking about Mother,

I shut down and
just went to sleep.

Well, it's your lucky day, son!

Normally, I'd tie
you up and throw you

in one of our secret
prisons that "do not exist,"

but I wanna make
a good impression

on our VIP here.

VIP? Do you mean
Very Important Person

or my fanfic Velma in Paris?

Important Person.

The Army has an image problem.

And enlisting a smart
young woman like you

will make high schoolers think.

"Hell, maybe I
should enlist too!"

What? That sucks.

I mean, I need some more
intel before I commit.

Maybe a tour. Learn
a fun marching rhyme

- about cheating wives.
- Wonderful.

And Fred can stay too.

The Army can always use
handsome ones like him

to take the fall
at public hearings.

I want to see the 'copters.

[sighs]

They want to perform
at Career Day?

The whole point is to make
kids give up their dreams.

[sighs] But fine.

[Lola] Thank you.

Wait. We might have a problem.

Dang it. Why does everything

on my bucket list require hands?

Actually, by placing additional
electrode pads on your lobes

and running them straight
into the instruments,

you can play using
simple neural pulses.

Wow. [Chuckles] That is eerie.

You just sounded
exactly like my mom.

And that's a good thing, right?

Because she was a brilliant
black female scientist

who consistently defied
the barriers of her time

and you admired
her deeply for it.

Yes.

Oh. How interesting.

- And no.
- Excuse me?

So, Velma, where to first?

Ever touch a LGM-30G
Minuteman III

intercontinental ballistic
m*ssile? It's fun.

Oh, just show me where
they experiment on aliens

and I don't know, maybe
weapons facility "DELTA."

[laughs] Got to love
a sense of humor.

I'm told. Historically,
the military hates them.

Hey, what's that?

It's the one thing that
can save The Brains

and help me impress an
old lady I just met.

- So shush.
- I will if you help me.

You're not the only one trying to
impress an old lady they just met.

Wait. This woman is old?

- How old?
- Unclear.

But given her
voice, I'd be lying

if I said she didn't own
multiple pill organizers.

Fred!

[Daphne] So does this mean the
computer thinks I'm a witch?

Do witches like roaches?
Does anyone like roaches?

Oh, my God. Does anyone like me?

Hey! Stop bullying
that little guy.

Let him eat.

Leave him alone!

Oh, you just picked a
fight with the wrong brain.

If I survive this,

it'll be a really
useful icebreaker.

Ha! Gotcha, suckers.

You can survive the apocalypse,
but not Daphne Blake!

Maybe I'm not
popular or a witch.

Maybe I'm a hero.

Wait. What's going on here?

Stop! I should be your queen!

Unless this is a
Bastille Day sitch!

Oh, God. [Screams]

Huh. This is weirdly fun.

[chuckles] Yeah, it is.

If you enlist today,

I'll let you hit
it with a hammer.

How about that? No
bigger rush in the world.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Armageddon. Armageddon who?

Armageddon excited

hitting this m*ssile
with a hammer.

[chuckles]

- [alarm blaring]
- [all gasp]

Oh-oh. Let me just
turn the alarm off.

Huh.

I must have left my
key card in the office.

Let's, uh, run and get
it in under 15 seconds.

[buzzer beeps]

Jackpot. I am a great detective.

["Flintstones" theme
ringtone playing]

Fred, what are
you doing in here?

It's her. What do
I... What do I say?

I... I know it's
weird and sudden,

but this is the first
time I've felt something

in the thin, pointy
hole left by mother.

Okay. But she called
before texting.

So she either lives
in a nursing home

or is scamming you
because you're rich.

[Don] Velma, where are you?

Run!

Hey, you need to drop
the attitude Daphne.

I only let the star
athletes at this school

insult me like that.

[stuttering] Daphne's not
trying to be rude, Mom.

Right, Daphne, who only
goes by the name Daphne?

Sorry. My point is,
I'm sure my moms

are very busy with
their meaningless jobs.

But I still love
and respect them

because I know that their
goals take precedence

over my emotional well-being.

Oh, I will always
love my mother.

Yes, of course you will.

But I will never respect her.

Sure, her job was important,

but that's still no excuse
for never being around.

So, no, I can't
respect her. Ever.

Yeah? Well, you ain't sh*t.

[Norville and Blythe gasp]

Crap, Don hammered
another m*ssile!

[gasps] Come on, Fred. Now.

[both panting]

[dogs barking]

Oh, no. Dogs.

[dogs whining]

Ah. They're afraid
of the m*ssile.

Thank you, m*ssile.

[buzzer beeps]

Room 1969. There.

What? This is just
a supply closet.

The glutamine isn't here.

I'm texting Norville. Maybe
we're in the wrong spot.

- [gasps]
- [yelps]

Fred, turn off the light!

Or if it's your bright-a*s
teeth, shut your mouth.

- It's not.
- My teeth are much brighter.

It's coming from the AC vent.

- Hoist me up!
- [grunts]

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Project SCOOBI is
back up and running

and they have three dead bodies.

[cell phone ringing]

Turn that off!!

[Don] Freeze.

Hello everyone, we have
some unfortunate news.

Our daughter Daphne
has been suspended.

[all] Aw!

And now for the good news.

We're still so far
up in the exit polls,

- it doesn't even matter.
- [all cheering]

Velma just texted. She
couldn't find the glutamine.

The Brains are as good as dead.

And soon you'll
join them, Norville.

[screams] Grandma!

I'm hallucinating!
I need your snacks.

Ugh. But that's my last one.

Oh. What the hell
is wrong with me?

You're hallucinating and
I only care about myself.

You're right,
Norville. I am selfish.

I have more glutamine.
I can save the Brains.

What? Why would you
lie about being out?

I just told you, I'm selfish.
Please pay attention.

The point is, when I learned.

Velma had access to the base,

I let the solution boil over

and manipulated her desire
to be a great detective

to see if Project SCOOBI
had been reactivated.

- What?
- I said there's absolutely

- no way we can lose this election.
- [all cheering]

Okay. First things first.

Have you had fun
today? [Chuckles]

Be sure to tell your friends.

We need those
recruitment numbers up.

And secondly, what
the hell are you doing

in this restricted area?

Project SCOOBI is running on
the other side of this wall,

and there are three bodies.

That's impossible. Velma.

Project SCOOBI has been
dead since the early '90s.

They said the same thing
about rock and roll,

and look at it now!
Sadly limping along!

[chuckles] Velma, Velma, Velma,

there's nothing there but our
organ clones for important people.

What? I swear I just saw a
SCOOBI lab and dead bodies.

Don, I apologize.

And while I know the punishment

for sneaking around
a base is prison,

consider our friendship.

Whatever you do with Velma,

please continue to hire
me for your legal woes.

Dad!

Prison? [Laughs] Please.

I have much better ways.

Velma and Fred can
make this up to me...

Is it true the military
accidentally launched

a Minuteman III m*ssile

after an officer hit
it with a small hammer?

I plead the fifth. The
right to arm bears.

[all muttering]

I still say Velma got it worse.

Join the military. It's
a great option for teens.

You can go viral just by
going home to your dog.

- [sighs]
- I was in the Army.

I loved it. Taught
me everything I know

about discipline, respect,
and tight-a*s ponytails.

- Huh?
- Check, one, two. Check.

Norville? What are you doing?

Check, one, two. Check.
Check, check, check.

Check, one, two, now
check behind you.

Behind you, check.
Check, one, two.

Check behind you. I
am burying a message

in this sound check.
Check, one, two.

One, two, check.

- Velma!
- [Velma] Huh?

Hold on! Back up!

You're telling me your
glutamine hunt was just a ruse

to use me to see if Project
SCOOBI was back up and running?

You used me!

I'm so sorry, Velma.

Huh. Never said sorry before.

What a weird sounding
word. "So-rry."

Hmm. But is Project
SCOOBI back up?

Yes! I mean, I think?

It was there but then it wasn't.

Like my respect for you!

To think I let you make
me believe in my dreams.

Velma, I was wrong to
play with your emotions,

but the only thing
that can truly

make you believe in your dreams
is generational wealth. Or you.

Well, that's inspiring.

Let me finish.

But it's a double edged sword.

Because unless you have
generational wealth,

it takes so much effort
to achieve your dreams,

the only way to do it is to
become a selfish monster.

Wait. So my choices are failure to
achieve my dreams or selfish monster?

Yes. But I'm learning
that maybe family

can help you find the level
of failure you can live with.

Check. Check. Check.
Check over your shoulder.

My mom is coming. Check.

Now excuse me. I have to go.

I got suspended, so Blythe
can't know I'm here.

Plus, I have some things I want to do
in this body before I give it back.

But what about
saving the Brains?

You can mix the solution, Velma.

I believe in you as much
as I believe in anyone,

which isn't much, but still.

[grunts and hums]

[grunts]

- Velma!
- No time. Leave me alone!

Okay, Velma, you can do this.

- Huh?
- [Lola] Hey, everyone.

Our first tune is called
"Song Number One".

Oh, God! Velma, they
can't get any more boring!

- Hurry!
- I'm trying.

I just need to concentrate.

As long as I can
hear myself think...

[rock 'n' roll music playing]

Wait. This isn't boring at all.

Forgot to mention, for the
last 10 seconds of their lives,

brains in jars do something
unexpected. See ya.

Oh, no!

[man] Whoo!

- [Lola] We're alive.
- [Krista] We made it!

[Lola] Now I can focus
on my solo album!

[Velma] So if Mr. S was
working for Project SCOOBI,

and there are three more bodies,

maybe all the victims are
connected to it in some way.

It's possible. And if anyone
can figure it out, it's you.

And Norville,
hallucinations that intense

are rarely caused by anxiety.

See if there are any external
sources triggering them.

I will, thanks! And I hope
this is the start of...

Hey, sorry, I don't
mean to cut this short

but my girlfriend's brain
is currently in a jar

and I have to get her to
her moms' victory party.

Of course. [Grunts]

[whispers indistinctly]

What do you mean Daphne's
brain is missing?

[grunts] Hey, so, um...

I'm afraid it will take too long

to do the procedure
at this moment.

Let's just get to
the victory party

so Linda and Donna
don't get suspicious.

[Daphne] Hey, this
is not what I meant

when I checked "open to new
experiences" on that form.

I tell you, I'm innocent!
And very scared!

- And a tiny bit turned on.
- [cell phone ringing]

Sorry. I have to take this.

Hey, babe, you watching me
on the public access channel

like the old cable
TV-having broad you are?

[woman] Uh-huh. Yes.
So put me on speaker.

I want everyone to hear this.

Uh-oh. Should I be nervous?

Yes. Because I'm
the serial k*ller,

- and I will keep k*lling until I get what I want.
- [gasps]

[woman laughs maniacally]

[all gasp]

- [all clamoring]
- Oh, God! Father O'Rourke!

[theme music playing]

[all applauding]

Okay, everyone, we
have exciting news.

Crystal Cove has just elected
its first dog comptroller!

[all cheering]

Unfortunately, in the
wake of the revelation

that the serial k*ller
is yet another woman,

Crystal Cove also elected
Merle Cogburn as sheriff.

[all booing]

And yet, while we lost,

we couldn't have done
any of this without you.

You guys are the real losers.

Thanks for nothing.

Mmm. Hmm.

Who are you?

[theme music playing]

[man] Go to bed.