04x17 - Major Wedgie

[bunniefuu]

♪ Mama had a chicken. ♪

♪ Mama had a cow. ♪

♪ Dad was proud, he didn't care how. ♪

♪ Cow! ♪

♪ Chicken! ♪

♪ Cow and Chicken! ♪

Rise and shine!

Well, what happened?

Hey! You kids ever hear the story
of how your mom and me met?

But it's three o'clock in the morning.

So, what's your point?

Pull up a stool, men!

This is gonna be good.

I'll never forget this story.

It's cemented in my mind... like cement.

It all started
when I was a foot soldier in the Navy.

It was the Army, Dad!

That's right! I'll never forget.

I was stationed
at Fort Hiney in downtown Mexico!

Butte, Montana!

Right!

Anyways, this is the story of me,
your Mom and Major Wedgie.

Major Wedgie?

Major Wedgie was almost your dad.

Oh, it was nineteen-eighty-six,

the year I met the most beautiful girl
on two legs I'd ever saw...

your Mom!

Hut-two, hut-three! Who am I?

Oh, Major Wedgie!

Would you look at those legs?

Were you talking to me?

Excuse me, Private Mom.

But I gotta go make this guy
a new pork trap!

P.S. we still on for later?

Sir, yes, Sir, Major Wedgie, Sir!

You see, your mom
was being courted by Major Wedgie...

one of the toughest, meanest,

sour puss officers in all of Butte, Montana.

Oh, nobody knew why he was so grumpy.

But he was!

That night, Major Wedgie came
a courting at your Mom's house.

Here you go!

Oh, Major Wedgie, it's a flower!

Yes, I know!

So, Private Mom,
how do you find Butt, Montana?

Butt? I think that's, Butte.

Oh, nice of you to notice.

I think so, too.

Well, kids?
Your old man also came a courting.

I couldn't let those legs go to waste on
a grumpy old soldier like Major Wedgie!

Your Mom escorted me into the parlor...

imagine my embarrassment...

What happened next?

Well, both me and Major Wedgie
each tried to win your Mom's affections.

They wanted to promote me to General,

but I turned it down.

General Wedgie does not sound as dashing
as Major Wedgie!

Of course,
if'n they had offered me Rear Admiral,

I might have considered!

What do you think, Private Mom?

Pretty impressive.

She thinks I'm pretty!

How about your military career,
Private Dad?

I'm just a foot soldier.

Looks like I have the upper hand
in this courtship.

Wedgie's have been crawling up

my family tree for generations!

What do you have to offer, Private Dad?

My family invented the weenie!

Oh, I gotta tell you kids,

at that point it looked like Moma
was gonna marry Major Wedgie.

But that was before the poetry.

- Poetry?
- Poetry?

How romantic.

They both used to write me poetry.

Do you remember, Dear?

Do I?

"Your feet are like two landing craft

"carrying ten little soldiers.

"Some have hair on them. But that's okay.

"I look past that to your ankles,

"which tower above your feet like...

"uh, like... towers?"

"Hey, Private Mom!

"How many ways do I like you?

"Almost as many ways
as there are of saying my name!

"Wedgie!

"Wedgie!

"Wed-gie!"

"It's all where you put the emphasis.

"Like... what's that in the road?

"A head?

"Or... what's for dinner, Mom?

"Or... what is this thing called... love?

"You see, it's all in the timing.

"Timing is everything."

You both wrote me some poetry!

Major Wedgie and me
were both sweating b*ll*ts.

Who would win?

Whose poetry would she like better?

Who would be awarded her love?

I can't decide! They're both so good!

Your mom asked us both to leave

so she could make up her mind
who was best.

She obviously likes me better!

She kicked me out last!

Are you insane?

Her toes were constantly pointing
in my direction.

Red is her favorite color!

Mine, too!

That doesn't mean you and I
are going steady!

Well... you... you've got flat feet!

You've got a big nose!

Do you really think so?

Why, I oughta punch you in the knee!

Bring it on, Tubby!

Today's special... knuckle sandwich!

Major Wedgie, are you okay?

Oh... am I okay?

No more wedgie? I feel great!

I'm free! I'm free as a bee!

I'm wedgie free!

I'm going to give up
this hard-core military life!

Why, I had no idea my mean,
gruff demeanor was wedgie induced.

I'm so happy,

I am going to give you Private Mom!

Thank you, Major Wedgie.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Call me Mr. Hiney!

I'm free now!

And I've gone back to my maiden name!

And so, that's the story
of how your mom and me met.

Oh, I just love that story!

Oh, can we hear it again, Dad?

Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please,
oh, please, oh, please, oh, please?

All righty!

It all started
when I was a foot soldier in the Army.

I was stationed at Fort Hiney...

Please end?