01x01 - Sultans of Swat/Tea for Three

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

where uh

knows

the weekly meeting of the philosophical

society will come to order i'll rise and

be seated the chair recognizes the

porcupine

mr chairman i move we changed the name

of this organization to the socratic

society i object as a staunch supporter

of the greatest philosopher of all time

frederick wd oh yeah mr niji and the

staunch advocate of his great book pig

and super pig yeah whatever i find the

socratic reference absolutely

positively

what's the word reprehensible

stinky so noted mrs pig

mr ogg what is the sound of one hand

clapping not much not rational not a

question one would normally ask well if

the left hand clap's loud what's the

sound of the right

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reciting poetry to the barnyard

if you like poetry you should try watch

baseball only the greatest game ever

it's a line drive and a pop fly an

endless field in the midday sun it's

eating hot dogs till you're sick it's

the guy behind you spilling soda down

your neck paying 28 for a styrofoam

finger you can't even give away at a

garage sale it's one man's philosophical

statement about all of mankind's flawed

humanity what it's a throne pitch a bad

song and a ball's hit

of the park baby you hit a ball with a

stick and run in the circle

yeah kinda

i don't get it come on boy you can't go

through life like this

i'm not so sure i'd like this baseball

this sounds stupid a complete and total

waste of time hang on

a styrofoam finger

let's go

okay guys listen up this is marty the

machine only the best picture hitter

catcher um there ever was learned

everything i know watching them now

you're gonna learn from me got it

i don't see why we just can't play

coconuts splendid game can one eat the

ball when one is finished indeed oh i

don't like it

but you can't do this for the coconut oh

i say how am i doing no worse than

anyone else and that's a problem excuse

me ms baseball but how do i win first we

gotta sing the national anthem

oh say can you see

that's not the national anthem it's not

no what is oh

i learned

holy breezes fish and graves

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[Applause]

okay okay okay okay i get it how do i

win it's not the winning or the losing

it's the playing that's the game sure it

is but how do i win you got to start

first catch

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i don't believe there's room of course

there's room

margie's up first come on yeah wendell

you go first what about me i'm afraid i

mean

what if i get hit in the head and i

can't run

no worries dear you'll be just fine you

can run you know i can walk briskly but

i can't run i can't wendell you can do

it i can't i can't i can't oh just give

me that

don't worry i'll pitch it easy

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look it's not hard i feel the ball you

swing the bat and hit the ball okay yeah

okay

and don't worry about looking dumb it's

only a game

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did i win yet

princess you can't hit the ball if you

don't swing the bat

yeah okay i get it some people are just

not cut out for this game

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i won yay i won i won

okay rotate everybody moves up one what

do you mean rotate game's over not quite

you had your turn now you go play the

field what kind of sick game is this

anyway any real game's over when the

winner wins

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[Applause]

our hearts

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run

good show surely good there i'm busting

my buttons poochie kids what was that

you gave it away i wanna get aim i wanna

get in

[Applause]

rotate i can't believe you just let him

have it i mean it's only a game but you

could at least try i won again i won

again

and stop it with a winning already

sheesh

testy testy

sore loser

no i just can't throw

is it this or this and what do i do with

my other arm

well we've got several forces at work

here the mechanics of inertia

centrifugal force certain trigonometric

formula counter spin and barometric

pressure some pretty sophisticated

physics

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a ball thrown very hard into the sweet

spot

got it uh

no good man don't leave me

talk all you want big boys cause sooner

or later you're gonna have to pitch and

then mike scores big time baby

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strike one

missed it all too bad the party new york

good job wendell aces

yes well i i do seem to have talent

don't i no

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i got a hole in the back good job

aces again

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strike two how can you call that a

strike that was a ball out of the box

off the planet

john glenn couldn't touch that too

bad you swung supposed to swing the bat

and hit the ball remember get the bum

out of here give her the fan get your

hot tea toxic tofu hot dog here

just throw it straight across slow and

straight she's looking for weird give it

to her plane she'll be so confused

she'll k*ll cross-eyed and fall over oh

that's so yummy

try it again and you'll be wearing it

throw it easy

what do you think you're doing

patronizing me think i can't hit that

ball

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yay she's out she's lost get the bum out

of here send her back to the miners ouch

that was a foul ball anyway you're

schaefer or whatever you get another

turn island rules you're not giving me

anything that elephant didn't catch the

ball he ate it hey

it's only a game only a game only a game

baseball is not only a game baseball is

the game

then play the game

i'll show you only a game

come on me throw your best stuff and

take a seat this one's going out of the

park baby a chair recognizes mr spiney

that this is um

uh

boring philosophically speaking

let's play ball

pig i love this game

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ah stupid goat

out of my way

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what is this island rules

hey what are you trying to fall

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it's only a game and i won

ow ow ow

you know i think i'll go back to new

york you can touch the air there are too

many people and baseball well

it's baseball

okay batting's easy wendell ready oh

i don't know

this bad it's very heavy like bench

pressing a refrigerator

okay just swing when i tell you

now

[Music]

do you think i've broken anything no

that was just the sound of my sanity

falling apart

[Music]

ain't no leprechauns ain't no mortgage

loans ain't no hair salon ain't no

skating bombs ain't no ice cream cones

ain't no pretty cool ain't no silicone

ain't no parmesan ain't no kidney stones

ain't no microphones ain't no slideshow

ain't no

is

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where uh

knows

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the year 1791 was the year of the great

cabbage famine on the island caused by

the escape of nigel t cassowitz pigs the

peaks devouring of the entire cabbage

crop and their subsequent gaseous

emissions became a great source of

embarrassment for castle bit are you

done yet almost yeah because i could use

some help with my board on the factory

stop lights michelle and macinski put

down that cup immediately okay okay okay

the name is mike good gracious child be

careful don't bust a hydrant it's only a

cup that particular cup is the only one

we have left from the wreck of the good

shepherdin

it belonged to none other than the right

honorable wendell joshua el bonquitine

whose father whose father's father's

father's father's father and it's been

present at every afternoon tea since oh

please put it back in the cupboard

there's a deer cool a cup full of

history

would you like some tea hate this stuff

i'd give anything for a chocolatey

frothy egg cream though

uh could you invent an egg cream

what's doing

sounds intriguing what a beautiful day

on my island and i princess lou shall

while away the hours basking in its

glory anyone wishing to bring me fried

bananas may find me surfside

gotta join me the royal personage would

enjoy some company perhaps someone to

fan

gee

sounds real tempting but uh

no then drop the turtle

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1791

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you might be interested in the history

of the brown stain in the bottom of the

cup that's from alfred who didn't wash

up after himself this morning

hmm

ah i very nearly got him today

you very nearly get him every day what

exactly are you going to do with the

little fellow when you catch him do you

bake broil or pepper be disgusting

wendell i'm not going to eat him isn't

he time already how's the history coming

dear oh very well indeed how was the

hunt ah nearly got him then why do you

do it i mean continue on this endless

pure suit it's in my bones wendell like

my father before me i am a hunter

what it's

gone

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excuse me people people settle settle

thank you thank you so much for your

attention

as governor of our fair island a friend

to each and every one of you and loving

father to one

it is with some difficulty

with no small amounts of pain or with a

fair amount of unease

i'll get on with it but i must inform

you

someone among us has stolen the cup

one of us i don't believe it well

whoever they should be hung up by his

thumbs when i was a lad we'd have done

spit more than that for sure it's only a

teacup

only a kick-up only a teacup oh why that

teacup belonged to your

great-great-grandfather we all know the

cops history probably stole the cup

yourself stole it himself again what why

uh how could you say such a thing i

see a cup

a bird a thief

i know who stole a daddy i know i know i

know

it was her me unless there's another

redheaded double ponytailed kid named

mike around here why would i steal a

teacup dodo i don't even drink this

stuff exactly proof enough for me oh my

god you're just mad because i wouldn't

be your personal fan boy i am not thief

are too liar t hater pain in the pajamas

now lou did you actually see mike take

the cop no but that doesn't mean she

didn't do it who else would steal our

cup look princess pouty i don't know who

stole it and neither do you but i know

one thing it wasn't me says you says me

and i'll prove it

by finding out who did i've seen enough

cop shows to know how it works before

this day is over i'll know who stole

that cup or my name ain't mike maczynski

her real name is michelan watch it yes

well mike just who do you suspect

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[Laughter]

[Music]

oh good lad there you go what say we

discuss this over a nice hot cup of tea

heavily armed suspect white cup of tea

[Music]

look at her not only a thief a peeping

tom

imagine spying on unsuspecting people

she's a crook

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[Applause]

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if she'd steal into an old man's cave

she'd steal a cup she's a crook lance my

boy cricket is a driftwood knot drinking

hemlock indeed i say socrates was a fool

it's bad enough to stuff what k*ll you

but it tastes bad

surely there are other ways to do

oneself in no there's not you blasphemer

oh what have we here

a little tea party no

not teasing me are you no for talking

the animals talk

come on give it up i'm all over your

game you can't hide behind a bunch of

barnyard beasts

okay you caught us knew it in the middle

of discussion of the interplay of

theosophy and philosophy in the poetic

works of rimbeau bimbo rambo well i

don't know from rainbow but you can't

talk zilch with a bunch of animals cause

animals don't talk

did she tell you where the cup is hot

cup she stole it herself

i'd like to get back to work

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oh i'd do anything for a nice cup of tea

[Music]

do anything for a cup

come on lancelot if we move quick we can

say we solve the crime we're so close to

that cup i can taste the tea

so close you can taste it huh

where is it it's near afternoon tea and

still no cup i shall forever be

remembered as wendell the tilas oh what

a black day this is my legacy is doomed

i must have my teeth

how dare she suspect the father of the

royal personage i'll have her ponytails

tied in knots

come lancelot this game no longer amuses

me

excuse me have you found out who took

the cup

well

i saw alfred offer a cup of tea to a

wombat

you two kids and hello mr queeks while

working in his hammock was heard to be

idly humming a wistful version of tea

for two like dear this is quite serious

marjorie was heard to say she'd do

anything for a cup of tea i saw ogg

pretending to have tea with a bunch of

animals and the good mayor waved on

about tea this and teal is that

i knew it like him are you sure your

observations are correct i mean i truly

don't believe i would do anything nor

would i hunting is my passion in the

blood so to speak i caught a cricket in

your life now take a fella like myself

mind his own business hardly ever steps

out of his cave well i wouldn't leave

either if i had a nice cup of tea to

keep me company you're kidding

in the course of my investigation there

was only one person i didn't see a

person i still don't see a person who's

not here that person

therefore has got to be the perp

who's not here the what

greetings royal subjects hell goes thou

all it was lou

my lulu

he certainly looks a bit guilty me i

couldn't i wouldn't well i might have

but i didn't it wasn't me promise

sorry i borrowed the cup for an

experiment in cold fusion it didn't work

thank goodness it's back i knew i didn't

take care i'm just so glad to have it

back to you anyone yes indeed

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my favorite lancelot i'm cut to the

quick i can't believe that my own

subjects would think that i could ever

indulge in something as petty as

stealing can you believe it

me

well okay there was the one time with

the cookies and of course there was that

pie in the candy and i did borrow my

dad's parrot but i just needed a couple

of feathers they did grow back

eventually

ain't no cars no phones ain't no parking

ain't no chaperones ain't no leprechauns

ain't no mortgage loans ain't no hairs

alone

ain't no kidney stones ain't no

microphones ain't no slideshows ain't no

carry-on

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is

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