01x05 - The Harvest Moon Festival

[bunniefuu]

[MOANS]

I’m sorry for having to move our little rendezvous early.

I have an engagement this month on the full moon.

When this happens, it’s not
really something I fuss about...

But do you really need the book

for this farm bullshit?

I have, like, fifteen new clients

waitin' for heads to roll.

As shocking as it may seem, Blitzy,

my grimoiiiiiire is actually incredibly important.

And it isn’t supposed to be lent out

to itty-bitty Imps like yourself.

The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion!

It’s been my annual duty to showcase it in the Ring of Wrath.

It’s celebrated by a very charming little festival with the locals.

Wrath, huh?

My employees are from there.

I’ve never really there,

It's full of inbred chucklefucks.

Oh! Why don't you all join me

at the festival?

I can guarantee you all special access~.

[GIGGLES]

Look, I told you we're not bodyguards, okay?

That was a one-time thing we did badly.

I'm simply offering a work-free day of fun!

I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival.

It's the same every year.

Well, if you promise this isn't some f*ck fest invite.

It does sound like it could be a blast and a half.

Plus, it's not like we can do jack sh*t without your book anyway.

Aww, I’m sowwy your clients will have to wait…

Oh, f*ck my clients!

[SNORES]

[LOUD RINGTONE]

What do you want, sir?

Hey, hope I didn't wake ya, Mox!

How would you and Mils like to visit

the Wrath Ring for some harvest bullshit this year?

The Harvest Moon Festival?!

Yee-f*ck'-haw!

Well, Millie likes the idea.

Wait...

Where are you calling from?

Mhm...

Of course.

Momma!

Daddy!

Yeehaww!

How's my deadly little pumpkin spice doin'?

I’m good, Pa!

Thanks for lettin' us stay here
for the harvest jamboree.

It's no trouble.

We know you aren't making as much anymore

since y'all went "freelance".

Freelance pays fine, Ma!

We’re doin' fiiine!

It's fine.

Anyway, y'all remember my husband Moxxie?

Huh.

Greetings, Lin! Joe!

How have you been now with all the flaming

twisters and stuff around here?

We lost our old farm head to one of them terrors last week.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]
Oh... Oh, crumbs.

My bad!

I am so sorry.

I didn't mean to open that wound, sir.

Hey! Watch it. I'm the "sir" here, bucko!

Oh yeah!

Y'all haven't met my boss Blitz

and his hellhound!

I'm not just his hellhound.

Yeah! She's my daughter!

Only on paper.

Y'all don't deserve to know my name.

It's a pleasure to finally meet the

sperm and egg factory that popped out this

little gen of an assassin.

You two raised a study b*tch!

That we do!

So... Blitz is it? Heheh

That's a fine name.

It reminds me of w*r.

[sighs happily]
Nothing like a little w*r to make a strong man!

I like you people.

Y'know...

More battles were won by
technological advances in warfare.

I've researched the history of weaponry extensively

and it's inspiring how...

for example, the progression of g*ns utilizing

angelic technology has changed

the landscape of Hell’s combative…

I mean…

w*r fun!

g*ns get the job done, but a man ain't nothing

if he can't tear the head off a hellish beast

with only his bare hands!

[LAUGHS]
He's right, Moxxie!

You got cute wittle baby hands

like your baby d*ck.

Refrain, sir.

Speaking of strong hands!

Y'all should meet our newest help!

Hey, Striker!

Well, howdy!

Oh, looky here!

You must be the famous Mildred.

Heard some good things

about you from your folks, little lady.

Ohhh!

What're y’all doin' so far away from Imp City?

Heh. The free workin' finally slowin' down?

Oh no! Freelance isn’t free!

It's a--... Never mind.

We’re just visitin' for the festival.

The prince is our boss’ boyyyyfrieeeend!

Millie, I am not above hitting a female in front of her daddy.

Boss, huh...?

Ohhh, so YOU'RE the bold imp to start his own k*lling biz?

Yeah, well if you’re good at somethin',

you should probably capitalize.

Not many Imps start businesses on their own.

That’s pretty impressive, sir.

Oh...!

Yeah? It is-- I- I- I guess- I guess it is, isn't it?

So you even conned that ditzy

blueblood into gettin' you to the surface?

Well, it’s long and complicated,

but the short answer is yes.

But he’s not like, you know--

W- We’re y- We're not, like... We’re not doing it...

We w- What's betw- It’s a transactional f*cking, you see.

Y'know... you boys should enter the Pain Games!

I heard games! What games? I’m in!

Every harvest festival,
there’s a competition to be the roughest,

toughest b*stard in Wrath!

Yeah! Wish I could play!

Millie, you know you get too carried away.

The last competition ended in fifteen separate funerals.

I’m aware, but I only caused nine of them!

How come Sallie May still gets to compete?

Your sister doesn’t have a neighborhood head count.

She so does!

It doesn't count if they don't find the bodyyyyyy!

Still, you get to root for her and your brothers,

and now you can cheer on your boss!

Y'know, she can also cheer for me.

[LAUGHS]

...Wait, you?

Yeah! I can compete, can’t I?

Sorry, boy, but I don’t think sensitive,

thespian types would last very long in the games.

I was born here, too!

I have some fight in me!

Huh. Well then, little fella...

Why don'tcha help me wrangle one o' them hogs for dinner?

Simple. Watch me!

Nah... with these.

b*ll*ts can’t pierce the shell.

You gotta get the knife underneath and

pry yourself an openin'.

Oh! Right, right. I knew that.

Now, just remember, your rep with the in-laws

is on the line here!

So, no pressure at all, you totally will

not make an a*s of yourself in front of everyone important in your life.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Ohhh.

Mox, you don’t need to do this!

Oh, he totally does.

KICK ITS a*s, MOXXIE!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

f*ck yeah, Moxxie!

Ride it, Moxxie!

Make it that b*tch you won’t call back in the morning!

This is f*cking beautiful.

Doin' great, Moxxie!

Send me that video later.

Ow... My clavicle!

Don’t worry, little one...

You never stood a chance.

Hey, boss man!

You wanna help the men skin this thing for dinner?

Oh, I am always down to skin

the manly meat with the manly men!

That’s what she said!

What "who said"?

Wait, what b*tch is talking sh*t about me?!

Don’t let 'em get to you.

And hey, you don’t need my parents to respect you.

They will eventually.

No, they won’t.

What? I’m right, ain’t I?

Oh, I’mma enter in those games.

Hmm, how pissed would you be if I bet on him dyin'?

Welcome, I say-a, welcome-a...

all to Wrath-a Ring’s-a annual-a Harvest-a Moon-a...

a-Festival!

To kick things up, we have the great prince Stolas-a,

here to usher in this here Pain Games!

How kind, Wackford.

Greetings, tiny... Wrath Ring Imps!

I hereby welcome you all to another year of celebrating the spoils\

of your labor that continue to feed the citizens of Hell!

I’m happy to kick off the start of these games that

will challenge the toughest Imps to show their skill in dominance.

Good luck to you all!

Especially that sexy little one there...

Yoo-hoo! Blitzy!

Ugh. f*ck me.

MOTHER FUC--!!

I say, I say, for the first year ever,

we have a tie for winner of the Harvest Moon Pain Games!

The winners are… Striker,

aaaaand my darling Blitzy!

Just say my name RIGHT! f*ck' d*ck!

Alright, so he has the “physical advantage.”

I’m better at other things, like singing!

I’d like to take this opportunity to sing a quick song

I wrote just now, about me winnin'.

Oh, WHAT THE f*ck?!

♪ Sweet victory…
I smell the smell. ♪

♪ From up in
stinkin’ Heaven, ♪

♪ to the rugged rocks of
Hell, sweet victory ♪

♪ With everything I do ♪

♪ With every talent, I’m so
much more talented than you ♪

Isn’t this guy great?

♪ Everytime I tryyyy,
I push it and succeed. ♪

False!

It’s gonna be nice workin' with him.

Working with him...? WHAT?!

♪ Every first attempt of
every single deed ♪

Yeaaaah!

I asked him if he wants to join I.M.P.

You asked… But…

♪ Me! I’m totally the best. ♪

Mox, I think you’ve had enough for now.

Let’s head back to the house and get you clean.

♪ The super cool
me, handsome guy- ♪

[cough]
♪ Moxxie, go f*ck yourself ♪

♪ Did you hear something?
It was just the wind. ♪

Thank you. You're too kind.

Well, that’s troubling.

Oh my crumbs!

A genuine carmine crafted blessing-tipped r*fle!

How…

How in the f*ck did he get one o' these?!

Why don’t you ask me, little dude?

sh*t!

W- Why do you have this... mister?!

You are aware this kind of weapon can k*ll--

…demon royalty?

Yes. That.

No sh*t.

That’s kinda the point.

Okay. Well I’m-

I’m relatively concerned by your possession of this...

I’m also glad my instant dislike of you has been vali--DATED!

Pathetic.

Millie…

I’d k*ll y'all, but I feel like there’s more leverage

with your rodeo clown of a boss if I don’t!

Plus, you little things ain't worth the cleanup.

Millie!

Oh, Satan!

Moxxie, I’m fiiiine!

I got worse than this during the flower tufts at my brother’s weddin'.

But I caught that f*ck' bouquet,

and it was f*ck' worth it!

You just have to get out there, and

f*ck up that brownnosin' c*cksucker for me!

But I can’t break through it.

I’m not strong enough.

Not with your hands, baby.

Use what you’re good at.

I’m not good with my hands?

Ohhhh.

Right. Yeah. Yeah.

I… I probably should’ve used this earlier, huh?

I love you hun…

but for f*ck’s sake!

My dear commoners of the Ring of Wrath!

I, Stolas of the Ars Goetia, hereby curse this year’s

harvest with the glow of the true Harvest Moon!

Uh, excuse me?

The f*ck?!

Bliiiitz!

I thought you were still at the ceremony!

You thought I wanted to stand around with a buncha

hillbillies excited about corn n' sh*t with a thirsty owl on stage?!

Huh.

And now you seem disappointed in me.

Yeaaaaah.

Well, I’m not a fan of someone I offered a job to about to off my

easiest lengthy ticket to Earth behind my back.

Blitz, come on.

You know, the two of us are superior than most of our kind.

And you were so above suckin' on a disgusting, rich,

pompous Goetia, only to sneak topside for scraps and

work for bitter sinners, who could care

less who you are, when you could be slaying Overlords.

Why struggle to run a business that is rigged against you?

When you could partner up with me and k*ll...

the unkillable?

Starting with the one that treats you like a plaything?

Ooh, that’s kinda hot.

We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitz.

Wow. That was a good f*ck' pitch.

Been workshoppin' it.

Y'know what? f*ck it. I’m in.

Huh?

Took ya long enough, Mox!

Ha-HA! Wow, you should’ve seen your dipshit face!

Wow...

Woah, okay. Cliché much?

Oh, you daddy f*ck!

AAAAGH!!

AAAGH!

You dumb f*ck lost the upper hand fast, huh?

HA! You seem to have forgotten something, f*ck!

[WHISTLES]

Ugh, f*ck' damn it, Loona.

It’s a damn shame, Blitz.

We might actually've made a good team...

Ah well.

In your wet dreams, you h*nky-tonk GOAAAAT!

I still think it’s embarrassing.

You’re wastin' a lot of potential relyin' on a weak little--

You gonna finish that f*cking sentence...

pard'ner?

Vermin.

Who’s weak now, b*tch--?!

'Kay, I’m here.

Maybe you’ll get me next time... Blitzy.

I can’t believe you let him trap you, Millie!

Haven’t we taught you better?

I was seein' red, Ma!

And he was slippery!

Excuses! You’re better than that, Mildred!

Y'know, she protected me.

And maybe I’m not a strong beefy dickhead,

but Millie has the strength enough for both of us!

You two are getting on her case about being hurt by a psychopath you hired?!

Shaaaaame on you!

Aw, Moxxie, look at you!

Speechin' like a big boy with his big paaaants!

Wooow! He nodded!

He’s never acknowledged your input before!

Soooo, is that progress?

Huh...

I failed to k*ll the target at the festival.

But don’t worry, ma'am...

It won’t happen again.

It better not!

I want this cheating prick dead!

I don’t care who you have to go through!

MAKE IT HAPPEN!!

Understood.

I’ll get him next time.

♪ Sweet Victory ♪

[Subtitles by
SleepyJay/RBJesse]

♪ With everything I do ♪

♪ With every talent, I’m so
much more talented than you ♪

♪ Everytime I tryyyy,
I push it and succeed. ♪

♪ Me! I’m totally the best. ♪

♪ The super cool
me, handsome guy- ♪

[cough]
♪ Moxxie, go f*ck yourself ♪