03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

[cheering and applause]

[sirens wailing]

[Haines] The Met have been after a London
drug dealer known as The Dean for years.

Yet I've just arrested him
with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

I think you put the cocaine in his car.

When were we supposed to have done this?

How about a donation for my bucket?

[Myrna] How would we even go about
planting drugs in a man's car?

- I've been at the...
- Community Centre.

- All day.
- You never let them out of your sight?

No, ma'am.

[John] We're suing you
for wrongful dismissal,

breach of contract,
and workplace bullying.

I'm middle-aged, divorced and unemployed,

but I think you're terrific
and I wondered if you'd like

to grab a bite to eat sometime.

You can't park here
unless you have a disability.

I do. My girlfriend's a crippling bore.

- Oh, charming!
- Wait--

[Big Ben strikes the hour]

Come back to bed.

Er, yeah. I'd...
I'd love to but I have to...

I have to go out.

When are you coming back?

I'm not sure.

Oh?

Mysterious. [laughs]

Well... can I see you again?
I had fun tonight.

- [softly] Yeah.
- Yeah?

Great.

Well, let me get my phone
and we can swap deets.

[door shuts]

Can you just... just pull over here?

[tense music plays]

[opening theme music plays]

[sheep bleating]

[chickens clucking]

[pigs grunting]

[speaking indistinctly]

- [man] You got those Maris Pipers?
- [woman] Yeah.

[sheep bleating]

Some people think Community Payback
is an easy option.

- A soft touch.
- Yeah, everyone.

Well, it ain't.

This lot may look innocent enough,
but never forget,

you are dealing with hardened criminals.

Why do they hate me? It's like they
know I had a bacon roll for breakfast!

Never show weakness.

These offenders will eat you alive,

unless, like me, you're tough

and you've earned their respect.

A bit like Michelle Pfeiffer
in Dangerous Minds.

I'm exactly like Michelle Pfeiffer.

But I bet you look better
in a PVC catsuit.

Inappropriate but I'll allow it.

[whistle blows]

[rooster crows]

[sheep bleating]

[Diane] Listen up!

This is Stan.

Stan is a trainee
Community Service Supervisor.

Stan is a h*m*,
which does not matter.

Stan is also my protégé,
which is a French word for 'minion'.

Isn't 'minion' already a French word?

Do you want cinq more hours?

Non.

Now I want you to think of Stan
as an extension of me.

A second head growing out of my neck.

Now, I want you to treat
this second head with respect.

As much respect as the first head?

- No.
- So how much respect?

About half.

The second head is definitely
inferior to the first head.

I want you to blow this and say,
"Back to work."

What, already?

God, this job moves quick.

Only got my first pair
of smart shoes on Monday.

Welcome to the jungle.

[whistle blows softly]

You're gonna need to work on that puff.

No, can't call him a poof,
it's h*m*.

No, "puff", "work on that puff",
like whistle blowing.

Apparently, you can say... you can say
"q*eer" again now. That's come back.

I'm not risking it.

It's like in the '90s when they said that
Vietnam is now a holiday destination.

I thought, "Yeah,
wait and see on that one."

- [whistle blows]
- Back to work.

Now, you four.

You're this close to completing
your hours, all right?

So less attitude, more servitude.

Back to work.

I don't suppose you've got
any blister plasters, do you?

These brogues are still pinching.

Suck it up. Pain is
weakness leaving the body.

[Rani] Hey!

I need your help!

[all gasping]

[Myrna] Oh!

- Is he dead?
- Yes!

We have to hide the body.

I'm sorry, "we"?!

This isn't my car.
People will be looking for it.

- She means, why would we help you?!
- Because you're all involved!

[John] How? We haven't
seen you in six months.

Sorry, this might seem
like an obvious question,

but why have you got a dead body?!

[eerie music plays]

- [man] It's a lovely day for it, innit?
- [man 2] I'm gonna get some snout and...

In this job, you need a sixth sense
for what's happening all around you.

These criminal types
are always up to something.

[Greg softly] Jesus Christ!

And it's our responsibility to know what.

What have you got there?

- Oh...
- Hay.

What, it takes four of you
to carry some hay?

How heavy is it?

You'd be f*cking surprised.

Townies. Hurry up then.

See, what I did there was wave
my authority d*ck in their face.

- What are you writing down?
- Your words of wisdom.

Oh. What have you got so far?

"Crime costs" and "Here's your invoice".

"Napoleon said rule with
an iron fist and a velvet glove.

Wrong. Rule with an iron fist
and an iron glove".

And "Bring your own bog roll 'cause
these b*stards will steal anything".

[chuckles] Good advice.

- [distant ship horn blares]
- [seagull caws]

- [door rattling]
- [woman] Police!

Open up!

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Does this mean I have
a shot at another date?

Maybe I'm just here
to order some jerk chicken.

What, at eight in the morning?

- Heart wants what it wants.
- So...

how about tonight?

Yeah, I'm gonna have to check my diary.

- Mmm.
- But...

it's looking good.

Yes! Looking very good.

[she laughs]

I'll see you tonight.

I'll see you later.

[Myrna] No to ill*gal deportations!

[man] Right, everybody out, please!

[protesters singing]
♪ We shall not, we shall not be moved ♪

♪ We shall not, we shall not be moved ♪

♪ Just like a tree
that's planted by the water ♪

♪ We shall not be moved ♪

[man] Bye-bye then. Move on.

[Myrna] I'm heavier than I look, aren't I?

Like a futon.

Myrna?

Sean.

You haven't changed.

You have.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

- Last time I pay for speedy boarding.
- [chuckles]

I thought that you and your wife
lived in Toronto.

We're divorced. I'm gonna be
back in Bristol for a week.

Doing a guest lecture at our old
university, shilling my new book.

Yeah, I read your last one. I liked it.

Would you... like to go
for a drink before I leave?

Er... no.

No, I'm really busy, all the time.

Well, if you get a free moment,

here's my number. Oh?

So glad I ran into you.

Who says activism achieves nothing?

Here's hoping to see you soon.

The boundary wall does encroach five yards
further into Mr Cowen's property

- than you and your wife first indi-ca-ted.
- [woman] Ooh, yes!

Ooh, that's so good!

Erm, now taking this to the courts
would be time-consuming.

- It's expen...
- [woman moaning]

- ...sive.
- [moaning continues]

But what I can recommend
is contacting the Land Reg--

Can you give me one second to discuss
something with my paralegal?

[women moaning and laughing]

[woman] Yes!
[laughing]

Gabby, please!

This is supposed to be
a business hub, not Pornhub.

- Oh, God.
- [both giggling]

We agreed. Silent scissoring only
between nine and five.

Don't worry. Greg always pops out
at midday for a Boots meal deal.

- Now, that is sexy talk.
- Do you want to hear the full order?

- Mmm.
- One large steak bake.

Ooh, Mama!

A bottle of strawberry Yop.

Mmm!

Some...

ridged McCoy's.

Ooh, ridged!

- Mmm.
- And a KitKat.

Yeah?

How many fingers?

Four.

[both giggling]

[soft moaning and panting]

[moaning loudly]

[doorbell rings, loud knocking]

I need legal advice.

- [loud passionate moaning]
- Are you listening to whale music?

No, it's Gabby and her new lady friend.

They seem to be taking part
in some kind of sex marathon.

I can't believe they haven't cramped up.

And God knows what state
their n*pples are in.

I'm just glad I didn't sponsor 'em.

Right. You know that airport protest
I was telling you about?

- Yeah.
- It worked.

I got arrested.

I'm trying to resolve a particularly
heated hedge dispute so we're all busy.

Oh, no, this is a work question, Greg.

No, it's only a work question
if you pay me, Myrna.

I've ploughed all of my money
into the anti-deportation campaign.

This will have to be pro bono.

I can't afford to dole out
free legal advice.

Oh, come on! Would you like
to get sent to a hotel in Rwanda?

Yeah. I bet it's quieter.

- [loud moaning and buzzing]
- Great!

- They've moved from acoustic to electric.
- [loud moaning]

It's like this 24-7.

[Gabby sighs] Oh!

Did you take the batteries
out of the remote?

Oh, I'll put them back when
we're done. Hi, darling! Mwah!

Mrs. Cosgrove next door
complained about the noise.

She was watching This Morning and
couldn't hear Alison Hammond laughing.

- And that's saying something.
- You look flushed. What's going on?

Nothing. I'm menopausal.

No, it's something else.

[gasps] Oh, my God! You've met someone.

Okay. That is incredible.

Oh! Tell me everything!

Sean, an old flame
from way back in the day.

We bumped into each other at the airport.

- When are you meeting him?
- Oh, I'm not meeting him.

I'm just telling you 'cause of
the mad coincidence of it all.

No, but why wouldn't you go and
give yourself a chance at happiness?

Because, unlike you two,

I don't believe that being coupled up
is the answer to life's problems.

My girlfriend says that as single people

we weren't human beings,
we were human doings.

Are you dating a fridge magnet?

You don't have to marry this guy.

Why don't you just meet him
for a drink and see what happens?

I'm not going.

- Myrna, I know you're scared but--
- I'm not scared.

You can't jump out of a plane
without jumping out of a plane.

I have done massive cocaine deals

and been chased by gangsters with knives,
I'm not scared of anything.

So why aren't you going?

Because I'm...

I'm busy.

Fine.

But, erm...

for the sake of argument,

if I was scared...
how would I deal with that?

Well, step one, we call him. Come on!

Give me his number.

Come on, now!

I want you to act like you've just had
six glasses of Chablis in the bath.

- Depressed?
- No, mellow.

And no politics.

Why would I pretend to be
somebody that I'm not?

When dating we pretend
because we are horny.

- [Gabby] Hmm?
- Oh.

Chablis in the bath.

[phone beeps, line ringing]

- [Sean] Hello?
- Hi, Sean.

This is Myrna.

I just drank a bottle
of Chablis in the bath,

and not because I'm suicidal.

- Good to know.
- Um, so?

I was thinking, that, erm, that drink.

I think that that would be...

mellow, dude.

Great.

Is our old pub still there?

Yeah, but they've
gentrified the sh*t out of it,

cos the Tories gave
tax breaks to the rich!

Ah...

But the point is...

it's nice.

- 8:00pm?
- Great.

And, Myrna, I'm glad you called.
I'm looking forward to it.

Me too.

I won't be pressured into sex!

Not #MeToo! "Me too" as in,
"I'm looking forward to it as well."

Oh! Me too.
I'm looking forward to it as well.

[phone beeps]

Yay!

Now, what do we wear?

This.

Darling, you're dressing for a date
not selling kombucha at Glastonbury.

[male voice on app]
And a deep breath out.

Feel yourself shifting
into a calmer energy state.

Let your breath ground you
and repeat with me:

- I am blooming as a flower...
- I am blooming as a flower...

- and float through stress...
- and float through stress...

- like petals in the wind.
- like petals in the wind.

[inhales deeply]

Through stress like petals in the wind.

[car door opens and shuts]

[softly] Alright then.

[electric car starter beeping]

- Derek?
- Yes, mate.

Do you have a preferred route?

- No.
- Okay.

I think we'll take the A432
up through Fishponds.

[John] Google Maps will tell you
that's seven minutes slower,

but it will also tell you to take the M32
even though it's down to one lane,

so good luck getting past
Frenchay Hospital at rush hour, eh?

There's a recent copy of GQ
in the back there.

Nice little interview with James McAvoy.

Got Smints if you need them,
Winter Fresh and Spearmint.

If you need a charge cable, I have
Lightning, micro USB and USB-C.

And there's some bottled water
in the door gully.

And not the cheap bottles that
you get from the corner shop.

You know, the ones that are
all too thin and squishy

and it sort of squashes
when you try and open it.

You end up splashing it everywhere
and now you've got water in your lap

before your big presentation.

Oh, right. Message received, friend.

[Gabby] Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Now this...

this is the look.

But I can't walk.

I need to be able to walk, don't I?

No, you'll get a cab to the restaurant.

And remember, keep it light,
keep it frothy.

Laugh at everything he says,
play with your earrings a little,

and, needless to say, eat nothing.

I'm starving!

Oh, darling, you eat before you go.
Restaurants are no place for eating.

[indistinct background chatter]

Hey! [chuckles]

[soft guitar music plays]

- Do you want to see the menu?
- [she laughs loudly]

I'm hungry.

- Are you hungry?
- No.

I just had a baked potato.

Hmm.

[Myrna coughs softly]

So this is special, innit?

- It is really special.
- Eh?

And I can't tell you
how I love this clock.

- I can tell you're excited.
- [loud passionate moaning drowns out TV]

- [Gabby] Oh, my God! Oh!
- [TV volume increases]

All of these holes here
tell a story to do with lots of

- transformations this clock's had.
- [loud moaning continues]

So the holes are saying that
something else was there before.

Yeah, it's like a house.
You wouldn't expect a house to stay...

Would you like another
cheese-and-pickle sandwich?

I would actually. That would be great.
Thanks very much.

[passionate moaning continues over the TV]

Oh, you know when you were
swimming at the lido earlier

and I left you a few messages
about being careful?

- Eight messages.
- Eight messages.

Yeah, well, the reason is, I realised
if you were to slip in the changing rooms

and crack your head open,
I don't know your blood type.

- Neither do I.
- Put that knife down!

Right, I'll make the sandwiches, you make
a doctor's appointment, immediately.

- [Gabby shrieks with pleasure]
- Oh, that was a lucky escape, love.

[Sean] Aly went into psychology, like me.
Connor wants to be a drummer.

Or a professional hacky sacker.
We're still negotiating.

- What about you? Any kids?
- No.

I wanted to change the world.

- Not--
- Not nappies.

I remember.

[laughs] Do you regret it?

Not having children?

I regret a lot of things.

I regret...

being thrown out of Live Aid
for protesting.

About the whole white saviour complex?

No. 'Cause Phil Collins got
way more time than Sade.

Well, to hell with regrets.

To... second chances.

- To second chances.
- [glasses clink]

Shall we get more wine?

Well, actually, I have to get going.

I've got a tutorial
tomorrow morning at 9:00am

and if I don't get eight hours sleep,
I have to take a week off.

Right.

Okay.

Now, as you know, I don't
keep secrets from you guys,

so this is just a little update
on my mental and physical health.

I'm still in Alcoholics Anonymous,
Narcotics Anonymous,

and anger management. I know,
I am more damaged than a Yodel parcel.

But on the physical side,

I did have a little scare recently.

A couple of months ago,
I was getting these

really heavy periods,
and I mean, loads of blood.

It was like that bit in The Shining.

And my gyno discovers
these growths on my womb

called uterine polyps.
Now, nothing cancerous,

but I did have to have them
removed just in case.

The operation was fine. Worst bit?

No sex for six weeks!

Those were the days.

Now, thankfully, that healing period
has just ended

and my flatmate Greg can confirm
my sex life is back to normal. Right?

- So I've heard.
- I am hornier than a Viking's hat.

And you know how horny I was before.
But, guys...

get yourselves checked out
regularly downstairs, okay?

I don't care if you've got
a fanny, ba*ls, both, neither,

you just make sure you have a good
rummage around for Auntie Gabby.

- [phone buzzes]
- Oh, babe, someone's calling you.

- Oh.
- [phone beeps]

Spare no detail.

He says he has to leave because of work.
What does that mean?

He has to leave because of work?

He's making an excuse.

I put myself out there and
now look what bloody happens!

Did you have a good time?

I thought we did.

Even if it doesn't work out this time,
you are back on the horse.

I should never have agreed to this!

[relieved sigh]

Oh! Hi, Ruth.

Myrna.

This is, erm, Sean.

My, er... my friend.

John Halloran's wife.

- From Community Payback.
- Nice to meet you.

- And you.
- [they chuckle]

Tell John I hope he's well.

What are you doing?

I was...

I was going to kiss you.

I thought you had to go.

[sighs] I don't want
to have any regrets.

Neither do I.

[horn blares]

Hey, can I ask you a question?

It's my daughter's birthday in a few days.

What would you buy a teenage girl?

She loves... she loves horses.

Loves rolling her eyes.

You should get her a dad who
just shuts the f*ck up and drives.

[whispers] I am blooming as a flower

and float through stress
like petals in the wind.

[John] I am blooming as flower

and float through stress
like petals in the wind.

I am blooming as flower

and float through stress
like petals in the wind.

Oh, erm, Gabby got him

into Gwyneth Paltrow's
favourite mindfulness app.

Yeah, he's just connecting
his mind to his vag*na.

Now what?

Now we bury him.

On the farm?

No, I just brought him here
to see the pigs.

I have a question.

Who exactly...

would we be burying?

[cell door slams, distant shouts echoing]

You seem anxious.

[The Dean] Oh, do I now?

I really hope he puts those marvellous
powers of perception to use in court.

Don't you, Smiler?

Of course I'm anxious.

I'm on trial in three days

and the prosecution's key witness
is still breathing.

What happened, Smiler?
I told you to deal with it.

They got him stashed somewhere.
I'm trying to triangulate that sh*t.

As your lawyer, I must advise
against triangulating any sh*t.

And what's your plan?

Aside from shafting me
for 500 quid an hour?

As we agreed, I discredit him
in the witness box.

Along with the entire police case.

And the girl, Smiler? Did you find her?

She's been bouncing around,
but I believe she's in London.

What do you want me to do?

As your lawyer, once again,
I must advise against violence.

[The Dean sighs]

I was framed.

By a small-time dealer and a school girl.

[sighs]

Either their heads roll or mine will.

If the bodies start piling up,
every finger points at you.

Do what you have to do
but after the trial.

After the trial, Mr. Lawyer,
I'll be in f*cking prison!

You're not going to prison.

That's why you pay me 500 quid an hour.

- [Smiler] What do you want me to do, boss?
- I want you to triangulate sh*t!

That's what I want!

I want to know the whereabouts of
Christian Taylor and Rani Rekowski.

[knocking]

[DCI Monroe] DS Selforth.

- You know Rhona Weaver from the CPS?
- Yep.

She's leading the team
prosecuting The Dean.

Go ahead.

From the requests I've been getting,

I'm certain The Dean's defense
will be that he was fitted up.

For God's sake! By who?

Lucy Haines.

The three P's of police work
are persistence,

persistence and...

persistence.

[laughing]
That's brilliant!

- [Diane chuckles]
- It's an old joke but it's true.

Now, we arrested this man
thanks to persistence

and the Regulation of Investigatory
Powers Act, which means?

- Diane?
- You spied on him.

We call it surveillance.

No, yeah. I know that.
Just dumbing it down for this lot.

Over 18 months,

email intercepts, undercover operatives,

and bugs planted in his warehouse
helped us build a watertight case. Now...

who else do we target
using RIPA legislation?

Anyone other than Diane?

Sophie, we haven't heard from you today.

She don't know.

Anyone at all?

[Diane clicks her fingers]

Come on, guys, we covered this last week.
Charles in the back?

I guess Diane then.

Who does RIPA target?

Fraudsters, t*rrorists, paedos.

Correct.

Have it!

[Rhona] Do you trust her?

It's an office joke her straight Lucy is.

She made us show a receipt
for her birthday cake.

- And the candles.
- Be that as it may,

our end has to appear Daz white.

Which is why I'm bringing in
the Counter Corruption Unit.

- Oh! Can't we keep this in-house?
- It won't look good enough to a jury.

Rhona, personal favor.

Just give us a few days.

Just so we can see what's
going on here ourselves.

Forty-eight hours.

Sergeant Haines, with the exam
fast approaching, can I ask,

will there be anything on those lights
that show up fingerprints and jizz?

- I can't tell you that.
- Can you give me a clue?

No, you can't give me a clue,

or you just gave me one
but it was too subtle to notice?

[sighs] If I want to be
a police detective,

I need to be able to spot my own clues.

Roger that, ma'am.

So, when do you fancy
going for a drink with me?

Obviously, not in a l*sbian way.

I'm a demon for the c*ck, as you know.

I have to get back to the office.

Gonna crack open a bottle of whisky
and open up some cold cases?

- I don't drink.
- No?

I always had you pegged
as a Cagney type.

- A what?
- Cagney & Lacey.

Police show from the '80s.

Cagney was a big drinker.
Lacey was more about family.

Still a bloody good detective though.

We're a bit like Cagney and Lacey,
aren't we?

Both great police,
mutual respect for each other,

always bantering back and forth,
usually while walking.

- Goodnight, Diane.
- Night, ma'am.

Lucy is not bent.

You stood right there while she said she
wouldn't apologise for being ambitious.

That if she collared The Dean
then we'd all take a bow.

She had motive and opportunity.

Motive maybe,
but she never had opportunity.

I was with her the entire time, sir.
She never had a chance to plant a thing.

I respect your loyalty but I need you
to double-check that Lucy is above board.

I'm not policing my partner, sir.

It's either that
or Counter Corruption march in,

and even when Lucy's found to be clean,

she has a stink on her
for the rest of her career.

I'm asking you to do her a favor.

- Is that an order?
- If it makes you feel better.

[sighs]

[Haines on tape]
You're a smart young woman, Rani,

so I take it you realise, you and
your friends are in a lot of trouble?

[tape rewinding, play clicks]

[Haines] The Met have been
after a London drug dealer

known as The Dean for years but could

never pin anything on him.

Yet I've just arrested him
with ten kilos of cocaine in his boot.

How did I do that?

Knowing you, ma'am, it was by doing
some bloody good police work.

Did you stop pulling over black men
and start pulling over criminals?

Still using cassette tapes?

Where do you even buy them now?

I'd like my one phone call, please.

And it will be to a sex line,
so I'll be needing some privacy.

[tape rewinding]

You are saying, under caution,

that you've had no dealings with
a drug dealer known as The Dean?

I'm saying that if I were a clever

and ambitious policewoman
who just caught a major criminal

that the Met Police
have been chasing for years,

I wouldn't question how it happened.

I'd take the win.

[tape rewinding]

I wouldn't question how it happened.

- I'd take the win.
- [door opens]

Burning the midnight oil?

Somebody's looking for a raise.

What you listening to?

Just checking a few things
before we testify.

Anything I can help with?

All set, thanks.

So, how was tonight's lecture?

Instructive. You should come sometime.

- You might learn something.
- [laughs]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[distant siren wailing]

[suspenseful music plays]

[cellphone beeping]

[line ringing]

[voicemail] Yo, you're calling
Christian Taylor but I can't chat,

so leave your deets and I'll holla back.

[voicemail beeps]

[cellphone beeping]

[taxi driver] Thanks, love.

[phone buzzing]

- [phone beeps]
- Hello?

Is this Rani?

[phone beeps]

[ended call tone beeps]

[phone beeps]

sh*t.

[Tori] Stride in to out.

- [Ben] In to out.
- Yeah? You kind of push through it.

Push through what?
What am I pushing through?

- Push your stride!
- [both laughing]

- [she laughs]
- Ooh!

Do you know what? I think I need a break.

Okay, that's probably a good idea.
[chuckles]

- [Ben] Hoo!
- You did good though.

[Ben sighs] No.

I must have looked like such an idiot.

Nah. You...

- You look cute.
- Mmm.

Mm. I'd rather look...

tough.

Don't think you can look tough
on roller skates.

- Mmm.
- It's like being a gangster florist.

You know you've a better chance
of impressing me with your cooking.

How's about I cook you breakfast sometime?

That's very forward.

I mean, you could come over
at breakfast time sometime.

Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

- Do you know what? On that note...
- [chuckles]

I'm g-- I'm gonna go. I'm gonna practice.

- [Tori] You got this.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Was that a push-through?

- In to out.
- In to out, in to out.

[chuckles]

Here we go. All right, I'm doing it!

[phone ringtone plays]

[phone ringtone plays]

- Ben's phone.
- [Rani] Who is this?

Tori. Who's this?

Is Ben there?

Er, he'll be back in a minute.

I don't have a minute!

Can I take a message?

Tell him Rani called. I have to deal with
a loose end and I need to speak to him.

[ended call tone beeps]

[♪ Omar Lye-Fook:
"There's Nothing Like This"]

[gentle music plays]

[Myrna breathes heavily]

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Shock to the system, that's all.

A good shock?

Happy tears.

Don't do the menopause, that's all, Sean.

- [sighs]
- I promise nothing.

[both laughing]

So...

are you gonna come round
for breakfast sometime?

Yeah, I will.

- Any allergies?
- Ibuprofen.

Well, I promise not to season
our omelettes with Nurofen.

Much appreciated.

Goodnight.

For you.

- Ah, thank you.
- Mm.

- We'll get you there.
- Mm, one day.

- Mmm.
- [both laughing]

I'm sorry, I...

I forgot. Erm...

Your phone rang and I answered.

It was someone called Rani.

What did she want?

Something about dealing with a loose end.

She said she needed to speak to you.

Rani's my ex.

and I don't need to speak to her.

Not ever.

[soft music plays]

What was that for?

Being so honest.

Do you want to come in?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- [both laughing]

Who's Tori?

What?

I called you last night and
someone called Tori picked up.

- She's a girl that I'm seeing.
- For how long?

- That's none of your business.
- How did you meet?

She works at the hotel
across the road from my café.

- [laughs] Oh, right, okay.
- [Ben] What?!

- No, go on.
- Did she pass on my message?

- Yeah.
- So why didn't you reply to me?!

Because I haven't heard from you
for the past six months!

What was I supposed to do, hmm?
Just drop everything because you ring?

You left him on a train and broke
his heart. He was humiliated.

- Exactly!
- Yeah.

- Wait. What?
- Huh?

How do you know?

Myrna told me.

What?

- Myrna, how did...
- I heard it from John.

- Well, how do you know, John?
- It's common knowledge, isn't it?

No, it's not.
I haven't told anyone. Have you?

No.

I heard the driver felt so sorry for you
he let you have a go on the horn.

No, that's not true.

I heard a little girl gave you
her comfort blanket.

- Well, that never happened.
- I heard you were so fragile,

an old lady had to help you off the train.

That never happened, okay?

Look, can we just focus
on the real issue here, which is...

what happened to him last night?

After I left Ben on the train,

I stole a car.

You stole a car?

I drove it to London, dumped it

and, with my cut of the money,
I moved into a hotel.

I spent my time shopping.

- I got some tatts.
- You said you were scared of needles.

I hit up some art galleries,
went to some gigs.

Oh, did you see
the virtual reality ABBA show?

No.

I think you missed out.
I hear it's like they're in the room.

Greg!

Not appropriate.

I was just living my best life.

And last night, I met this guy and
brought him back to my hotel room.

[man sighs]

[Ben] Wait! Wait.

You brought a guy that you
just met back to your hotel?

Yeah, he was hot.

Oh... Oh, sh*t.

- Can you jump to the nitty-gritty?
- I think she already did.

- [man sighs]
- The nitty-gritty of this!

[Rani] Me and this guy
worked up quite a thirst.

So I'm getting us a drink
when there's a knock at the door.

[loud knocking on door]

[creaking]

Shhh!

Shhh! Shh-shh-shh.

[Rani] Smiler says,
"I know how you did it."

What? Did what?

[Rani] "How you and your mates
framed The Dean."

He tells me to meet him later that night,
gives me an address.

And I go there early
and watch him go inside.

I follow him in and find him
just lying on the floor.

I- I'm checking to see if he's conscious

and someone attacks me from behind.

[both shouting]

[Rani screams]

[Rani shrieks]

[Rani] And at some point, the attacker
stabs Smiler with my knife.

[Smiler groans]

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Your knife?!

Yeah, a steak knife.
I brought it from the hotel.

To a meeting?

Oh, yeah, I never leave
for a meeting without keys, phone,

m*rder weapon!

It was for self-defense!
I didn't know what he was planning.

Okay, so this "mystery man" stabs Smiler.

Then what?

Then I knock him out.

[Rani shrieks]

And I'm on my way out
when Smiler calls out.

He's weak and he's wounded
but he manages to say...

Help me!

[groans softly]

I get him into his car and he's just...

- [Smiler] Oh, man!
- ...bleeding out in the back.

Like Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs.

What's that?

You've never seen Reservoir Dogs
and you missed ABBA Voyage?

- How are you living your best life?
- Greg!

Smiler is directing me
to this backstreet doctor he knows.

- [Rani] Which way?
- Bear straight.

- Okay.
- Oh, man!

[Rani] And I'm just driving like a maniac.

Where am I going?

And then I look back...

and he's gone.

- [door rattling]
- Ooh!

- [Diane] Why's this door locked?
- [knocking]

Open this door!

[knocking]

[John whistling]

What's going on?

What's going on in here?

Yeah.

We're just consolidating...

the chicken feed.

But why is the door locked?

It's pigs.

They come in and... eat it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I see...

everything.

All right?

So less skiving in a shed,

more manure being spread.

Understand?

Good.

And get that hay put away.

[all sighing]

[birds chirping]

[sheep bleating]

[indistinct chatter]

Why did Rani have to bring the body here?

We were in the clear,
now we're in Weekend At Bernie's.

What do you lot think of her story?

You think she's capable
of making all that up?

I think she is capable of anything.

But why would she k*ll Smiler?

When she called me last night, she said
she was "dealing with a loose end".

She k*lled Smiler because
he knows what we did.

So what are we saying?
That Smiler's death was premeditated?

That Rani's a stone-cold psychopath now?

- Maybe she always was.
- What do you mean?

One minute she's a shoplifter, the next
minute she's running a drug empire.

She's threatened people with violence.
She walked out on her family.

She walked out on you.
To me, that is pretty cold behavior.

You know how you can tell
if someone's a psychopath?

If everybody yawns but one person doesn't
that indicates a lack of empathy,

- which is the mark of a psychopath.
- Who told you that?

Idris Elba.

In an episode of his hit show Luther.
We're not mates.

I wish.

We need to get that body back in that car.

No. We just moved it from the car.

- Why did we do that?
- Because Rani told us to!

Yes, but why? Why?
She knows we can't keep it here.

She's trying to incriminate us.

She wants our DNA all over the body
so we won't go to the police.

- Come on.
- Come on.

Do you know what
the three P's of policing are?

- I feel like I do, yes.
- Yeah, what are they?

- Police station.
- No.

- Police dogs. Police car.
- No. No.

Persistence, persistence, persistence.

That is genius. Did you make that up?

- Definitely.
- You should write a book.

Yeah. Already have. Self-published.

It's about how I changed my life around
from bad girl to badass.

- What's the title?
-"My Struggle".

Isn't that what "Mein Kampf" means?

Yeah, but I don't speak German,
so how was I supposed to know?

Diane.

Oh, DS Selforth.

Have you met my new g*y underling Stanley?

- Stanley, this is Detective Sgt. Selforth.
- Hi.

You're the first policeman I've met
who's not a stripper.

Ooh!

Diane, I need to ask you a few questions.

Absolutely, sir. Head that way.

DS Selforth works with my best friend,
Sergeant Lucy Haines.

She and I are a bit like Cagney and Lacey.

He's more like the original Cagney
that was fired after season one.

- Mm.
- Solid, just not the same chemistry.

Who are Cagney and Lacey?

[scoffs]

I've got so much to teach you.

[grunting]

[body thuds]

[John grunts]

[body thudding]

[all straining]

What are you doing?!

[all panting]

We're putting the body back in the car.

No. No, no, no. No, no.
I told you, you can't. The car is hot!

[Myrna] Well, it can't stay here!

Come on. [straining]

[Diane] Having discovered the plastic egg,
I suspected that

illicit drug activities were happening
at the Community Centre.

Sergeant Haines concurred
with my findings and deputised me

so that I was her eyes and ears.

She didn't have that authority.

Well, it was an unauthorised deputisation.

- But it still counts.
- Slay.

During the day of the grand opening,

was there any point where
your offenders went unsupervised?

No, sir. All day I was like a hawk,

crossed with an owl 'cause my head
was turning 360 degrees.

It's actually a misconception that
owl's heads can turn 360 degrees.

Who are you, David Attenborough?

You told Sergeant Haines that you
never let the offenders out of your sight.

No, sir.

An ant did not wipe its arse
without me knowing.

Brilliant.

You never took, say, a bathroom break?

- Who told you that?
- Told me what?

Never mind.

Diane?

it's imperative that
you're totally frank with me.

[sighs] Fine.

I was approached by one of the offenders,
Lady Gabriella Penrose-Howe,

- and she...
- You supervise Lady Gabby?

Oh, my God! I love her TikTok.

I mean, her tips on a**l bleaching
literally saved my life.

[Diane] Yeah.

- She and me are like that.
- Oh!

But I do not fraternise with criminals.

- Although we are close. Mm.
- Oh!

- Just so I can keep an eye on her.
- The bathroom break?

Yeah, so Lady Gabby approached me

and informed that a temporary lavatory
had been desecrated by vomit.

Er...

But I soon discovered
that it was in fact soup.

Whereupon a malfunctioning door lock
detained me inside briefly.

You got trapped in a Portaloo?

Briefly.

After leaving the, er, Portaloo,
I assume you did a head count?

Er, no.

- No?
- No.

Have you ever tried
maintaining law and order

with minestrone
sloshing around your gusset?

Hmm?

No, I have not.

Yeah, it ain't pretty.

- I need to speak to your offenders.
- I need to speak to the offenders.

Is "gusset" one S, two T's?

Well, don't put that down!

[suspenseful music plays]

[grunting]

- Hey, guys!
- [Greg] Hello, Gabby.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Gather, gather, gather!

Gabby, what the f*ck are you doing here?

Well, I need some advice
from my very dear friends.

[sheep bleating]

Now, I had this message
from a fan on Instagram.

She's a medical student and she's seen
my posts about, you know, the polyps

- that I had removed from my womb.
- Uh.

She said it's quite likely
that the polyps will return.

So I went to the doctor this morning
and it turns out

there's only a really small window
in which my uterus can grow a fetus.

Like, eight weeks.

Now, my doctor didn't tell me this,
so what do I do?

What are you asking us, Gabby?

- Well...
- [Diane] Oi!

- Why are you here?
- [Gabby] Diane!

Oh! Oh, my God! I love you!

- [chuckles] That's so sweet.
- I can't believe that you're here.

I mean, this is more exciting
than when I saw Keira Knightley

in a Timpson's getting a key cut.
Can I get a selfie?

Er, no! Stanley, not appropriate.

You've already finished your hours. Go!

- I need to talk to her.
- Uh, stay!

Right.

When was the last time
any of you saw Rani Rekowski?

- Who?
- What's Rani? What? What's it?

Ask him. Him and Rani lived together.

[Selforth] Have you seen
or spoken to her recently?

No. Not for the past six months.

She dumped him on a train.

Is it true that the lady with a trolley
gave you a free can of Boddington's?

- No!
- Oh.

It was a hot chocolate and a flapjack.

[Gabby] Wait! Rani dumped you on a train?

Guys, why am I always the last
to hear about everything?

- [pig grunting]
- [Myrna] Why are asking about Rani?

[Selforth] Police business.
It's very important I find her.

Gabby! [mutters]

Erm... will you please tell us
about your uterus, please?

- Well, I had these polyps removed.
- Oh! She mentioned this on TikTok.

And basically, if I ever
want to have a baby,

then I have to get pregnant
in the next two months.

- God! I knew those polyps were trouble.
- [Gabby] I know, right?

You know, I thought I'd have more time,
to be honest.

So, what do I do? Should I have a baby?

- Yes!
- You think I should?

- Yeah, defo have that baby.
- [Myrna] Definitely.

[Stan] I mean, you'd be an amazing mum

because lately you've really
turned an emotional corner.

- Do you think so?
- Just a bit!

Oh, good, 'cause I wasn't sure.

Because, you know,
I'm barely six months sober.

I'm in a brand-new relationship,
and what kind of mother would I be?

You know, my own mother k*lled herself.

- Nice!
- What?!

- Sorry. Is any of this useful, sir?
- No.

- You're dismissed.
- Oh, but, Diane...

- Hey! Do you want five more hours?
- No.

Everyone else, back to work.

[Rani breathing heavily]

[Ben] Good day, Diane.

Did you ever witness any private meetings
between Sergeant Haines and Rani Rekowski?

Negative, sir. Sir, what is this about?

I can't say.

You know, I'm a fully qualified
PCSO now. I can help.

Yes, you can, by notifying me
if you see or hear anything suspicious.

- Are you unofficially deputising me, sir?
- No.

Oh, okay. I'm happy
to surveil the offenders un-deputised.

Ta-ra.

Now you'll see how
real police work is done.

- By a real policeman.
- No, by me.

[sniffs]
I can sniff out crime like...

- Like puke in a Portaloo.
- No, a bloodhound.

And let me tell you,
the stench of crime is in the air.

- And I'm like...
- A big Febreze.

Yeah!

Hey! Make up your minds!

Is that hay going in or out?

- [Greg] Going in!
- [John] In, I think.

Right, come on then!

- [sighs]
- Are you okay?

They're useless, aren't they?

All this moving of bodies.

[yawns] I'm exhausted.

[yawns]

Me too!

[yawns] I am plum tuckered out.

[yawns]

[♪ Tracey Thorn: "Femme Fatale"]

Oh, yeah! Your ex is a total psycho.

[Myrna] Mmm.

♪ You better watch your step ♪

Aargh!

[Smiler groaning]

[body thuds]

♪ ...heart in two ♪

♪ It's true ♪

[sighs]

♪ It's not hard to realise ♪

♪ Just look into her false-coloured eyes ♪

♪ She'll build you up
to just put you down ♪

♪ What a clown ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody knows
She's a femme fatale ♪

♪ The things she does to me ♪

You bought a motorbike?

Yeah.

I don't like trains.

[clicks her tongue] Yeah!

[both straining]

[Ben] sh*t!

[digging]

I'm blooming as a flower.

I float through stress
like petals in the wind.

[Greg] This ground's rock solid.
We're never burying him here.

[Myrna] Have you got a better idea?

Couldn't we feed him
to some kind of animal?

Oh, yeah, very good.
Let's just take him to the zoo, shall we?

Throw him to the lions.
I'll bring the kids. Make a day of it.

[Myrna] I can't believe we're
burying a body for a m*rder*r!

[John] I can. Rani was right.
We're all involved.

[Greg] Yeah, if the police find this body,
they'll dig up everything we've done.

Wait! Aren't we supposed to cut off
the hands and feet or something?

What? No! Do we?

Hey, Google.
How do you dispose of a corpse?

- Don't say that into your phone!
- No.

[Myrna] Here, come on!
Let's just get this hole dug!

- Yeah, and feel free to join in.
- Oh, I can't dig. I did my back in.

How?

Sex.

With whom?

An old flame.

Sean.

It was supposed to be
our second date tonight.

Oh, well, thanks for cancelling...
so you could come down and do sod all.

Speaking of relationships,

I ran into your wife in a pub.

I do let her out from time to time.

Yeah, but she said something
really strange. She said,

"Tell John I hope he's well."

Yeah, she can be quite formal, Ruth.

Everything all right?

Everything's great.

- Are you sure?
- Never surer.

[Greg] Hey, love.
I haven't spoken to you since lunchtime.

Just wondering what you had for din-dins.

Ah, all right. Call me back.

It's your boyfriend.

Greg.

Dillard...

[phone beeps off]

What?

I'm sorry, mate.

My gravedigging
interrupting your love life?

[both straining]

So, where you gonna go after this?
Back to your mom and dad's?

No, I'm not going to
drag them into this again.

No?

Okay, er...

Hotel?

No, I can't have my credit card
showing up anywhere.

All right, so, so where?

- No. No.
- Oh, come on.

- No, Rani, no.
- Please!

Just till I know no one's
looking for me. Please!

Fine.

I don't deserve you!

[both straining]

[water bubbling]

[water bubbling]

[♪ Tracey Thorn: "Femme Fatale"]