01x03 - Ocean

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Kids' show.

♪ Kids' show.

♪ Oh, good Lord, it's a kids' show. ♪

♪ Kids' show.

♪ Kids' show.

♪ Change the channel for... kids. ♪

Today's Wonder Showzenis brought to you by the ocean...

and Tyler and dedicated to the memory or Him Sr.

Oh, hey, kids.

Today we're learning about burial at sea.

all: Yay!

Our friend Him is going to dump his dead dad's ashes

into the ocean.

all: Yay!

Okay, Him, make your peace.

Me sad to say good-bye to me dad.

Dad, when me had you cremated, me didn't know

it would k*ll you.

Dump those ashes.

I'm sick of this.

Nothing's coming out of there, you meat-faced cretin!

There's something stuck up your urn hole.

It must be your father's last wish.

Looks like a treasure map.

According to this, if we follow this map,

we'll find a crystal chalice of pure liquid imagination.

A chalice of pure liquid imagination!

You know how much money the corrupt U.S. army

would pay for something like that?

Like, $.

[cha-ching]

We're going to be rich.

Chicken rich.

But imagination can be dangerous.

But danger can be fun.

Mr. Chauncy, you're crazy.

Okay, Mr. Sun, send us on our adventure.

[wind howling]

Look, kids.

Here comes America's most perfect kid, Tyler.

♪ Tyler is special.

♪ Tyler is wonderful.

Tyler.

I wash my hands.

I follow the rules.

I'm good.

I'm Tyler.

Tyler.

Oh, hey, here comes Pottymouth.

Hey, what the [bleep are you [bleep doing?

We're playing Tiddly Winks.

It's fun.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Hop the [bleep on, b*tch.

Thanks, Pottymouth.

This is [bleeping awesome.

Oh, no, now you're a potty mouth.

Hop the [bleep] on, b*tch.

This [bleep] rules.

And so on and so on and so on and so on

and on and on and on.

And you get it.

You get it.

We all get it.

It's great.

Breaking news at this hour.

Due to a violent decrease in violence, graphs

charting violent decline have themselves grown

increasingly violent.

These graphs have sharp arrows and should

be considered dangerous.

Here with more about this is our beat kid Trevor.

Hi, I'm one child, and I'm here reporting live

at the horse racetrack.

[horse whinnies]

♪ Kids on the beat.

♪ Kids on the street.

♪ Beat kids.

♪ Beat kids.

Hi, I'm Trevor.

Hey, James.

How you doing?

Good, how are you?

Good.

Good.

So you want to show me around?

Yeah, let's take a walk.

Okay.

So this is where all the dreams are shattered, huh?

Some.

So they'll probably start them somewhere on the back side,

and then they'll come, and they'll finish right here.

Come on!

Come on, come on!

No, Orphanage!

No, Orphanage!

I got a hot tip for you.

You do?

I could use a hot tip.

Try taking a shower once in a while.

Okay, I'll do that.

This place has all the charms of the inside

of a dead man's lung.

You think so?

Okay.

Is it true that they sell the losers

to the chop suey factor?

I'm not going to respond to that, Trevor.

We actually retire the horses through

an organization called the Thoroughbred

Retirement Foundation.

Is that what you call the chop suey factory?

Me likey.

No, it's not what we call the chop suey factory.

I want to tell you about a horse named

You're Creeping Me Out, Old Man.

I'm what?

Why don't you just cut out the middleman and give

your social security check to the Mafia?

I'm not going to respond to that, Trevor.

How much gravy do those donkeys eat every day?

How much gravy do they eat?

Yeah.

Not very much, 'cause you see they're not very heavy.

How much gravy do you eat?

[laughs]

I'm not going to respond to that, Trevor.

Oh, my God.

The Kromdar gemstone.

This means that some adventure is still at large.

It's always been my dream to punch a horse in the face.

Can you make my dream come true?

You be the horse, and I'll be the dreamer.

No, I don't think you should do that.

I can do an impression of you.

You can do an impression of me?

Yup.

Oh, I bet you can't.

Don't forget, I'm an older man than you.

I can do it.

Let me see what you're going to do.

Gamble, gamble, gamble, die.

Oh, no.

This is--look.

I'm in the--look at the-- this is a--I'm in the--

this is a bad habit.

What are the odds of you ever getting a girlfriend?

to .

I lost my beautiful wife, and I don't want any more.

I'll never get another one like her.

Okay.

High-five.

High-five.

Come on!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah, we won!

You're a loser!

You're a loser.

You're a loser.

I won.

Your horse lost.

I'm eating chop suey tonight.

This is one child for Beat Kids.

♪ sl*ves built the pyramids. ♪

♪ sl*ves built the Parthenon.

♪ sl*ves built America.

♪ sl*ves, this is your song.

♪ Thank you, sl*ves.

♪ Thank you, sl*ves.

♪ Thank you, sl*ves.

♪ sl*ves, this is your song.

♪ Thank you, sl*ves.

As the st Infantry, they were the most elite U.S.

fighting unit in Vietnam.

But now, due to a woefully inadequate veteran's benefit

system, they're living on the streets,

and they're known as Hobo Ops.

Fall in, men.

Here's the situation.

Charlie stole our shopping cart full of recyclable cans.

Damn.

Those Cong savages.

They've totally cut off our supply lines

for tonight's whiskey.

Looks like we got us a recon mission.

Stealth, I need you to sneak into the liquor store

and make sure the coast is clear.

No problem.

I'm invisible, 'cause I'm a poverty-stricken black man.

Grenade, when Stealth gives you the all-clear,

you retrieve the cart.

Semper Fi.

Submarine, you go dive in that dumpster, and get me

a part of an old dirty sandwich.

I'm hungry.

Yes, sir, Sergeant.

Tank!

Tank!

What?

Get this plan into action!

You're the boss.

Let's do it!

You get out of here now.

Hey, you!

Come back with my shopping cart!

I thought I taught you a lesson long time back in my homeland

when you took my ear.

Let me help you up, brother.

So--so cold.

Don't you die on me, Stealth.

Go on without me, man.

I'm not leaving you, you b*stard.

God damn it.

This mission is bigger than one man.

It's about the cans and the bottles.

Just do me one favor.

Sorry, buddy.

I don't have any change.

Tell that Saigon wh*re I still love her.

Actually, find out if she still loves me.

And if she does still love me, you tell her I love her.

But if she says no, you tell that stinking filthy

b*tch I never even thought she was pretty.

Well, gentlemen, we got what we needed.

But we lost a good soldier.

To Stealth.

I know you're down there in black heaven.

Here, here.

You know, you men are the only thing keeping me

going in this world.

Mommy, who is that man talking to?

Just ignore him, honey.

Just ignore him.

And watch all of these wonderful commercials.

[Star-Spangled Banner]

Dry sheets in the morning.

I wish I had my innocence back.

I wish the screaming would stop.

I just want to punch God in the face.

I want to crawl inside your head and eat my way out.

I wish the screaming would start.

All the boogers I need.

What did Hitler say?

Oh, nothing?

Okay, nothing.

I want Bernadette turned back into my daddy Bernie.

I wish my parents were back together...

in hell.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to cash in our pirate treasure.

What are you going to do with your cut of the money?

I'm going to give all my money to Charity.

Oh, Charity, take it.

It's a write-off.

Me think me will use me money to invest in textiles.

I'm going to give it to charity hard and fast

all night long.

Take it, take it.

It's : in the morning.

I'm having so much fun.

Damn, you were tearing them victims up.

Yeah.

All this imagining is dangerous.

We should be more like Tyler.

♪ Tyler is special.

♪ Tyler.

Tyler.

Take a bite.

You know you want to.

Take a bite.

Come on.

Oh, hi.

I'm Tyler.

I'm good.

I feed the homeless.

I'm good, and I'm Tyler.

Tyler.

I think warthogs are beautiful,

but people say I'm ugly.

So I guess that makes me stupid.

Look, Dad, I made it.

I'm on TV.

How's prison?

♪ They're on an adventure.

♪ You're not on our adventure. ♪

♪ You never had an adventure, 'cause you're sitting ♪

♪ on a couch like a loser.

♪ Smash your TV and have adventure. ♪

♪ Smash your TV and have adventure. ♪

♪ Smash your TV and have adventure. ♪

♪ Smash your TV and have adventure. ♪

[machine g*n firing]

[crickets chirping]

I'm so hungry.

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

Oh, Chauncy!

Work it.

Oh, Chauncy.

Ch--Chauncy!

What?

Oh, wait.

Hey.

What's happening?

I never thought of shaving my beard

and freeing all the sl*ves.

But I thought of shaving the sl*ves

and freeing my beard.

If I were a pony, I would fly away

on a unicorn's back across a rainbow

and under a moonbeam to the rings of Saturn,

where Mommy would let me wear makeup

and get my ears pierced.

Also, I like sparkles and porno.

The only difference between special and wonderful

is Tyler.

I'd like to read to you my favorite passage

from the Bible.

"Blah blah blah, boring blah blah blah,

"hmm blah blah."

And brushy, brushy, brushy, brushy, brushy, brushy, brushy,

brushy, brushy, brushy.

No brushy.

Could this be it?

It must be it.

There it is!

I can't believe it's happening.

[glorious music]

Sorry.

Him just excited.

Liquid imagination.

Let's get this to the government,

get some fat green.

Be careful, Chauncy.

This looks pretty good, actually.

That's dangerous!

Chauncy, what are you doing?

That's dangerous!

Chauncy, no!

I'm freaking out.

I've suckled from the teat of cosmic truth.

I want to do it again.

I'll gobble a goat's ba*ls for another sip.

Don't get hooked on imagination, Chauncy.

It can lead to terrible, horrible things.

Oh, look, here comes Tyler.

Whoo.

Tyler.

Tyler.

Seydonni?

Do you think America is having a spiritual crisis right now?

How?

I don't know.

I made a movie about it.

Let's take a look.

Hi, I'm Clarence, and today I'm trying to get

people to accept Jesus.

Can I talk to you for just one minute?

No, I'm sorry.

But Jesus needs you.

Will you accept Jesus into your heart?

Of course.

Of course?

It's in already.

So you did it for me?

Yeah.

Can you say, "Because of you, Clarence, I accept

Jesus into my heart"?

Because of you, I accept Jesus in my heart.

That's great.

All right.

Well, I'll see you in hell.

Okay.

Okay.

I just want to see if you would accept Jesus.

I told you to go away.

Now, if you don't go away, I'm going to call the police.

How's that?

I'll call Jesus if you call the police.

I just want to see if you'd accept Jesus into your mouth.

You know, when we're up in heaven, we're not going

to have any clothes anymore.

Why not?

Well, because we don't need clothes in heaven.

No?

Yeah, and you can see my body, and I can see yours.

Do I see all my relatives that died?

Yeah, want to see them all naked.

You're such a nice guy.

I want to do something nice for you, okay?

All right, here goes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, nice, yeah.

Yeah.

Get away!

Keep it away, I said.

Keep it away!

But I was just going--

So you're going to do that?

You're going to beat me to death?

Well, you said you wanted me to weep with joy.

That's the only thing that would make me weep

with joy.

Jesus, please.

I want a plate of spaghetti with a thousand meatballs

piled high so I can climb the meatballs all the way

up to heaven.

You're up my alley.

And I want the meatballs to climb right up my alley.

Okay.

Yeah.

You want that too?

Yeah.

How many meatballs you want to climb up your alley?

Five.

Five?

Okay, for Jesus?

Right.

Yeah.

All right.

I love you, Jesus.

I love you, Jesus.

Keep it away!

Let's play "Funny, Not Funny!"

children: Funny!

Funny!

Not funny!

Funny!

Not funny!

Funny!

Funny!

Funny!

Not funny!

Funny!

Give me one more sip, one more sip, please!

No, me no share with you, Chauncy.

I'll do anything.

I'm desperate.

This chalice is the only lasting legacy of

dead father, Him Sr.

Well, how about if I offer you one c*ck wiener?

One wiener?

Yeah, on a toothpick.

You drive a hard bargain, Chauncy.

Yeah, give me a sip.

But we make deal.

Yeah, give me a sip!

Give me wienie.

Give me chalice.

Chauncy, no.

Chauncy, you're drinking too much!

Chauncy, you've used up the world's imagination.

No one can happen to save us now.

♪ Not enough imagination.

[applause]

Thank you, thank you.

See, Chauncy?

No reason to fret.

It's not real, liquid imagination.

It's just plain tap water.

The power of imagination was inside you all along.

Wow.

So you can trip out on the power of your own mind.

So I guess, in the end, I learned that danger is fun.

Now, kids, if you don't want to suffer a painful death,

you can't mess around with...

all: ♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination, imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination, imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination, imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination.

♪ Imagination. Imagination.

Today's Wonder Showzen was brought to you by...

sl*very...

and fun.

Bye!

Good-bye.

Bye.

Good-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.