01x05 - Nature

[bunniefuu]

[dark ominous music]

♪ Kids show, kids show.

♪ Oh, good Lord, it's a kids show. ♪

[whip cracks]

♪ Kids show, kids show. ♪

♪ Change the channel for... For kids. ♪

Today's Wonder Showzenis brought to you by... Nature--

announcer: From Co Cor.

Girls--

announcer: From Co Cor.

And--

announcer: Co Cor.

From Co Cor.

Oh, hey, kids.

Hi, Chauncy.

It's such a beautiful day today.

I just gotta sing.

Wh-what's wrong, little flower?

He's faking it.

He just wants attention.

[coughing]

What--what's wrong with you guys?

What's happening to nature?

There's something wrong with Mother Nature.

She's having a sex...change.

A sex change?

[echoing] Why?

[crow cawing]

[expl*si*n]

[echoing] No!

Don't worry.

I'll find Mother Nature and help her.

Now you kids watch this.

[whistle]

A boy has penises, and a girl has fff--fur.

I got two of each, so I'm covered.

Girls deserve respect.

Boys earn it.

When you kick a girl in between the legs,

they just giggle.

My daddy's beard is my mommy.

The glass ceiling.

Girls are really good at washing it.

They say men are pigs.

Maybe, but we're oinking all the way to the slop.

Why don't you ask God?

She'll tell you.

Boys are smarter.

[unintelligible speech]

[puck]

Clarence, let's watch one of your annoying movies.

What? Okay.

Hi, I'm Clarence.

I'm in Harlem finding out what gets people mad.

What gets people riled up?

What gets people angry like this guy right here?

Hi.

What's this about?

My name's Clarence.

We're doing it for the kids.

We're finding out what gets people mad.

What'd get me riled up?

Yeah.

White people.

White people?

Yeah.

What gets you riled up?

No, I don't want that noise, okay?

No, no, no, I don't want this noise.

Get out from my face.

I don't want this noise.

What are you doing?

Come on, get out from my face.

I'm going to break it.

What are you doing?

What are you doing with this, huh?

Come on, get out, crap b*stards.

But we just want to find out what gets you mad.

[speaking unintelligibly]

Well, we just want to find out what gets you angry.

'Cause they m*rder us.

This is their thing.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying.

It's like m*rder, people, stuff.

Man, it's not stuff.

What he's saying is if you get mad, k*ll somebody.

Right?

That's right.

That's right.

That's what they're doing, yes.

Yeah, that's what you should do, right?

No, that's not what you should do.

That's what you would like to do.

Yeah, yeah.

And what you should probably do?

Yeah, I guess so.

I got you to admit it.

[laughs] Yeah.

Okay.

Do you ever get mad when people try to bite you in the nuggets?

That never happened before.

Oh, yeah?

Let's give it a shot.

Ow, hey, don't fight me off.

I'm gonna get him.

Does it get you riled up when people start to mock you?

Uh, sometimes.

[mockingly] Uh, sometimes.

Aaahh--

Yaaaah.

[speaking gibberish]

Well, Clarence, you all right, dude.

Clarence, you all right.

Wa, wa, wa.

[laughs] Okay.

Okay.

Bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

Rah, rah.

Silence.

Hang on one second.

Okay.

Turn off the camera for one sec, okay?

Tell me what you really think about the Jews.

Uh, the Jewses are, uh-- they like to come out--

they have their own police.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah, they like to check us.

Yeah, keep talking.

Oh, yeah.

Keep talking.

Hang on one sec.

All right.

You got that all on tape?

Okay, send 'em in.

Turn that off.

Turn that thing off.

Send in the cops.

Send in the Jew cops.

[laughs] Turn that thing off.

You don't want to hear my real [bleep] for the kids.

Yeah, let's hear it.

Let's throw it down.

Don't hustle.

Don't sell drugs.

Say it for real.

Talk it real.

Let me tell you, B, you're gonna get m*rder*d.

No, but say something real.

[bleep] will snatch your body up and chop it up in, like,

mad pieces, yo.

Yeah, but say something real.

I'm saying something real, man.

Come on, front.

Say it real, come on.

I'm saying it real, yo.

That wasn't real enough.

More real. More real.

[bleep] take my picture, my brother.

What? Okay.

We just wanted one question for the children.

[bleep] the kids.

[bleep] the kids?

[bleep] the kids?

From Co Cor.

[birds chirping

I tracked down Mother Nature at her cottage,

and I think she's got a visitor.

Are you ready to sign the deed to nature over to me,

Mother Nature?

Yeah, this money is just what I need to finish

my sex change operation.

I don't really care what you do with the money.

Just sign here.

Yeah, I already started the hormone treatments.

I'm just one ball away from being Father Nature.

Please, just take the money and sign.

You're creeping me out something fierce.

All right, I'll sign here.

[ominous music]

[ding]

Oh, my God, kids, Mother Nature sold nature.

[thunder claps

What's going to happen?

[dramatic music

[expl*si*n]

Breaking news of this hour: nature has been purchased

by Co Cor.

The multinational corporation plans to "jazz it up," making

all of nature more attractive to the consumer.

Renovations will include putting a loop-the-loop in the

Mississippi River.

Small mountains will be augmented to become more

appealing to the American man.

A wildlife cutification process will include plastic surgery

for all buzzards, hippos, and walruses.

[engine revving]

The Amazon Forest will be clear-cut to make room for the

construction of Amazance, the world's banginest

jungle strip club.

And Africa will be reformed in the shape of an ice cream

cone for the USA to enjoy on a hot summer day.

In other news, black nationalist Brother Rufus Truthfist is

gaining in popularity, traveling to grade schools

debunking the myths of popular children's nursery rhymes.

It's a commonly accepted myth perpetratulated by the so-called

white man that Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch

a pail of water.

And they would have done it too if the CIA hadn't

infiltratulated their neighborhood and gotten

Jack and Jill hooked on crack and pills.

He made me think, And I do not like that.

Little Bo Peep was a sl*ve name.

It ought to be Little Bo Shibaz XP.

I don't like his message, but he's dreamy.

Now, Baa Baa Black Sheep was into white women.

Damn sheep.

He told me you can't trust the media, because you're a

bunch of dirt--

Great people.

Jerks.

So who's the real Big Bad Wolf in this story?

[together] The white man.

Yay!

Yeah.

[whistle

♪ Well, there's a little man ♪

♪ inside my head who tells me what to do. ♪

Go fill your pants with chili.

♪ And the little man inside his head ♪

♪ has some ideas too.

Your lung would make a nice hat.

♪ But the little man inside his head ♪

♪ is freaking crazy.

God is real.

♪ 'Cause the little man inside his head-- ♪

Breathes corporate thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder,

thunder, thunder.

Yeah, those guys are nuts.

But me, I got it together.

Now check this out.

Hey, computer, how can I get a girlfriend?

All creatures have a mating call to attract a counterpart.

Okay.

[high pitched call]

Hey, ladies.

Don't give me no lip.

Excuse me, can I ask you a question?

Yes.

When did you first learn that Jesus was black-ack-ack-ack-

ack-ack-ack-ack...

[thud]

Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack?

I don't think that he is either one.

Girls are more in touch with their emotions.

Well, I have one emotion for you.

Zip it, toots.

[whip cracks]

Hi, I'm Milana at the zoo reporting for Beat Kids.

[faux newsreel music]

♪ Kids on the beat.

♪ Kids on the street.

♪ Beat Kids!

♪ Beat Kids!

Hello, my name is John.

I'm the director here at the animal farm petting zoo.

Most of the animals in this park are animals that people can

no longer care for.

Who would win in a knife fight between these two cows?

Obviously Blacky would.

Is that a metaphor for our society?

Yeah.

When did these guys get sworn into the police force?

Drink up, corporate pig dogs.

When a llama dies, do you flush him down the toilet?

I don't think he'd fit.

[laughs]

When my grandpa died, we flushed him down the toilet.

Yeah?

Hey, Melvin, can you say, "Smash the state"?

Let's bring him back up on his perch.

What do monkeys fling when they get mad?

Well, they've been known to fling poop.

Ever fling your poop back at the monkeys?

No, I never have.

That would just mess with their minds.

You have to be nice to the animals.

The animals that just flung poo at you?

Well, they don't understand what they're doing.

Just like our government?

[whip cracks]

These animals have it better than most people in the

Third World.

[whip cracks]

These monkeys slipped me this note.

Will you read it for me?

"Get me out of here.

"That guy practices his French kissing techniques on me."

They told me my grandpa was hibernating.

Yeah?

They lied.

Before you flushed him down the toilet or after?

After.

[whip cracks]

I want to crossbreed some of these animals.

Yeah?

Flip this on, Buttercup, for a night that

you'll never forget.

Hey, pigs, the cows said they want a little

bacon in their beef.

Now it's time for some undercover investigation.

Maybe animals will tell the truth to another animal.

Tell me about the secret abuse that goes on in here.

Tell me the truth.

What are you running from?

I'm one of you.

Be honest.

Who's the biggest nerd in here?

Is it me?

So your butt has no comments?

[farting sound]

Ooh, that's quite a comment-- on our society.

I gotta go take a [bleep].

You watch this.

[sheep bleating]

Oh, Mother Nature, if you go through with this sex change

operation, it could ruin the whole world.

Yeah, I was meant to be a man.

It's my dream.

Oh, no, it's not natural.

Look what's happening in the forest.

The trees are vomiting blood, and the daisies

are having flowerrhea.

It stinks.

And the birdies, they're raping the froggies.

It's not natural.

Yeah, I think I know what's natural.

I just got my second ball in the mail, and I'm ready to get my

home sex change on.

Ugh, I'm gonna throw up.

It's so sexy.

Mind if I watch?

I like it when people watch.

Well, let's do it.

Okay.

[machine beeping]

[upbeat synthesized music]

[upbeat synthesized music]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[machine flatlining]

[gasping]

Mother Nature?

Mother Nature?

Mother Nature?

Oh, she's dead, kids.

And all that's left of her are her lady parts, her sweet,

tender lady parts.

I can't help myself, kids.

[funky synthesized music]

[dramatic music]

[expl*si*n]

I've snuck into the headquarters of Co Cor,

the largest, most evilest corporation in the world.

This is the CEO's office.

I'm going to bust in and demand some answers.

Okay, ready?

What are you doing?

What are you doing in here?

I have the right.

Get out of here! Go on!

Let's watch a cartoon.

Mommy, I wet myself.

[oinking sounds]

Mommy, why are all the colored people

eating way over there?

[in male voice] Well, Marty, that's segregation, and...

You see, Marty, segregation is nature.

It's natural for things to stay with their own kind.

Really?

Sure.

Why, you've never seen an earthworm sit down to eat dinner

with a grizzly bear.

I say, old chum, this meal is most sumptuous.

The truffle oil in this blanched vegetable medley

is exquisitely prepared.

And my pleated donkey bones is dang-dong good.

Hear, hear.

We oughts to eat together more often.

It's dang-dong absurds that we don't.

Oh, 'tis indeed.

'Tis as absurd as a banana eating a melon.

[bed creaking]

[groaning]

[boing]

That was spectacular, sugar gum.

Now listen, I think we should break up.

Why?

'Cause we're a couple of fruits?

Yeah.

Things ought not fiddle with their own kind.

You know where that could lead, y'all.

Ah, so.

[puckering sound]

Now do you understand?

No, it still seems unfair and cruel.

Well, that's fine, Marty, but you're going to have to

bottle those feelings.

Bottle feelings?

That's right.

You can bottle anything in Co Cor's new bottles.

You've got my attention.

Now just tell me more.

Co Cor's new bottles hold thrice the marmalade

as an old bottle.

These are not your grandfather's bottles, and I'll be telling him

that tonight--in bed.

[dark piano notes]

female announcer: Strap on your black-on, kids,

'cause MTV has a hot hew host, Rufus Truthfist.

Rub-a-dub-dub, them cops beat me with their club.

[together] Power for the people.

announcer: His black rage is all the rage.

You put your black man in, you take your black man out,

you lock your black man up, and you shake him all about.

That's called the Honkey Pokey.

Let's roll the clip.

[light synthesized music]

♪ Now, the gingerbread man was a pawn of the man. ♪

♪ During the 's, he fought against civil rights ♪

♪ protestors.

[crowd cheering]

announcer: Get a fistful of tough truth shoved up your

ear hole for a super sexy hour of sassy black power.

The Rufus on fire when he lights up the loveline.

What's up, Trish?

Hey, Rufus, I'm your biggest fan.

Hey, baby.

You a sister?

No, I'm American.

Good-bye, Trish.

announcer: And things get funky when electro-wizard

Philip stops by.

Why do you hate white people?

Well, I hate everyone.

announcer: The revolution will be commodified

weekdays at :.

[all speaking foreign language]

[upbeat instrumental music]

♪♪

[machine flat lining

[funky synthesized music]

Hey, kids, don't watch me.

Watch this.

[expl*si*n]

All right, settle down, y'all.

Settle down.

Now, I thank you all for coming.

I called this press conference to announceulate the secret

connection which I have discoverfied between Mother

Goose and the Co Cor Corporation,

which is as follows.

[g*nshots and screams]

Oh, I've been shotified, assassulated.

[g*nshots continue]

I'm just a patsy, kids.

And now to take your mind off it, here's the hip-hop,

tip-top Vide-vo from Jessica Spears.

Check it.

♪ We've got to celebrate our differences. ♪

♪ Ching-chong-ching, chong-ching. ♪

♪ Ching-chong-ching chong-chong. ♪

♪ We've got to celebrate our differences. ♪

♪ Uga-booga-doo, uga-booga-do. ♪

♪ We've got to celebrate our differences. ♪

♪ Nacho, taco, chimichanga. ♪

♪ 'Cause it's beautiful when the whole world sings ♪

♪ together--

[all talking at once]

[expl*si*n]

Oh, I get it.

You're racism is so ironic.

We went to the mint.

We got to see how they make money.

Pimp sheets.

That's the machine that taunts you for being broke.

I wiped my number two on a $ bill, and I rubbed it

in that worker's face.

And he screamed, "Wash your dirty face."

Yuck.

I wish I could stamp that on my daddy's promises.

That guy makes $ billion a day--for minimum wage.

When I saw those workers, I said,

"You'll never make this much money."

I screamed at 'em, "Look at you.

"You make me sick.

"Hold your hands out.

"I need to throw up in your lower-class hands."

Yee-haw.

Look, that's the stuff Mom grovels for: cold hard cash.

I hope one day I could get a job in that factory so I can

yell at the workers every day.

I'm yelling at you, because I don't respect you.

Yay.

Look, there's a different sl*ve owner on every bill.

I haven't seen that many dead white men since my bris.

Sacajawea is on the $ coin just to remind the Injuns what

they died for: hot ladies.

[Indian call]

I took a dump in the safety deposit box.

Yummy.

I accidentally dropped a match in there,

and I burned it good.

Whoopsy daisy.

Burn, economy, burn.

[machine flatlining]

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Oh, I feel so ashamed of what I'm doing.

How do I take my mind off my shame?

I know.

[funky synthesized music]

Oh, oh.

W-what?

[groaning]

Mother Nature's coming back to life.

[machine beeping

It's working.

It's working.

It's working!

[birds chirping]

♪ Hooray.

Well, kids, thanks to me, nature's back to normal,

and the world's all right.

[together Yay!]

I'm still a little foggy on a lot of what happened.

I'll fill you in, honey.

I'll fill you in good.

I have an announcement.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, that's really special.

[crash]

Congratulations.

Bye, kids.

[snickers]

Good-bye.

♪ Good-bye, farewell.

♪ Au revoir, adios.

♪ We hope you enjoyed the show. ♪

♪ Thank you, my friend.

♪ We'll get you in the end.

♪ We hope to see you again.