02x03 - Knowledge

[bunniefuu]

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Oh, good Lord,

* it's a kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Kids' show.

* Change the channel for--

* For kids.

Today's Wonder Showzen is

brought to you by knowledge,

Middle America, and one thing of

corn.

Oh, hey, kids.

Hi, Chauncey.

Our guest today came all the

way from Middle America.

That's right; it's Middle

America.

How y'all doing?

Oh, pretty good.

I understand you got a lot to

say to the boys and girls.

Yep.

I also want to make some words

at 'em too.

Uh, go ahead.

Well, yep.

Gelp...

hooey...

and Texas.

[chuckles]

Hang on one second.

Stare at these keys for a sec.

Hey, kids, isn't this guy an

idiot?

You want to hear him say some

more stupid stuff?

kids: Yay!

Hey, tell us more.

Well, there's hooey.

Huh.

Let me think.

Coop-coop and hokum.

Oh, yeah--Texas.

Middle America, your dumb is

golden.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

Show him what you think of

him, kids.

kids: Yay!

Free beer.

I never felt so loved.

[echoing]

* Birth is the beautiful,

* magical wonder.

* Birth is

* the miracle source of life.

* There's nothing on Earth

* more lovely than birth,

* because birth is

* the glorious gift inside.

Hey, Salami.

Do you know how to count?

, , , , ...

Hi, I'm Clarence, and today

I'm learning to count with flyer

people on the street.

Hi, can I have one?

Hi.

Sure.

Okay.

There we go.

We're learning to count.

.

That's .

We're going to count to ten.

Hey, I want to count.

I want to learn to count.

You're gonna ask me first,

right?

Yeah, yeah.

Will you help me learn to count

today?

.

That's .

.

.

.

.

Yay, what's next?

.

.

What's next?

.

What's next?

How come he got one?

I just want one.

Okay, .

Okay, that's .

I don't want to be on your

camera, mister.

Get out of here.

Hey, that's hit.

, , and .

.

Could I get a little mustard on

this one?

Just a little bit.

Just a little.

That's it.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay, what number?

.

...starving people.

Siete.

, , , , , , , , , !

Yay!

...

...

!

Number two.

In my mouth?

Yes.

Yay.

You like that?

Okay, now you want me to number

two in your mouth?

No.

Are you sure?

Very sure.

What number?

.

Okay, what's next?

We did it.

USA. USA.

USA.

Nerf.

Nerf.

Nerf.

Beef.

Beef.

Beef.

Okay, yay, we got to .

Yay!

Yay!

We got up to .

Now clean up this filth.

Crackin' the Good Book

against the Christian's face.

Money doesn't buy happiness;

rich people do.

Bottomless nuggets at a

topless bar.

It's glued to fatnesses back.

The tickle of a merman's wet

'stache.

Falling asleep inside the

glower of an animal, waking up

in the gaze of a beast.

It plumps when you cook it.

The opiate of the massive.

Every child knows that each

year, Chinese couples limited to

one offspring toss their newborn

daughters into the sea.

What you didn't know was that

they all swim down into a

magical undersea world.

* Welcome to our utopia.

* There's tiaras and jewelry

* and pretty to be found.

* It's a place

* where girls can be

* beautifully

* and make sneakers

* in a shoe factory.

Come on, I can't wait to get

to the factory.

This is great.

Shoes so fun.

I love making sneaker for

American.

I put extra love in this pair.

Rasta Smoo says, "Me too."

I never want the

sneaker-making to end.

It never will end.

Attention, Chinese Girl Baby

Atlantis factory workers, you

have all been downgraded to

fired status.

Make way for your replacements.

Hey, they're not even from

China.

Rasta Smoo says,

"Outsourcing."

We are from India.

Step aside, you hag.

We're not leaving.

Rasta Smoo says,

* "Have a competition.

* Have a competition."

Rasta Smoo says, "Have a

competition."

Let's see who can make the

most shoes in one hour.

How about five hours?

Ten hour.

How about years?

You're on.

Starting...now.

[suspenseful music]

*

m*rder!

Time's up, man.

Who won, Rasta Smoo?

Rasta Smoo says, "You just

said the Word of the Day, and

I slime you."

So I am special.

The dumping of toxic victory

slime by the Republic of China

has done more damage to the

Atlantic Ocean than--

Me.

I'm McTuff, the Crime Cop.

I say it's time to take a bite

out of drugs, 'cause I like it

rough.

[snickers]

Rasta Smoo says, "That's

me; what's smoo with you?"

What the tur-dang-dum-ter was

that clap track?

Mm.

That's what's wrong with TV:

all this gibberish icky-clum.

Hoofteroo.

Horse apples, I say.

Play something I can

understands.

When Mozart was six years

old, he wrote his first opera.

I'm seven, and look what I can

do.

* A-doi, a-doi,

* a-doi, a-doi,

* a-doi, a-doi,

* a-doi.

Humanity will remember that for

thousands of years to come.

Hey, look, y'all.

I can talk just like dat dere

Middle America.

Gug-gug-gug-gug gug.

[grunting]

Watch me.

Uh, gelp, hickey, and Texas.

[grunting]

[all grunting]

Hey, get off me.

Hey!

All y'all make me sick.

[spitting]

Y'all going wild, out of

control.

Despicable 'havior.

Ungodly-like too.

"Ungodly."

That's a great one.

What do you want us to do?

We'll do whatever you want,

'cause we love you.

Well, let me see.

When I gots my animals on my

ranch acting a-fool, I always

get 'em clipped.

You want to shred my

turtle-poker?

You want to snip my

shame-shank?

Pluck my ugly?

Maim drain-vein?

Yes, indeed.

That's the stupidest thing

you've said yet.

Let's do it.

We're getting clipped, kids!

We're getting clipped!

[all cheer]

[grunting]

Hi, I'm approximately one

child learning about spaying and

neutering animals at the animal

bafixery.

* Kids on the beat.

* Kids on the street.

* Beat kids.

* Beat kids.

Show me what you do on this

little doggy.

Okay.

So this little doggy lies on the

operating table, and what the

surgeon does is, she makes a

little hole on each side, and

she takes the testicles out.

Do you throw the testicles at

the poor, or do you sell them to

the Greeks?

High five.

And what do you do here?

My name is John Morehead, and

I'm a veterinarian here at the

hospital.

If you're neutering animals,

shouldn't you be called

Dr, Lesshead?

My brother's name is Les.

I say you've tossed away more

ba*ls than Brett Favre.

Feel this.

Feel how nice and warm it is?

These are like the plastic

sheets on my bed to keep me from

wettin' it.

Yeah, well, you don't want to

admit that on TV.

I'm proud to wet the bed.

I wet the bed like an animal.

I can wet the bed in the shape

of Abraham Lincoln.

High five.

You're a doctor.

Can you show me on this peanut

how you neuter a cat?

Cut the peanut in half?

[cow bellowing]

I say you've seen more

privates fall than Fallujah in

spring.

My grandpa neutered his dog with

a hammer.

Is that right?

He would go to jail for

that.

But my grandpa loves jail.

That's his favorite place to be.

That's the only place where he

feels emotionally safe.

I think that you should

consider yoga.

I'd do yoga, but I'm afraid

I'd hover and do a ceiling fan.

High five.

You ever bury their parts and

try to see if a clippings tree

grows?

My great-great-great grandpa

was hung by a clippings tree.

That sounds terrible.

Yeah, there was some strange

fruit growing on it that day.

Good-bye, little kitties.

Good-bye.

Hello, Middle America.

Hi, kids.

Mr. Corn here, reminding you to

eat your vegetables, starting

with this kernel right here.

[groans]

Clear.

[squelching]

Next.

Clear.

[squelching]

Next.

Clear.

Clear.

Clear.

Clear.

[grunts]

Clear.

Ohhhh...

Hey, what are you going to do

with all these clippings,

anyway?

We throw them all in a

clippings pile and torch 'em on

up--like a book-burning without

having to touch no

ding-dang-dong-dong books.

Whoa...

These genital fumes.

It's like twaaaah...

It, like, why we here on

Earth, man?

You're the best, Middle

America--dumber than a donkey

dookie.

What do you want to do now, man?

I'd like to clean up this

here smut show.

Nothing but genitals flying

round and folks getting high.

Let me take over.

I'll change it to some good old

folks with good old jokes.

Go on, man.

Take over.

[lively banjo music]

You're watchin' Horse Apples.

[giggles]

Whee-hoo-hoo.

Whoo!

[snoring]

[chortles]

Yee-haw!

c*ck-a-doodle-doo!

[retches]

all: Horse Apples!

[horse whinnies]

I wake every morning to the

sound of roosters pecking at my

crotch.

[laughter]

c*ck-a-doodle waaaah!

boing!

You know why I love my

husband?

Beats me.

Yeah, mine beats me too.

[laughter]

I learned to count like

everybody else: on my hands.

One, two.

I can't go no higher.

[laughter]

Some y'all city slickers

think we marry our cousins.

Now, why would I go and marry my

grandma?

[chuckles]

A-giggle.

Your type of people think we

eat roadkill every day.

I suppose y'all eat caviar every

day.

Aw, horse apples.

Ain't nothin' like drinking

milk straight from the cow.

Pervis, I didn't know your

mama was still breast-feeding

you.

Cleeeeeear!

Ain't nothing like drinking

milk straight from the cow.

But, Pervis, all you got is a

bull.

Caught.

Ain't nothing like drinking

milk straight from the cow.

Pervis, I done tested

positive for the super A*DS.

[laughter]

Y'all been drinking my

supply?

Meet my wife's teacher.

I think she's having an affair

with him.

[giggles]

Why don't you love me anymore?

God dang.

[wolf whistles]

People say we ain't educated.

Well, then how did we find out?

I heard that white Americans

are now the minority.

Now, how am I going to do

that?

Do what?

Drag myself behind my truck.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, I mean, horse apples.

I ain't r*cist.

Heck, I've lynched some of my

best friends.

[laughs]

Aw, horse apples.

I can't feel nothin' in my

heart.

[giggles]

[sobs]

Same-sex couples make me

sick.

Heck, I had the same sex with

my wife for the last years.

Boring?

Hell, no.

She's a feller.

Oh.

[speaks indistinctly]

A lady never speaks with her

mouth full.

Hey, it's me, Little Slugger,

in the belly of the beast, where

they're test-marketing some kind

of TV show.

Let's see what the common man

thinks.

* Kids on the beat.

* Kids on the street.

* Beat kids.

* Beat kids.

There it is, the most

hallowed ground in America:

the focus group room.

Today I'm going to expose to

you a television show.

We're paying you to give us your

real opinions about

Horse Apples.

Seven guys, five brain cells.

You're watching Horse Apples.

I'm staring into the corpse

of America's eyes, and I like

it.

I've lynched some of my

best friends.

[laughs]

Aw, horse apples.

I haven't seen such a lively

group since I threw up seven

dead guppies...

from my butt.

Okay, take a couple minutes

to write down your overall

reaction.

These people haven't been

asked to write since their first

prison sentence.

"Guilty."

So does anyone have any

positive comments that they'd

like to make?

I just like it.

It's, you know, a lot of humor.

You laugh.

You have a good time.

The comedy in it, it kind of,

like, gets you into a different

frame of mind.

Okay.

All right.

I liked the guys in the boat.

Okay, so those two

characters, buddies in a boat.

Yeah, buddies in a boat.

I don't know who the girl is,

but she's sexy.

Do you think this type of

humor is a big market?

There's a big market out

there for that.

That's interesting.

Okay.

I don't now if it's just me,

but I would like to party with

these dudes.

Does it make you feel warm in

your heart to help the

consumer?

Yes, it's nice to be able to

help out.

Do you think you're an

American hero?

Yes, yes.

High five, man.

Do you love TV?

Yes, I watch it every day.

Would you say the TV's kind

of like your bible?

Kind of.

Do you ever put your hand

onto your--the TV and pray?

Yes.

When you touch the TV, it's

different.

You helped test-market this

product, but have you helped any

Rwandans lately?

What's Rwandans?

They're just little nothings.

High five, man.

High five.

I would like to ask you some

test-marketing-type questions.

Okay.

Would you strongly disagree

or slightly disagree or only

disagree with this sentence?

Strongly disagree.

What do you like better:

stuff or things?

I would say things.

Do you think impressionable

people copy what they see on TV?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure they do.

[together] Gelp, gelp, Texas.

Do you think today you helped

in some small way to m*rder

culture?

Hmm, yeah, maybe.

Maybe a little bit.

High five, man.

Hey, it's your America, not

mine.

Amen.

[expl*si*n]

Breaking news at this hour:

Hollywould has gone Horsewood

for Horse Apples, and this

megahit show's yokel creator is

gleefully steeping in the

gold-dusted stench of his own

petard.

The plainspoken heartland

simpleton has erected a platinum

castle in honor of his own

blue-collar modesty, and then

the middle-class millionaire had

it deep-fried in liquid diamond

hope.

This just in: he's a

billionaire now.

This just in: he's now a

thrillionaire.

And we have him here in the

studio.

Welcome.

Texas.

Anything you'd like to say to

your adoring, ball-less public?

No, and hooey.

I's a thrillionaire now.

Don't need nobody no more.

Gonna get up in my hot-air

ballooner and fly around the

world all hovered up above the

sickening muck of all the scum

out there that are stuck in the

terra firma.

Oh, and Texas.

Chauncey Darlington Butler,

what do you have to say to that?

You've changed,

dook-for-brains.

You say you don't need your

friends no more?

Then you're dead to me, sellout,

so I might as well k*ll you.

This is a scoop!

You're threatening m*rder.

I'm gonna k*ll you, Middle

America, when you most expect

it.

I'm gonna cut the brakes on your

balloon.

This is huge!

This is a Wonder Showzen News

exclusive!

Extra!

Extra!

Comedy bit begins before child

can end--

They forced us to go to the

newspaper factory.

We saw how they make the

papers.

We slapped it together...

like I slap my sister.

This is where facts go to

die.

The newspaper is released

every night while you sleep.

Why don't you bury your head

in my nocturnal release?

The lies start out as liquid

ink.

We got junk on those liquid

lies.

But our thirst for truth...

Could not be slaked, nor

could it be slarn.

I drank my own pee-pee.

I drank my own release.

The daily rag.

That's what they call my mom

down at the dock.

Look at all the blank paper

crying out to be turned into

propaganda.

Those news apes can't even

read!

Press is short for

"oppression."

O is short for "Oh, shut up."

My dad's a reporter.

He reports to the bottle.

If anyone in this country

could read, they'd be outraged

at the illiteracy spastifics.

That's where I read the fairy

tale of American stuperiority.

This paper is like my

grandma's butter hole.

It slings mud without thinking

of all the lives and sheets it

stains in its crimson wake.

Viacom is one of five media

companies that control the

nation's information.

And they are a bunch of...

Fairness.

Holes.

The news gets to go down a

slide, like meeeeee.

And the news gets manhandled

by bachelors, just like me.

Hide your heads in shame.

This is where they clip off

any remaining stray bits of

truth.

See you in the funny papers.

Or as you call it, the

o-biatch-uaries.

I wrote your obituary on my

fist.

Fetch.

Fetch a better job.

The media could be telling

you truth right now, but here's

the new poo joke.

I got the results from the lab,

and it seems that I've been

eating out of your bedpan.

Breaking news at this hour:

Middle America and his rightful

riches have disappeared in a

fiery ball of missing over

Antarctica.

Smells like m*rder, and you

whiffed it here first, a Wonder

Showzen News m*rder exclusive.

I did it, kids.

I got rid of that stupid

hick-billy and snatched his

family jewels.

Once again, Middle America

proves that dumb is golden.

Good-bye.

* Good-bye, farewell,

* au revoir, adiós. *

[g*nsh*t]

* We hope you enjoyed

* the show.

* Thank you, my friend.

[g*nsh*t]

* We'll get you in the end.

* We hope to see you again.

Bleep, blorp.

Snip, snort.

I think this creature can be

revived.

Cling clorp.

Zing zang zorp.

Yep.

[weird zapping]

Uh, gelp.

Tuckered and, uh, Texas.

Zing zorp.

This guy is hilarious.

Ring zemp.

Cling clamp.

Let us perform our most honorous

tribute to him with the

greatest move ever invented.

* A-doi, a-doi,

* a-doi, a-doi,

* a-doi...