01x07 - The One Wherein There Is a Big Twist: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the season
finale of Drawn Together...

Life for these 8 housemates
is about to change forever,

as we reveal a major twist!

XANDIR: What is going on?!

CAPTAIN HERO: Life in
front of the cameras.

Was beginning to take
a toll on us all.

The little things, the things
that used to make us laugh,

like the asbestos in the walls,

now just seemed annoying.

[COUGHS]

Even worse, we started
lashing out at each other.

Ugh! You're just gonna
leave that there?

b*tch, pick it up!

f*ck you, fatty foopah.

[c*ck g*n]

Pick it up, or I'm
sending you back to hell!

[CLICK] All right,
Toot, drop your weapon!

[CLICK] No, you drop it!

Nobody holds a g*n to my girl...

[CLICK]

But me!

All right! Let's
f*ck' do this!

[c*ck g*ns]

I'm not afraid to die!

[CLICK]

FOXXY LOVE: Now, Foxxy love did
not want a riot to break out,

even though she sure
could use a new TV set,

so Foxxy decided to
call a house meeting.

Now, I know being in front
of all these cameras.

Has made us all a little tense.

Uh, tense?! Ha ha!

Yeah, OK, 'cause
living in this fishbowl.

Is playing tricks on my mind!

Bwah!

[FART]

Xandir's right. Before
coming on this reality show,

how many times have you guys
really been in a Mexican standoff?

Never! I don't think.

Twice.

It's like we're just
a bunch of monkeys.

Dancing for the cameras.

And what do we get in return?
Nothing!

At least monkeys get beat off.

By their owners once in a while.

The pillsbury
doughbroad is right!

Hee hee!

I mean, on big brother, you
can win half a million bucks.

And on survivor, you
can win a million.

And on the bachelor, you can win...
love.

I say we smash the cameras.

And blow the whole house up!

That sounds like a
sweet prize to me!

All right, Toot, nobody's
blowing up anything.

Now, I bet if we just
talk to the producers,

we can work this out.

Foxxy was right.

Besides, I had a thing or two

I wanted to say to
those f*cking Jews!

Damn it! You've
got us stuck here.

In this crackerjack box,
but there ain't no prize.

Now pony up, or I'm gonna
f*cking blow this house up.

And k*ll you all!

[DIAL TONE]

Do not take that
dial tone with me!

PRODUCER: Housemates, as
punishment for making me talk.

To that fatty-fat-fat-fat,

we're going to
reveal a new twist.

XANDIR: What is going on?!

Now Youse can't leave!

Oh, my god, we're trapped!

I'm totally freaking out.

I wish the green
lantern was here.

He always knows how to relax me.

OK, that's it!

Let's blow this
g*dd*mn house to bits!

Toot, violence ain't the answer.

Some of the greatest
leaders in history,

like Gandhi, Dr. King,

and rocky iv, to
a lesser extent,

accomplished the impossible
through non-violent means,

and so can we.

Now, we may be stuck here
entertaining the world for nothing,

but if we don't fight or
drink or f*ck or suck or jerk.

Or 3-way f*ck or
necro-f*ck-philia,

then the producers won't
have no show to show.

Until the producers
make it worth our while,

I say we have an
old-fashioned sit-in.

Ha ha! Silly black people,

they always think they
can accomplish everything.

By just sittin' around.

Come on, people!
Fight the power!

Let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

[SILENCE]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

I say we do what
the hot one says.

You know what? I should
start talking earlier.

That's right, producers!

We figured out your little game!

Mama didn't raise no fool,

and papa didn't raise me at all!

So we ain't movin'
till we gets a prize!

ALL: Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: Now that
we've returned,

these 8 housemates will learn.

The like the n*pples of a Japanese
businessman in an s&m club,

the twisting has just begun,

as we reveal
another major twist!

XANDIR: What is going on?!

Fine! You win.

[ALL SCREAMING]

XANDIR: Bright light!
Bright light!

TOOT: That did it!

[DRAMATIC REALITY SHOW MUSIC]

[GASP] Look at his hair!

I am buckie bucks,
eccentric billionaire.

The producers have sent me
here to announce a competition,

the winner of which.

Will help me run my
billion-dollar empire.

Buckie bucks?

Billion-dollar empire!

Parody of the apprentice?

What do you say, Foxxy?

Well, guys, this
is the opportunity.

We been sittin' for!

I say we do it!

CAPTAIN HERO: This
is gonna be fun.

TOOT: I'll never waver
from my nefarious plan.

To blow up this house!

But for now I'll play along as
inconspicuously as possible.

[SPEAKING LIKE A WIND-UP DOLL] I...
Will... most...

Certainly... play... Your...
business... game.

FOXXY: Let's do it!

♪ Cash, cash cashity-cash ♪

♪ Cash, cash ♪

♪ Cash, cash, cashity-cash ♪

♪ Cash, cash ♪

♪ Don't you wish you
had a buttload? ♪

♪ Cash ♪

FOXXY: It was gonna be the
mens versus the womens.

In a series of bidness-
related challenges.

After each task,

someone on the losing
team would be fired.

The last one standing would
win the job of a lifetime.

As I. Ron Hubbard, Mel Gibson,

and the owners of the wildly
popular islamaland amusement park.

Have taught us, religion
is big business.

That's why for your
first challenge,

you'll convince people
to accept Jesus Christ.

As their lord and saviour.

And... go!

Aah! Aah!

PRINCESS CLARA: It was
our first challenge,

and I volunteered
to be team leader

'cause I love Jesus...

Like... like more than a friend.

And I knew exactly how to
get people to love him, too.

Ow! g*dd*mn it!

That was great! So now what?

We go door to door and
give out free copies?

Free? Are you nuts?!

We could sell these at 10 bucks
a pop and rake in the cash.

As a new wave of anti-Semitism
sweeps the country!

Wait. Was that
not the challenge?

[THUNDERCLAP]

We went to a hospital,

and thanks to us, some
really sick children.

Have learned to put
their trust in the lord,

instead of those silly
pills and potions.

Nice job. And how
did you ladies do?

We made $617 million.

Wow! You guys got
your asses whipped!

Yeah! Yeah! Yahoo!

Well, guys, someone is getting...
fired.

Ohh! Ohh!

Wooldoor Sockbat.

Uh-oh.

Since you are the least
likely to cause conflict.

Or have sex with anyone... ever,

you're f... oh! Aah!

[SPLAT] Whoa!

[RELIEVED] Fired.

Whaa ha ha ha!

So, the competition started off.

With a little humiliation,

which was fine,

because now I was no
longer alone in my cause.

Yeah! They're all gonna die!

[CLICK]

Can I have my candy now?

[THUNDERCLAP]

In business, you need
to stay in control.

That's why for your
next challenge,

you'll be in charge of an
air traffic control tower.

And... go!

[ALARM BLARING]

No, my left!

My left!

What? What do you mean
you're losing attitude?

Sounds like you're giving
me plenty of attitude!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[CRASH]

Well, guys, it looks like you lost both
the competition and a member of your team.

Xandir, I can't help but
think this is all your fault.

What? I'm a certified
air-traffic controller.

With 10 years of experience.

I heard g*y-traffic controller.

With g*y years of experience.
Hah!

Spanky does bring up
a pretty good point.

Xandir, you're... Oh!
Oh! Oh, god!

[SPLAT]

Unh... fired.

[SNORES]

[SOBBING]

Oh, my god.

Like the unfortunate
head of a boy.

With a pituitary gland disorder,

my army was slowly growing.

As you all know,
sometimes in business,

it's important to have
the power of invisibility.

Guys, I've got this
one all wrapped up.

That's why, for
this challenge...

Ladies, where's Clara?
Why is she late?

I do not tolerate t*rd.

If anyone sees Clara,
tell her she is Fi...

Aah! Aah! It's a big one!

2 towels.

[SPLAT SPLAT] Oh... fired.

[CLARA CRYING]

[WEST SIDE STORY-LIKE
MUSIC PLAYING]

No business is successful
without the help of Mexicans.

[LA CUCARACHA PLAYING]

That's why, for this challenge,

the team that smuggles the most
Mexicans across the border wins.

And vaya con dios.

This was definitely the
hardest challenge so far.

But Foxxy kept her
eye on the prize.

And came up with
a brilliant plan.

[LA CUCARACHA PLAYING]

Come on, Toot. We
ain't got all day.

[TOOT GRUNTS]

[FARTS]

[SOUNDS OF A STAMPEDE]

Once again, the
ladies k*lled you.

What happened to your Mexicans?

It was all Captain Hero's fault.

He's the one who forgot
to poke holes in the lid.

[DRUNK] Aw, screw you.

I was the one who got
completely wasted.

Shut it. This whole thing
has gone on long enough.

So to speed things up,
both of your are f...

Aah! Aah! Don't move!

Where do you want it?
Where do you want it?

[SPLAT] Aah! Oh... fired.

Whoa, three-way. That was hot.

[BOTH SOBBING]

Congratulations, big-boned
babe and choco-lickety-yum-yum.

You're the final 2.

[FARTS]

Now all I needed was
for Foxxy to join us.

Then we shall rise up
against the cameras,

blow up the house,
and k*ll them all!

Ahh heh heh heh heh.

ANNOUNCER: When we return,

life for Foxxy and the fatty
is about to change once again,

as we reveal the
biggest twist yet.

Or will we?

XANDIR: What is going on?

Girls, welcome to
the final round.

Whoever, or whomever,
wins this competition.

Will leave with me and go
on to help me run my empire.

Good luck to you both.

Luck is for the underweight.

Establishing relationships and
commanding respect and stuff.

Is priority number
one in business.

That's why your final challenge
is a jell-o wrestling match.

Whoo! Whoo!

[CHEERING]

Bill Cosby would crap
himself if he could see this!

I didn't like the
jell-o wrestling idea,

but the producers had given me.

A golden opportunity,

and like that necklace some
fool left on Clara's dresser,

I was gonna take it.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BELL RINGS]

Hah!

[SMACK]

Ahh! Unh!

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

CROWD: Sieg heil!

Sieg heil!

Sieg heil!

[STEAM WHISTLE TOOTING]

Where you at? Where you at?
Show yourself!

Cut me, Ling-Ling. Cut me.

Ah.

[BELL RINGS]

Aah!

Nobody throws me face-first
into jell-o but me!

Aah!

[GROANS]

Get the f*ck out!

[GRUNTS]

[MOANS]

[THUD]

[BELL RINGS]

Well, congratulations,
hot black girl.

You're the winner. Yay! Yay!

[ALL GROAN]

Yes! Oh, thank you, lord.

I'm a black woman with a job.

I am Oprah. I am Oprah!

No, wait! This isn't
supposed to happen.

Yeah, sure. Thanks
a lot, chubby.

Guys, come on. We can
still blow up the house.

Guys!

[ALL SQUAWK]

ANNOUNCER: What
Foxxy doesn't know.

Is that everything... Is...
about... to... change.

Again!

XANDIR: What is going on?

ANNOUNCER: And now
the final twist.

That will change
everything forever.

Well, Foxxy, I've been
keeping a secret from you,

but it's time for you
to know the truth.

I'm not really a billionaire.

I'm, like, broke and stuff.

What? You're broke?

You mean there
ain't no job for me?

Nope. Isn't that crazy?

Ha ha ha. You wanna
feel even stupider?

There's another twist.
I'm actually...

The Jew producer.

[ALL GASP]

What? But...

Son of a b*tch.

What is going on?

Wow, this was fun.

Later.

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Don't. Just don't.

I can't believe it.

TV, I trusted you,

and you made a fool out of me...

For the last time.

Toot, I know that no one has
ever said this to you before,

but you was right!

Uh, duh!

[PROLONGED BRAYING]

We got to fight back!

We got to blow this house
up and k*ll them all!

And not just because of what
the producers did to me, to us,

but for what they've done to all
our reality TV brethren and sistren.

We gots to fight back
for zora and Linda,

who learned they
Joe millionaire.

Was actually poor and
basically Ret*rded.

And for love or money's
rob, who had no idea

Erin was paid $1 million.

To break his boring
and pathetic heart.

And for Joe schmo's matt,
who learned all his friends.

Were just god-awful actors.

And for average Joe's
melana and larissa,

who found out they bachelors
was just a bunch of giant dorks.

Those guys weren't average.

And today, reality TV
has had its last twist.

It all ends now!

Let's blow up this
f*cking house!

Let's blow this place up.

Follow me.

[ALL YELL]

Buckie, we got to
borrow that helicopter.

What are you doing?

Captain Hero, stop him!

[SCREAMS]

Oh.

What the... huh?

Come here.

Aah!

Come on, guys. Let's go.
Now's our chance.

k*ll them.

Anybody know how
to fly this thing?

Tank, quick, I need
to learn how to fly.

A t-1000 Firefox.

[SCREAMS]

Move over, princess.

Don't let them get away.

Get in!

Let's get out of here.

This one's for Alison
and June and Jane.

And the man-troll
from big brother 4.

Aaaahhhh!

Say hello to my little friend.

Buckle up, everyone!

Oh, ach!

Aah! Heh heh heh.

What the hell are you doing?

Why are you all nodding?

Hold on, everyone!

Yaah!

[ALL CHEERING]

I think I saw this
on the real world.

Hold on, guys.
We've got company.

Hold on, guys.
You've got company.

XANDIR: We're hit! We're hit!

We're all gonna die!

Yes, I guess it
really is g*y over!

Nice. Ha ha ha. Oh, yeah.

Them gays.

While we spun out of control
to almost certain death,

I wondered what would
become of us all.

Would we ever return to
the Drawn Together house?

Would there be an
entirely new cast?

Would this be the last
question I ever asked?

When would the
reunion special air?

The most important thing
was that we were together,

Drawn Together.

[ALL SCREAMING]

TOOT: g*dd*mn it!

[GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ Do you like how I
sing a love song? ♪

♪ Do you like vincent van gogh? ♪

♪ I like to walk the
streets at midnight ♪

♪ I wanted you... ♪

[WHISPERING] Good-bye.

♪ To know ♪