02x10 - A Tale of Two Cows

[bunniefuu]

L'hal l'nai shall pass over,

and may senor L. Ron
Hubbard watch over us all.

Amen.

Amen!

[SNIFFS] Ooh, gross!

What the hell is that smell?

[SNIFFS]

That, my friends, is the sweet
pungent aroma of doo-doo faeces.

Hi, guys. What's going on?

Wooldoor, what the
hell are you hiding?

Um, nothing.
Ahem.

Ooh!

Live action poo.

Wooldoor, have you
been sneaking off

to the live action forest again?

I, uh, well, uh, brought it home

'cause I thought they'd
make nice slippers.

[SQUISH]

It's an honest mistake.

Wooldoor, you best stay away
from the live action forest.

It's dangerous.

Now, clean up this crap.

[DOOR CLOSES]

They almost found out about you.

I don't know what
I'd do if I lost you.

You understand me
better than anyone,

even the fire fairy.

But what about all
those cool fires

we started together, Wooldoor?

Ooh, you got trouble.

Uh, guys, I need a favour.

My ten-year camp
reunion is coming up.

What kind of camp? Fat camp?

Yes.

It's not funny.

Fat camp was the
saddest, darkest chapter

in the tragic cookbook
that is my life.

Even at fat camp,
I didn't fit it.

I wasn't fat enough.

Then one day the coolest
and fattest girls in camp

spoke to me.

They actually spoke to me.

You're Toot, right?

Yes.

You seem pretty cool,

and we thought maybe we
could get your hopes up

by inviting you to our table and
then giving you a devastating wedgie,

embarrassing you in
front of the entire camp.

What do you think?

Really? Me? I'd love to.

TOOT'S VOICE: No one could have
predicted what happened next.

Ah!

Ahh!

[ALL LAUGHING]

I had to be rushed
to the hospital,

but by the time I got
there, it was too late.

There's nothing else we can do.
We have to amputate.

Oh, my god! Aah!

I wasn't confusing this memory
with a tom cruise movie.

I returned to camp disgraced.

Baby k*ller!

I didn't die that
summer in fat camp.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But some days, I wish I'd had.

So which one of you guys
will go to my reunion with me

and pretend to be
my doctor husband?

Uh... Uh-oh. Oh.

Is that how you treat a veteran?

[SOBBING]

g*dd*mn it!

Hey, buddy!

Whee!

I put some peanut
butter on my ba*ls

so you'll have more
incentive to chase after them

when I put them on my a*s.
[SQUISH]

Uh, buddy? Where did you go?

[CRASHING]

Sacre bleu!

Uh, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy.
Uh-oh.

Wooldoor, is this
your live action cow?

[MOOS]

He followed me home.

And now he's my best friend.

You can't keep a live
action cow in the house.

Look at the mess he made.

[MOOS]

[FARTS]

And everybody know live action
and animation don't mix.

Just look at my feet...

Or my teeth...

Or Xandir's a*s.

But live action cow is my best
friend in the whole wide world.

Aren't you, whiskers?

[FARTS]

Oh, I love it when he does that.

I'm sorry, Wooldoor,

but we's taking that live action
cow back where he belong...

The live action forest.

No! Please.

Now that he's got
my stink on him,

the others won't take him back.

He's got my stink!

[SOBBING]

My life sucks.

None of the guys will
go to my reunion with me

'cause I'm too fat.

I was so upset that I
locked myself in the attic

and gorged on cotton candy.

But then I discovered something.

Wow! A book of cheat codes.

I can make video game
characters do anything!

Like super jump.

Up, up, down, down, left, right,
left, right, b, a, b, a, start.

Oh, hi, Toot.

Whoa. Or super
jump with big head.

Oh, hey, what's up, Toot?

Or newborn Xandir with super
jump and soft spot on head.

Waah!

Or what about... Ooh!

Escort a fatty to
her 10-year reunion.

With super jump.

My lady, I would
like to escort you

to your camp reunion.

What kind of camp? A fat camp?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha ha hee hee!

Oh. Sure.

[SOBBING]

WOOLDOOR'S VOICE: I tried
to forget live action cow,

but it seemed
everywhere I turned,

there was something there
to remind me of her.

And now to perform the
celebratory truffle shuffle.

[HUMMING]

I realised I couldn't live
without live action cow.

I'm coming!

Live action cow!

Live action cow!

[SQUEAKING]

Live action cow, is that you?

[SQUEAKING] Oh, my god!

The most feared of all
live action creatures...

A live action squirrel
with big ba*ls!

Wooldoor, stay still.

We's all in grave danger.
Don't move.

[SNAPS] Uh-oh.

Live action squirrel
with big ba*ls

is about to attack!

And there's no
way to fight back.

It clearly has no vulnerable
areas on his whole body.

I can't outrun a squirrel.

But it won't matter as
long as I can outrun you.

Ah!

Save yourselves.
Aah-aah-aah-aah!

Here it comes!

ALL: Aah!

[MOOS]

Look, guys. It's
live action cow.

♪ Da da da da, da da da-da-da ♪

Live action cow is
springing into action.

Look out for those big ba*ls!

Careful, girl. You don't know
where those ba*ls have been.

I've never seen 2 animals
fight so ferociously.

Oh, no. Live action cow is hurt.

But live action cow
isn't giving up.

He's fighting back...

And winning.

Look. Live action squirrel
with the big ba*ls

is running away.

[PATTERING]

More like live action p*ssy

with big ba*ls.

Live action cow
help saved the day.

Yippee! [CHEERING]

Thank god I'm in
the other story.

[SIGHS] This sure brings
back a lot of memories,

like the time I won that trophy.

Well, well, well, if it
isn't Toot brown stain.

Oh, Toot.

There you are, honey.

Jelly doughnut babes,
meet my husband,

Dr. Xandir.

[ALL GASP]

You bagged yourself a one-chin?

No f*cking way.

There you are. My loving wife.

Mmm.

[GRUNTING]

I can't believe it.

That Toot is up to something,

and nothing is gonna stop me
from finding out what that...

Crumb!

[ALL SHOUTING]

CAPTAIN HERO'S VOICE: Live action
cow had saved all our lives

and everyone loved her,

especially me.

I've always dreamed of meeting
a woman with 6 penises.

You're such a pretty cow.

We love you. Nice horsey.

There you go, girl. Girl?

Guys, live action cow's
acting really weird.

Let me see.

Red eyes, foaming mouth.

Zikes! Live action
cow has rabbis!

It's pronounced "rabies,"

although they're both
incurable diseases.

She must have gotten rabies

from live action
squirrel with big ba*ls.

Wooldoor, I'm sorry, baby,

but once they start foaming at
the mouth, there's no saving 'em.

The only thing you can do is
take 'em out behind the woodshed

and put a b*llet
through they skull.

Oh, little Timmy.

Mommy Misses you.

You mean we have to
k-k-k*ll live action cow?

No. You have to k-k-k*ll
live action cow.

[CLICKS]

I'd aim between them sweet
brown eyes and cover its mouth

so he can't say, "mama,
please, I ain't got no rabies."

I was just brushing my
teeth like you says."

Uhhh! [GULPS]

MAN: Hey, hey, hey.

Dinner is now served.

Oh, Xandir.

Like a bowl of plain
ol' salad bowl,

you've turned a
nightmare into a dream.

I don't know why I
decided to come here,

but I'm glad I did.

Oh, you have a little piece
of goat on your cheek.

Is it gone?

Here. Let me get it.

There. Now you're perfect.

Mm. Mmm.

Mmm!

"The legend of
Xandir cheat book."

Oh. I knew it.

[g*nsh*t]

Huh?

Hmm.

ALL: Aah!

Can I have your
attention, please?

It's time to crown this
year's king and queen fatty.

And the winners are...

Xandir and Toot.

In your face you fat f*ck!

I crown thee king
and queen fatty...

Huh? Oh, no!

[GASPS]

Eh, honey, is something wrong?

Oh. Ah.

Ohh!

My fellow fatties,

before you bow down to your
new king and queen, know this.

She's been controlling this
so-called doctor husband of hers

with this video game cheat book.

[ALL GASP]

Observe.

MAN: How does that
help with video games?

Toot, how could you
manipulate me like that?

I thought you were my friend.
My fat friend.

Xandir, no. Wait!

[ALL LAUGHING]

I did it! I shot
live action cow.

And now she's dead!

[SOBBING] Dead!

So tell me. Did you...
[WHISPERING]

What? No. Why would I do that?

She was my friend.

So she's out there
dead in the woods,

her milky, white supple udder

just lying in some
remote forest clearing?

Dibs!

Ah!

We interrupt this scene with
an important plot twist update.

A rabid live action cow
is on a k*lling spree

throughout the cartoon universe.

We take you live to
Springfield, Connecticut.

Aah! Aah-aah!

Thank you, tom.

Our police sketch artist has come up
with this composite of the mad cow.

I'm so sorry. I couldn't do it.

If you didn't do it, then
why are you covered in blood?

Funny story, actually.

I had the shotgun at the
live action cow's face,

but I loved her too much
to pull the trigger.

So I just shot off
into the woods.

And it turned out I hit a
guy who was driving a truck,

a truck filled with birds.

I tried to help the poor
schmuck, but it was too late.

Tell my wife and kids

I love 'em.

Ahh!

I couldn't ignore
the man's dying wish,

so I did what anyone would do.

I gutted the dead trucker
and wore his body as a suit.

Honey, thank god you're home.

We thought something
had happened to you.

Where are the birds?

I love you, honey.

I love you, kids.

Uh-oh.

Aah! Aah!

Any kind hearted Christian
would have done the same.

Be that as it may,

your live action cow is on a
rabies-induced k*lling spree,

and we got to stop her.

All right, g*ng, let's go.

Wait!

♪ But I love her ♪

[SOBBING]

Please, please
don't be mad at me.

I have never felt so used.

I'm sorry.

I know. I'm the worst.
I had to use a cheat book

just to get someone to
come to fat camp with me.

I suck.

Nobody loves me.

Well, that's not
entirely true, Toot.

I mean, Jesus
probably loves you.

What about our
kiss at the dance?

That was because
of the cheat book.

But, Toot, you didn't
have the cheat book then.

[SNIFFLES]

Oh, my god. You're right.

So you're actually
attracted to me?

Um...

Yeah. I guess.

Really?

So you would actually
stick it in me?

Um...

Yeah. I guess.

Oh, Xandir.

Prove it!

FOXXY'S VOICE: Live action cow was
on a rabies-induced k*lling spree,

and it was up to us
to try and stop her.

CLARA: Well, that's
what they get

for constantly having
a g*y ol' time.

Oh, damn it. We have to
stop this crazy thing.

Where are we?

FOXXY: Child, this
is south park.

Now, this place is funny.

I bet if we lived here,
more people would watch.

Eventually, the trail led us

to the one place
we never expected.

Moo!

He came home.

[CLICKING]

Take aim, men.

Wait. You mustn't.

She's my friend.

Now, son, step aside.

We're gonna k*ll that cow if we
have to sh**t right through you.

Fine. Go ahead.

Fine. We will.

Then do it.

- I am.
- Go on.

We're going.

Then do it.

- I'm doing it.
- No you're not.

- Watch me.
- I am watching.

- OK.
- I'm waiting.

Here it is.

More like here it isn't.
That was lame.

You're lame.

Fire! Uh-oh.

Guys, look.

Live action cow is jumping in
front of Wooldoor in slow motion.

[SLOWLY] Aahhhhhh!

Live action cow!

Oh! [SNIFFLES]

I love you.

I'll always love you

and all the things
you gave me...

Live action milk,
live action cheese,

and live action love.

Good-bye... oh, and
live action yoghurt.

Good-bye.

♪ Do you like how ♪

♪ I sing a love song?

♪ Do you like Vincent van gogh? ♪

♪ I like to walk ♪

♪ The streets at midnight ♪

♪ I wanted you ♪

♪ To know ♪

♪ That I'm really
not like this ♪

♪ So lost and in question ♪

♪ So much is then left unsaid ♪

Oh, Wooldoor, I'm so sorry.

But I hope you learned
a valuable lesson.

I sure have.

Loving someone sometimes
means saying good-bye

and that helping fat
cows only brings misery.

Ahhhhh.

You felt almost
as good inside me

as I did inside you.

Please don't talk right now.

So does this mean
we're a couple?

No. Hello. I'm g*y.

But if you weren't?

Oh, Toot, of course not.

But I'm your friend
and I care about you,

so I tossed you a mercy f*ck.

I'll take that.

[GRUNTING]

Hey hey hey guys,
Toot's gettin' laid.

Toot found a thin mint who
will bang double stuffs?

Charge!!

Aahhh!

♪ Some people wait a lifetime ♪

♪ For a moment like this ♪

♪ Some people wait forever ♪

♪ For one special kiss ♪

Don't put that in there!

Just one finger! Just one!

Ouch! Ow! Oh!

I'm dirty!

Dirty! Never to be clean again!

♪ For a moment like this ♪