03x01 - Freaks & Greeks

[bunniefuu]

[SCREAMING]

[WHISTLING]

♪♪ la, la, la, la ♪♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mail call!

What the heck are these?

Eh, just a few more copyright
infringement letters.

I'll take those!

♪♪ do-Dee-Do, do, do-Dee-Doot ♪♪

[SHREDDING]

And a letter for… Ling-Ling.

Hi-Ya!

MAN: ♪♪ Ling-Ling into bat… ♪♪

Yay!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What's that oriental saying?

I can't read it.

Something about an
all-new daily show.

I do like that Jon Stewart.

Hey, would you guys mind signing

for your neighbour's package?

Someone finally bought
that house, huh?

Yeah. Some Greeks moved in.

Did you hear that?

Greeks! Next door!

Back in college I would
have joined a fraternity

if not for one small incident.

So, you're the president
of the fraternity, huh?

- Yeah…
- Yah!

[GURGLES]

I guess I'm the president now!

Actually, as vice president

I'm the new president.

Oh!

Later, you g*y independents.

I'm gonna rush me a frat.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I think the mail man meant

an immigrant family
from Greece moved in,

not a fraternity.

And that wasn't a
roofie, Captain Hero.

That was a Tic-Tac.

Are you guys going
to f*ck me or not?

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Oh, nothing bring me joy.

I too old to battle,

and my cataract make
karaoke impossible.

[TEQUILA PLAYING]

Uh…

Ohh…

You should be happy, Ling-Ling.

After Jun-Jee die,

you inherit his billions!

Move in with shameful son? Ha!

Oh, I do like Jon Stewart, son.

OK, I move into ill-defined
parody house with you.

Yeah!

Hello! My name is Captain Hero.

I just wanted to introduce
myself and tell you that

you guys have the
most awesome house!

Oh, yes, well, thank you.
We are very happy here.

Listen, we are just
sitting down to dinner,

so, uh, thank you
for the stopping by.

Dude, I am total
pledge material!

Excuse me… Why, did you fart?

[LAUGHS AND FLATULATES]

[WOMAN GASPS] Oh!

Social! [GASPS]

[CAT HOWLS]
[TEQUILA PLAYING]

[ALL WHIMPERING]

[GULPS]

Will you be my big brother?

Party foul. Dead arm!

Aah!

[BELCHES AND RETCHES]

Dude, I snarfed!

That should be my pledge name.
Snarf!

Ooh, let's play ooky pita!

Snarf go first.

Please, scary man,
get out of our house

and never come back.

What?

You don't want me in your house?

Just please do leave us.

[SOBBING]

[GLASS BREAKS]
[SHEEP BLEATS]

I wish I was dead.

Oh, look! Another sick parent.

Just stack him in the corner
with the rest of them.

[FLIES BUZZING]

Hey, Foxxy.

When are you gonna contribute
to the parent pile?

When my daddy get back from
buyin' them cigarettes.

[BEEPING]

Cameras everywhere,

obscure cartoon characters,

smells like urine.

This just like Tokyo Disneyland!

[SIGHS]

You are great embarrassment
to family name.

I am ashamed to call you

Ling-Ling Hitler
Bin Laden Seacrest.

[GRUMBLING]

Oh!

[FLIES BUZZING]

[MUNCHING SOUNDS]

Oh!

Who the Hiroshima is that?

Oh, Jun-Jee wouldn't mind
sweeping that leg chubby.

Cannonball!

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

Oh, I am such a loser!

Oh, sweetie,

I know it never feels
good to be rejected.

Even when it's by an
immigrant Greek family

that you've mistaken
for a college frat.

I know, but I still don't get

why they didn't
want me as a pledge.

Maybe I didn't showcase
all my positive attributes,

like my ability
to spot a toupee.

There's one!

[SCREAMING]

You don't need
them, Captain Hero.

You've got all the friends
you need right here.

You're right, Xandir.

I don't need their fraternity

if I start my own!

Oh, f*ck me.

Here's to starting
the biggest, bestest,

drunkiest driviest,
vehicular manslaughteriest

Get-Off-With-A-Slap-
On-The-Wrist-

Because-Our-Dads-
Are-The-Richiest

fraternity on campus.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

That wasn't a
roofie, Captain Hero.

It was some candy
made by Willy Wonka.

[PLAYS FLUTE]

MEN: ♪♪ goofy roofies,
buggery-boo ♪♪

CAPTAIN HERO: Line up!

You maggots are
the worst pledges

in the history of
this fraternity.

BOTH: Sir, sorry, sir!

Thousands of committed brothers

have passed through these doors.

Look at them. Look at them!

BOTH: Sir, looking, sir.

They were all like family to me.

Well, except one.

Now drop and give me 20 plies!

BOTH: Sir, yes, sir!

Now, pledges, as you know,

we are the coolest
fraternity on campus.

But the fraternity next door

thinks they're even
cooler than us.

Should we let them
get away with that?

BOTH: Sir, no, sir!

Then let's teach those
assholes a lesson.

Charge!

[SCREAMING]

[CYNDI LAUPER PERFORMING
GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN]

[ALL GIGGLING] Good one!

[GLASS SHATTERS]
[BOTH GASP]

[SCREAMS] Panty raid!

♪♪ I come home in
the morning light ♪♪

♪♪ My mother says when ♪♪

♪♪ You gonna live
your life right ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, mother dear, we're
not the fortunate ones ♪♪

♪♪ And girls, they
want to have fun ♪♪

[SCREAMING]

♪♪ Oh, girls… ♪♪
Yee-haw!

Ai-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi!

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Your kind
ain't welcome here no more.

Hello, 9-1-1?

This is the Georgiopoulos hous…

No, we're not taking
any more pledges.

Will you please just
send someone over?

♪♪ In your loud eyes ♪♪
♪♪ eyes ♪♪

♪♪I feel the heat ♪♪
♪♪ brown eyes ♪♪

♪♪Of tiny feet… ♪♪

Oh, Toot-San, you
have stolen my heart.

I'm not that fat, old man!

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Excuse me! Pardon me!
[BOTH GRUNTING]

Pardon me! [GRUNTS]

[SIZZLES]

[GURGLES]

Ohh…

But she have such
beautiful, tiny feet.

There must be something a
beauty like that would want

from an old, dying,

Prone-To-Changing-His-Will
billionaire like me.

Billionaire!
[GASPS]

Why didn't you just say so?

Interested in sticking
your John McCain

into my Hanoi Hilton?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SLURPING]

These invites will
get you 2 sweet things

to the front of the line
for tonight's party.

Clothing is totally optional.

Ha ha ha ha!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ooh, that's probably
my uncle with the keg!

Mr. Hero, your new
neighbours have issued

a restraining order against you,

some q*eer in a
Peter Pan outfit,

and a talking banana.

[SCREAMS]

Shenanigans like that

will get us kicked off campus.

You two are gone!

But where will the
fraternity get its potassium?

Those dildos next
door went to the dean.

They're trying to
make us even lamer

than that lame frat
down the street!

Do a keg stand, mishe!

ALL: Mishe!
Mishe! Mishe!

We're not going to
let them destroy us,

are we, plebes?

BOTH: Sir, never, sir!

And to prove it, Xandir,

lock yourself in
the trunk of a car

with this bottle of whiskey,

and don't come out
until it's empty.

Sir, yes, sir!

And Wooldoor, you tie
one end of this rope

around your p*nis,

and the other around this brick,

and then throw it
over the balcony.

Sir, thank you for making
my wish come true, sir!

There goes one brave kid.

CAPTAIN HERO NARRATING:
Now that the pledges

were showing some
real house pride,

it was time to get our revenge

on our rival fraternity

with the greatest
prank of them all.

We shall steal their mascot!

[THUNDER]

WOOLDOOR:
[SCREAMING]

It's not so bad.

Stop screwing around, pleb.

Ugh! [GROANS AND WHIMPERS]

We have got a mascot to steal.

If we do this,

I will have accomplished
almost every goal

I have ever set for myself.

Bathroom, camels, goat…

and the sek-us.

[SLAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Ha!

Man alive! That
is one hairy goat!

Sir, I think that might
not be a goat at all.

It looks more like
a little girl, sir.

Oh, you are such a freshman.

Why would a fraternity have
a little girl as a mascot?

3 demerits!

[GRUNTS]

Pledge, Xandir, you can tell

she's a goat, right?

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING
AND BANGING]

Oh, yes. She's a goat all right.

[SPEAKING GREEK]

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

This will be the greatest
fraternity prank ever!

Hyah!

[WOOLDOOR GRUNTING]

Hey! Who I sleep
with is my business!

And getting you the best deal

on a new or used
Chevy is his business!

[HORSE WHINNIES]
yee-haw!

Maybe we should just
try to get along.

I would suggest you
start kissing my a*s.

After all,

I am gonna be your new mother.

[SCREAMS]

[BIRDS CLAMOUR]

Oh, did I mention
I have a fat a*s?

[FLATULENCE]

[SOBBING]

Ma'am,

I know this is difficult.

But do you remember anything

about the sandwich I
asked you to make for me?

Huh?

Oh, this is going way better

than I expected.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SNICKERING]

Hello, campus security.

Can I help you?

Yes, I don't know
if you've heard,

but little Georgia's
been abducted.

Ha ha!

The goat's name is Georgina.

That is so g*y!

Perhaps being a super hero
who lives right next door,

you've noticed someone
suspicious in the area?

Oh, no, sir.

We haven't seen any
baa-d guys around here.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, if you happen
to see anything,

let us know.

BOTH: Phi alpha gamma!

Phi alpha gamma!

We're really good

at thinking of chants!

Uh… um…

Uh… uh…

BOTH: OK, not that good.

Wait, I've got one!

No, that's stupid.

MAN: I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may now roll the
bride's fat face in flour

and kiss the wet spot.

Ooh! Ooh! Spot.

[GRUNTS]

[CHEERING]
No!

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, pardon me,

schmucky woman starting
to sell real estate

in a desperate attempt to
create a career for herself

way too late in life

because her husband
dumped her sorry a*s,

but did our neighbours move?

I'm afraid so.

Huzzah! [INDISTINCT]

I guess after their
daughter was kidnapped,

never to be found,

they gave up on
their American dream

and moved back to Greece.

Daughter?

Kidnapped and…

Wait a second.

Wait a second!

So, she's the daughter
of a Greek family,

not the goat mascot
of a Greek fraternity.

[LAUGHS] Doesn't this beat all?!

Come on. Talk
about embarrassing.

Oh, Xandir's not
gonna believe this!

[FLIES BUZZING]

Oh, my god. [RETCHES]

Sir! You're a
f*cking idiot, sir!

[GRUNTS]

Stanley?

Sorry, Barbara.

I need someone who
makes me feel passion,

not just some desperate
middle-aged hag.

You want to join us in here?

Oh, Stanley.

This is the best I deserve.

[DOG BARKING]

Hey, sugar pie!

[YELPS]

Toot Braunstein,

we have this court
order to stop you

from spending the
Jun-Jee's money.

Hey, I'm no sl*t!

I earned this money!

I've been letting Jun-Jee ram his
tank into my Tiananmen square!

Sadly, he always ignores
the little student.

No, it's my money!

It's my money!

It's my money!

Silence!

TOOT: Husband!

How long have you
been standing there?

Long enough.

Ling-Ling, you do not
deserve inheritance.

And you, Toot, you
no love Jun-Jee.

You just marry me for money.

So, Jun-Jee decide no
one get his fortune.

Yoko Ono!

Yoo-hoo h* h*!

Jun-Jee spend it all

on only dream Jun-Jee have left:

I buy ticket on space
shuttle to moon!

Peace out, y'all!

Say, herb, did you get
your nose straightened?

Yeah, now nobody
can tell I'm a Jew.

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

CAPTAIN HERO: So,
I guess as it turns out,

you're not actually a goat.

Foxxy gots to keep a
closer eye on you ret*rds.

I know, I know.

This is totally the kind of crap

That makes you
lose your charter.

Well, I learned my lesson.

Kids, don't do something
you know is wrong

just to be accepted
into some cool club.

And I guess I have learned

that not everything
with hair on it

is a goat.

Which would mean…

That's right, Captain Hero!

Your leg is not a goat.
[GOAT BLEATS]

What do we do with
little Georgina?

We got to get her
back to her family.

We gots to go to Greece!

BOTH: Road trip!

Off the weave, h*!

CAPTAIN HERO NARRATING: And so,
we began our journey to Greece

to reunite yet another
w*r-torn family.

I had always dreamed
of going to Greece.

I only hoped it was as beautiful
as it looked in the movies.

[ALL GASP]

[ALL SCATTING]

Wow! Grease!

It's amazing.

It's beautiful!

It's the word!

Come on, Ling-Ling.

We have to go to NASA
and stop your father.

We can't let him give
away all my money!

[SIGHS]

Please?

I can't get there alone.

I need someone to hold the stick

With the h* h* in front of me.

Dude, your money. I would go.

Don't leave.

He'll k*ll me.

You want half my h* h*?!

I should k*ll you
where you stand!

OK. That's fair. Let's go.

Hey! You have to
shake it a little.

My eyes are attracted to motion.

[COWBELL CLANKS]
[GRUNTING]

[IMITATES CHIMPANZEE]

[g*nsh*t]

First, Jun-Jee
check control panel.

Yes. It looks like
everything set

to go straight ahead into space.

Jun-Jee ready for launch.

ANNOUNCER: T-Minus
two minutes to raunch.

[GRUNTING]

Honey, this is no way
to spend my money!

It not your money.

And trip to moon
make Jun-Jee happy.

You're right.

There is always something better

coming up next.

I don't need to blow fortune

on trip to moon.

Besides, space turns
Asians into q*eers.

That only explanation
for George Takei.

Let's go, number one son.

ANNOUNCER: T-Minus 11…
[GRUNTING]

10…
Wait!

9, 8…
Help!

I'm stuck!
I'm stuck!

6, 5…

4, 3…
God damn it!

2, 1…
[COWBELL CLANKS]

[TRANSPORTER HUMS]

Oh, my!

Oh, my yourself!

Ooh!

Oh, there go Mr. Georgiopoulos

with them pink ladies.

Sir, you are just gonna laugh

when you hear what happened.

Georgina?! Is that you?!

Daaa-D!

Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter!

Oh, thank you, mighty Thor!

[THUNDER]

Once again, Captain
Hero has saved the day!

Honey, did that man hurt you?

Did he touch you?

TEEN: Hey, h*!

Like, what the hell did
you do to George's kid?

Greased lightning! Sandy! Whoa.

♪♪ Fraternity pledging ♪♪

♪♪ Had me a blast ♪♪

♪♪ I was sleeping ♪♪

♪♪ Happened so fast ♪♪

♪♪ I grabbed the goat ♪♪

♪♪ And ran for my life ♪♪

♪♪ I tried to scream ♪♪

♪♪ But he had a knife ♪♪

BOTH: ♪♪ kidnapping ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, what a fling ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa, yeah, those
pledging days ♪♪

WOMEN: ♪♪ Tell us
what happened next ♪♪

MEN: ♪♪ Did you tie
her up in chains? ♪♪

♪♪ Did he have a big stick? ♪♪

♪♪ Did you slap her around? ♪♪

♪♪ Did he make you suck his ♪♪

♪♪ Big ba*ls ♪♪
♪♪ shooby-Do wop ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪
♪♪ do-Wop ♪♪

♪♪ Mother-Freaking ba*ls ♪♪

BOTH: ♪♪ kidnapping ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, what a fling ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Those pledging…Ahh ♪♪

♪♪ Days ♪♪

[TOOT SCREAMS]

[BEEPING]