03x15 - Auteur! Auteur!/Runaway Train/A Reject Runs Through It

[bunniefuu]

1, 2, 3, hee-ya.

Baby!

Sassy!

Man, i'm pretty.

Huh! Haw! Huh!

Do the monkey with me.

Come on!

Hey, there, baby.

Ooh! Ow!

Yeah. Whatever

More fried banana chips,

Monsieur ooh-ooh?

Oh! Do not turn up

your nose, mon ami.

When i, zee great

jeannoit bravo,

Receive my

$7 million grant

To direct my new film

From the stupid

american government,

You will be eating mangoes

from a silver bowl.

[doorbell rings]

This is zee mail now.

Bill. Bill.

Bill. Bill.

Musclebound doofus quarterly?

This is not my mail.

What is going on here?

Bill. Bill.

Bill. Bill.

Hey!

My grant check

from the government arrived.

"dear jeannoit bravo--"

That's me in frenchy language.

Mama! Mama!

The $7 million grant check

for my art film arrived!

Johnny, you don't

make art films,

And you never applied

for that grant.

But, mama,

my government needs me.

I shall make a film

to inspire the countrymen

Of all races and creeds--

A touching, sensitive film

About real people

And sewer mutants

Sewer mutants who kidnap

sunbathing bikini chicks

And turn them

into space androids.

It'll be the feel-good movie

of the year!

I love it!

It'll be like

two for the seesaw.

Only with sewer mutants!

Follow your dreams,

sweetheart.

You mean that one

where i'm in my underwear

at the nougat factory and--

Just make the movie,

dear.

Ok!

Man: The camera

loves you, son!

Uh, pops

I think you're looking

through the wrong end.

Pops: Oops! My mistake.

The camera only likes you

as a friend.

Thanks, pops.

Your experience

as a fry cook

Should make you

an excellent choice

for cinematographer.

Talent wrangler!

Yes, maestro.

Send in

the auditioners

For the sexy

space queen.

Well, i spent 3 years

at the royal academy,

Then taught voice

and body work

At the actors studio.

That's great. How

are you at running

in slow motion

While wearing

a sea-shell bikini?

I'm sorry?

Here's the script,

Which i myself

have written.

This is the scene

where i save your life

In the active volcano.

"ah, save me, rex.

"if the sewer mutants

capture me,

"they'll make me wear

scanty clothes

And perform

menial household tasks"?

"hey, guys.

She's over here."

"rex!"

Now quick. Kiss me.

Kiss me hard.

What? I don't see that

in the script.

Why, it's not

in the script,

But if you do it,

i'll give you

the part.

I'll be in touch.

I think she's too tall.

Next!

You know, in space,

No one can

hear you smooch.

Make me a sandwich!

Ooh!

Wine.

Ow!

Well, that's

the last of them.

Let's knock off

for the day

And go get me

a cat scan.

[door opening]

Woman: Sorry i'm late.

I had to stomp

the paparazzi

on the way over.

Leaping linguine!

It's the famous

eye-talian

movie star

Gia got-a-nice-a-body!

Mama mia!

That's a spicy meatball.

How'd you like to roll

the love gondola

Down the via del johnny?

You are a pig!

Don't hit me!

All the great directors

are a pig.

You must be brilliant.

I'm-a take-a the part!

You're hired!

We sh**t at dawn!

[all chattering]

Quiet on the set!

All hail our great director

Maestro johnny bravo!

Greetings, little dirty people.

We're all here

for one reason--

To realize

the brilliant vision that is

Revenge of the sewer

mutants, part one.

Now, remember,

i do my best work

When i'm being

worshipped as a god,

So under no circumstances

Must anyone ever, ever

question me.

So are there any questions?

You're fired!

Come on. You heard

the maestro. Scram!

Don't call us.

We'll call you.

Johnny, how are-a you-a

gonna sh**t-a the film

Without the crew?

Don't worry, my little

cream-filled cannoli.

I myself

shall do the work

of the entire crew!

Carl, scene 4!

Right, j.B.

Places for the big

rocket ship scene.

Now, in this scene,

you're filled with anguish

Because you're

blasting off into space

To rescue the bikini women.

Now, i want honest

emotion! Good!

Now get on the ship!

And action!

Great! Cut!

Let's get one more for coverage.

No can do, johnny.

That was an actual

working s-10 rocket.

You just launched

the actors into space.

Think there will be problems

with the union?

No.

Then let's move on.

But-a, johnny,

how are-a you-a

Gonna sh**t-a the movie

without-a the actors?

I'll play the parts!

All 40 roles are the ones

i was born to play.

[speaking italian]

Quiet on the set!

Lights!

Camera!

Action!

Surrender, rex.

You'll never leave

this planet alive.

Says you,

you suction-cupped

mouth breather.

Use the raygun i invented.

Thanks, dr. Zarcon.

You ray-blasted me, human,

But i have one card

left up my sleeve!

Cut! Print it!

Oh, johnny!

You are a great director.

I'm glad you recognize

The vision and sensitivity

that lives in my soul.

Carl, cue the giant,

inflatable sewer lizard!

And action!

Johnny: Huh ha! Huh ha!

Huh haw! Take that!

Aah!

[groaning]

Could you do

that again?

The camera

ran out of film.

Grrr!

You may be a pig,

but you're also a stupido.

Ooh!

I quit!

Fine!

That's right! Quit!

I don't need you!

I don't need anyone!

I can finish this film

all by myself!

So there!

Oh, rex.

You're so big

and-a strong-a.

Save me

from the mutants!

This is the film

they'll remember me by.

You know, i think this is

some of your finest work.

But, johnny, you know

how your aunt myra

Loves to see

her favorite nephew.

She told me

she hates me.

Well, you know how her

Dogs like you.

Last time, i had to get

14 rabies shots.

All right, look!

I'm having

the girls over

For our annual

yahtzee marathon,

And you know how we like

to dip into the cider

and use colorful language!

I don't want to expose

you to that.

But, mama!

She's always

lickin' a napkin

And wipin'

my face with it.

Not another word,

young man!

Now you get

on that train,

And i'll see you

in a few months.

Days!

Right. What did i say?

Oh, and here.

Don't forget to give myra

The german chocolate

neutron cake i baked her.

Oops!

Ooh!

I made it

with heavy water.

Now, you know how i hate

long good-byes,

So see ya!

Mmm. German chocolaty.

And don't even

think about eating it!

Aw, but i'm hungry.

Better get something

to tide me over.

Hey, newsstand guy.

Give me a pack

of sugar nips,

some onion gum,

A bag of chips, and--

Do you have any

best-selling novels

About a young, feisty lawyer

taking on the establishment?

Ooh! Let's see.

I'll take this one

And that one

and one of those!

Thanks, buddy!

Let's see. 29-a.

Woman: Gentlemen,

we are counting down

To the maiden voyage

Of the blue goose 9,000,

The train that will

revolutionize global travel.

Und bring order

to zee world!

Heh! Uh, sorry.

Captain, have you finalized

the prelaunch check?

Uh, that's a roger.

Mission control,

stand by

For initializing

sequence.

27-a. 28-b.

This must be it!

Hey, hotshot.

Get out of my seat.

Uh, that's

a definite negative, sir.

Uh, mission control,

we have an unauthorized--

Whoa!

Mission control, i am no longer

in control of the train.

Now to get my tiny peanuts.

I'll bet

this flashy start button

Summons the stewardess.

No! You've initiated launch.

You don't know

what you're doing!

Bye! I'll miss you, too.

Don't forget to write.

[gasps]

[gibberish]

Ah, the only real way

to see america is by train.

Attention, hijacker!

Attention, hijacker!

Hey, it's the stewardess.

What are

your demands?

My demands?

Uh, well, let's see.

I'll take a pillow,

some tiny peanuts,

and your phone number,

My little engine

that probably won't.

Uh! I don't give

my phone number out

to t*rrorists.

Then how do they

contact you?

Look, we'll give you

whatever you ask.

Just stop the train!

Whatever i ask?

Well, i'd like to see

more chimp-based tv programming.

Uh, we may need time,

but you've got it!

Now i'm going to put you

on with dr. Oddmitten.

He will instruct you

on how to deactivate

The train's

magnetic plasma drive.

Heh heh.

Auf wiedersehen,

My little,

devilish friend.

Heh heh.

Ah, gesundheit, frenchy.

If i might direct

you to the train's

operating manual--

Uh, behind

the minibar.

Minibar! All right!

Cold cuts! Huh ha!

So, uh, you are

a complete idiot, ja?

Look!

Before we go any further,

i demand to know one thing.

Was ist das?

Do you have any

dijon mustard?

Ja. It is behind

the mayonnaise

next to the--ugh!

You're running

out of time!

Quickly turn to page 151

in zee operating

manual--

Ok. I'm ready.

Now, what was that?

[alarms]

Dummkoph!

Zee engines are

going critical.

Don't worry.

I'll just start

pushing buttons.

[beeping]

Can someone please

tell me what happened?

Uh, ja, madam president.

It would seem

he has reversed

The magnetic polarity

on the tracks!

[eerie space noises]

Nothing can stop

Our invasion

of the earth now.

Woo woo!

Aah!

Our only hope

is to go to plan "b"!

Hey, don't you people

know what the left lane

is for?

Train tracks, next exit!

Whew!

Aah!

Ohh!

[gibberish]

[beep]

Plan "b"

is in place,

Mein chancellor

A steel wall!

I'm doomed! Unless

Aunt myra's pound cake!

[meow]

Whew!

Oh, good, johnny!

You haven't left yet.

I forgot to write

your name on your underwear.

Mama, you'll never

guess what happened!

Wait a minute!

What's aunt myra's cake doing

lying on the ground?

Mama, no!

Next time

i'm takin' a bus.

Narrator: Thus, we see

how man has evolved

To realize his ultimate,

modern potential.

Johnny: Huh! Ha! Huh!

Hey, how come

he gets a banana?

Aah!

Mmm. Banana.

[screeching]

Hey, pops!

Congratulate me. Huh!

My cholesterol level

is up to 405.

So give me an order

of cheddar fries,

And keep it comin'.

Huh! Ha!

405? I think

that's kind of high.

Oh, all right.

Throw some

sour cream

on top.

Here you go,

And here's your

complimentary jar

of night crawlers.

What? Have you

gone mad?

You're supposed to

serve night crawlers

On a bread dish

with a salad fork.

No, johnny.

Thems ain't for eatin'.

I've decided to expand

my product line

And sell live bait

on the side.

That would explain

all the crusty fishermen

at the counter.

Blueberry pancakes

and a cappuccino.

Pint of glow worms

for me.

Ooh! That's

the biggest guppy

i've ever seen!

Aye. 3 ounces

she were.

Tore me leg

clean off.

Hey, pops.

Chicks dig

fishermen.

Oh, sure, johnny.

Everybody knows that.

Hey, baby.

I once kept

a goldfish in my mouth

for an entire month.

[slap]

Ah,

silly johnny.

Chicks don't

care about

goldfish.

They want to

hear about

the valiant struggle

Of a man alone

in the wilderness,

Locked in mortal

combat with the

great sport fish:

The plucky grouper,

The scheming

coelacanth,

And the rare,

endangered

Sassy-mouthed

salmon.

All right! I'll do it!

You mean you'll

borrow my puddle-jumper

To fly to alaska,

then catch and eat

The world's last remaining

sassy-mouthed salmon?

No. Actually i meant

Go home and make milk

come out of my nose,

But your idea

is good, too.

North to alaska!

Get off the counter.

Johnny: Thanks for letting

me use your plane, pops.

Pops: Sure thing, son.

If you do catch

the legendary

Sassy-mouthed

salmon,

It'll be great publicity

for my bait business.

Besides, i need

the flying practice.

Tree!

Uh!

Didn't see

that coming.

Peanuts?

No, thanks.

Soda?

No!

Headset for the movie?

Yes, it is.

Now go away!

Come on, johnny.

Take the headset.

Get away, carl.

But, johnny,

it's meryl streep.

Quit touchin' me!

Ah! My jaw!

Come on! I asked you

not to touch me

once before, didn't i?

[johnny and carl yelling]

You kids,

cut it out!

Don't make me turn

this plane around!

At least

have a soda!

I don't want

a soda!

Aah! I'm hit!

Mayday!

Mayday!

Pull up, pops!

Pull up!

Pops: This is

definitely going to bring

My insurance rates up.

Huh! Just like

i planned it.

You guys stay here

and tend the fire.

I'm going to go catch

this so-called

sassy-mouthed salmon.

Ah, fly-fishing.

The serene simplicity

of a man, a fly rod,

and a bubbling brook.

Ooh! Ooh!

I got one! I got one!

Whoa!

Congratulations!

You hooked yourself

an idiot.

You know, it's not nice

to make fun of people--

Hey! You must be

the legendary

sassy-mouthed salmon!

Now, really.

I thought i was the duke

of northumberland.

Well, your majesty,

prepare to be caught!

Not likely,

You mouth-breathing

ignoramus.

You know,

after i catch you

and eat you,

I am going to wash

your mouth out with soap!

Doh!

Johnny: Now, let's see.

Which one

of these cunning lures

i've designed should i use?

Mama's priceless diamond earring

has never failed me.

But my feathered wiener dog

works best in fresh water.

Doh! Ah! Uh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Hey!

Honest abe!

No fish can resist

the lure

Of the great emancipator!

Careful! Careful!

Gettin' lots of play.

Pull, man! Pull!

I think you've got me.

Really? Errr!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, dear!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, that's rich!

Oh! Ha ha ha!

That's it! It's go time,

you walleyed piece of chum!

B-b-b-bluu!

Ooh!

That takes care of him.

Now to fulfill

my inexorable drive

To spawn.

Hello, beautiful.

Heaven must be missing

a salmon.

B-b-b-bluu!

Why, the little fella's

just tryin' to pick up

Fish chicks.

In that way, he is not

unlike myself.

So, tell me.

Do you spawn here often?

Johnny: Oh! Oh! Man!

That's the worst line ever.

Ha ha ha!

I suppose you've

got a better idea.

Just talk to her.

Be yourself,

And if that doesn't work,

flex your pecs. Huh!

Chicks dig that.

Hmm. A brazen display

of machismo.

It's just crazy enough

to work.

Hello, scrumptious.

Care to see me do this?

Ooh!

Johnny: That-a boy!

See those moves?

I taught him that!

Pops: Good work, johnny!

I see you got

the big one cornered.

Net him, johnny!

Net him and gaff him!

You fiends!

Touch not this gentle salmon,

For in his chest

beats the heart

of a lover.

And if we look

in our hearts,

Would we not find

the heart of a salmon?

Yes. Yes!

The heart

Of a scared,

little salmon!

[sobbing]

Well, dag burnit, johnny,

If we aren't

going to eat him,

What are we

going to do with him?

You're not

going to do

anything to them!

So long as i live,

these salmon

Are under my protection.

Hey, look!

A butterfly!

Mmm. Hey, pops,

This salmon is delicious.

What did you do to it?

That's

trout amandine,

you nabob,

And get your elbows

off the counter.

Johnny: Look out.

A babe.

Mercy.

Whatever.