04x02 - Traffic Troubles/My Funny Looking Friend

[bunniefuu]

- 1, 2, 3, huh!

Baby!

Sassy!

Studly!

Ooh!

Check the pecs.

Huh! Ha! Huh!

Man, i'm pretty.

[cheering]

Do the monkey with me.

Come on!

Hey there, baby. Ooh!

Yeah, whatever.

- Ha! Hey, little miss.

I'm looking fine while waiting

across the street, girl.

Want to buy me lunch? Huh! Ha!

Come on. Change.

Ohh. Let's not keep her waiting.

Turn green already!

[tires squeal]

[siren blares]

- Sir, step away

from the street.

- But

- Anything you say can

and will be used against you.

- Thank you, officers.

Honestly, people walk

around here like it's a freewa--

- And the fine is $100.

- $100? Where am i gonna come up

with that kind of scratch?

- Well, it says here,

either you pay the fine

Or spend saturday

in traffic school.

- Traffic school? Hmm.

I got an idea.

How about you pay

the hundred bucks, mama?

- I got an idea. No.

- Aw. But--

- Oh, honey,

it's for your own good.

- Besides, it will be fun.

Look at these great options.

There's stand-up traffic school.

- Stand-up traffic school?

- That's right, ladies.

Keep standing up.

- Whoa! Yeah, right.

- How about this one,

birdhouse building

traffic school?

- That's right, ladies.

Get those 2x4s up

to the third floor.

- Uh, skip on down.

- Musical comedy

traffic school?

- Musical comedy traffic school.

- And remember, always yield

to pedestrians.

- Oh, yeah! That's the one! Huh!

- Oh, man. I can't wait

to spend a whole saturday

With a roomful of high-kicking

musical comedy chicks.

[laughter]

Hey. Where's all the foxy chicks

i read about?

- Right here, tiger.

- Say, you look

like one of the jets

from "west side story."

- Crazy.

- Cool.

- Pow!

- Aw, man. I should have

brought my costume

From "phantom of the opera."

- Aw, what did i get

myself into?

- how do?

- what the?

- welcome to my class,

you all look awake

now that you're all here

i'll take care

of your mistake

Hey, johnny, good to see you,

hate to be you.

- Do i know you from somewhere?

- Oh, that doesn't matter.

All that matters is

all of you have done a crime

- we've done a crime

- now you got to

do your time

- we've done a crime

- you chose not

to pay your fee

you need your money

just like me

so pass this class

don't end up

like clyde or bonnie

So how's my teaching so far?

- Maybe you could

teach yourself to disappear?

- h* h* h*!

No, johnny.

That's magic traffic school

with mr. Magician.

- I also do birthday parties

and bar mitzvahs.

Call me!

- sorry i'm late,

i'm allison pace

i got a speeding ticket

trying to find this place

- well, don't be downhearted,

we're just getting started

- welcome to musical comedy

traffic school

- la loo loo la la la school

- Oh, goody! That's neat!

- Miss pace, take your seat.

- Hey, musical mama.

Want to play a game of pec-pong?

- Give me a break, rattlesnake.

- Ooh.

- Sabba sibby sabba.

- Nooby abba nabba.

- le lo le lo

- Hey. Can we make sure

these guys don't eat

any more sugar?

- Yeah. Like that's gonna

curb our enthusiasm.

- Nice pun with the curb line.

High-five.

- Ow!

- Speaking of curbs--

nice segue, old chum.

Thank you, old chum.

listen while i tell you about

the signs out on the road

they tell you when to park,

what to do, and where to go

like railroad crossing,

do not enter

stop, that's the wrong way

or keep your distance

from my car because i'm crazy

be a smart cookie

and keep your distance

from that cat

every day, you run

into a sign out on the street

now imagine, people,

if you will

if signs were obsolete

you'd never know about

who or what or where

you'd like to be

so the next time

you see a sign

just thank it real kindly

Now that i have your attention,

At the end of the day,

you each must perform

in your own special way,

And just to make

the competition extra nice,

The winner gets this pair

of musical fuzzy dice.

[cheering]

[dice playing "la cucaracha"]

- I must win those dice.

- So come up with

a traffic lesson

in music and verse.

Now, let's break

for a 3-hour lunch and rehearse!

[ring]

Class dismissed.

- Uh, wait a second.

What if you don't sing?

- Then you flunk the class.

- And that's a bad thing, right?

- Look, johnny,

if you flunk the class,

You're gonna

have to pay the fine

or take the class again.

Think about it.

- Ooh! Maybe you could

take my class.

Ooh! Magic!

- Oh, man. I hate school.

[sighs]

- Mind if i join you?

- Whoa! Easy there,

old lady mama.

- Cool your jets, junior.

You're not my type,

But i do see you fancy

that babe over there.

- i know, i know, i know,

i know, i know

i know, i know, i know

- Yeah. What about it?

- I know for a fact that she

has a penchant for singers.

Know what i mean?

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?

- A penchant?

You mean she has a big belly?

- No, silly.

She likes people who sing.

Uh, long story.

She used to date my cousin.

He's a singer, yada-yada-yada.

Anyhow, if you want

to win the girl,

You got to win the prize!

- Hmm. Win the prize

and the girl?

Sounds good.

One problem. I don't sing.

- What? Are you crazy?

Sure you do.

It's easy.

Just use your diaphragm.

- You mean my penchant?

- Try this.

la

- ohh

- Remember. Singing is just

talking real slow.

Try it, johnny.

- ThisIsRealDumb.

- You're doing great, johnny.

Now add rhythm.

Hop up and down on one foot

while you rub your stomach

at the same time.

You got it!

Now just combine the two.

- IGotRhythm.

- parallel parking,

backing up, backing up

Ohh!

- Hello? You're breaking

our creative flow.

- Flow?

- Flow.

- Flow? Kiss my grits.

- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

- Well, that was

very promising, johnny.

A lot of improvement.

- i know, i know, i know,

i know, i know

i know, i know, i know,

i know, i know

- Aw, man. Who are we kidding?

I'm never gonna beat that chick.

She's like a--a pro

or something.

- If only we had more time.

[both sigh]

I just wish there was

some kind of music

Where you didn't have to sing.

- do do do do do do do do

- Yeah. What can you possibly do

Where you don't sing

but it's still music?

- Yeah. Some crazy kind of music

Where you're, like, talking

the words or something.

[hip-hop music playing]

Idea!

- Idea!

- As we sped down

the mountain highway,

I begged him to read the sign.

He said, "i hate reading.

It hurts my head,

And, baby, please don't whine."

That's when we took the corner,

and his hotrod began to swerve.

He should have read the sign.

it said, "beware

of dangerous curves"

dangerous curves,

dangerous curves

dangerous cur-ur-ur-ohh

[cheering and applause]

- I don't see how anyone

can top that performance,

But let's indulge him anyway.

Johnny bravo!

[woman making percussion sounds]

- well, i'm j. Bra

working the microphone

looking cool in the school,

but i'm not alone

i got marlo on the beat box

doing her thing

so i can tell you what i know

about trafficking

red light, yellow light,

green light, go

stop is a sign

that you need to know

check my hair really quick

from behind the wheel

then i pull to the side

for my curb appeal

i don't need to drive

to know my left from my right

or to know jimmie walker

says dy-no-mite

'cause i got me a class

that i hope i pass

but here's some more

you should know

when you hit the gas

keep your eyes on the road,

or you will not see

all the kids in the street

having a party

you can join all the fun

if you park your car

when you're done,

say good night

like a movie star

- is there more i should know

before i turn the key?

- there's a book,

take a look at the d.M.V.

Huh!

- Yeah. All right!

That was awesome!

- Whoa, cool!

- Right on!

- Thanks, old lady mama.

- Go get her, tiger.

- Hi there.

You want to celebrate

With a hip-and-happening

singer type?

- Thanks for taking me

to dinner, snooky-ookums.

- I don't get it.

I thought you had

A big belly for singer types.

- Sorry, johnny.

Your rap was superawesome,

And congratulations

on your win,

But there's just something

about bald men who can sing.

- So i got that going for me.

[car starts]

[tires squeal]

- with a knick-knack,

paddy whack, give a dog a bone

this old man

came rolling home

[dice playing "la cucaracha"]

- Care for a little stud

with your spuds?

- What kind of pizza would you

like your pizza stuffed with?

- How about topping that pie off

with some bravoroni?

Baby, i know you

[squeak squeak]

Need me.

You must be all

twisted up inside about it.

Ooh, mama!

- Your hair

Smells like day-old pretzels.

do do do do

do do do do

wallah, wallah, zigzag, hey

- What was i ever thinking?

How could anyone be angry

with you two cuties?

You're just so precious.

I'm taking the rest

of the day off

So i can enjoy the company

Of these simply

charming gentlemen.

- You don't have my muscles,

you don't have my moves,

And you don't have myMuscles,

But you still

scored that chick.

What gives?

- Well, let's just say,

i couldn't have done it

Without the help

of my funny-looking friend.

[girl laughing]

- Funny-looking friend?

- You got it.

Let me let you in

on a little secret, huh?

I used to be

a second-rate nobody

just like you,

But ever since i hooked up

With that funny-looking fellow

over there,

Things have really

turned around.

I cannot keep the ladies away.

I got a different date

every night of the week,

And my chronic halitosis

has all but disappeared.

My breath is fresher than ever.

Bottom line, the ladies love

that silly goofball.

He reels them in

like a puppy dog.

Do the math, huh?

Cool dude plus

a funny-looking friend equals?

- 7?

- Equals babes galore.

With the funny-looking friend

in the wings,

You can-a do

no wrong, my friend.

- Funny-looking friend, huh?

Now, where am i ever gonna find

a funny-looking friend?

Ooh!

Say, you're

pretty funny-looking.

You want to be

my funny-looking friend?

- Oh, nooooooo!

- Aah!

- Aah!

- Hey, doofus.

Want to have superhip, cool dude

for a best friend?

- Would i?

- Hey, you'd make a great

funny-looking friend.

Funny nose, funny eyes,

and hair like a porcupine's.

- I am a porcupine,

and besides,

I'm already running that racket.

- Yip, yip, yip, yip, yiiip!

[women laughing]

- Aw, man, i'll never find

a funny-looking friend.

- Try holding auditions.

That's how i found my guy.

- Auditions?

So why would you make

a good funny-looking friend?

- Who are you calling

funny-looking?

- You seem like a good goofball.

- Goofball? Naw.

But i'm a quarter gumball

on my mother's side.

- Bee-dazzle.

- Hi, johnny.

What you doing?

- Next.

- Johnny bravo?

- Yeah.

- The johnny bravo?

The name's newton.

I must say, it is a pleasure

to finally meet you.

- The pleasure's all yours.

- Yeah. You have a lot

to work with here--

Good chest, great shoulders,

and the hair.

Well, it's all really

quite impressive.

You know, if i may speak

frankly for a moment,

There are a lot of fly-by-night

funny-looking friends out there.

No passion, no drive,

no commitment.

Sure, they'll

promise you the world,

But in the end,

they'll leave you empty-handed.

Now, me, i've been

at this game a long time.

I've got experience,

and i'll get you results.

I'm wacky and goofy

and as silly-looking

as they come.

But i'm also well-groomed,

even-tempered,

And i've been lice-free

for the last 3 months.

So what do you say?

Are we a team?

- You're sure

about that lice thing?

- 73% sure.

- All right.

That's good enough for me.

Let's go to work.

- All right. Now, when you see

an attractive lady like that,

What do you usually do?

- A little bit of sweet-talking

and a whole lot of

Huh! Huh! Ha!

- Ok. Tell you what.

Just do your thing

and leave the rest to me.

- Want to some johnny brav-os?

Part of this

nutritious breakfast.

[hawaiian music playing]

- coconut stew, coconut stew

everybody's playing

the coconut stew

- You know, normally,

i'd never go out with you,

But seeing as you

have such good taste

in funny-looking friends,

How can i say no?

- This guy is good.

- here's the story

about my funny-looking friend

from the sweet,

sweet beginning

to the bitter, bitter end

i use him, abuse him,

but never want to lose him

he gets me chicks

just by looking funny

he's your pal,

he's your buddy

and your best friend, too

but the nicest thing of all

he's even funnier-looking

than you-hoo

me and him,

my funny-looking friend

from the sweet,

sweet beginning

to the bitter, bitter end

i use him, abuse him,

but never want to lose him

he's goofy and frazzy

but gots the razzmatazzy

he gets me the chicks

just by looking funny

funny

- funny

- funny, oh, yeah, funny

he's your pal,

he's your buddy,

and your best friend, too

but the nicest thing of all

he's even funnier-looking

that you-hoo

me and him,

my funny-looking friend

from the sweet,

sweet beginning

to the bitter, bitter end

i use him, abuse him,

but never want to lose him

he's goofy and frazzy

but gots the razzmatazzy

he gets me the chicks

just by looking funny

funny

- funny

- funny, oh, yeah, funny

[laughing]

- Are we a team,

or are we a team?

- Yeah. About that.

Johnny bravo's going solo.

- What? Why?

- Let's just say,

i got a houseful of hot tamales

And one big appetite.

- I'm not following you.

- Let's just say,

i got a houseful of hot tamales

And one big appetite.

How do i put this nicely?

Beat it!

[all talking at once]

Keep sitting pretty, pretties,

while i go freshen up. Huh!

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the most

babe-gettingest one of all?

That's right.

Me, johnny bravo! Huh!

[gargling]

[spitting]

If you'll excuse me.

[crickets chirping]

Oh, where, oh, where

have my chickadees gone?

Oh, where,

oh, where, could they be?

Oh, mama!

[buzzing]

- Hey, bee-fcake,

this bee-n dip can't be bee-t.

Don't bee-lieve me?

Then it would bee-hoove you

to ask my bee-ver.

- It is rather good.

- Right.

[laughing]

[all talking at once]

- Hey, johnny.

- I don't get it.

How did you end up

with all the babes?

- Well, i couldn't have done it

without you, johnny bravo,

My funny-looking friend.

- Wait.

Who's he calling funny-looking?