04x13 - Johnny Makeover/Back on Shaq

[bunniefuu]

- Baby!

Sassy!

Studly!

Ooh! Check the pecs!

Hoo! Hah! Hoo!

Man, i'm pretty!

Do the monkey with me! Come on!

Hey there, baby!

Yeah, whatever.

- Hey there, baby!

How about you and i--

MmmMalty!

- Look at that hair!

Talk about a dweeb! Ha ha!

Ha! Haaa

- Agreed. The foolish

cartoon man

Certainly lacks panache.

- Seriously.

That kid could benefit

From a few furley-fied skills.

Haa! Haa! Unh!

- Then you know what we must do,

What we are sworn to do,

What only we--

"weird al" yankovic,

Don knotts, and myself,

the blue falcon--can do!

- To the makeovermobile!

- be all you can be

with the help of these 3

"weird al," don knotts,

and blue falcon

everyone will be talking

after your cartoon makeover

yeah, a cartoon makeover

here it is!

a cartoon makeover

In case i wasn't clear,

this show is called

cartoon makeover

[whistling]

- Johnny bravo!

Get ready for a

- Cartoon makeover!

- Cartoon makeover!

- Halt, cartoon bravo man!

We wish to give you

and your tv show a new look!

- A new feel!

- A total makeover!

- What are you talking about?

I don't wear makeup.

- No, no makeup

will be necessary,

Especially for me,

Since i already have

defined cheekbones

And natural eye shadows.

- We just think it's about time

for some change.

- But i don't want to change.

- We're not here to

change you, johnny;

We're here to make you better

Through change!

- Yeah, right. Skip that!

Makeover shows are for chicks.

- That is correct. Observe:

- Oh, my gosh! It's the guys

from that makeover show!

- I love makeover shows!

- And i love guys that get

made over in makeover shows!

[snap]

- Ohhh!

- Ohhh!

- Ohhh!

- The ladies love the makeovers.

- But the ladies already

love johnny. Huh!

- Think of it as a 1-2 punch!

- You can never

attract enough ladies.

- You got a point there.

Sure, why not?

Bring it on, batman!

- I'm the blue falcon.

- Repeat after me:

"anything for the ladies."

- Anything for the ladies.

- Anything for the ladies!

- Right. Anything

for the ladies.

- How about this?

This? This? This? This?

Oh, wait! I've got it!

Now that's a hairdo!

- More like a hair doofus.

- Trust me,

chicks dig this look.

Have you ever had a date

with britney spears?

- No.

- Then obviously you're doing

something wrong!

To wardrobe!

- Next item: Change of attire!

- What's wrong with

the way i dress?

It works for me!

- Here! Put these on.

They're square pants.

- Who do you think i am,

a rubik's cube?

That's crazy talk!

- Yeah, crazy talk like a fox!

Trust us, your ratings will

go through the roof!

- My what?

- And the losers club called--

They want their sunglasses back.

There! Elton johnny bravo.

- But i--

- Behold! My personal tailor

Made this superhero

latex suit for you.

- "j.B."

What's that stand for?

Ohh.

You can tell me later.

- Now you've got the look that

appeals to the 6-to-11-year-old

demographic.

There's just one last thing

every tv star needs.

- Abs of steel?

'cause i've got that.

- No, silly--a catch phrase.

Something kids nationwide

will repeat

Over and over and over and over,

Until their parents go crazy.

- So, johnny,

try out some phrases!

- Bite my pants!

Johnny bGoode!

Word to my mama!

Mmm-mmm!

I love pudding!

UhThat one's

not a catch phrase.

I was just hungry.

Whatcha talking? Cut that out!

Excuse my dyn-o-mite!

- That's the one!

Now let's see if

the ladies respond

To the new, improved johnny!

- Ok, johnny. Just be yourself.

Hey there, baby!

- I thought you might come back!

[chickens clucking]

- Ohh!

Seriously, this is

so not working for me.

I quit!

- Now wait just

a darn tootin', johnny!

Don't you want

to get the ladies?

- WellYeah, but--

- Then what you need

is a new hangout!

Pop's diner is so old-fashioned!

- You need an extreme setting

with nonstop action!

Hark! A skate park!

- Aah!

What's going on?

- Isn't this extreme?

- Yes, quite extreme!

- Extreme to the max!

- All right, johnny. Let's see

how you do with the ladies here!

- And johnny, remember:

To fit in with

these extreme kids,

You need to use their

extreme street slang.

- Hi there!

Uh, i mean

Word, yo!

- Heads up!

[crash]

Hi, sweetie!

- I'm in pain!

- But it's extreme pain!

That's a good thing!

Ok, i think it's clear

what the problem is.

- Everything?

- No!

Your friends!

That chick was

putty in your hands

Before your friends arrived.

- Johnny, what your show needs

is new supporting characters.

The ones you've got now

have gots to go!

- Except for your mother,

with her silky hair

- And her kissable lips

- And her

oh-so-beautiful--

- Ok, i get the point!

- As a sitcom expert,

i know just what you need:

A wacky neighbor, like i was!

- But not just any

wacky neighbor--

The wackiest neighbor ever!

- Like this!

- Hey hey hey! My name is

wacky neighbotron 5000.

Care for some jabboo jabboo?

- You see, we created it

by taking the best elements

Of other sitcom neighbors.

Right now, it's in

"charming pesk" mode.

But it can also be a landlord.

- I just came here

to collect the rent

And overhear a crazy

misunderstanding.

- A nerdy religious family man.

- Howdily doodily,

johnnerino.

- Or kimmy gibbler

from "full house."

- Hey, deej!

- I guess i'll try

anything at this point.

What about her?

- Data computations indicate

a 98.3% success rate

With a romantic proposition.

- Huh?

- She's all yours.

- Hey there, toots!

The name's johnny.

Welcome to my world!

- Ohh!

What a cute robot!

What do these buttons do?

- Hey, deej! Hey, deej!

[voice lowers]

hey, deej! Hey, deej!

[speaking gibberish]

Overheat, overheat.

[speaking gibberish]

- So, how's friday night?

Whoa!

Ohh!

[crash]

Can't you guys use the door?

- Enough complaining.

You should be 100% focused on

getting a girl,

And we know just what you need.

- We're gonna trade spaces

on your heinie!

- We must destroy

these bright colors.

Women don't want

sunny and happy;

They want dark and mysterious.

Watch this action!

- Holy tone change, batman!

- I'm blue! I'm a blue falcon.

- And add a touch of whimsy

[rumbling]

- This episode just keeps

getting weirder and weirder.

[speaking japanese]

- Don't worry. It's almost over.

Just one last touch.

[people laughing]

- What's that?

- It's a laugh track!

- A what?

[laughter]

- The sound of

an audience laughing.

When you say something funny

[laughter]

Or even not funny

[laughter]

- Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's watch your new show!

[hard rock music]

- jbx, johnny bravo extreme

jbx, gonna make you scream

jbx, he's everything

you're not

jbx got a talking robot

- Do the monkey with me!

- Do the robot with me!

- johnny bravo extreme

watch it!

- Hey there, hot stuff!

Whatcha talkin'? Cut it--

Ohh! Excuse my dyn-o-mite!

- Yes, excuse his

Dyno-dilly-mite-illy!

[laugh track]

- Kids? What do you think?

[sobbing]

- Johnny should have elvis hair!

- He should talk normaler!

- I'm confused, and disoriented!

- Well, johnny, here's

your new new look!

It's totally fresh!

- UhThanks.

- Hey, what do you say we

make over the powerpuff girls?

- You know, they could

use some fingers.

- Wait! You guys can fly?

- We're the blue falcon,

don knotts,

And "weird al" yankovic!

We can do anything!

- There's gotta be

better shows on tv.

- "shaquille o'neal

Summer league basketball camp."

It's got to be better than

the plumbers convention.

So, do hot chicks ever show up

to these things?

- Hot chicks? Ha!

Who has the time for hot chicks

When there's toilets

to be plunged?

Yee-haw! It don't get

any better than this!

- What's this?

The "sugar shaqs"? Huh!

It's getting better

all the time!

[whistle]

- Personal foul! Two shots!

- Hip hop bam,

sh**t it alakazam,

Do it!

[clang]

- Aww!

- Aww!

- Quiet! Nobody's leaving

till i make a basket.

- We know!

- We know!

- How many baskets

has he missed so far?

- What do i look like,

a calculator?

- Hmm. That boy could use some

good luck right about now.

- Do you think it's my form?

- Nah. You're perfect.

I just think you're on

a bad luck streak.

- Do i pay you to say that?

- No, sir.

- Well, i should.

- Come on, shaq, you can do it!

- Want to be a good neighbor

and give me some sugar?

[kissing sounds]

- Will you move?

- You mean like this?

Come on, shake it like

a polaroid picture! Ohh!

Ohhhh, noooo!

- Yay!

- Yay!

- Thanks for blocking my fall

And the sun.

- Come here, halfpint.

- Do i have a--ohh!

- Yay!

- Aww!

- Hey, watch the hair!

- Yay!

[crowd cheers]

- Guess what, halfpint?

Whether you like it or not,

You're gonna be hanging

with the shaq

As my new good luck charm.

Any questions?

- YeahWhaa?

- So, is he one of us now?

- Excuse me one sec. Ahem.

Hey, uh, shaquille?

- You can call me shaq.

- Yeah, whatever.

When she said "one of us,"

Does that mean me, and her,

and her, and her?

- You can look,

but you can't touch.

- As long as i get to look,

You've got yourself one hunk

of a good luck charm!

- And now, presenting at 7'1",

From louisiana state,

Shaquille o'neal!

- Yay!

- Yay!

- Huh?

- Huh?

- Can you dig it?

- Can you dig it?

- Yes we can!

- Yes we can!

- All right, shaq,

who's the tail gunner?

- What, you mean halfpint?

- Hey ya!

- Don't mess with me, big boy!

- There ain't nothing in

the rule book that says

I can't wear a good luck charm

on the court.

- We'll see about that!

- Wow! The view from

back here is sweet!

- Page 126, paragraph two:

"athletes may wear

necessary accouterments

As long as they are strapped

securely to their body."

- Ooh!

- Talk to the back!

Get it, get it?

Aw, yeah, push it!

[whistle]

- game on!

- Hey, buddy.

- Yeah?

- Your fly's down.

- Oh, man!

- You're in my house now.

You ready to bring it on,

halfpint?

- I'm good-looking

and good lucking!

Jealous much?

- Yay!

- Did you see that?

Shaq is on fire!

- For those of you listening

at home, shaq is not literally

on fire--

Just metaphorically.

It must be that new good luck

charm he's wearing!

- Oh, man!

One of you guys forgot

to wear deodorant. Phew!

- Yay!

- You hear that, halfpint?

That's for you and me, dawg.

[blowing kisses]

- All i have to say is, hey ya!

Whoo whoo! Arrrr! Sss sss!

- Whatever, buddy. Just keep

dishing out the good luck.

- Incoming!

- Unh!

- Yay!

[reporters shouting]

- Shaq, how does it feel

to get your groove back?

- Don't you mean "groovy" back?

'cause i'm here to tell you,

the view from up here

Is so cool!

- You heard the man.

You should be my publicist.

- Shaq, you just scored

like a bajillion points,

But the big question is,

Where can i get one

of those things on your back?--

Oh, but more johnny depp.

- You might try johnny depp.

- You think?

- People, people!

Please notice me,

For i am here today to offer

mr. Shaquille o'neal

A $100 million contract

To endorse charlie parsons

deep-fried bucket desserts.

- For real? I thought

i wasn't good enough

To endorse your product.

- Yeah, yeah, that was

when you were awful.

But that's all in the past!

Remember, everybody

loves a winner!

- Are you gonna eat that?

- Halfpint, i think this is

the beginning of--

- Seriously, can i have that?

'cause i'm kind of hungry.

[flashbulbs popping]

- shaqarazzi!

bling bling! Hey!

shaqamo fee nah nay!

shaq snack, baby!

- Loser!

- Yay!

[buzzer]

- Welcome to the 10th annual

shaquille o'neal

Half time one-on-one

basketball game!

- Yay!

- Isn't there something better

to do with our half times?

I mean, our "sugar shaqs"

could use a little johnny time.

- Not this time.

This is important.

I've been waiting for

this moment all year.

Now that i've got you

as my good luck charm,

It's payback time

here in shaqapulco!

- Now introducing from

philadelphia, pennsylvania,

Last year's champion,

who put shaq to shame,

Who pummeled him

with his presence,

Who outscored, outplayed--

- Will you just

announce the fool!

- The guy who's much nicer to me

than shaquille o'neal

Seth green!

- Yay!

- Yay!

- You eat french fries

bigger than that kid!

- He may be small,

but he's squirrelly.

- Are you ready to make like

a mongoose and not win?

- Are you trying to be clever?

'cause that didn't make sense.

- Yeah, well

So what? Neither will you

when i get done with you!

You're going down, big man!

- Not this time, small fry.

I got luck on my side.

- Yeah, don't mess!

- Oh, i heard,

Which is why i came prepared.

- Huckleberry hound?!

- Huckleberry hound?!

- Howdy, y'all!

Can i get a what what?

- What what!

- What what!

- We can take them.

Remember, shaq:

Eye of the tiger!

[whistle]

- to 20 points, people!

- He ain't bad.

He ain't nothing.

- Look out!

- Tattletale!

[whistle]

- foul, green! One shot!

- What? I barely

even touched him!

- Talk about hack-a-shaq.

My great-grandma felt that slap.

- Do you mind? We're trying to

have a conversation

With the deaf and blind

gentleman with the whistle.

[whistle]

- Personal foul!

Insulting the referee!

Two shots!

- What are you doing?

Oh, man, i knew i should have

gone with hong kong phooey.

- Say, uh, shaq, i kind of have

to use the bathroom.

- Can't you just hold it?

- No!

- Wait!

- Let's go, shaq!

- What's the matter? Can't play

without your little halfpint?

- Concentrate, focus,

Follow through.

- Oh, brick! Brick, brick, oh!

- Wait! I'm coming!

- Sorry, buddy. Nobody goes on

the floor when shaq's sh**ting.

- But i'm his good luck charm!

- What the--?

- What the--?

[buzzer]

- Yay!

- Wait!

You're not supposed

to be good without me!

Nooo!

- Nooo!

[buzzer]

- yay!

- Go shaq! Go shaq!

It's your birthday!

It's your birthday!

- Hey, shaq, i'm ready

to play again!

Why don't i join you up there--

- sorry, halfpint.

I guess my bad luck

was all in my head.

Thanks for all your help, but

i think i can take it from here.

- But--

- let's go, people!

- So maybe we'll

see you around

- Yeah?

- Not!

[giggling]

Go shaq! Go shaq!

It's your birthday!

It's your birthday!

Go shaq! Go shaq

- So what am i

supposed to do now?

- Hey. You want to go drown

our losses in some hot cocoa?

- It helps take the sting out.

- Why not?

- oh, my darling,

oh, my darling

oh, my darling clementine

- Yo, dog, don't you know

any other songs?

- Mom? All the kids tease me

'cause i'm not cool and extreme

Like daniel ordunya.

- Well, maybe this

will change their mind.

- Ohh! The new shaquille o'neal

halfpint backpack!

- when you're down and out

and feeling small

when you don't feel like

playing much basketball

just grab your pack,

start up a new trend

see, everybody want

to be your friend

- Thank you, shaquille!

Now i'm not a loser!

- I can also be enjoyed by

new moms and kangaroos. Huh!