#No Filter (2023)

[bunniefuu]

I don't even know why I started the day by having a bowl of cereal.

If there was one thing I knew I was not going to need today,

It was food.

I wasn't even hungry.

Maybe I did it out of habit, from doing it every day?

Or maybe it's because I knew this bowl of cereal

would be my last.

And I wanted to enjoy it,

one last time.

I haven't slept. Not one bit.

I spent the whole night in bed wide awake, thinking.

I guess this is proof I am not making a rash decision.

When you think about everything for too long

you kind of get lost in a big, dark, messy cloud.

But first thing in the morning, my brain is always more efficient.

And here, as I chewed, I felt my brain

literally summarizing this thorough introspection of myself.

Hours and hours of pondering, been inexplicably categorized

and organized into sections and points.

All concluding with one major unarguable evident fact,

it just had to end.

I'm not sure where it all went wrong. I had been happy.

I remember it. I remember the feeling.

That's what makes it harder I guess, to live without it.

I know this guy, Mark.

He keeps popping into my mind because this guy is the happiest person on earth.

He's just never sad. I'm not envious of him.

I just wonder how it's possible.

I mean, the f*ck is always happy.

I've got everything I need.

I'm where I'm supposed to be doing, exactly what I love.

And I'm loving every second of it.

What a d*ck! You know why?

Not because he is faking it, but because I think he actually means it.

I guess I'm jealous.

He's a Christian. Not entirely sure if that has anything to do with it.

But for him, it must.

Sometimes I wish I had faith. It feels like everything would be easier.

But I just can't remove this part of me that thinks God is the easy solution

to everything that scares us.

You know, when I'm asked:

Do you believe in God?

I always respond with:

"I'm not sure." And then I add:

I don't know if I believe in God,

But I do believe in an inexplicable power, one that started all things.

I mean, there must have been a start, right?

Though it's kind of interesting how we assume there was a start

when we know there will be no end and that everything is infinite.

That's another thing that always finds its way back into my mind, infinity.

It's some deep, freaking scary stuff, I'm telling you.

it just makes everything so pointless and meaningless.

I mean, we know that we all have a very limited amount of time to live on an endless timeline,

and you can try to turn it around and think that

this would be the main reason why you should use this time wisely.

But will it really means is that on the incomprehensible scale of infinity,

You never really existed.

So whatever you do in life,

remember that it just doesn't f*cking matter.

Nothing does, nothing has, and nothing ever will.

I'm sorry. My goal is not to bring you down with me, but to be fair,

If you think about it in a different way.

I'm giving you a wonderful tip.

Next time you're feeling stressed or anxious,

just remind yourself that nothing has and nothing will ever matter.

That should do the trick.

Sometimes, even when something feels nice,

I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't.

You know what I've realized? It's necessary for humanity to be stupid.

We now know too much, and the truth scares us.

So we choose to ignore it.

Ignorance is bliss, they say. They're not wrong.

We make ourselves dumber on purpose to avoid feeling scared and insignificant.

And we put ourselves in the center of all things

because life is not revolving around us, if it's not about us, then it really is scary.

If you imagine a conversation with someone from a different world, I bet it would go like this:

So you knew that there were at least a hundred billion planets in your galaxy?

And you knew that the universe contained at least 2 trillion different galaxies?

and in all of this, you thought... it was jusy you?

Stephen knew a lot about space.

He really opened my eyes, talking about all these amazing facts.

I actually think that it was watching his fascination that made me fall for him.

I loved the way he'd stop in the middle of a sentence sometimes, when I stared for too long.

A little smile appeared on his face, and he said:

What?

Love is dangerous and harmful.

That's what breaking up with Stephen taught me.

And the worst part was; when I lost him, I realized how much I loved him.

Or so I thought.

Why are we so messed up? Why do we love what we've lost more than what we have?

And why do we need to want what we don't have?

That last one is actually what k*lled Lilly.

Not a break-up. Something much more important.

I can't help thinking about her, especially today.

It has been six years now. The pain is gone.

But what stayed is much deeper. Probably worse.

Lilly had one dream, and when it was made clear to her

that she would never become the only thing she really wanted to be,

she had to hide it so well, the pain.

It's so hard to know people, what's really inside them, what they're actually thinking.

If you think you really know your friends, I would strongly recommend you think again.

If this video can leave you with one thing, hopefully, it will be that.

How I wish I'd simply asked: "How are you?"

I'm fine.

Lily...

How are you?

Lily's death was the trigger for me.

Six years since I started to think deeper than I should.

Sometimes I prefer the version of myself that didn't think, and that didn't know sh*t.

That versio used to feel so much better, at least more often.

I would give anything to be more like:

b*tch shut up! I told you, I'm vegan as f*ck now.

I eat plants with everything.

Beef, fish, pork, chicken. Everything.

Or: "Climate change?"

Let's be honest. If the climate was changing, I would know.

Or even: "The earth is flat!"

I never thought I would be one to do this. Filming myself and posting it.

I was never a big sucker for social media.

Well, that doesn't mean I didn't spend at least 2 hours a day on it.

And to be honest, my heart did race every time I got a notification or a like.

But I really never imagined I would do what I'm doing now.

I'm not going to lie. I'm terrified.

But when I'm not terrified, I am desperately and hopelessly in pain.

And I am tired of the pain. I can't stand it anymore.

I really wonder what my very last thoughts will be.

Will I really re-live my whole life?

Will I re-live the pain?

will I re-live the joy?

If you're seeing this, it means I did it.

I went through with it.

There is no way I would post this and not go through with it.

Can you imagine the shame?

I don't really know how to conclude this...

so, I'll leave you with questions instead.

Why is everything a test?

Why do we suffer more than we get to enjoy life?

Why does the pain of a broken love lasts longer than love itself?

Why is the heart that breaks more powerful than the one that loves?

Why are expectations more thrilling than reality?

Why are we always nostalgic of the past, always look forward to the future, but never enjoy the present?

Why are we mean?

why are we judgmental? Why is nothing ever enough?

Why is it so easy to fight? to be disappointed?

to be sad, to be anxious, stressed out, jealous, envious, and down?

"Alex, I have tried to call you, it goes straight to voicemail. Pick up! I love you" And why is it so hard to be strong?

To be brave, courageous and bold?

"Honey, I’m here for you... Please call me back" Why do we work tirelessly on trying to make things better...

"Alex, you know how much you mean to me... Pick up please " when it is so simple to ruin everything?

"Alex, you’re not alone, I’m here for you." when it is so simple to ruin everything?

Why...

is. everything. so. hard?

I don't even know why I started the day by having a bowl of cereal. I wasn't even hungry.

Maybe I did it out of habit from doing it every day?

Maybe it's because I knew... this bowl of cereal, would be my last.

and I wanted to enjoy it...

One last time.

Do you remember your last thought before you lost consciousness, Alex?

I do.

I thought...I don't want to go.

And do you remember what you saw?

I saw...

I saw everything worth living for.

Nearly 800,000 people die due to suicide every year, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds (WHO)

It is one of the leading causes of death among young people aged 15-29 and it is the fourth leading cause of death for adults aged 18-65 (CDC)

And every single time, it could have been avoided

Together, let's continue to help each other.