01x01 - First Day

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Episode 1: First Day

Hi. I'm Will,

and here are some things
I hoped wouldn't happen in my life.

My father would leave my mother.

I'm so sad.

I'd be taken out of private education
and forced to go to a normal school.

Well, this is nice...

Where the school nutter would then
take a bit of a dislike to me.

I'll rip your f*cking throat out!

But they do say,

"Whatever doesn't k*ll you
makes you stronger", except polio.

And it's not been all bad.

I'm gonna take you outside
and I want you to f*ck me.

Really? This is the story of how
I make new friends like him.

Friend. f*cking friend!

And him... and him.

Him not so much.

and definitely her.
Just to confirm,

we are going to have sex?

But back to the present.

To put you in the picture,
I have no friends,

it's my first day
and I'm in the headmaster's office

for a welcome chat
with the rest of the new kids,

or, as the otherwise known
as "the freaks".

You could be friends with us.

Yep, everyone's going to think
I'm one of them,

and in a well-meaning
but disastrous move,

as a new kid I've got to wear
a massive green badge.

I can discuss it with my Head of Sixth,
Mr Gilbert.

He seemed like an intelligent man.

Mr Gilbert,
you seem an intelligent man...

Oh, I seem intelligent.

- How lovely of you to say
- No, I just meant...

I've long since been insecure
about my capacity for learning,

so it's nice to have it ratified by you,
a child.

What I meant was,
do you think these badges

that single us out as new kids,
are a good idea?

Yes.
If you have any more views on it,

I suggest you join
the school debating society.

Obviously,
you'll have to start one first.

Oh, my mistake! He's a w*nk*r.

- Hello, John. I'm Susie.
- And so began my first day.

Is this 6B?

Great. I'm Will.

Cool.

God, just had a meet with the head

and his pet ape, Gilbert.

- What's his problem?
- What?

That Gilbert. What a tosser!

I mean, "Ooh, I'm Mr Gilbert.

I'm such a big, huge massive freak!

"And I just love to suck
the headmaster's ba*ls! And then..."

Is he behind me?

- Did you hear any of that?
- Oh, yes.

Can we start again?

As you can see
from his rather natty badge,

this is your new classmate, Will.

As you share
most of the same classes Cooper,

- you'll be looking after him.
- Sir, that's not fair!

Lesson number one of the Sixth Form,
"Life is not fair".

Sir! Look at his blazer for starters!

He's got an actual briefcase!

His shoes are clumpy,
his hair's a bit g*y...!

And that badge?!

I mean the badge alone.

It's happening. Get used to it!

One more thing.

The first day of term drink
down The Black Horse

this tradition is ridiculous
and ill*gal.

Don't get excluded
before you've even started.

- What's he talking about?
- Oh, nothing.

Is everyone going for a drink?

No. I have to go this way.

- "Ooh, I'm Will"
- Yup, thanks very much.

- Ooh, hello, Will
- Very nice, thank you.

- Nice badge, dickhead.
- Lovely. Fantastic.

- You must be what, Year Eight?
- I'm Will and I've got a spacker badge!

"Spacker"?
Super. That's not even on the badge!

- Briefcase w*nk*r!
- Another baggage-themed insult.

Thanks, Mum. Thanks a bunch.

Truth be told,
the first-day nerves had got to me,

so I went for what turned out to be

one of the more eventful shits
of my life.

I'm just good at shagging now...
That's all I'm saying.

Bollocks! How do you do it best?

Just deep.

Try to get really deep,
right up to the ba*ls.

- And do you put the ba*ls in?
- What?!

I've heard you've got to put the ba*ls
in to make it work.

Yeah, can do.

Some girls like it, some don't.

- What?! Stop talking bullshit!
- Who are these girls you've f*cked?

While you've spent
the summer stalking Carli,

I've been out porking loads of vag.

One, I've not been stalking Carli,
she's just a friend.

And two, you've never f*cked anyone!

- Nor have I, nor has Neil.
- Shut up, you dickhead!

I've f*cked loads of gir...

What's the f*ck are you doing?

You trying to look at my c*ck?

Good one.

f*ck off!

I was beginning to wonder
what sort of place I'd come to,

and then I found out.

Look at that.

Beautiful!

Come on, guys!

Hello! I'm Will and I'm doing a sh*t.

You're gonna die here, Will.

That briefcase makes me wanna punch you.

- Of course it does.
- What a spastic badge!

- That's been pointed out already.
- Your shoes are well sh*t.

- The shoes...
- Simon?

- All right?
- How's it going?

Since about five minutes ago? Fine.

Great.

I'm trying to find the common room.
Can you show me where it is?

- Not really.
- Posh twat.

Look. It's this way, but to me a favour
and just hang back a bit, yeah?

Oh, sure!

w*nk*r!

I still hadn't managed
to shake the freaks.

It's not like I was aiming high,

I just wanted to be friends with someone
who didn't have a badge on.

- Might not go to this thing tonight.
- I'm pretty knackered.

We've just had ten weeks off!

He's just spent the last ten weeks
w*nk*ng three times a day!

That's why he's knackered.

Yeah, that's it. I've had 210 wanks
and my c*ck's like a Peperami.

- Whose c*ck's like what?
- Carli!

It's just, um, nothing.

Are you coming to the pub tonight then?
I'll be there.

Great... That's great...

Are you going, Simon?

Not sure. I'm sort of more into clubs
than pubs.

g*y clubs! He's just sh1tting himself
that he won't get served.

- No, it's not that.
- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

Can you do me a favour though?

Sure. Anything.

You know what my mum's like.

She'll freak if she hears
I've been near a pub, so

don't mention it to your folks, yeah?

- Sure.
- Thanks, hon!

- Do you wear aftershave now?
- It's just Lynx.

It's nice. You coming to Sociology?

No. I'm good here.

OK. I'll see you later then.

Are you mental?! She's so fit!

Why don't you just walk
to class with her?

- I just don't feel like it.
- Oh, what's wrong?

Did you get a hard on cos
the pretty girl spoke to you?

Hang on, you haven't actually got
a stalk on, have you?

- Oh, my God, he's got a b*ner!
- Jay, please...!

Simon's got a b*ner!

b*ner!

- Let's have a look!
- Don't be shy.

Let's have a look.
Show us! Show us your b*ner!

So I was left with a choice:

stick with the freaks or make friends
with the boy now called "b*ner".

- Are you coming to Sociology, Simon?
- b*ner! b*ner! b*ner!

- Oh. I'll save you a seat.
- Thanks.

Well, there you go.
I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

And so my quest to make friends went,
not worse,

but certainly not better.

It was as if I had some kind
of contagious disease

and to be seen with me
was a form of social death,

which it is, but I was amazed
they worked it out so quickly.

It wouldn't stop me.
Anyone can be your friend.

You just need to hang around them
long enough.

Don't look left, Simon. There's a girl
with a knee-length skirt on.

- You might spunk in your pants.
- Yeah, very good.

- Hi, Simon.
- All right? This is Will.

- Nice to meet you.
- Ooh, briefcase.

- Yeah, briefcase!
- Yes, it's a briefcase.

Ooh, briefcase!

- Right. These are your friends?!
- Where we meeting tonight?

The Black Bull.
It's just out on the London Road.

- Oh, is this the drink thing?
- Great. What time?

Whatever time you like.
You're going on your own.

- I just thought we could...
- No, you thought wrong.

sh*t! What if we don't get served?
Carli will think I'm a loser.

- She'd be right.
- She might not get served.

Girls always get served. As soon as
they get t*ts, they get served.

And fit girls like her
definitely always get served.

- I'm gonna get served.
- How do you know?

I've got a fake ID, innit. A driving
licence that says I'm 18 years old.

But you're not 18.

That's right, Neil. It's fake ID.

- Oh, no...
- Is that your mum?!

I told her not to pick me up.

- She's fit!
- Yeah, I'd f*ck her!

- Thanks very much
- No, I would though. Wouldn't you?

- Well, if she's my mum... No?
- But if she wasn't?

- She is though{, so}...
- What he's saying is,

if she wasn't your mum,
would you f*ck her?

- Are we still doing this?
- So you would f*ck her?

I wanna know, if you'd get down
between her legs, spread them...

Can we stop talking
about my mother's vag*na!

- Maybe see you tonight?
- You're not invited.

Unless you bring your mum.

Did you have to pick me up?

I just wanted to hear about
your first day. I like your badge!

Why did you say I got bullied
at my last school?

- I thought you were.
- No{, I wasn't}.

I got wedgied a couple of times,
but that was just a fad.

They wanted a reason
and that's what sprang to mind.

Instead of,
"I can't afford the school fees."

- I'm going to the pub tonight...
- With who?

- Just some friends...
- Friends! Already?

Yes, "friends already".

Make sure these so-called friends
aren't just making fun of you.

- Why would they be doing that?
- I don't want you bullied again.

I was not bullied!

Can I borrow 20 quid?

For all the new Sixth Formers,
this would be a massive night.

It wasn't the drink, it was
an opportunity to reinvent yourself.

A chance for a new start.

And I've told you money's tight.

D'you want me to be called
"pikey" by my mates? Do ya?

- Jay, I've got your dinner.
- Don't come in! Don't come in!

All right, I won't come in.

Mum, can I borrow 20 quid?

Here's £10. Just promise me you won't
spend it on the fruit machines.

I can't do that, I'm afraid. Bye!

It turned out we couldn't reinvent
ourselves

without our parents noticing.

- That's a lot of gel in your hair.
- What?

Smells quite strongly, too.

Why are you telling this to me now?

I'm just mentioning it. I can see
you've got a lot in, that's all.

I don't... I can't wash it now, can I?
I've not got time!

God, I don't know
why you're like this sometimes!

- Can I borrow 20 quid?
- And by "borrow",

we meant "spend and never give back".
Next stop, the pub.

My plan to make friends was working.

Little by little,
I was wearing them down.

- Hi, guys.
- Not him!

- Oh, he's all right.
- Sorry, I'm late.

- Fingering your mum?
- Let me think... Er, no.

- No, I wasn't. So what's the plan?
- We don't need a plan. We go in there,

buy some drinks and then
wait for the gash to form a queue.

- Sorry, did he actually say "gash"?
- It'll be fine. Relax.

There is nothing relaxing about this.

If we don't get served,

I'll be humiliated
in front of the girl I've lusted

- after since she was eight.
- You fancy eight-year-olds?!

No, Neil...

Our families are friends,
we were both eight.

- You still fancied an eight-year-old.
- Come on. I've got ID. We'll be fine.

You coming in, new boy?
I do have a name.

- Sorry. You coming, briefcase mong?
- Brilliant. After you.

- Well, this is nice.
- Maybe we should come back later?

Don't sh*t yourself. We're the hardcore.

- What are you having?
- Pint of lager.

- Pint.
- Doesn't a pint seem like a lot

- when you think about it?
- You wouldn't drink pint after

- pint of orange squash, would you?
- What d'you want?!

Pint... of...

- Guinness.
- Guinness?!

Oh, brilliant! A fruity!

Oi, bruv.

Yes, "bruv"?

- Three lagers and a Guinness.
- Got any ID?

"Brett Clement".

You know this is
an Australian driving licence?

- So, you're Australian?
- That's right, mate.

So when's your birthday?

The 15th of bloody May, 1989.

Is he speaking in an Australian accent?

- Sounds like it.
- Right. What you want again?

- Three jars of lager and a Guinness.
- Are the other drinks for your mates?

You betcha... cobber.

I'm not serving them
unless they've got ID as well.

Where are our drinks?

Did you want drinks, too? You'd better
go and f*cking get them then.

This is tragic.
One pint between four of us?!

As Jay has clearly failed,
I will deal with this.

I've never been served in a pub before,

but how hard could it be?

Good evening.
Could I have three pints, please?

- Do you have any proof of age?
- You have my word.

- Any ID?
- Look,

my father's left my mother
and I've been forced

to go to a comprehensive school.
I've attached myself to a...

a fairly average group and I'm trying
to make a few new friends

to make life bearable.
You're human, you'll understand that.

Perhaps you can pull me
three non-alcoholic lagers

and we won't tell anyone about it.

I can't serve you at all
if you're underage.

You've driven me to this.

The law states 16-year-olds can legally
drink cider, perry or mead,

in a pub, if they're eating a meal.

So I'll have three pints of cider
and three carvery dinners, please.

It states if they are bought by an adult

and accompanied by an adult.
No adult, no alcohol, I'm afraid.

This isn't over.

Hello, sir. My name's William.

I'll pay for your drinks all night
if you'll order three pints of cider

and three carvery dinners and then
come and sit with my friends and me.

You don't have to talk to us,
you merely need to stay sitting with us.

Yeah, all right.

Terry, I'll have three ciders,
three carveries

and four double rum and cokes,
please, mate.

As many as four?

- Sorted.
- Who's that?

- This is, what's your name?

- Steve. He'll be joining us.
- Why?

- All right, Steve?
- Where are our drinks?

It's a long story that involves
Steve as well.

- Before we get our cider...
- Cider?!

Yes, cider.
We've got to go to the carvery.

Have you gone mental?!
What's Carli gonna think?

"Simon's pretty cool. He goes out
and has meat and gravy with his booze!"

We're not going to get served
unless we each get a carvery.

Nice work, briefcase.

For Christ's sake!

- You coming then, Neil?
- Get mine for me.

All right?

I just lost ten quid on a fruity.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Oh, sh*t, it's from Carli.

Brilliant. She asking
if your fit mate Jay's coming?

No, she's saying it's so packed
she can't see where we are.

- Is she a ret*rd?
- She's in the Black Horse.

- Where are we?
- Black Bull.

Right, so we're in the wrong pub.
Let's go.

Let's not be hasty.
We've got three carveries on the way.

How could you confuse
the Black Bull with the Black Horse?

Come on, I was half right!

- b*ner!
- b*ner!

- Good start
- b*ner!

b*ner!

- I'm going to find Carli.
- b*ner!

- Whose round?
- New boy's.

- Again?!
- Yep.

Simon!

Simon!

Where have you been? Come and sit down.

Don't be shy, squeeze up.

Oh, really?

Tom's just coming back with the drinks.

Cool.

- b*ner!
- b*ner!

Tom, this is Simon
I was telling you about.

You all right, mate?

Bit pissed. Been to the Black Bull first
just to sharpen up.

This is a new Simon.

You cried when your dad poured whisky
over the Christmas pudding.

At least I didn't make myself sick
in my plate when it had peas on it!

Thanks for bringing that up.

- Lee Sharp.
- Lee Sharp.

- It's definitely Lee Sharp!
- Lee Sharp!

Lee Sharp!

Oh, Roy Keane...

- Four pints, please.
- ID, please?

- You've got to be kidding me!
- Can't serve you without ID.

- Do you do food?
- Kitchen's closed.

- I'll just take the four pints then.
- I'll just see your ID then.

Look, I've spent all night
trying to buy one drink

so I can take part
in this poxy school tradition,

so I'd like four pints of lager, please!

ID, please!

- We should get going, Carl.
- Oh, yeah.

- You're going already?
- We've been here for two hours.

Sure.

Do you want a lift back, Simon?
Tom's got a car.

Of course, he has. Nah.

Come on, Carls. See you, mate.

- See you later, Simon. Bye.
- Bye. See ya.

- Lee Sharp! Lee Sharp!
- Lee Sharp!

- It's definitely Lee Sharp!
- Lee Sharp. Lee Sharp.

Oh, Giggsy...

- Four... pints... of lager!
- ID!

Look!

Just look around you.

Everyone in this bloody pub is underage!

He's underage!

She's underage!

He looks a bit older cos he's uglier,

but he's in the year below even me!

Look at that bumfluff! 16!

That bra's got padding in it! 16.

His mum still buys his trousers! 16!



At a push, 17!



And this one, Mark Donovan!

He looks old and he's meant to be hard,

but he's still only 16!

All these people you've served,

whatever bloody ID they've used,
are underage!

Right, we're closed! Everyone out!

You lot are all barred!

Out!

Nice to see you again, MacKenzie.

And congratulations
on doing my job for me.

I'll make sure you get
another badge for this!

- Sir...
- Now get out.

I want to have a pint.

Pint of lager, please, Ian.

I don't care how fit your mum is,
I wouldn't be seen dead with you!

- You coming, Si?
- Nah.

I said I'd look after supergrass here.

I'd better not leave him on his own,
just in case.

Why you staying with that bell end?

- I am here!
- Yeah, I wish you weren't.

See you later then.

What a first day. I'm such a twat...

Yes, you are.
That was pretty specialist back there.

"His mum still buys his trousers"
was a personal highlight.

Thanks. I made that up.

Who was that guy with Carli?

A friend, who didn't need ID.
And had a car.

- I'm sorry, mate.
- Nah, it's OK.

Please don't hit me.

I'm not going to hit you here,
but I will get you.

You won't know when it's coming,
but it is coming.

At some point in the next year,

I will get you.

Is that your mum?! She is fit!

- Thanks...
- Lovely to meet you, Mrs MacKenzie.

I will see you later, Will, yeah?

Nice to meet you. He seems nice.

He's the school psycho
who just threatened to k*ll me.

- I'm glad you're making friends.
- Do mums ever listen?

I'd had an eventful first day.

My quest for friends had led to me
alienating the entire school,

and the psychotic head of Sixth Form.

The really good news is

I'm now on the school nutter's
"To Stab" list,

if he doesn't shag my mum first.

Maybe I should've just stuck
with the freaks.

At least, things can only get better,
or just stay the same.

Or get worse.

Transcript: Evarin - Synchro: Tagne