01x03 - Thorpe Park

[bunniefuu]

Episode 3: Thorpe Park

So, I'm halfway through
my first term in a new school.

- Nice badge, dickhead.
- And it could've been worse.

- I will get you.
- I still have all my limbs. Just.

I've met loads of new people.

And best of all,
no-one's tried to f*ck my mum yet.

- She's fit.
- She is fit.

Don't have a wank over my mum.

And unlike my old school,
there were girls here.

And if there's one thing I now know
about girls,

and let's face it, there is only
one thing I now know about girls,

it's that boys who drive are more
attractive than those who don't.

- Careful...
- As he was the oldest,

our chances of getting a car
to impress the ladies

rested on Simon's shoulders.

Gently does it.

And his stupid,
uncoordinated size 10 feet.

Careful.

Little bit more...

I'm just not great at parallel parking.

Bollocks!

Shut up!

Si, it's me nan. She wants to know
if you want some help parking.

Steady on, boys.
It's not easy for Simon.

OK, let's try again.

Oh, sh*t!

OK. Off we go, Simon. Into first.

- Shouldn't you leave a note?
- No, we're driving off.

Quickly now. Drive!

Drive!

So it looked like
it might be quite some time

before we were picking up
girls in a car.

Jay,
I have just had the best lesson ever.

Jack Stephens dropped his ruler
next to Miss Timms

and when she bent over to pick it up,
I saw loads of leg on the way down

- and a bit of tit on the way up.
- You lucky git.

Oh yeah, and it's all locked away
up here in the visual wank bank.

I thought you'd passed
your written test?

I did. I've got the practical tomorrow.
I thought this might give me a few tips.

I don't think there is a section
on how not to be a whining little b*tch.

- Brilliant.
- If you pass,

- we could go on a road trip.
- Could do.

Maybe we could see what Carli's doing
and go somewhere with her?

A car is like
a mobile pulling machine.

Forget about Carli, forget
about all the girls at this school.

There's a whole world of p*ssy
out there.

He's right. Although he expressed it
like a terrible misogynist.

- Thank you.
- Why don't you come to Thorpe Park?

- There's always loads of birds there.
- Oh, my God, yes! Thorpe Park!

I can get you free tickets.

- How?
- I work there.

- Mopping up sick?
- Some sick.

How come you never mentioned
you work at Thorpe Park before?

I worked at ASDA
and you never asked about that.

- Your old man needs the money?
- He doesn't, actually.

But paying for rent boys
can't be cheap.

- My dad's not bent!
- Why's he paying for rent boys?

- He's not!
- What, they give him freebies?!

I think we should lay off Neil a bit.
Is it right, Neil, that Thorpe Park

has one of only two pulley-launched
coasters outside North America?

- I don't know.
- It is right.

- I don't know if my dad'll let me go.
- What's it got to do with your dad?

He's paying for my car. He might
not let me do long journeys yet.

Surely he'll want you
to get sucked off by a little lovely

- on the teacup ride?
- Are there really loads of girls there?

Sometimes on the rides,
their boobs pop out.

You only get a split second of tit,
cos they're going at about 70mph,

- but it's still good, though.
- This is perfect.

Simon passes his test,
drives us to Thorpe Park,

Neil gets us freebies,
and I get to ride...

- A man's c*ck in the bushes.
- The Nemesis Inferno.

- This is gonna be awesome.
- If I pass my test.

Roller coasters and t*ts,
this is gonna be brilliant.

If I pass my test!

Despite our excitement,

we knew it would take a miracle
for Simon to pass his test.

But miracles often come
in unlikely packages.

Hello, Simon.

I'm Tracy,
your examiner for today's test.

Don't look so nervous,
I'm not gonna eat you.

So, how are you feeling?
Ready to be... examined?

- I'm a bit nervous.
- It's perfectly natural, sweetheart.

We just need to loosen you up.

Ease into it.

Now, the first part of the test
is a doddle.

All you've got to do is sing out
the registration plate of that blue car.

OK. It's...

It's, um, E-O-S...

No, 5-1

C-U

Z

- sh*t, it's a V not a U, isn't it?
- Well, technically yes, but...

You get a pass on that one
for having such pretty eyes.

Right, to the Batmobile, Robin.

- Sorry?
- Off you pop to your car.

Nice.

Why don't you just let me
help you with that?

So, Simon, have you got a girlfriend?

- Is this part of the test?
- No,

but I will fail you if you say yes.

Right, just slip it into first
and pull out of the centre slowly.

sh*t! I stalled it.

False start. Just relax. Try again.

- Oh, you're shaking.
- I've failed, haven't I?

Shush, shush, silly.
No-one's gonna fail here.

Right, I'm not sure that's helping
with the nerves, actually.

Simon, if you don't want my help,
you've only to say.

But trust me,
I know how difficult this test can be.

Good boy.

You steer, and I'll do the pedals.

That's the tricky bit.

Simon never did tell us
what happened on his driving test.

I passed!

I passed! First time!

So you owe me that, you little sh*t.

- I didn't shake on it.
- A bet's a bet! Unlucky!

Well done, Simon. We knew you'd pass.

Your dad's just bringing round
your new car.

- God, Mum, this is brilliant!
- That is not fair.

- You're not allowed to touch it.
- Well, we're very proud of you.

It's a Fiat or something,
but he says it is second-hand.

God, Mum, that doesn't matter.
This is so cool!

That is the gayest car I've ever seen.

Oh, no...

Dad... Really?

Really?

It might not look much,
but it's a great little runner.

And you won't be able { o get up
enough speed in it }to k*ll yourself.

- I don't want it.
- Come on, it's a special edition.

A Hawaii.

I bet your mates at school
will think it's cool.

- I can't go to school in it!
- Well, if I was a girl,

I'd think whoever drove this
was pretty trendy.

Are you trying to wind me up?
Why are you saying these things?

Well, I think you should just be
a bit more grateful, to be honest.

- Christ, it's got a tape deck.
- See, that's good.

No, it's not!
You can't even buy tapes any more.

You're being melodramatic again.

Now, why don't you go and show Will?
I bet he'll be jealous.

He'll be really jealous
of how yellow it is.

And be careful, that's the most valuable
present you'll ever get.

- I f*cking hope not.
- I heard that!

The good news was that Simon had passed.

The not-so-good news was bright yellow
and parked in my driveway.

Well, I don't think it's too bad.
It's not great, though, is it?

No. But don't look
at the external realities,

- think of the immense possibilities.
- What?

Yes, it's a Cinquecento Hawaii,
but it's also freedom.

It's the possibility of driving
our own destiny.

We can be what we want now,

push our lives literally
in the direction we want them to...

- Is that a tape deck?
- Check out the Bendermobile!

It looks like a paedo's car!

He's just jealous cos his family
haven't discovered fire yet.

- You f*cking what, MacKenzie?
- Nothing, nothing.

- Oh, hello, Mrs MacKenzie.
- Hello, Mark. Is this your car?

No, it's Cooper's.

- Shame about the colour, Simon.
- Right...

Mum, we're just off to Thorpe Park
and we're running a bit late

- so we should probably go now.
- Thorpe Park?

- To ride roller coasters? Is it safe?
- Yes, it's incredibly safe.

Won't you be frightened? You cried
when you went on the ghost train.

I was five years old! Mum, please!

- I just worry about you, petal.
Actually, I should get you a jumper.

Go! Just drive before she gets back.

Simon's dad needn't have worried.

There was no danger of him getting up
enough speed to k*ll himself,

despite the fact Thorpe Park
would be shutting in a few hours.

- Where's your new car, Si?
- Round here.

f*ck me!

Do you get a free Barbie
when you buy one of these?

- Shotgun!
- After you.

I called shotgun.

What?

Shotgun, it means I get the front seat.

In what way could it possibly mean that?

- It just does.
- Look,

we drove over here with me
in the front seat.

We've come to pick you up,
we've picked you up.

Now in you get and I'll return
to my previous position.

It's not happening, freak.
I called shotgun.

- He's right, he did call it.
- What?

- You're backing him?
- Get in the back, Will.

All right, I'm getting in. Get off!
I'm hyperreflexic, my bones'll pop out.

So we had a car.

It was a sh*t car,
but it was still a car.

All we needed now was some girls.

Up ahead, a car full of muff!
Pull alongside 'em, Si.

I can't. I'm not turning left.

- It's against the Highway Code.
- Well, just beep 'em.

- Don't be such a p*ssy!
- No! Get off!

All right, all right.

- Hello, lovelies! Follow 'em.
- All right, I suppose.

- sh*t, I stalled it.
- Oh, you dickhead.

- They're getting away.
- Jesus,

you make it sound like
we're about to attack them.

- You lost the muff wagon.
- What were we gonna do anyway?

Follow them until they're forced
to drive to a police station?

They love it, you tool.
It's called flirting.

Yeah, a terrifying
and unsolicited form of flirting.

If you didn't drive like an old woman,
we might catch up with them.

I'm not gonna risk our necks
for some random girls.

Well, I'd give a left bollock for 'em.
So get a f*cking move on.

Actually, I think that's them up ahead.

We've caught up with them!
Do a left.

What are you doing? Pull out.

- There's a space, you can go now.
- No, it's not safe.

Are you winding me up? Look, go now!

Thorpe Park's gonna be closing soon, Si.

Look, f*ck off, all right!

I've just passed my test
and I'm not gonna crash

- cos you twats can't wait two minutes.
- Just f*cking go.

- There's a gap! Quickly!
- All right! For f*ck's sake!

- Oh, sh*t.
- Now look what you've made me do.

Oh, God!

Why are they going so f*cking slowly?

I mean, it's almost
as if they don't want to see

their dearly departed fly out
the back onto the A320.

Oh, God!

It wasn't a great start to our
first road trip

and knowing our luck, they'd be
burying him at Thorpe Park.

It's fair to say overtaking dead bodies
wasn't Simon's strong point.

By the time we finally got
to Thorpe Park,

we only had two hours
of valuable roller-coaster time left.

I can't believe you lost the muff,
you bell-end.

- They were giving us the come-on.
- By driving away as fast as possible.

They wanted us to chase 'em.

But it's hard to have a chase
when you don't go over 30.

It's 30 for a reason.

I think we should remember
today is about roller coasters.

And Simon's got us here safely.

I thought it was about me
passing my test.

Yes... As well.

But mainly it's about Nemesis Inferno.

No, today's about t*ts.

- And we are in luck. Get 'em.
- Right.

Park it!

- Quickly, you dickhead.
- f*ck off!

I'm not waiting any longer.

Oh, no.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Oh, dear.

Your dad's not gonna be pleased, is he?

God, look what you've done.
Christ, I've only had it a day.

You're in the sh*t!

- Where you going?
- My dad's gonna go mental.

- I've gotta get this fixed.
- But the roller coasters...

I don't care. I have to get this fixed.

But Simon, we've come so far.

Neil's sister's boyfriend is a mechanic.
He'll fix it.

- Is he?
- Well, there you go, then!

We'll go and find Neil,
his sister's boyfriend will fix it

and your dad will be none the wiser.
As we've travelled all this way,

- we might as well enjoy the rides.
- But my car...

Simon, look at me. Look at me!

I guarantee the Nemesis Inferno
will cheer you up.

Or think about them lovelies.

They're in there with their...
t*ts and that.

Come on, let's go and find Neil for you.

- Can't we just phone him?
- He's at work, Si.

He can't take personal calls.

We're gonna have to go in there
if we want to talk to him.

But what about my car door?
What if someone nicks it?

We'll take it with us. They'll
definitely have a place to store it.

Fine. For f*ck's sake.

We have baby-changing
and disabled access for limited rides.

Right...

Not really what I asked.

We don't have anywhere
to store car doors.

Turns out they don't have
anywhere to store car doors.

Knew it. Fine.
We'll take turns carrying it, then.

- I'm not carrying it.
- f*ck not carrying it.

- You're paying for it as well, mate.
- Me? Why?

- Cos you ripped it off.
- You reversed!

- But you're the one who ripped it off!
- Hey, let's not argue.

Let's just get in there, have some fun.

Face it, if you could park properly,
this wouldn't have happened.

Yeah? Well, I'm the only one
who can drive, so you can f*ck off.

I can drive. I took an army
driving course when I was 10.

You still wet
the bed when you were 10.

I wet your mum's bed. With my spunk.

Yeah, brilliant.

When we got into the park,

I realised it had been worth ruining
a dignified man's funeral for.

It was amazing.

We may have lost the... hm... t*ts,

but the roller coaster
was still in our sights.

We had to find Neil,

if only to stop Simon
bitching about his car.

- I'm not paying for it.
- Yes, you are.

- Good luck with that.
- Let's just find Neil.

What's that?

Are you all right, Mr Monkey?

- It hurts!
- Does he need help?

Help! Help!

Not up my nose! Not my nose!

- He's gone mental.
- Poor f*ck.

- A wasp! Wasp!
- Neil!

Wasp! In me costume!

Oh God, that hurts.

Stupid bloody wasps!

Neil, I need to speak to you
about your sister's boyfriend.

- Oh, Jesus, Neil!
- Christ, you're naked under there.

I don't think it's a good idea
to be naked if you're working with kids.

But Mr Monkey isn't naked.
He's got a waistcoat and a hat.

No, not Mr Monkey, Neil. You.

- But I'm in the suit.
- Yes, naked.

Look, I'm in agony here.
Put some of that cream on my stings.

- God, all right, then.
- The worst ones are on my back.

- And arse.
- f*ck that!

You lot can stay here
and finger Neil's arse if you wanna,

but I'm off to find the clunge.

Neil, seriously,
can you put it away, so we can talk?

- Put some clothes on.
- All right, all right.

Oh, not again.

- What?
- They're always doing.

They're bonkers.
They've nicked my clothes.

- Where would they have put 'em?
- I don't know.

Last time this happened, they burnt 'em.

Please hurry up. We can't go
on the roller coaster if you're naked.

Don't worry. I'll get something

With the stench from Neil's arse
still hot in my nostrils,

we headed for Nemesis.

Though technically dressed,

the clothes Neil had picked
{rom lost property}

made him look surprisingly
like a Brazilian male prost*tute.

I've just seen the clunge head
towards Nemesis.

Sounds like they're thrill-seekers too.

I hope they're c*ck-seekers too.

- Brilliant.
- See ya.

I seriously need
to speak to you about my car.

Your sister's boyfriend works
in a garage, doesn't he?

- Yeah{, he works in a garage}.
- Will he be working tonight?

- Probably, he works most evenings.
- Brilliant, perfect, that's sorted.

The park's about to close
so we'll go on Nemesis now

and we can deal with the car later.
But we'll go on the Nemesis now.

I suppose so.

Hello.

Yes, I got your text.

Yes, I'm safe.

No, I'm not crying.

So far, the only terrifying experience
I'd had all day

was seeing Neil's c*ck and ba*ls,

but now the Nemesis Inferno
was tantalisingly close.

This is your last chance
to queue for Nemesis Inferno.

The ride is now closing.

- sh*t, still an hour queue.
- That's nothing.

I once waited three hours for the
Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland Paris.

- You are mental.
- Mental.

- Why is enjoying things mental?
- This place is full of muff,

but you're only interested
in roller coasters.

Girls are everywhere, Jay.

The best rides in the country
are only here.

- You sound like you're 40.
- Well, I'm queuing.

And I'm getting in a separate queue
for the front four seats.

- The front's the best.
- The ride is now closing.

- Si, are you coming?
- Are you sure your sister's boyfriend

- will be working tonight, Neil?
- I told you he works evenings.

Well, that's sorted, then!
Now, can we please get on the ride?

- Shotgun the outside seats.
- No, you can't shotgun this.

Well, I just did.

Oh, yes!

You know this is one of the only
two versions of this roller coaster

outside of the US?

And I promise, athough
it's taken a little bit longer...

- Half a f*cking hour longer.
- To queue for the front,

it will be worth it.
Unencumbered thrills.

And we can come back all year
thanks to Neil.

- Come on, we're up.
- Room for one more at the front.

- Sorry?
- One more at the front.

How can there possibly be room
for only one more at the front?

There's three people on the front
so there's a spare seat there.

Let's just rewind a bit, shall we?

Why are there now 3 people
at the front?

- If you could just get on.
- They've pushed in.

We spent over an hour queuing
for the front and they've pushed in.

Get them off!

Get them off and make them move!
f*cking pushing in.

It doesn't matter.
We'll sit at the back.

Are they so dumb

they think it's OK to push in?
Make them move.

Shut up, you plum, and get on the ride.

Sir, it's the last ride of the day.
Please get on.

Will, honestly, it doesn't matter.
Just get on.

Fine. f*cking fine.
I'll just get on. I'll just get on

and sit at the front next to these
inconsiderate arseholes.

I'm the worst human being in the world.

When I look back on my life,

I'm pretty sure that ride
will be a low point.

But with a bit of luck, the others
wouldn't find out who I'd insulted.

They were on the front?

Oh, no, Will.

Oh, my God.

- Will...
- Oh, my God.

- Don't!
- "Arseholes"?

- This is the best!
- You're going to hell.

Please don't.

So I'd finally got to ride the Nemesis,

which wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped.

It would be a long journey home,

made longer by Simon carrying the door

and my heavy sense of shame.

Well, it can't be too hard to find.
It's the colour of my nan's piss.

- Why are you watching your nan piss?
- What am I gonna say to my parents?

- Will the door go back on?
- Stop sh1tting yourself.

Neil said his sister's boyfriend
will be able to fix it.

- No, he won't be able to fix that.
- What?

You said he'd be able to fix it
no problem and he worked in a garage.

He does, BP garage.
He mucks about with cars,

but he won't be able to fix that
in a million years.

The door's come off.

This is a disaster.
My dad's gonna go mad.

It'll be fine.
We'll find someone else to fix it.

I know a bloke who builds Formula One
cars. He owes me a favour.

I don't think your make-believe friend
will fix this.

We'll find a proper mechanic
on the way back. It can't be too hard.

As long as it's fixed good as new
and my parents don't know,

that's all I care about.

Oh look, here it is, car park D.

Oh, dear.

What the f*ck has happened?

- Holy sh*t! What's happened?
- At least they left the tape deck.

I don't believe this.
There's no explaining this to my dad.

I mean, who and why?

- Yes, that makes sense.
- f*ck, let's get 'em.

Jay, I'm not gonna chase after
and then fight the Happy Foundation bus.

How are we getting home, then?

It's true.

Girls do like cars.

They just don't like
shitty little yellow cars

that ruin funerals and don't have
all the doors they were made with.

Girls are also less keen
on boys who wear Speedos,

borderline sex pests

and people who insult the disabled.
Inconsiderate arseholes!

But it's not all bad.

What we learned today is
there isn't a car on the planet

that can make us cool,
whatever state it was in.

Dad... What you need to know
is it wasn't my fault.

Well, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault!