01x06 - Xmas Party

[bunniefuu]

The Inbetweeners 1x6
Xmas Party

It was the end of my first term,

and my personal report card read

"Making new friends, C-.
Must try harder."

Being one of the cool g*ng...

- D.
- Nice badge, dickhead.

Not losing my virginity...

- Will you put your pants on, please?
- A*.

But things were looking up.

I'd been elected chairman of the
school's Christmas prom committee.

All right,
I was the only candidate, but still.

I wanted to look the part,
which meant hiring my first ever suit,

and Simon's dad said
he knew just the place.

Are you sure this is
the best place to hire suits?

I've been coming here for years.

Old Mr Sethi knows me very well.

He'll do you a good deal
if you mention my name.

It looks a bit old-fashioned.

Neil, the stuff in here never
goes out of fashion. It's timeless.

I don't care,
cos I've already bought a suit.

Once, Sethi went mental,

cos I brought a suit back
covered in grass stains.

If you know what I mean.

Blimey, imagine that.
If you got to hire the exact same suit

I was wearing the first time
me and your...

All right, all right. We're going in.

- What do you think?
- Oh, yes. Very nice.

- It is a lovely fit.
- I'm not too sure about the lapels.

- Too jazzy?
- They are a little too jazzy, yes.

Is this the sort of suit
a chairman would wear?

But of course,
definitely for a chairman.

- Here we go.
- I'm the chairman of this committee

that's organising our school's
Christmas prom this year.

That's it. You've now officially told
everyone you've ever laid eyes on.

I just think it's important
that people know.

I'm the DJ.
That's far more important.

I said you might get to DJ.

- Very, very nice.
- I think it's kind of hideous.

Is it velvet?

- Too jazzy?
- Yeah.

Yeah, too jazzy.

And for you, my young friend?

- Shall I find you something also?
- I suppose so.

But I need something special, yeah?
Something's gonna make me stand out.

I'll get you something extra-special,

something just for you.

You said I could f*cking DJ.
Don't go back on your word.

Let him DJ.
He's part of my plan to seduce Carli.

What's he gonna do? Hold her down?

I get breathless
every time I think of her,

and when I see her,
my heart does little flips.

- Are you bent?
- Shut up!

It's just that, right then,
you sounded really bent.

- Won't her boyfriend be there?
- Who?

Her boyfriend.

- The massive rugby player.
- Oh, him.

Yeah, no.
I don't think they're going out.

Or if they are, then they aren't really.

I don't know, she never says
that they definitely are,

- so maybe they aren't.
- Yes.

That's the most positive
possible way of looking at it.

Here we are. Just for you. Perfect.

Too jazzy?

With the prom a few days away,
I was stressed.

But I wasn't the only one
with things on my mind.

I think I'm ready for relationship.

You mean you think
you're w*nk*ng too much?

- Talking of which...
- Miss Timms...

She's so fit.

It should be ill*gal
for her to teach biology.

I almost knocked one out there and then
when we did the reproduction system.

As something of an outsider,
I'd say that actually,

she isn't very fit at all.

She's just the only adult female
in the school under 30.

- She is so fit.
- No, she isn't.

I mean, she's fine, but she's no...

She'd definitely get it.

If we could all just concentrate
above the waist for a second,

I need you all at a planning meeting
this lunch.

I've got some brilliant jobs lined up.

- Like what?
- Well...

Giving out the vouchers
that can be exchanged for alcohol.

sh*t!

If we control the beer vouchers,
we get the pick of the birds.

The drunk birds.

That sounded just a little bit rapey.

Say what you like, Professor Words.

Thanks to you,
we're gonna be drowning in babes.

I just want the night to be a success.

I've no interest in babes.

That's handy,
cos they've got no interest in you.

Sorry. Who here has pulled
Charlotte Hinchcliffe?

Who? Huh?

Me. That's who.

- She only did it for a bet.
- That's not true.

- Let's not get into all that again.
- It is true.

It's not f*cking true. People
don't get fingered for a bet, Jay.

With the possible exception
of your sister.

- Take that back.
- Actually, I do take it back.

But your mum,{ on the other hand,}

she'd probably get fingered
for a packet of biscuits.

- Silence!
- Oh, no!

Obviously no-one cool
wanted to help organise the prom,

so when it came to
recruiting a crack team,

I wasn't exactly spoiled for choice.

But while there may be no "I" in team,
luckily there was a "me".

And if I was to stop these
morons from screwing up my big night,

every fine detail had to be planned.

Right. Welcome.

As you all know,
this is the first ever Christmas prom.

Two things are gonna make
this event successful:

teamwork and exceptional leadership.

The first thing we need to discuss
is the agenda and how that...

- Yes, John?
- Are we gonna have food?

Yep. Yep, we will.

If you look at the agenda,
that's item four, so we'll get to that.

I think we should have food.

And I was wondering what type
everyone thought we should have.

As I say, that is on the agenda,
so we'll get to that.

Lasagne's nice, and so are burgers.

You don't need a plate for burgers,
which gives them an edge on lasagne.

Yes, John, please. We'll get to that.

But you can eat burgers off a plate,
too.

Listen, lard-arse.

There will be food so shut the f*ck up
so we can get this over with!

- I just wanted you all...
- Shut up!

Right. Right.

Item one. Venue.

We're having it in the school hall,
obviously.

Item two, band.

- We don't need a band. I'm DJing.
- After half ten.

I should be DJing the whole thing!

- They're booked now.
- You're sh*t at this.

I'd be much better.
I've organised hundreds of parties.

This is the first ever Christmas prom,
not a chimps' tea party.

What we want is a good,
structured evening.

What we want is a big mucky disco
and a piss-up.

- Hang on.
- When have you organised parties?

- All the time.
- I've known you for ten years

and I have never seen
you organise a party.

Bollocks. What about
my birthday party last year?

- Your mum organised that.
- Yeah, under my supervision.

- And that was a wicked party.
- I fingered a bird.

See? And also,
I organise the Caravan Club parties.

Remember,
we have been to a Caravan Club party.

- And it was sh*t.
- I fingered a bird.

- There you go!
- Look, Jay, now's not the time.

- Item three.
- Seriously, Will, why are we here?

You've clearly decided it all already.

No, I haven't. There's still loads
I need your help with.

- Like what?
- Like who cleans up the next day.

- What item's that?
- 28.

For Christ's sake, just get on with it.

- Item four, food.
- Good.

She did it as a bet.
One more time, that's not true.

Say what you like, I know it was a bet.

- Ask her.
- I will.

There she is over there.
Go ask her now.

I'm not gonna ask her now.
I'll ask her later.

- Or tomorrow at the prom.
- Right, course!

Right. Here goes. Phase one.

Carli!

- Hi, Simon.
- All right, sick-boy b*ner?

Listen, this dance,
you are going, aren't you?

Great. Great.

- Maybe we could go together?
- I could do with a lift, yeah, thanks.

Right, a lift. Yeah.

Tom's car's broken,
so that would be perfect.

Great. Got to get here early
to help Will set up,

- so I'll pick you up about four.
- Four?

You want me to go to a prom
that starts at eight at four o'clock?

- That's the time I'll be getting there.
- There'll be loads to do.

So, what?
I could turn up in my evening dress

four hours early
and help you blow up balloons?

You could help scrub the floors.

It might be fun. You know, all together.

- Are you mentally ill?
- Good one.

Tell you what, I'll see you there.
In the evening.

Great. Great. I'll see you there, then.

You know, since he's met you,

- he's become much more of a d*ck.
- Really?

He does seem to think more and,
like, express himself.

- Isn't that a good thing?
- - Does it look like a good thing?

- I'm charging you for the chips.
- I never had chips!

Right, then.

So tomorrow is your Christmas party,

or prom, if you will insist on speaking
like our transatlantic cousins.

Myself and Miss Timms will attend

to make sure you enjoy yourselves
sensibly.

Now, obviously we want you to have fun,

but in order
to make it enjoyable for everyone,

we have a few rules.

One, everyone will get
two alcoholic drink tokens and no more.

Frankly, the last thing I want
is to be cleaning up your dreadful sick,

or even worse, you putting your arms
around me and telling me that

I'm, "All right for a teacher",
and that you love me.

Two, this is a school dance
and not the last days of Rome.

What I mean by this is no heavy petting.

And I will be the judge
of what constitutes heavy.

- Pervert.
- I heard that.

And if I see anything
that I consider too much,

you will be sent home.

Is that clear? Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

Good. Have a nice evening.

I'll leave you in the hands of the
chairman of the organising committee,

God help you, William MacKenzie.

- Thanks, Phil. Now...
- Sorry?

Thanks for that, Phil.

Phil?!

It's just cos the dance is outside
of school time so I assumed...

You assumed wrong, Will.
Very wrong.

Sorry.

- Right, then...
- Say my name properly.

Mr Gilbert.

Say thank you.

- Thank you.
- Say, "Thank you, Mr Gilbert".

Thank you, Mr Gilbert.

Better.

Just a few things to make sure
it runs smoothly,

- I've got the schedules here...
- I've not forgotten about you.

I'll be watching you tomorrow.

And if I see you
anywhere near Charlotte,

I'll rip your f*cking throat out.

Have a nice time.

That's good.

Brilliant! It wasn't just my
reputation on the line at the prom,

now it was my life.

It was the moment of truth.
Prom night had arrived,

and as I watched my crack team
setting things up,

it's fair to say I was sh1tting myself.

David, don't lean on that,
it'll come down!

Who's written the toilet signs?

- Where are the toilet signs?!
- We're in the school.

Everyone knows where the toilets are.
They piss in them every day.

Not everyone will know.
We're meant to have signs. Pen! Pen!

It's f*cking run out.

How can this be happening?
Tonight is a f*cking disaster.

It's fine. It's all fine. It looks good.

Look, people are gonna judge tonight,
and therefore me,

as either a huge success
or a massive failure.

You've got balloons,
you're already one up on any event

the school's ever had before.
Just relax.

It's very hard
to relax knowing that Donovan

might very well kick the sh*t
out of me at some point.

Right. That makes much more sense.

How come you're so calm?
I thought you'd be sh1tting yourself

- about your plan to get Carli.
- I'm fine.

Jay's got his end sorted
and I know exactly what to say.

Right.
Are you sure you should trust Jay

with what could be
the tenderest moment of your life?

Yeah, yeah, he'll be fine.
It's a good plan.

And can it be worse
than puking on her brother's head?

Maybe. You haven't told me
what it is yet.

What the f*ck are you wearing?

Oh, my God!
And I thought our suits were sh*t.

Your c*ck, it looks so tiny.

- It's like an acorn!
- Have you gone mental?

This is cool.
Look, I saw it in Nuts.

Girls will fancy me because I stand out.

You'll stand out because
your c*ck is minuscule.

- Will you stop looking at my c*ck?
- Mate, I think that's brave.

- Really brave.
- It's so sh*t.

Actually, maybe I'd better go
stick a couple of socks down there.

- Any jobs for me?
- Wash your hands afterwards.

Gotcha.

Will, where's the toilets?

For f*ck's sake!

Despite being organised
by my team of geeks,

it actually looked like people
were enjoying the party.

Mind you, I couldn't afford to relax.

John! John!

Stop eating the burgers!

- He's stressed.
- Yeah.

And to be honest,
I think it's a pretty good party.

And it just got even better.

Here's Miss Timms.

She actually looks quite fit.

Very fit.

Very fit indeed.

I'm on soon, are you ready, Si?
Have you found Carli yet?

- Not yet, but she'll be here soon.
- Another drink?

Better not. I don't want a repeat
of what happened last time.

- You OK with the plan?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm on it.

You've got the timings and everything?

- To the second.
- Please don't f*ck it up.

I won't f*ck it up!
Go on, go and find her.

Right. Here goes.

As Neil was about to discover,

the problem with
drinking for Dutch courage

is the next level of drunk
up from that is Dutch dickhead.

So far, so good.

The band rocked,

people largely found
the toilets without a sign,

and best of all,
my throat remained un-ripped out.

Now all I had to worry
about was Jay's Djing.

This isn't on the approved playlist!
No-one likes this one, Jay.

That's it, it's a disaster.

Hello, stranger.

Hello.

Is Mark not around?

Why? Were you gonna ask him to dance?

No. No, I wasn't.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I{ just} don't know whether
this is any good.{ I mean,}

- what makes a cool party?
- You and your bloody party, Will.

- It's great, just enjoy yourself.
- You're just being nice.

Why would I want to be nice to you, eh?

Trust me, I've been to loads of sh*t
parties and this really isn't one.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You've done well. For a geek.

Come on, we're going for a dance.

I don't really dance, to be honest.

And I've... I've got stuff to sort out.

Fine. But you owe me a dance later.
Agreed?

Agreed.

Charlotte?

Yeah?

- You know us?
- Yeah.

I wasn't a bet, was I?

Just enjoy your party,
we'll have a dance later. OK?

Give us a burger.

- You could say please.
- Just give me one.

I've got to be back up there
in 3 minutes.

Not until you say please.
Manners cost nothing.

For f*ck's sake.
Can I have a burger, please?

Of course you can.

- Would you like ketchup on that?
- Yeah, go on, then. Please.

- Your DJing seems to be going well.
- Yeah, it's all right.

- Made a few c*ck-ups.
- No-one's noticed.

It's weird, but...
I feel better when I'm doing it.

- Kind of not so tense.
- My counsellor used to say that

frustration often comes
from wanting to be noticed.

Yeah, that's it.

- It's probably why I exaggerate a bit.
- To feel special?

It's like sometimes I feel like
the kids here don't pay attention to me.

Like I'm so dumb, I don't matter.

I guess making a few things up
at least makes them notice.

Do you fancy a beer?
I've still got my two tokens.

I don't mind sharing.

Yeah, cheers.

I understand how you feel, you know.
Back in a MO.

- You're DJing, aren't you?
- Yeah.

I used to DJ at a top nightclub
in Ibiza.

I could probably get you a regular spot.
You look like you're really into it.

It's all about being sensitive.

I find it hard to trust,
but when it's just me and the music,

I'm sorted.

- Are you bent?
- What?

Just right then,
you sounded really, really bent.

I heard. Do you want
to come up to the decks with me?

- All right.
- Got them!

You didn't say please.
What about opening up and trusting?

f*ck off, you fat w*nk*r.

Carli?

Carli.

Simon.

- You got here all right, then?
- Looks like it.

- Where's Tom?
- That d*ck!

He's out with his rugby mates.

I left them {just }as
they were gonna start drinking beer

- out of each other's bum cracks.
- Right. That's a bit weird, isn't it?

- I don't care, I'm not interested.
- Right. Great.

So did you want anything in particular?

Yeah, I did want something.

Why has the music stopped?

I stopped it. Because...

I need to say that...

I just wanted to say to you...

Are you going to ask me
to finger myself again?

God, no. No.

I just need to say that...

Simon, I've had enough
of dickheads today. What is it?

Why are you being so weird?

- No. No, it's nothing.
- Nothing.

I was gonna say something,
but it's gone now.

- What were you gonna say?
- I was gonna say that...

- What the f*ck is Neil doing?
- Come here!

Oh, go on!

- Neil, what are you doing?
- I love you. Please.

- b*ner!
- b*ner!

Oh, God!

Every year. Every year,
someone has a pop, don't they?

Come on, Sutherland.
Let's get you a glass of water.

What's the problem? I wanted you
to come here with me tonight.

You decide to go out
with your friends instead.

What's wrong with that?

What do you mean?{, what's wrong with that? }
I had to come here on my own.

I f*cking warned you
about talking to Charlotte.

- You are taking the piss!
- I didn't, I wasn't!

She came over to me!
Mr Gilbert! Mr Gilbert!

Put him down!

- Or what?
- Yeah, leave him alone.

- He ain't even done nothing.
- Don't be a dickhead, Donovan.

Yeah, f*ck off, Donovan.

Leave the speccy short-arse alone.
He's organised a good party.

Yeah, Briefcase is all right, Donovan.
Don't be a tit.

Charlotte!

Thanks. That was really kind.

And really great.
I sort of knew that I'd have to say

a few words of thanks
at some point tonight.

So I've prepared a little speech...

Again.

Of course.

Well done, children.

A fairly innocuous jamboree
of adolescent nonsense.

Fear not, the relationships that
some of you have entered into tonight,

they may seem like everything now,

but they'll be over
in a matter of weeks.

Now, if we can just make it
home without tagging people's property.

I may go to bed relatively hate-free.

You two! Do you want me
to fetch up my dinner? Go home!

I'm allowed to enjoy this, aren't I?

Yeah. Well done, mate. Top night.

Tonight, I win.

Party was good,
Charlotte probably not a bet,

and best of all,
Donovan didn't beat me up.

That last one you can only enjoy
over the holiday.

He'll k*ll you next term.

- Did you really enjoy it, though?
- Yeah, I had a laugh.

Why did you think I hadn't?

You know.
It didn't exactly go to plan with Carli.

I was standing there,
ready to say all this stuff to her,

and it just wouldn't come out.

And then I thought,

am I really that bothered?

And then Neil tried to f*ck the teacher.

Leave me alone.

Honestly, she looked like
she was gonna slap you.

But I think your erection
scared her off.

- What were you thinking?
- I dunno. I think it was the suit.

- It was definitely too jazzy.
- I thought Miss Timms would like it.

Even though she's 30,
is going out with Gilbert

and would go to prison for snogging you?

Gilbert was OK about it, actually.

Are you looking forward
to biology next term?

- Not really.
- Should be interesting.

Guess who just got
a blowy behind the decks?

- Not you, obviously.
- Guess again.

Jay, you're my mate.

But please, for once, just don't lie.

- What happened?
- Blowy.

I said, "Please don't lie."

All right, all right.
She gave me a hand job, not a blowy.

- I knew it was bollocks.
- What?

I just got a hand job
on the school stage.

- That's better than any of you.
- Bollocks.

It's already come down from a blow job.

You'll be telling us
it was outside the trousers next.

- It was!
- That doesn't count!

That's not even a hand job, then!

What has just happened there, my friend,

- is you've spunked yourself.
- That counts.

Doesn't count.

I haven't cleaned my c*ck yet, so...

Does this count?