02x03 - Will's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

The Inbetweeners 2x03
"Will's Birthday"

To the untrained eye, it may
look like another day at school.

Actually,
it was a very special week.

Or, in Neil's case,
a very special needs week.

Bollocks, not possible.

You OK, Neil?
What are you playing?

Oh, behave. That's well too hard.

Brain Training?

Stupid thing. Why's that wrong?

- What is your brain age is Neil?
- I got it up to 12 a minute ago.



Are you trisomic or something?

Has it asked if Santa is real?

Don't listen to them Neil.
He does exist.

Yeah, and he's just sorted out
our Saturday night

with the gift of gash.

Sexy soiree? That sounds sexy.

f*cking hell, is that Louise Graham?
She doesn't normally look like that.

Oh, she'd definitely get it.
Right in the bumhole.

Lucky girl.

This is amazing,
we have been invited to a cool party.

Kind of.

I nicked this out of
Sadie Cunningham's bag in registration.

- We should try and go.
- Oh, so it's another cool party

we're specifically not invited?

Good job.

Isn't there something else
on Saturday anyway?

No.

My birthday.

A dinner party.

I sent you the invites a month ago.

Is that real?
I thought it was a joke.

It's a joke that we've got to go to
a dinner party rather than a sex party.

Two things:

One, it won't be a sex party,

it's Louise Graham we're talking about.
Two...

Even if it is,
you were invited to my party first.

Just cancel yours,
you can have your birthday any weekend.

Thanks.

Simon, you don't want to go
to Louise Graham's, do you?

Me? No, God no. No.

- Not unless the cancel of yours?
- I'm not.

Sure.

Sure.

Except my French exchange bloke
arrives today

- and I'll have to look after him.
- Bring him along.

It'll be nice to have
some sophistication at the party.

I don't know if he's sophisticated.
Mum's friends asked if we'd have him.

- He might be a massive twat.
- He's the French version of you!

Don't forget you have to bring a girl.
I'd like it to be a proper dinner party.

- Can I ask your mum?
- No.

So, after school,
we went to say bonjour to Patrice.

How is France, Patrice?

Cool.

And are French birds dirty?

- Quoi?
- He doesn't get any, he's all greasy.

Birds don't go for that,
French or not.

Pardon?

I thought you said that.

- You'll be OK here.
- What did he say?

- Do you not speak any French?
- No.

That's why my mum was keen
for him to come over to teach me a bit.

- I've picked up "clope" so far.
- What?

Cigarette. He smokes like a chimney.

Simon. You have porn?

Oh, for f*ck's sake,
I keep saying... No I don't.

Internet?
No.

You can't see porn on internet?

That's not the internet, Si.

Are you trying to get porn
on the washing machine?

My parents have put a filter.
I can't see any.

That's f*cking tragic.
What are you, 11?

All right.

See you later.

He seems a bit weird. He asked
if I'd tried the "sleeping beauty".

- Oh, it's good that.
- You know it?

Yeah.

You sit on your arm
till your hand goes dead.

Ten or fifteen minutes.

And then,
It's like someone else wank you.

How do you know these things?

Everyone knows the "sleeping beauty",
that's old.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

My mate's brother invented it.

He and his mates used to be called
the Dead Hand g*ng.

They had a g*ng
based on masturbation?

Nothing g*y about that.

Yeah, well he's in the air force,
now so how g*y is that?

Still quite g*y.

So, my dinner party guest list
was shaping up nicely.

Four idiots and a r*cist Frenchman.

It's going to be tricky to get girls
to come to your party.

Because you forgot
and it's short notice?

No, cos Louise Graham's quite popular.
Most people will be at hers.

Please, say you'll at least
try to bring girls.

This birthday can't be
as bad as last year's.

- What, because you got a briefcase?
- No.

- Because my father left my mother.
- I'll see what Carli's up to.

Not being seen dead with you
in a million years is what!

I'm sorry, Russell Brand,
who are you bringing again?

Don't worry about me. I'm up to
my neck in sluts at the moment.

Maybe I'll bring my new f*ck buddy.

- That barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.
- You've pulled a barmaid? Nice.

Has she got
special dietary requirements?

I've never cooked
for an imaginary woman before.

I know she's not allergic to nuts.

- My nuts.
- Brilliant.

- Or my c*ck.
- She eats small portions?

I didn't hear your mum complaining
although her mouth was full.

Good one!

Just drop us off here.

- Don't you want a lift to school?
- Yeah, this is close enough.

We don't want to be seen
in this sh*t heap.

No offence.

See you later.

Actually I might get out too.

Fine, see you at school.

- You want to get in the front?
- No.

Great...

They say the quickest way
to a man's heart is through his stomach.

I was hoping it would be a way
into my female guests knickers.

What about a chicken casserole?

Why are you even asking?

With me, we'd all have Big Macs.

Did you not see Super Size Me?

Yeah.
It just made me really want a Big Mac.

sh*t, Charlotte's online.

- You asked her along yet?
- No. I should?

Go on, it'll be great.
Message her now.

- Really, do you think so?
- Yeah, it's cool, just say "Hi".

All right.

Done.

- She's come straight back.
- She says, "Hi, whassup".

Smiley face.

- Ask her out.
- No, can't just jump in,

not the way things have been with us.
Have to charm her a bit first.

I've written "Just hanging out
with Si and his French exchange".

You're handsome?

Oh, no. She means Patrice.
Thank god.

I'm a div.

Another smiley face.

Can't bring myself to send
a smiley back,

- But I could write "lol" if I had to.
- Do that.

It's going well, mate, ask her out.

- It's going well, no?
- Definitely.

"My birthday.
You come?"

- That pause isn't good.
- Calm down, it's only been a second.

She was straight back
every time before.

Holy sh*t.

She's gone offline rather than answer
or not if she'll come to my birthday.

- The connection dropped?
- No it was back and forward,

back and forward. Then a question
about dinner and she's gone.

Brilliant, thanks a bunch!

- Look, she didn't say "No", did she?
- No. But she did hang up.

I'm sure she'll be there.

Well, not sure, but you know.

Hello, Simon.

Bonjour.

My Goodness, French.

This is Patrice,
he's my sort of French exchange,

Patrice this is Will's mum.

Hello.

Well, I'm just going to play tennis.

Why I said that?

Bye then.

- Au revoir, Patrice.
- Au revoir.

- Your mother is very sexy.
- Sorry?

She has the sex.

He's a strange one isn't he?

Yep, but he's French,
they're all weird aren't they?

- Oh, god, please don't be r*cist.
- That's not r*cist,

I'm just saying that he barely says
anything and when he does speak

it's always about sex.

Just like all French people.

The next day was my birthday.

Mum was serving me
up her speciality,

[i]scrambled eggs and disappointment.

- Happy birthday, petal.
- Thanks, Mum.

Here's your present.

It's nothing big because I'm saving up
for something special next year,

when you can drive.

Next year? I can drive this year.

- I thought you had to be 18 to drive?
- No, it's 17.

Right.

Sorry, your father used to deal
with things like that.

Thanks, mum. Calvin Klein.

It is...

It's a tight vest top.

- Don't you like the colour?
- Is this the only present you got me?

A problem?

When have you see me
wear something like that?

You'll look cool.
All the boy bands wear them.

- I'm not in a boy band.
- Fine. Fine. I've got a receipt.

You can exchange it. I'm sorry.

I've ruined your big day.

I got it wrong about the driving
and about this.

No, mum, sorry.

I suppose it's not too bad.

- You don't want me to exchange it?
- No,

I'll wear it.

Tonight?

Not tonight.

- You hate it. I'll change it.
- No, fine.

I'll wear it tonight.

Patrice spends an awfully long time
in the shower doesn't he?

Yeah, about him.

As it's Will's birthday tonight,
could you look after Patrice?

No, you're meant
to be learning from him.

Anyway we're going out.

- Can't you take him with you?
- It's a special night out for us.

We don't really need
a 17 year old French boy tagging along.

Things haven't got that bad
in the bedroom yet!

Jesus Christ.

- He'll have more fun with you.
- He doesn't.

He just sits around
rolling cigarettes and shrugging.

Must be useful having a handsome
Frenchman in tow to meet the ladies?

He's not handsome.

Patrice is handsome.

I'd better watch it! Looks like
your mother is lining up a toy boy!

Oh, god.

Chance would be a fine thing.

- Not you too.
- Remember gorgeous,

what I lack in energy
I make up for in experience.

God, you two are disgusting.

Come on, you used to look
at far worse on internet.

[i]Elsewhere on the internet,

[i]the dead hand g*ng
was enrolling its latest recruit.

Jay, Neil's here for you.

What?

He's early.
Don't come in, I'm getting changed.

- Are you OK?
- It's just a film.

It's just a normal film.
I'm getting changed. Get out.

What film's that, then?

Oh, right.

[i]Whilst I was making
my final preparations,

[i]including putting on
sh*t music girls would like,

[i]Patrice had been busy too.

I just had a really nice...
Tug, thinking about your mother.

- I think some went on the floor. Sorry.
- Great, thanks, Patrice.

- I'll get it. It could be Charlotte.
- Well, it's not going to be Charlotte.

Cheer up, it might be. She's got
the details, you said so yourself.

All right, gays.

[i]Happy birthday to me.

[i]It was 8.30pm on my 17th birthday,

[i]and my party was in full swing.

- Where's your plus one then, Jay?
- Not coming.

She got a modelling job,
had to fly to Paris.

Barmaid by day, supermodel by night.
Sounds likely.

Where's
Little Miss Stuck-up c*ck-tease?

- Do you mean Carli?
- Yep.

Yeah,
I don't think Carli will make it.

- Why not? Is something up?
- No, it's nothing like that.

I just...

- Sort of didn't invite her in the end.
- You really are

a bollockless little twat, yeah?

So there will be no women here then?

None at all?

I don't know why I bother.

Well, I wouldn't say
there will be no women...

Yeah, not no women!

So a women is coming?

- Maybe, maybe not.
- Look,

it's very clear from your funny faces
and tone of voice that actually,

- there are some women coming.
- We got you a special birthday treat.

- Did you?
- Stripper!

What?

- Have you really booked a stripper?
- Yeah!

- She was only 150 quid!
- How did you pay for that?

We'll have a whip-round
when she gets here.

A whip-round?

Round who? The five of us?
We don't have 30 quid each!

No, if we all put in... Wait...

- sh*t, yeah.
- Brilliant. So just to confirm,

until an angry stripper turns up,
we are without any female company?

Thanks guys,
this is a great birthday.

If you're gonna cry about it,
I'll get some local snatch in.

- And them birds we saw outside?
- Yeah, they were nice.

Yes, please, drag some random girls
off the street for me!

Or we could go
to Louise Graham's party?

Yeah, why aren't we there? It's got
to be better than this sh*thole.

Thanks very much. More wine?

I bet it's crawling with clunge.

- And I bet it's not!
- Yeah, and you'd know?

I've put lots of effort into this.

- Made a really nice coq au vin...
- c*ck of what?

You don't help yourself!

Yes, I see.

"Coq au vin", very mature.

It means chicken in wine,
right Patrice?

- Quoi?
- Well, it does.

And it doesn't mean
c*ck up my arse, or...

c*ck on my head, or...

You go c*ck in the back of a van?

Or that I got a c*ck
in the back of a van.

Look, all I wanted was
a civilised and sophisticated birthday.

Just, something a bit different
from the usual parties,

maybe even the sort of party
that girls are impressed by.

OK, so there aren't any girls here,

but why don't we at least attempt
to have a sophisticated conversation?

I know it's a tall order,
and I'm not expecting sparkling,

but give it a go?!
As it is my f*cking birthday!

- How much Lego can you put in your bum?
- For Christ's sake!

Not now, just when you was younger.
How much?

You are grim.

Why were you sticking
Lego up your bum?

Not a lot, just like...

a rectangular one and a long one.
Couple of singles, maybe.

Fine, fine, let's see if those girls
outside want to come join us then.

Yes!

Are you sure?
I thought you wanted this to be special?

Why fight it?
Charlotte's not coming, is she?

And a skilful raconteur like Neil
is wasted on just us.

Nice one.
Now I get a proper three-course meal,

blowie, shag and a**l.

[i]So we headed into the night,

[i]and found Jay's three courses
sitting on a fence.

- Allo, allo. Here they are.
- Nice.

They look a bit rough.
Are they drinking in the street?

Dirty.

Not the sophisticates I had in mind,
but at least they're female.

- You going over then, Jay?
- Nah, Si should.

- What? Why me?
- Alphabetical.

You got that bent look girls go for.

Fine, if you're going to be rude,
you go then.

- Sorry for being rude!
- Just go, Si, it's freezing out here.

Come on, Si, for me, yeah?
For my birthday?

God, all right then.

- Hi, there.
- What did you f*cking say?

- Hello.
- And what?

I wanted to ask you to a party?

I'm 13.

Oh, right.

- And she's 11, you nonce.
- Yep.

- There's been a mistake, so...
- Like looking at little girls, do ya?

Like getting them to parties
where you can touch them, do ya?

No, God, no. Look, I'm going now.

Paedo!

- You f*cking paedo!
- Yeah, run, you paedo.

- f*cking hell, don't do that, Patrice.
- Paedo

- I'll get my brother on you.
- That's it, run away, paedo boy.

Keep going, paedo!

Keep walking, you f*cking paedo!

- Nice one, Si.
- Me? It was Patrice who wound them up.

- You tried to nonce them up.
- I'm not in the mood, just warning you.

"Ooh, watch out, Uncle Simon
might give me a special cuddle."

f*ck.

- What's for pudding, Will?
- A middle-aged woman demanding 150£.

sh*t. What are we going to do?

- I think we should go...
- Yes, fine, I give up.

- Let's try to get in to Louise's party.
- What about your dinner party?

Forget it.
You can lead a horse to water

but can't stop it
sticking Lego up its bum.

For Christ's sake,
Patrice, don't do that!

God, Si, he's a nightmare!

We can't have him scare all the muff
away at the party. Let's ditch him.

I suppose to be looking after him,
I can't leave him stranded here.

- He comes from a strange country.
- Si, for once, Jay is right.

Patrice is weird and boring.

Do you really think girls will be
impressed when we turn up with that?

- Probably not.
- His back is turned, let's just leg it.

Now or never.

OK, f*ck it, come on then.

[i]So we ran away. Yep, ran away.

[i]Something I hadn't done since
John Cook discovered wedgies in Year 8.

- I've got a stitch.
- Right, that should be enough.

He's behind us!

- No way!
- Run!

He's chasing us!

f*cking hell,
he doesn't give up easily, does he?

What does he think?

- I think he's caught us up.
- Yeah, good spot, Neil.

Simon, why we run?

Yeah, dunno.

- You don't know?
- Yeah.

- So we stop?
- Yeah, probably. Good idea.

So, we go to the party?

[i]So after trying and failing
to outrun a boy in Cuban heels,

[i]we headed for Louise Graham's party,
which we definitely wouldn't get into.

- Who's gonna ask if we can come in?
- Will?

- I don't even know her!
- I stuck candies in her hair in Year 8.

Great. Anyone else f*cked her off?

Out the way you Kwik sh*t Shitters,
I'll sort this.

Yeah?

Hello, Louise.
We've never been introduced. I'm Will.

You can't come in,
there's too many already.

Look, we'll be no trouble, I promise.
I mean, look at us.

- One of you can come in.
- One, five, there's no difference,

- perhaps we could negotiate...
- Him.

He can come in.

Right, well the thing is,

Simon will have to come in, too,
he's supposed to be looking after...

Great.

So we can add Patrice to the growing
list of people more popular than us.

f*cking John's in there!
And he's with a girl!

- He's got his hand on her tit!
- This is too tragic.

- And Charlotte Big Jugs is in there.
- Where?

Right. Time for Plan B.

Right, there's a Plan B, is there?

Plan A was so brilliantly devised
I haven't thought we'd need a Plan B!

What is it? Climb over her fence?

- It's a bit higher than I imagined.
- Don't sh*t yourself.

- It's only a fence, it won't bite.
- Yes, I'm not worried about it biting.

I'm worried about breaking my neck.

Come on, it'll be a laugh,
climbing and that.

Will it?
There must be another way.

It's full of clunge.
Give us a push, Neil.

I'm just not made for climbing.

Maybe one of these panels is loose.
There's a gap here!

Come on, Will. Hurry up!

Please, no!

- Why's he always different?
- Hurry up,

you twat, everyone's looking.

What's going on?

Hi, Louise. As I was saying, it's quite
important we look after Patrice.

Have you crawled in my dog's sh*t?

Yes, I have. But ask yourself why?

That you've excluded us
from this party

because of some vague rules
about popularity is ridiculous.

Although it looks like we climbed a
fence and crawled through dog sh*t,

what we've done is challenged
your social apartheid.

You weren't invited
cos I don't know you well.

That makes sense too.

God, if you're that desperate
then you can stay.

But take that jacket off
before you go in.

- Sweet, nice one!
- She's right about the jacket though,

it stinks.

Mate, that is rank.
It's all up your sleeve, look.

Christ!

What the f*ck is that?

Oh, my God.

- It was a present from my mum, OK?
- And you've worn it?

She been getting gift ideas
from Neil's old man?

- My dad's not bent.
- Honestly, that is not a good look.

We've just gatecrashed a party
that Big John was invited to,

so nobody is winning the cool prize.

But you are losing by a mile.

Not for long.
I'm going to find Charlotte.

- Upstairs getting f*cked, most likely.
- I've told you she's not like that!

I'll check upstairs first.

[i]The best thing in birthday is everyone
has to do exactly what you want.

[i]With this in mind,
I went to find Charlotte.

Nice T-shirt!

- Yeah, good look, briefcase.
- Thanks.

- Someone's stolen your sleeves.
- Yep, nice one.

- Where's the rest of Take That?
- Retro, but a good one.

Come on! Let me go first,
you know I'm desperate.

- Unlucky.
- Don't be a c*ck!

No, don't. Seriously, come on,

I'm bursting! Look, come on!

- Hi, Jay, are you queuing?
- Yeah!

I might piss my pants any minute.

Won't be too long,
been in there a while.

Right.

So, didn't know
you were friends with Louise.

No, we're not. No.

We climbed the fence, It's cool!

Right.

- Carli, hi.
- Hi, how are you?

Good, yeah. OK.
Yeah, pretty awesome.

Jesus Christ, Simon,
what the f*ck have you done in there?

What?

Have you been eating cat food again?

God, you've left skids
down the bowl too.

I didn't.

- I only went in for a piss.
- Oh, God.

- I can taste it.
- Jay!

- I might go upstairs.
- No, don't. It was a wee.

It was only a wee!

I promise I didn't leave skids!

It doesn't smell at all, you f*ck,
it was a wee. Why did you do that?

Funny.

[i]So things weren't going exactly to plan.
But if I could just find Charlotte,

[i]I was confident it would
still be a birthday to remember.

[i]And I was right.

Hi, Charlotte.

- There you are.
- Will!

Could you, go away?

- Time out, fella!
- You're not alone now.

Patrice...

- Salut.
- Salut.

- Are you two...?
- Seriously, what are you doing?

I thought we could...
Hang out a bit.

- Not right now, maybe.
- I don't know why you're doing this.

- And what are you wearing?
- I've got a bottle of champagne,

and I remembered when we first met
we had champagne, as it's my birthday,

I thought maybe...
Is he touching you, now?

Look,

maybe we'll have a drink later.

Yeah, later,

of course.

Will?
Could you turn the light off?

No, leave on.

OK.

[i]Great. And I'd rather hoped the singlet
was the worst birthday surprise.

[i]Meanwhile, my mates were making the most
of finally getting into a cool party,

[i]by standing in a corridor,
not talking to anyone.

All right? Did you find her?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

- Where is she then?
- Upstairs being f*cked by Patrice.

- Knew it.
- Unlucky!

Can you make him stop,
please, Simon?

As a birthday present?

Not really.
Sorry, that's just too weird.

- Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
- Shall we go then?

Hi, Mark, I'm just off but
if you were looking for Charlotte,

I think she's upstairs.

- f*ck off, you prick.
- Have a fun night!

[i]So, ironically, it was Donovan
who gave me the best gift this year,

[i]a savagely beaten French kid.

- What if Donovan kills him?
- Good.

Mum'll go mental if Patrice is hurt.

- So what, she'll get you a shitter car?
- Fair point.

f*ck him,

- you never see him again!
- I will stay at his at half term.

- You want to go to France?
- No.

So shut up.

What about me? It's my birthday and
I saw Patrice trying to mount Charlotte!

- The baguette-eating dickhead frog.
- That's a bit r*cist.

He's made me r*cist.

- Did you get to see her t*ts?
- No, Neil.

Funnily, through my tear-filled eyes,
I couldn't see any t*ts.

- Bad luck.
- Oh, God,

what if my birthdays just
get worse and worse from now on?

- What'll happen next year?
- You get A*DS?

- I'd have to have sex for that.
- Or f*ck a monkey.

- Technically that still counts.
- Or drink the same cup as Neil's dad.

My dad does not have A*DS.

Your dad is so A*DS,
he's the one who gave it to monkeys.

- Take that back.
- That's what the monkeys said to him.

- Come on, let's get back to yours.
- I'll let you beat me at Pro Evo.

You have to. I can beat you anyway.

- Well, we'll see, won't we?
- That's them. f*cking

- Run!
- Again? Oh, good!

- Paedos!
- Split up, he can't get us all!

He's got a f*cking cricket bat!

- Neil, go away!
- This is the tin hat.

Worst birthday ever!

[i]So my birthday, or dog sh*t,
singlet, heartbreak day,

[i]as I've come to think of it,
was over.

[i]It's fair to say
it hadn't been the best.

[i]But I had learnt
one important life lesson.

[i]If you go round to Neil's,
don't play with his Lego.