13x09 - Say Awww!/Patrick the Mailman

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

Kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

All:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[expl*si*n]

[screaming]

- [laughs]

- Huh?

- All right,
you braindead barnacles,

drop those patties.

Your sandwiches
are coming with me!

- Aww, so cute.
- Huh?

- I just want to pinch his face.

- [grunts]
- Oh.

Look at this
precious, little sweetie.

Those adorable cheeks.
Oh, that sparkly eye.

- No!
- That adorable tuchus.

- Aww.
- Aww.

- Stop!
Get away!

- Aww!
- Aww.

- I hate this town!

[sobbing]

- [humming melody] Ah!

- Karen!
Ow!

- Oh, let me guess,
another failure?

- Of course, another failure!

How am I supposed to steal
the Krabby Patty formula

when everybody thinks
I'm adorable?

Cute is no way to inspire fear.
Huh?

Unless...

yes, oh, that's it!

[grunts]
I'll teach the fools

of this town that cute
can be horrific.

♪ ♪

There, my evil masterwork
is complete.

- An egg?

I already
had breakfast, Sheldon.

- It's not the egg.
It's what's inside.

A robot so diabolical,
so devious,

so adorable when people see it,
they'll have to say,

"Aww."

But that sound

will transform it
into a terrifying monster

that will eat them!

[dramatic music]

Behold!

Revenge-bot model QT-Pi.
- [quacks]

- Yes.

- Did you say
it was going to eat people?

- That's right!

Its victims will be trapped
in its quantum stomach prison

to... think about
what they've done?

- Well, have fun
with your little toy.

Just don't forget
to take out the trash.

- Aww.

Ooh.

♪ ♪

- [roars]

- [whimpers] Oh, boy.

[screams]

Oh!
Ugh.

It works!
It... huh?

Barnacles.

- [roars]

[quacks]

- I'm ready!
I'm ready!

I'm ready!
I'm ready!

I'm ready!
Whoa.

Oh.

- Excellent!

That moron won't be able
to stop aww-ing at my robot.

Go, robot.
Eat him!

Eat him good, baby!
[laughs]

- [quacks]

- Hm, huh?

Aww.

- Here it comes.

- Cute, little robot like you

shouldn't be out here all alone.

What's your name?
QT-Pi?

That's adorable!
Come on.

I'll take care of you
until we find your owner.

- Yes, that's right.

Take us right
into my enemy's lair.

- This is where I work.
These are our customers.

And this is Squidward,
my best friend.

- Huh?
Huh?

That is a filthy lie!

- Ooh, speaking of filthy,
I better wash

these dirty hands
before I get cooking.

Squidward, be a dear
and keep an eye on him for me,

will you?
- [grumbles]

Huh?
- [quacks]

- Say, you are pretty cute.
- Did you say cute?

- Um, uh...
- Oh, yeah.

He's so cute.
- Okay, get back, you animals!

He needs room to be precious.

- [quacks]

[all inhale deeply]

[together]
Aww.

- [screams]

- [roaring]

[people screaming]

- [grunts]

Ah!
- Whoa!

- Hey!

Those don't sound like
"I'm spending money" screams!

Wha...?

- [whirring]

[roars]
- Whoa, no!

[people screaming]

- Proper drying of the hands

is every bit as important
as the... wha... hey.

- [quacks]
- Huh.

Guess we closed early today.
Oh, boy.

Now I have more time
to help my new friend QT-Pi.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la,
la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- Whoa!
Oh.

Huh?

What in the name of Neptune
is going on here?

- [grunts]

Oh, yeah,
what is happening here?

- Plankton, this has you
written all over it.

- How dare you?

Huh?
[chuckles]

How'd that get on there?

[grunts]
Okay, it was me.

To teach you all a lesson,
I made a robot

that eats people
who say, "aww."

So sue me.

- Oh, I don't want
to sue you, Plankton.

I want to get out of
your infernal contraption!

- Well, the only way out is
the emergency evacuation uvula,

which is up there.
- Huh?

All right,
you heard the pipsqueak!

Everyone form up!
Let's yank that "uvuler"!

[all grunting]

- [screams]
- Oh.

- Aw.

- Ow.
- Oh.

- Looks like we're stuck here
until this dumb robot

eats more people.

[all sigh and grumble]

- The veterinarian
can help me find your owner.

You're a robot,
so you must be chipped.

[laughs]

- Hmm.

Normally I work
with animals, not machines,

but how different can they be?
[chuckles]

Let's just take a listen.

- Say, "Aww!"
- Get eaten!

- Say, "Aww!"
- [gasps]

Oh, my.

Okay then, say "aww."

- Aww.

[roars]
- [whimpers]

[screams]

- [roars]

- Aww.

No, wait, I meant to say...
[screaming]

- [roaring]

- [screaming]

So cute.
[screaming]

- Huh, what?
Hey, you need to buy a ticket!

Huh?
Aww.

[screams]

- [quacking]

- [screaming]

- Aww.
- Aww.

[all screaming]

- [inhaling powerfully]

[whirs and sniffs]

[roars]

[together]
Ah!

Whoo!

[all screaming]

- [roars]

[people screaming]

- Ooh, perfect,
I'll escape through there.

Oy.

A dead end ride?

That doesn't seem
very glove themed.

- [quacks]
- Huh?

Ay!

[ominous music]

Ah, QT-Pi, please don't eat me!

[chanting together]
Eat him! Eat him!

- I... ooh, I know.

I'll try the soothing power
of music.

♪ Oh ♪

[string plunks]

Aw, rats.

- [roars]

- [screaming]

- Yay, you did it, boy!
- Whoo-hoo!

- A surprise party for me?

- [grunts]
This isn't a party, you boob.

- Well, why did everyone cheer
when I showed up?

- Because with you,
we can finally reach

the emergency escape "uvuler."

All right,
let's try it again, people!

[all grunting]

- [straining]

Oh, oh!

Whoa, whoa.
- What's going on?

- Oh, oh, whoa.

Got it!

- [hissing and whirring]

[all scream]

- Yeah!
- Aha!

- [screams]
- Ooh.

We did it!
We escaped!

- And I got us
into Glove World for free.

You're welcome.

- Last one on the bumper gloves
is a rotten egg!

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah!

- [quacks sadly]

- Poor QT-Pi.

That whole eating everyone thing

didn't work out for you.
Hm?

I think I know how you could
use your powers for good.

- [quacks]

- Step right up and try
our latest glove-tastic ride!

Experience the aww-pocalypse
at the Glove Launch.

- [blows raspberry] Aww.

[screams]

[screams]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wha... wha... wha... wha... wha... whoa.

Whoa!
All right!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Yeah!

- What do you mean I'm
too short to ride this ride?

I built this!
- Sorry, buddy.

Rules is rules,

even for an adorable
little guy like you.

- Real cute.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [whistling melody]

[grunts]
Special delivery!

- Ooh, my new rock
is finally here!

Hold on, polka dots?

I ordered plaid.

You'll have to take it back,
Mr. Mailman.

[bones cracking]
- Back?

- Mr. Mailman?
- My back.

- You okay, buddy?
- Gotta deliver mail.

- You are in no shape
to deliver anything, fella.

Just relax
and crash at my place.

I'll deliver your mail
for you today.

Oops, almost forgot my mail bag.

Oops, almost forgot
my mailman hat.

[humming melody]
All righty.

Let's see
where my first delivery is.

[straining]

Oh, I can't read this!

[knocks]

- Hey, Patrick, I thought
that sounded like your head.

- SpongeBob,
do you know where this

Spon-gee-Boob

Squir-pa-Nants lives?

- Never heard of him.
- Oh, well, return to sender.

- Hey, what's with
the new threads?

- I'm a mailman now!
[laughs]

- Wow!

I've always wanted
to be a mailman.

It's like getting to be Santa
every day,

except Sundays.

- Sorry, SpongeBob,
but I'm the mailman now.

- Oh, okay.

- But you can be my postal pal!

- Whee!
Oh, ah!

- Let's get mailing.

♪ ♪

Postal pal,
you may ring the doorbell.

- [gasps]

Yes, sir, Mr. Mailman, sir.

Oh, I better warm up
the old bell ringer.

Up, down, up, down.
Twist right, twist left.

And polish the nail.

[exhales]

[doorbell rings]

- Mail!

- They let a moron like you
deliver the mail?

- Oh, you'd be surprised
what they let morons do.

- [gasps] It's here!

It's here!
[laughs]

- What's wrong
with Squidward's face?

- [laughing]

- I think he's smiling.

- I finally got it,
my turbo clarinet.

[engine rumbles]

[inhales deeply]

[horn toots]
- Whoa!

[both screaming]

- Worth every penny.

[together]
Oh, ooh, oh, oh.

Oh, good, our next stop.

- A summons for jury duty.
Lucky.

- Special delivery.

- Great job, Mr. Mailman.
- Huh?

- Oops.

Yep.

Ugh.

Must be a defective mail slot.

Aha.

That ought to do it.

Maybe I'll
just try the doorbell.

[doorbell rings]

- Can I help you?

[together]
Special delivery.

- I don't want it!

- Maybe we should just move on
to the next house.

- Pfft, no.

I am a mailman.

Like the postal oath says,

neither bunions or onions
nor ditches or dangers

will stop me from giving stuff
to strangers.

- [applauds]

[soft orchestral music]

[doorbell rings]

- Ah!
- Special delivery!

- Special un-delivery!
- [screams]

Oof.

Being a mailman isn't like
being Santa Claus at all.

- [gasps]

[jingle bells ringing]

[straining]

- h*, h*, h*!
Oh!

Ooh!

Hey, we're beard bros.
- [growls]

- Oh, uh, merry Fishmas!

- It's July!
- Just take a letter.

- I don't want it!
- Neither bunions or onions!

[upbeat music]

[screams]
Huh, ooh.

Ah.
[screams]

Take your mail!
[grunts]

- Hey!
- [grunting]

I'll zip your code so hard!

- Ah!
En garde!

- En lard!

- [screaming]
- [screaming]

- h*, ha!
- I'm gonna stamp you!

Hi, ha!
- Ha!

- I'll send you butt express!

- [screams]

- [grunts] Huh?

You can't run
from your civic duties!

[screaming]
- [screaming]

Oh.
- Ha!

Get it, slap back,
no take backs!

- [sighs]

[both chuckling]

- Not bad.

- This summons
is for Bubble Bass,

you nincompoops!

- Hm.
- Hm.

[bell rings and clatters]

- Coming.
- Ah!

- Uh!
- Don't leave!

Almost there.

- Ha!
- Ha!

- Oh, boy, I never get visitors.

- Special delivery
for one special, old man.

- Uh, uh, mm...

I can't find any mail for him.
- Oh, I never get any mail.

- [sobbing] That's so sad.

Let's give him some of
the other mail, huh?

I found a letter for you,
Old Man Walker.

- [beeping]

I've been drafted!
Oh, boy!

- Wow, if one letter
made him this happy,

I bet all of the mail
will make him explode with joy.

- [laughs]

- Sure, wow, all of this for me?

[expl*si*n]

[laughter]

- What's next, Postman Patrick?

- [gulps] Mm-mm.

[sighs]
We're all out of mail.

[engine rumbles]

Let's ask that ice cream truck
if it knows

where to find some mail.
- That's no ice cream truck.

It's a mail truck.
- Really?

I thought all trucks were girls.

[laughter]

[tires squeal]

- Wow, we hit
the postal jackpot!

- Cool.
[engine rumbles]

- Huh?
Hey!

Those weirdos stole my truck!
[grunts]

[sirens blaring]

Follow those postal pilferers!

- A special delivery.

- Special delivery for Fred!

- Mwah.
- Huh?

[growls]
Who's Carol?

- [chuckles]

- This one's for you, Penny!

- [screaming]

Huh?
Oh, great.

The raft I ordered
has finally arrived.

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[metal clanks]
- Huh?

Pirates!

- Wha...?
- Wha...?

[both growling]

- Why are these pirates
dressed like mail people?

- They want to steal our mail!
- Repel the boarders!

- Repelling boarders, sir!

- Ugh!
- Harold!

No!

- I'm shipping these COD.

Crash on delivery.

[upbeat music]

- Eeh, oh.
And here comes some air mail.

[retches]

- [screaming]

- Huh?

Another jury summons
for Bubble Bass.

- Special delivery!

- Oh, all we have left
is junk mail!

- Don't worry.

They'll never find us
in this post office.

♪ ♪

- [sighs] [doorbell rings]

- Here's today's mail, warden.

[together]
Special delivery.

[both chuckle]