01x02 - Newbie QB

[bunniefuu]

- ♪

- Bella, you have
to slow down.

Make-up is like surgery--
one wrong move and you're dead.

At least, socially.

- It's not make-up,
it's eye black.

- Well, congratulations,
now it's forehead black.

- I can't believe
you have to change

all the way in
the girls' locker room.

- I know--every time
I get to the boys' locker room,

it's like something
fun was happening

just before I got there.

It's like I'm on the team,
but not a part of the team.

- Trust me--you're
not missing much.

If they're like my brothers,
they're probably in there

naming their farts after
historical figures.

I can still smell
Napoleon Bonafarte.

- [drums beating]
- Oh, band practice is starting.

- Ooh, I'm almost late.

How do I look?
- Oh! Uh...

- BELLA: [sighing]
- I've done all I can.

- Why don't you
put the helmet on?

No one will notice.

- Great. Thanks.
Love you. Bye!

- [pounding on door]
Girl QB comin' in!

- ALL: [singing with music]
♪ We are young ♪

♪ We are strong ♪

♪ We can dance ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Because we're hotties,
shake your body ♪

♪ Do the cheeky
polka-dotty ♪

♪ Say yeah, say yeah,
say hey ♪

- Dawson, heh, there you are.

Yeah, yeah,
my phone's ringing?

Yeah, I'll get that.

- Oh, my gosh, y'all
listen to Glitter Cheeks, too?

- Huh?
- No!

- We were just, you know...

[laughing]
See, what happened was...

Hey, you've got eye
black on your forehead.

That...that's embarrassing.
Let's all laugh at that.

- BOYS: [laughing]

- What an awkward
situation this is.

For you.

- Ouch!

- It's almost worse
than us singing

and dancing to a girly
pop song. [laughing]

Who said that?

- All right, fine,
we listen to Glitter Cheeks.

But it's just got
a sick bassline

that gets us amped to, you know,
go hit some dudes!

- BOYS: [growling]

- This is awesome!

I cannot wait to
tell the girls. They're gon--

- Oh! Whoa, whoa,
no, you can't.

What happens in
the locker room

stays in the locker room.

- Guys, no problem.
Your secret's safe with me.

- You're not gonna
say anything, right?

- Hey, I'm a Bulldog.
I would never say anything.

Now, let's pump up that
jam and dance!

- ♪ We are young ♪

♪ We are strong ♪
- Yay!

Okay, I get it,
I get it, moment's over.

But we will dance!

- ♪ You won't find
me in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah that girl
is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made of spice
and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty...
she's pretty tough ♪

- ♪ Then add
a little glitter ♪

- ♪ She off in
a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you get...
you get... ♪

- ♪ A game changer,
play maker ♪

♪ Take the ball
She'll see ya later ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dreamlike,
teamlike ♪

♪ Livin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ Play like Friday night ♪

♪ Kickin' like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it goin', goin',
she got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ One of the boys ♪

- Bella, I've gotta know.

What's it like in
the boys' locker room?

What do they talk about?
Secret crushes?

Am I one of them?
Do they fight over me?

They do, don't they.

- Pepper, I can't tell you

what happens in
the boy's locker room.

But I can tell you
what doesn't.

All that.

- Ace McFumbles here with
a brand new Ace TV segment--

"Bulldogs Exposed."
- [newscast music]

- In our lead story,
gridiron guys go gaga

for Glitter Cheeks.

- Did he just say
"Glitter Cheeks"?

- Yes. Yes, he did.

- What? Phone
call for Coach?

Coming!

- A source inside
the locker room says

the team and Coach
love to dance and sing along

with the girly pop stars
while getting pumped up

for practices and games.

Didn't know. Now you do.
You're welcome.

Remember, if it's in
your face, it must be Ace.

- CROWD: [laughing,
chattering]

- Hey, what's up--
polka-dotty hotties.

[laughing]

- Konnichiwa.
Which one of you is Miako?

Buh-burn!
[laughing]

- I don't believe this.

We just got buh-burned
by the chuh-Chess Club.

- Well, you may not be
blabbin' locker secrets,

but someone sure is.

- Whoever it is,
they're in huge trouble.

- You are in huge trouble.

- You don't really think
I leaked this.

- Oh, please, you're
the new guy on the team.

- And you're a girl.

You see 'em do it everywhere,
all willy-nilly and whatnot.

- The dude's right.
- Totally willy-nilly.

- Wow, you caught us.

We girls open our mouths
and occasionally words come out.

I guess I'm guilty.

- BOYS: [gasping]

- She admits it.

- That was sarcasm.

- Don't you go quotin' your
fancy Greek philosophers to me.

- It has a sick bassline!

For hittin' dudes!

I do not need
to explain myself to you.

- Troy, you're my
wide receiver.

I'm your QB.

You trust me, right?

Tell these guys
you know I didn't do it.

- Oh, you did it.

- What? Why would I?

- Because you're a girl.

Everybody knows girls
have enlarged gossip glands.

And when those glands
absorb the gossip juice,

they must excrete it.

That's not me,
that's science.

- What science class
do you all go to?

You know what?

I'm going to prove
I didn't do this.

- Huh, you do that,
blabberback.

Wow, Sawyer.
Really, way too far.

- What?

- ♪

- Ace, I need to know--

Why is it so cold in here?

Close that vent.

- No can do. It keeps the
equipment from overheating.

A small price to pay for
state-of-the-art journalism.

- I need to talk to you.

- Of course. Uh, do you
have an appointment?

- No.

- How's three weeks
from Thursday or--

- Now, Ace!
- Or now.

Now just opened up.

- Who told you about
Glitter Cheeks?

- I can't do it, kid.
I don't reveal my sources.

It's called
Freedom of the Press--

First Commandment.

- I think you mean Amendment.

- Tomato, potato.
I'm not talkin'.

- Look, I'm still
new to the team.

I'm trying to gain
their trust.

Now they think
I'm the snitch.

You know I'm not.

So just tell me who it was
so I can prove it wasn't me.

- Ooh, there's tension
on the team.

Tell me more.

- Stop typing!
I never said that.

- Gossip suspect
Bella Dawson says "No comment."

- I didn't say "No comment."

- Yes, you did.
I just heard you.

- Ughhhhh!

- Uh, is that "Ugh"
with two g's?

Oh, never mind.
Thank you, Spellcheck.

- It's got a sick bassline.

For hitting dudes!

I do not have to explain
myself to you!

I'll see you Sunday.

Love you, Mom.

All right! All right!
- [whistle shrills]

- Let's go. We've gotta
finish our practice

before the Chess Club
gets out.

- [sighing]
Those guys are so mean.

- Let's move it!

- Yeah, um,
I'll be right there.

Just gotta re-lace
my cleats.

- Awwww...

- Hey, what are you
doin' sneakin'around?

- [bunny thuds]

- BUNNY'S VOICE:
You make me so happy.

- We're, uh,
we're late for practice.

Let's go!
- Troy!

It's okay. I have a stuffed
bunny, too.

- Okay, first of all,

Colonel Cottontail
is not a stuffed bunny.

He is a poseable
action bunny.

- BUNNY'S VOICE:
Some bunny needs a hug.

- Awwww...

- Hey, keep your
"awwws" down.

No one else
knows about this.

Look, my dad gave it to me

the first time his Army unit
went overseas.

I just keep it in
my locker for good luck.

- Awwww...
- Uh!

- Sorry, but you're making it
really hard for me not to "aw."

It's such a great story
and it's really sweet and--

- Oh, cut with it.

You had to be the one person
who found out about this.

My secret is as good
as blabbed.

- Troy, I told you before--
I'm not the snitch.

- This isn't just the guys
dancing in the locker room.

This is important to me.

- I get it. Your secret's
safe with me.

- ♪

- ACE: This morning,
on "Bulldogs Exposed"...

we focus on wide receiver
Troy Dixon.

- Oh, boy, what now?

- ACE: My source inside
the locker room tells me

"Tough Troy" is still close
with his childhood friend--

a certain stuffed bunny he keeps
in his locker for good luck.

He calls him
Colonel Cottontail.

- PEPPER: Awww...
- SOPHIE: [laughing]

- No "aw". No "ha".
No nothing.

Troy, I didn't--
- My secret's safe with you?

Thanks a lot, Bella.

- ♪

- Guys, I didn't want to say
anything in front of Coach,

but what was that about?

Why was no one
blocking for me?

I've got cleat marks
up and down my back.

- That's what happens
when you tell

really humiliating and
embarrassing secrets about

certain people that make them
look completely ridiculous.

- NEWT: [whispering]

- Which is why we are
giving you the silent treatment.

- Troy, I know this looks
bad, but I didn't--

- You told me
I could trust you.

Now I'm a joke
all over school.

- This is ridiculous.
I didn't do it.

- Look, I don't
wanna hear it.

You know what? You've got
your own locker room.

You don't need to be in ours
and we don't want you in here.

From now on,
just meet us on the field.

- [cell phone ringing]

- That's my dad calling
from overseas.

And when he asks
about my day,

I get to tell him
all about this.

- [cell phone ringing]

- Ugh!

- ♪

- I can't believe this.

Last Friday night I threw
the winning pass

and the team loves me.

Now they don't even want
me in the locker room.

All for something
I didn't do.

- It's clear to me
there's only one solution.

Quit the team and come
back to cheerleading.

I re-fluff your pompoms
every night

on the chance that you will.

- [sighing] I love you guys.
I am not quitting this team.

I just have to somehow
convince them I didn't snitch.

- I say we tie up Ace
and start plucking hairs

out of his moustache
collection one-by-one,

until he sings
like a canary!

- Okay, loving the enthusiasm.

But maybe with
a little less violence.

- [stamps foot] Oh, you
never let me have any fun!

- You know what?

I'm gonna find out who's
telling secrets to Ace,

if I have to go through the
entire team player-by-player.

- But how are you gonna
find out anything,

if they're all giving
you the silent treatment?

- Oh, I know a couple of guys
I can make talk.

- Got your note.
What do you want?

- I got a note from you.
What do you want?

- BOTH: [gasping]
Sophie!

- [door slams]

- Mom says you can't lock
us in closets any more.

- Mom can't help
you in here.

Look at them.
They must be guilty.

They're so nervous,
they're shaking.

- Unh-unh,
it's freezing in here.

- The quicker you
answer questions,

the quicker you
get out of here.

- First question--

how many boys in that locker
room have a crush on me?

Do they fight over me?
Oh, they do, don't they?

- Pepper...
[clearing throat]

- We'll talk later.

- I'm sorry we dragged you in
here, but I have to know.

Did either of you tell
Ace the team secret?

- What? No.
- We wouldn't.

- We've been getting
seriously dissed at school.

And it's even
worse at home.

- It's true.
Our own brothers, they...

- Spit it out.

- They "Glitter Cheeked" us.
- What?

- They "Glitter Cheeked" us!

- Wait, I never saw
glitter on your cheeks.

- [shuddering]
Not those cheeks.

- GIRLS: Ohhhh...

- [sighing]
It isn't them.

- Well, you heard
the woman--

get out!

Well, that was a bust.

Fun for me, but a bust.

- Not totally.

Luis and Ricky did give us
a very good clue.

- Obviously.

But why don't you tell Sophie
so she can catch up?

- Think about it.

No guy would have purposely
leaked the Glitter Cheeks stuff

because they knew
they'd get made fun of.

It must have come
out by accident.

- Well, who on the team
is most likely to do that?

- It's almost worse
than us singing

and dancing to a girly
pop song. [laughing]

Who said that?

Hey, Sawyer, I may be late to
your surprise party tonight.

Wha...? Who said that?

- [cell phone clicks]

- [cell phones playing music]

- Ha. Who said that?
[nervous laughter]

- ALL: Newt!

- And that's why you should
never feed chili to a mule.

Now donkeys,
on the other hand...

[laughing]
That's a whole nother story.

Nobody ever stays
for the donkey part.

- Newt, trust me.

I will not be mad,
no matter what you say.

Are you the leak?
- No.

- Tell the truth or I'll
break you in half.

- Your eyes are so fiery.

I could lose myself
in there.

- I can't work with this!

- Oh, oh, oh.

[whispering]

- [laughing]
Are you kidding me?

No way!

[sighing]
You so owe me for this.

[sighing]
Tell us who did it...

and I'll sit with
you at lunch tomorrow.

[squeaky voice]
Ew.

- What? No.
Why didn't I do it?

Wait, I'll go blab
some secrets right now.

- It's not him.
- No, no, wait.

What secrets do you
wanna know? Please?

- Well, if none of the guys
would do this on purpose,

and Newt didn't do
it by accident...

- ...we're never gonna
figure this out.

- This is so messed up.

I've been kicked out of
the locker room,

Troy thinks I betrayed him,

I finally get to
be quarterback,

and the whole team
hates me.

- [sighing]
Bella...

- ♪

- Yeah, real original!

You know, the Chess Club
left colored eggs.

At least that was...
festive!

- [slams locker]
Hey!

Do you think laughing
at people's secrets is funny?

T.J., how would
you like it

if I told people your
Nana's nickname for you?

And, Olivia,
what about the time

you had blank at the blank
and then blank happened!

How would you like it
if I filled in those blanks?

Didn't think so.

- You know, I could
have defended myself.

I don't need your help.

- Hey, you're my teammate.

And no matter what
you think I did,

if somebody comes after you,

they're gonna have
to deal with me.

And, by the way,

I cherish every single
thing my dad left me.

So if you think I'd tell
the whole school

about something
your Dad gave you,

then those stupid
gossip glands

aren't the only thing
you've got wrong about me.

- Bella, wait.

I believe you.

- Well, it's about time.
- I'm sorry.

Look, I'm gonna talk
to the team

and tell them
I think you're innocent.

But they won't be
easy to convince.

I just wish we knew
who the leak was.

- Me, too, but it
makes me feel better

that at least
you trust me.

- I've gotta call
my dad and tell him.

He didn't think
you did it, either.

- You should listen
to your dad more often.

What's with the winter wear?

- Oh, I call my dad
from the janitor's closet.

It's freezing in there,
but it's pretty private.

- Wait!

Do you talk to
your dad about everything?

Even what happens
in the locker room?

- Yeah, but it's okay.

- Troy, I know who
the leak is.

I was in Ace's office
and it was really cold.

He didn't close the vent,
which was weird.

Then, when we were
in the janitor's closet,

it was just as cold--

which makes sense if the vent
from the closet leads

directly next door
to Ace's office.

And if cold air
travels back and forth,

so can secrets.

- Bella found out about Colonel
Cottontail in the locker room.

- There is a leak
on the team.

- [high-pitched voice]
And it's me!

- Are your apology glands
swelling up right now?

- Big time.
I'm so sorry, Bella.

I feel so bad.
I don't know what to do.

- Well, you're in luck.

I know how we can
both feel better.

- ♪

- TROY: Hey, Dad,
how's it goin'?

- Ooh, ha, ha.
Time for the leak to speak.

- Yeah, we, uh, we figured
out who the leak is.

- Uh-oh.
- [air horn blasting]

- TROY: We're coming
for you, Ace!

- You gotta catch me,
first! Ha! Ha!

- RICKY & LUIS:
"Glitter Cheek" him!

- ACE: [groaning]

- Now that's in your face.

Ace!
[laughing]

- ALL: Yeah!

- ♪

- [knock at door]

- BELLA: Girl QB comin' in.

Got your message
that you wanted to see me.

- Yeah, come on in, Bella.

- Hey, guys.

Look at you all lined
up together.

Not nerve-racking at all.

- Bella, look, we were
so busy accusing you

because you're new,
and you're a girl,

we forgot the most
important thing.

You're a Bulldog.

And you belong in
this locker room

as much as any man
on this team.

- ALL: Surprise!

- ♪

- It's your very own,
private, lady room.

- A lock-her, if you will.

- Now you can change
in here with us.

But without me
feeling uncomfortable.

- SAWYER: She's not
saying anything.

What's happening?

- I love it! I love it!
I love it! I love it!

- TROY: Hey.

She loves it.

- Thank you!

This is great!

- Hold my calls.

This is a Glitter
Cheeks moment.

- ♪ We are young ♪

♪ We are strong ♪

♪ We can dance ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Because we're hotties,
shake your body ♪

♪ Do the cheeky
polka-dotty ♪

♪ Say yes,
say yes I can ♪

♪ We are young... ♪

- Ace McFumbles here.

Apparently,
Vice Principal Smathers

believes that journalistic
maneuvers such as

reporting people's private
conversations are "unethical,"

which led to the unfortunate

cancellation of
"Bulldogs Exposed,"

But it did inspire me to write
my new weekly segment,

"I was wrong" where
I retract a few small errors

from the previous week.

And here we go...

What's that?

All dogs do not talk.

Didn't know. Now you do.
You're welcome!