06x07 - The Army Game

[bunniefuu]

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all that is black gold Texas Tea well

the first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the Kim folk said can't move

away from there said California is a

place you ought to be solder loaded up

the truck in the mood to Beverly Hills

that is swimming pools movie stars a

Beverly hillbilly

thank you

good cramp it's vegan good morning are

granny and Ellie back to the hills

nobody do any minute and I sure will be

glad to see him keeping a wild animal

fed it's quite a chore

no ma'am I don't mean Jethro

Ellie left me with his Grizzly curve but

he goes after riddles a heat flag

gesture have you ever birth a bear Miss

James

first a bear well no I oh good morning

chief

if that's a personal call leave 15 cents

if you'd like me to come over and help I

have had some experience handling beasts

every election Miss Jane but uh cousin

Bessie is helping with the other Little

Critters

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he said Jethro will be back from the

airport with the women poke anytime now

well if there's anything I can do back

away come here uh I'm afraid I have to

hang up now Captain Bligh wants me

you called where's my morning newspaper

chiefa I don't think you should see it

it will only upset you what caught upset

me after what I've been through with

those hillbillies Jethro gets his

induction notice Jed buys him a tank I

have to be his tank he dresses me up

like on Hindenburg and I get arrested

and I'm gonna be upset by the morning

favor

but in the bank will hear you

this gets hard I'm gonna be ruined

oh no

wow

oh soldiers never cried

it's so unfair Jethro dressed up like

General Patton and nobody even saw him

it's all over jeffrow returned the tank

and right now he's bringing granny and

Ellie home from the airport

this is the last time I'm ever home

females in my tank

if you

I thought you took that tank back to

where you got it I did look at you but

when I seen the kind of respect the tank

General gets I had to buy it back you

should have seen him or salute me at the

airport soldiers Sailors Marines in the

tank

thank you

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kid fetch my medical bag are you hurt

granny no it's for the general I ain't

hurt I ain't down there yet okay

Jethro's going to the Army let's be easy

on him kid do you know what that boy put

Ellie and Me So Very Room in that thing

for four

iron neither did you see four yeah we

brought you back a Supra

come on girl oh Pearl come with you well

that's what we call her

come on girl

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we named the pig for Jethro's Mall

because it was Pearl who give it to us

oh he's a little critter that pig was

the quietest female in the tank

watch out civilian you're talking to a

four star two g*n General

suitcases upstairs oh I need me first

aid is my circle

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I thought you said Jethro got rid of

this thing well that was my

understanding listen there's only one

way to stop this foolishness Jethro must

be inducted now today but he hasn't had

his physical we'll pull strange that nut

might decide to win a navy and gentle

virus

for the Air Force and Jed might buy a

B-52 what was that about me buying a

B-52 I was just wondering what you might

buy me I'm going to be 52.

oh a birthday

what do you reckon he'd like Miss Gene

he'd like to be 52.

she's out back with the pig oh is he

still wearing that General's uniform

well speaking of Jethro he can't go in

the army until he has a physical

examination I'll get my medical bag and

take care of it

going Yonder and take your clothes off

Jethro what fur I'm Going On Maneuvers

I'm gonna give you a physical

examination a granny he'll be examined

by an army doctor oh no it was one of

them goomers that k*lled Jed's cousin an

army doctor

hi ranking one two

for all peritonitis

peritonitis isn't a doctor

we found that out

oh take your clothes off boy granny the

Army doc ain't gonna get their hands on

that child to them he's just a number

but to me he's pearls baby and I

promised her I'd take care of him

now go take your clothes off baby granny

couldn't you let the Army doctors

examine me they're too rough sweetheart

these are the soft gentle hands of the

Healer there's about as soft as a

Gator's hide

how's it look

oh Mr Clavin don't waste your time

polishing this silly little old tank

maybe you're right Jethro wants me to

buy him a great big brand new one

it's just a beautiful

Please Mr Clampett don't buy Jethro any

more equipment the Army will take care

of that they'll train him outfit him

give him three Square meals a day

they'll turn him into a real fighting

man they sure will if they cut him down

to three meals a day

where is the board well Granny's giving

him his physical examination now that's

another thing the Army will take care of

not my granny

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the temperature's normal

142. 142 ain't normal it is if your

thermometer has been sterilized and

boiling water

and cross your legs I want to check your

reflection

I got a busted knee how long have you

had that

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Army don't like cry babies

it won't even let me in the Army all

crippled up like this before I give you

another promotion promotion that's right

I'm gonna give you one stripe you want a

buck for a corporal

oh

now open your mouth and say ah I wanna

look down your throat

can't feel it you're gonna get a grilled

My my what an eating machine I didn't

tell you got more teeth than the

Garfield oh no matter with your tongue

yet bro it's coated something terrible

that's what I declare you eat anything

the good thing there's a doctor

oh still I want to look in your ear

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yes because I suspected what what's the

matter not nothing no some things the

patient is better off not know and now

I'm gonna take care of that busted me

wait a minute let the army take care of

them yeah you listen to me boy your

uncle Jen is paying for everything else

the only thing I got to offer is my

medical skill and that's going to be my

contribution to do with the song I'm

Gonna Cut you some splints

all right boys you can put your clothes

on now what'd you say granny I said you

can put your clothes back on

[Laughter]

well how'd you throw make out on his

physical doctor I passed him kid but

he's got some bad health habits he ought

to break huh what are they well for one

thing he eats Hot Wax

at the roof of his mouth all shitty he

keeps bumping into things and busting

his knee

I can't get my General's uniform on over

these splints a splint he stays on huh I

said leave him on doctor's orders and if

the need gets the pain in too much chew

some of these gym please oh gee granny I

don't need anything

I said

Mr Drysdale said wear your regular

clothes to the Army place no uniform

I ain't hardly in yet I'm already a

dungeon busted back to a civilian

I can hardly hear it I put quarks in his

ear

so the wind won't blow through

if you wish to finger his ears blow into

his mouth you could play his head like a

ocarina

hahaha

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sir the young man Mr Drysdale talked to

you about his ear Jethro Bodine oh yes

he's a young man who's so anxious to

join up yes sir by George it's a

pleasure to meet a boy like that I'm

getting sick to my stomach of those

draft dodging card pointing hippies with

their psychiatric come outs

they're turning on national symbol from

an eagle into a chicken now A Boy comes

to me who can't wait to serve his

country a boy who loves his country a

boy with blood in his veins instead of

flowers in his hair that's what she look

like well he's a big Husky fellow sir he

looks like he came right out of a hill

another Sergeant York

well here's one boy that had shrink it

down the hall isn't gonna section eight

bring him in

Mr Bodine would you step in here please

and he's ready to fight you're a real

Patriot my boy huh don't you hear boy

what'd you say crippled hard of hearing

and he's ready to serve

can you see boy

no worry land we'll mend that broken

body you've got the soul and the spirit

of a hero Lord Nelson had only one arm

but he saved England

process him sergeant

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good afternoon colonel

oh what do you want head shrinky you're

going to psych out some more of those

mother hating hippies no no I came in to

talk to you about your hillbilly hero oh

oh Super Boy Jethro Bodine

here couch Chucky you're not gonna make

one of those Freudian freaks out of this

boy he's got real social material he's

the no Sergeant York I mean Sergeant

Bilco what I talked to some pretty

clever draft Dodgers in my day but this

boy is the greatest ah you don't know

what you're talking about this boy wants

to serve you just haven't been able to

communicate with him he's hard of

hearing you know not anymore I took the

clerks out of his ears

ah

right here

left here oh come on Doc no boy is that

stupid I didn't say it was stupid in my

book He's a genius

we have had fellows come in here with

the lawyers mothers the teddy bears this

boy does it with Corks And a limp close

he limps she's got a stiff leg not

anymore I took off the phony splints

what do you mean Pony that boy was in

pain sure he was his grandmother hit him

in the knee with a hammer he's also the

one who put the corks in his ears

well that's understandable his

grandmother doesn't want him to leave

home he's the breadwinner they're poor

not anymore they've got 60 million

dollars they live in a mansion in

Beverly Hills

then why did he come in here dressed in

those old clothes I tell you he is a

genius get a load of this kid's

reasoning now he wants us to think that

he's stupid enough to think that we're

stupid enough to think that he is stupid

enough ah baloney let me tell you

something psychiatrist jeffro Boldin

came to me recommended personally by one

of the most eminent citizens of Beverly

Hills president of the Commerce Bank you

mean field Marshall Von Hindenburg

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it's all part of an elaborate plan to

keep this boy out of the army I tell you

it's brilliant they have spared no

expense the brain that conceived this

idea

excuse me sir you too sir can I join the

Army now and go to the front and

convince the fighting really want to go

Jethro oh yes sir

there's just one thing sure would like

to have me some vittles first what oh

that's what the boy calls food Colonel

Jethro sit down some yes sir thank you

colonel

this is where he really showed his

Brilliance he had me convinced that he

was a compulsive eater let me show you

something

what is this ink plot a picture of

the truth now

it's a nude woman

and uh yeah that's the same thing that's

right they're all nudes you know it I

know it and Rorschach knows it get a

load of this reaction

Jethro what uh what is this

oh that's a picture of the ham hockey

showed me a four

and uh this oh Giles pork chops

awesome shades

oh

man ain't she a beauty what is it Jethro

big fat old turkey hen

thank you Jethro can I join now it won't

cost you nothing Well Jed's going to pay

him away hey away in the army yes sir

Board Room uniform g*ns tanks airplanes

everything I wonder if I could talk to

this Uncle of yours sure you can talk to

my whole family I'd like that I'll go

fetch them right on down hey and I can

show you some of the things Michael J

had done bought for me too hey now you

wait right here now you're here don't

worry we will

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what do you suppose is keeping the boy

he's getting his family together over at

Central Casting well he could have a

family you know oh mark my words he will

walk in here with the wildest so-called

family you've ever seen die you're a

cynic I still say it

right in here

vanities man yeah bro well how do you

like it said bought it for me the whole

family come with me

are they loaded

yeah Granny's the only one that ever

takes a nip

is that Granny no of course

isn't that theirs Ellie

Mrs granny Matt there is Uncle Jen

that's my whole family

you must be the rich Uncle oh I don't

know what you could call me Rich I got

about 60 65 million I've had more but

just spent 10 million on our Castle in

England

is in our Castle I am you have a real

castle yes sir big one

yes sir with a mold and a drawbridge and

uh knife and armor yes sir the dragon

yes sir knock it off you must be granny

that's right you're the one who put the

caulks in jeffrow's ears yeah was it to

keep the boy out of the draft oh it was

to keep the draft out of the boys

I am

um

Pearl is Jethro's mother

I'll give you two to one he fakes the

hostility watch this

Jethro yes sir

how do you feel about Pearl

what's there to fail he's a pig

terrible thing to say boy it's true she

smelled bad enough when it was just the

four of us in the tank one tank oh the

tank Uncle Jed bought me you can see it

parked right out front yonders

well at least waves did they feed him

good in the Army what you mean looky

here

am huh

kittens

possum Shanks well are you ready to see

it my way is he the draft dodging

champion

I guess so what do I do with them

put them in intelligence he's a genius

only back to Mr

you'll hear from us am I going in the

Army oh very likely very likely but

first we'll have to find just the right

spot for a fellow with your brain yeah

you hear that

boy he's the first one in the family to

graduate sixth grade

you you don't really hate Earl do you

know

the slot

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playing it right to the finish the girl

the ape

grandmother

a millionaire Uncle all piling into that

little tank there goes the general

a real authentic genius I sure hope the

Army can draft him before the CIA hears

about it

better man than I am gangadin

foreign

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they would like to thank you folks for

kindly dropping in they're all invited

back next week to this locality to have

a heaping helping of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is Sarah spell take your

shoes off y'all come back now here

this has been a film waste presentation

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