06x13 - The South Rides Again

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to him a story about a

man named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely

kept his family dead and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bubbling crude oil that is

black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

looking folk said Jed move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be so the loaded up the truck

in the mood to Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars The Beverly

Hillbillies

thank you

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I gotta count this Rascal yes Metro we

have to count every Critter on the place

and hide them in the cellar cause if we

don't the Yankee soldiers will steal

them even a bear why you can't hardly

find a bear in Georgia ever since

Sherman's Retreat Tennessee

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they'll never spot him he'll be just one

of the crowds

nice massage it like you said granny

don't worry Ellie with his brains the

Yankees will promote him to a major by

Sundown

it's three o'clock

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yes ma'am you get the others down there

too yes I'm ready come on best no no no

leave the blue leg Sergeant here nothing

will Stampede stop like the side of my

Yankee uniform

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you know at three o'clock in the morning

yeah

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what's all them Critters doing in the

house

we're hiding the livestock from Grant's

Army

in my granny's days we had woods and

swamps to hide in but when you live in a

hole like Beverly Hills you gotta make

do

happy birthday

ready

have you still got it in your craw the

gentle Grant is alive alive

and to attack the Culpepper Plantation

this morning and

don't hurt him say so you heard General

Grant

heard him and seen him right down at

Army Reserve headquarters where Jethro

went he was smoking a big stogie and

stewed to the youth what are you think

about it ain't no girls have to be close

to 150 years old and he ain't got a gray

hair in his hand

drinking man living to be 150 how could

that be

the only way I can explain it is that he

was smoking for Ginny tobacca and

drinking Tennessee whiskey

going back to bed you mean you ain't

gonna fight with your family I've been

fighting with you for two days

and his bushwhacking foreigners my

granny supposing that all this nonsense

you've been talking is true why would

the north want to commence to Frances in

Los Angeles so they can attack

undercover a smog

after the w*r is gonna go hard on you

Yankees sympathizers

sure to appreciate this Miss Gene my

pleasure looks like I'm gonna be on time

for the board of directors meeting after

all did you ever find out what happened

to Jethro well likely Granny's got him

and Elliot Scouting For Yankees just

honestly believe that the north is going

to reopen the Civil w*r he does we'll

get cancer talk are out of it it's Gene

mules come to Granny for stubborn

lessons

he bows and declares she see in General

Ulysses S Grant over at the Army Reserve

headquarters

it's a fine time to show up with a

hangover you were supposed to be at the

Culpepper Plantation at dawn this

morning I couldn't find it it would have

taken you there from the studio I

couldn't find a studio either or where

did you get into your makeup who's

wearing makeup this beard is real oh

please that hurts

but even my hair is sore

oh fine you're in no condition to sh**t

oh yes I am here

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what was that the telephone oh we hear

either answer it or sh**t it

Colonel Blake speaking

okay put him on

you're in for it now the producer is

calling Delta's name hello

as he staggered in here a few minutes

ago

I'll ask him where have you been for the

last two days

it doesn't have any idea where he's been

really

the director just walked off the picture

I'll have him shot but Dave you just

hired me as a technical advisor I'm a

civil w*r expert not a movie director

well yes I suppose I could direct the

battle scene for you

I'll do it only on one condition that

I'm the absolute boss

that means your cousin with a beard ache

will have to do exactly as I say the

deal fine bye

on your feet General

hangover green is going to w*r

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all right General this is your last ride

in the car for a few days from now on

wake up where where are we this is the

Culpepper Plantation which you are going

to capture with a death defying charge

oh

they've got the White Horse ready for

you oh great and not too much soda

you're going to ride it not drink it

you can instead of a white horse could I

have a white flag I'd like to surrender

now

yes yes I'm Foster fenney your assistant

oh glad to meet you what can I do to

help well you can send these technical

fellas and all this equipment back to

the studio we're going to spend the rest

of the day just rehearsing the action

yes sir and there are still a few

mistakes in some of the uniforms may I

go back to get on the horse you're the

biggest mistake in uniforms I don't know

how to ride we'll teach you now you're

going to charge down that hill past the

overseers house through a hail of

b*ll*ts Gallop up to this mansion and

demand the surrender of the Confederate

Commander I don't want all the glory why

can't my Aid Gallop through the hail of

b*ll*ts I would be happy to demand the

surrender the rebel sir I thought I told

you to change into a Confederate uniform

the producer this picture my esteemed

father-in-law said I could be on the

winning side doesn't ever run out of

relatives so cousin bright eye here

leading the charge it may not be the win

inside nevertheless with your kind

permission sir I will be honored to

deliver the surrender Earl tomato listen

Colonel with that accent the only thing

you can deliver is a bucket of fried

chicken

Colonel Blake I've dismissed the crew

and they're loading the equipment good

now uh have one of the Confederate

soldiers change uniforms with Colonel

chitlin here sorry sir the Confederates

aren't here yet the studio bus broke

down oh boy how soon will they be here

I'm pretty sure they're coming on foot

what the wolfer

get on the horse

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hey look coming up the street conference

soldiers

it's our glorious Boys in grave

I'm back Yankee a belly

hello boys are you headed for the

Culpepper Plantation yes ma'am where is

it

just up the street well you better get a

move on General grants likely took the

place by now the last I heard they won't

start sh**ting till after lunch that'll

give us time to get our weapons and join

you hold up till we get there be for

Rich bird

[Music]

thank you

see

what else you're supposed to be at that

board of directors meeting with Mr

clothing I was there just long enough to

learn the situation granny is planning

to battle General Grant and the Union

Army at least Southerners must stick

together in this whole apparel you big

phone are you born in Chicago South

Chicago

no this whole thing is just a figment of

granny's imagination

but a golden opportunity for you all

truly

never again will she draw her money from

my bank and stuff it in her mattress

never again will she urge my largest

depositor to see seed from California

and return to the hills granny can never

forget that when she sung with the alarm

one lone Brave magnificent figure in

Gray stepped forward to stand at her

side on friction

undaunted and unscrupulous get into your

uniform

okay

Mr Drysdale General Millburn Beauregard

Nathan Bedford Stonewall Drysdale

on our side I am on the side of truth

justice honor and victory that's our

shine bless you you're the first to

Rally to our cause I even

second here private

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poor boy he's nothing but getting

involved

have you been in prison son yes a

Commerce Bank

just one of the many faithful employers

who beg to follow their beloved General

into bath would you like to have a g*n

oh boy would I

go guys Dale I owe you an apology

I always thought that you was a man that

only cared about money

perished before and here you are leaving

your bank to fight for the USA

yeah

USA

undefeated Southerners of America

yes oh I only hope I meet Grant face to

face let's drink tonight not for me

Grady I haven't had lunch I've got some

adorations in the pantry Yonder no thank

you go get some yard bird fire Miss Jane

don't you like jerky what can I say I

work for him

they win for a garden oh no thank you

Granny I'll just have some of your

delicious coffee

a soldier's entitled to a little nip

just before the battle General Grant

strange plenty

yeah yes that must be true raise got the

only Army that travels on its liver

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the oven timer hey Granny your mini

ba*ls is done you or me Jane take care

of it I gotta film a first aid kit

this is your first aid kit alcohol is a

Dandy antiseptic

when it's applied internally

granny I got to stop fed and watered it

Mr Drysdale General rise daily and Over

Yonder is private Hathaway

y'all are fighting with us huh like

tigers well come on everybody you're

ready to go where are we going hello

oh sure let's go falling behind your

general

okay start the attack

okay send Grant down the hill again

foreign

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never used a buggy I'm very sure now

let's try it again and this time if you

fall off draw your p*stol and leave the

charge on foot now a sn*per on that roof

will sh**t off your hat you fire at him

and he'll fall in those cotton Bales

that'll be the cue for the cannon to

open up they'll blow off the front door

you fight your way through the rest of

the Confederates Dash into the mansion

and overpower the commanding officer

okay

I'm going to do all of that I've got to

have a double nothing doing it's going

to be you I mean a double Martini get on

that boys I can't keep taking those

Falls you're wearing enough padding to

stop a b*llet come on up and pick up

your wardrobe on the way up there and

please this time try not to lose your

hat

foreign

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let's see the mouse's hands on 11 and

two my name is Taylor's moving down

towards to six

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come on General this is your chance what

what are you talking about

our soldiers didn't have none you mean

someone is actually sh**ting a g*n

granny leave

and if you fall in battle we'll see that

you'll rest in a hero's grave I love

this look at that he's gonna lead us

with cold steel we'll follow you into

the jaws of death

all right everybody back to your places

hello Foster I'm coming up on top of the

hill this time I want to get a bird's

eye view of this Fiasco

everything's quiet sounds like the

battle's over that Cannon turn the tide

is too late oh what a shame Rob to my

finest hour maybe there's still some

Yankees there let's go jump yeah

what happens

for a God right now the Yankees have

rooted the place and moved on that's

their way that's let me reap my

Vengeance on them Blue Devils for my

name isn't Melbourne bull regard Nathan

the Bedford Stonewall

they went that away General I just

remembered

I didn't brush my teeth this morning

[Music]

thank you

our fight's winning granny yeah the

Yankees have fallen back

and looking down here comes General

Grant rally man rally

he's turning the top

I wanted him alive I ain't got no choice

ready naturally look he's getting up I

must have got him in the liver

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he's mine

hey that's pretty close Charlie

yeah

you didn't drop me granny I forgot he's

had 150 years of writing too

he can it rolled out the front door I

see where they firing from I'm gonna

capture that Rascal drowning with mini

ba*ls

head for the house if this r*fle ain't

Reloaded

he's tough but this will stop him

Bullseye

this is

rally boys

gets to running we'd be able to see we

can do it again

well we'd better do what she says she's

one of Babe's relatives charge man

look

I'm into a battle too

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oh I see they were just sh**ting the

movie

well look Miss Jane let's not say

nothing to Granny this has been the

biggest thing in her life I just hope

she wasn't too rough on General Grant

she had blood in her eye when she went

[Applause]

the only honey why did you let Phil

Sheridan plunder it like you've done

because that's all right baby don't you

worry next time I see him I'll have him

shot shall we drink tonight immediately

I think the North and the Sands are done

patch things up for a while

[Music]

thank you

well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is status Bell take your

shoes off you all come back now here

this has been a film wise presentation

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