06x14 - Jethro in the Reserve

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to the story about a man

named Jed to pour a mountaineer barely

kept his family dead and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bumble and crude oil that

is black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

the Kim folk said Jed move away from

there said California is at least you

ought to be sober loaded up the truck in

the mood to Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars the Beverly

hillbilly

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create a Blake good morning Mr Clement

how's everything done Army Reserves much

better now that I've almost finished my

work on that Civil w*r movie oh

I understand Grant and the youngins

jumped right in the middle of that

battle scene you would direct and I'm

awful sorry about that it was just a

rehearsal besides granny did me a big

favor when she captured General Grant

yes he's the producer's cousin and a

terrible actor

well uh

I'd appreciate it if you didn't let on

the granny that he was just an actor you

see she thinks she captured the real

Ulysses S Graham he didn't tell her

well no you see they had a few sips out

of granny's jug and he wound up thinking

he really was Ulysses

before it was over he apologized for

Vicksburg give back Richmond and

promised to sh**t Sherman in Atlanta

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it was in his office that I heard

General Grant planning the attack on the

Culpepper Plantation and he was giving

them advice well granny that was my job

I was uh he was at rant yes you see I am

only a colonel and when the general

asked me for advice it was my job to

give it to him now don't go putting the

blame on Julie Julie

uh General Grant

you liked him

the 150 year old cigar smoking whiskey

drink in South scorching carpet bag and

Yankee General

he ain't a bad short

yes sir oh Grant seemed like a pretty

decent sort of fella I paroled him

didn't I this has been an interesting

slide on the Civil w*r what w*r uh he

meant to say the w*r between the states

it was

you're right granny but I'm sure that

Colonel Blake didn't come over here to

talk about that let's go inside as a

matter of fact I came over to talk about

Jethro joining the Army Reserve

y'all go and sit down I'll see can I

find Jethro thank you he's a fine boy

colonel strong as Ox good Scrapper

that's why I want him you want to see

him at the Battle of the Culpepper

Plantation

the Yankee Cannon single-handed took a

whole g*n crew stacked them up like corn

would yes I know I was there directing

the bat

don't forget I was only taking orders

you were given orders I know General

Grant wouldn't have started that Ruckus

he learned his lesson when the South

whooped him the first time

on you golden that poor old man into

another hopeless Uprising

and he said yes I was going to town good

I don't want him joining the Army

Reserve know-how why not cause it was

them that was trying to get the north to

secede again no wait a minute I'm gonna

write my congressman about it too well

no no no no please please don't do that

I give you my word the Army Reserve had

nothing to do with Grant's attack I'll

believe that when I hear it from Grant

okay okay you'll hear it from the

general himself but just don't write

your Congressman please I'll see you

later

there was no call to jump the colonel

like that you seemed like a real nice

fella besides he's a good friend of Mr

drag to you that cinches it any friend

of General Beauregard Drysdale ain't to

be trusted General Mo regards bulletin

board the coward of Culpepper Plantation

whatever are you talking about he comes

strutting in here wearing the gray

bragging how he'd like to meet Grant

face to face saying that his body would

form a living shield to protect the

flower of Southern Womanhood

but when the sh**ting started he turned

Taylor and run maybe he seen you didn't

need him he was just a small Skirmish

nobody heard nobody hurt men was Fallen

like flies I shot General Grand off his

horse myself if he hadn't been drinking

for 150 years and it k*lled him what you

mean

I hit him in that cast iron level

this is the flower of Southern Womanhood

I am taking my money out of your bank

if I heard a noise

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a 50 should do it

General Grant what happened Ronnie's

drawing your money out of my bank and

it's your fault

whose idea was it to dress me up in a

Confederate General's uniform

idea was it for me to lead the charge

whose idea was it to retreat yours there

you see I'm the only one around here

whoever comes up with an idea

I've just come up with another one oh

granny will love me what is it I'm

taking Grant's picture off the 50 Bill

and replacing it with Robert E Lee

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hello I just got your call I'm back in

the picture huh if you'll do me one

little favor name it go talk to Granny

forget it oh what's the matter that

little woman is dangerous she Wings you

with a shotgun and finishes you off with

her job

she's mad at me she blames the Army

Reserve for that battle of the Culpepper

Plantation tell her it was you tell her

it was a movie then she'll really be mad

the proudest moment of her life was when

she captured General Ulysses S Grant

after she shot me full of lady fingers

I'm still picking crumbs out of my back

the she threatens to ride her

Congressman the newspapers will have a

field day that is your problem I'm not

going near that nutty little brother

well think of the headlines hillbilly

millionaire ambush's Army Reserve

captures General Grant

but I have an instant replay on that

ambush's Army Reserve captures General

Grant no no no they're the flip side

hillbilly millionaire that's the tune it

sing some more well my friend Drysdale

tells me that Clampett is worth about 60

or 70 million dollars and a fourth of

that is Granny's oh let me have that

dear little lady's address you'll go

well after all she captured and paroled

me as An Officer and a Gentleman it is

my duty to report

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good to see you Mr Clinton

and here is my charming conqueror the

beautiful fell of the b*ttlefield oh

what did we interrupt your lunch oh my

goodness that's Jethro's pacifier

Blake wants to talk to Jethro so why

don't you take the general goal or

setting a party on her oh that's that's

an excellent idea General I believe you

were going to explain that the attack on

the Culpepper Plantation was your idea

not the Army reserved oh that's true

true I am to blame I am entirely at

fault now don't go to Fault In Yourself

let's put it this way you still have a

purse

you ain't never won a battle against the

South

the crew boy is all yours uh you'll make

your Dandy Soldier oh I know that I saw

him in action all he has to do now is

take the written test well I won't be no

hell to a stepper like Jethro he's at 12

years of school and graduated highest in

his class I'm embarrassed to even ask

him to come down and take our simple

little test what's he working on oh a

little problem granny gave me Lambert

whooped in no time at all boy takes

deciphering like a mule to millet

get through

the colonel what you're saying oh out of

here hi sit down sit down well we best

start back here at the beginning

say what are you using logarithms

oh no sir this here is a black bird

number one well

with commands with the figure two

100 that is two and two knots

funny thing about them knots by

themselves they were Shucks I'm glad you

lay them up behind a number and them

Rascals is dynamite

and now they here we is dealing with

years if we is dealing with dollars I'd

put me a DOT right here and throw up two

more knots behind it that'd mean I had

two hundred dollars but no sense

did I tell you like a mule to millet

do have to get back to headquarters uh

why don't you come along with me and

we'll get you started on your

qualification test but

in Granny's problem what's our Gentry

you go along with the colonel yes sir no

General Grant I'll see him later you bet

I will now are Colonel about them tests

don't get your hopes up too high you see

Jethro might not be as good as other

things as he is at soccer you're kidding

oh you've got natural gift first you say

he's had 12 years of schooling and

cleaned through the sixth grade

12 years sixth grade when he was the

highest in his class I am good two feet

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and put that silver down you gotta break

yourself of them Yankee habits I I

wouldn't remember you're on parole one

misstep and you're off to Andersonville

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while the sassafras to You Stephen

we'll get some of these questions out of

the way yes ma'am now then since your

capture have you been plotting any more

uprisings again in the South well

absolutely not

have you been concerned with evil

companions like Phil Sheridan and

Tecumseh Sherman

bad boys bad boys

are you prepared to go to the soldiers

home and live peacefully with your wife

well

I

I don't have a wife

forget the old soldier's home

are you presently keeping company with

any woman of the northern faith

there are the power that's vested in Me

by the confederate government I do

hereby extend your parole for a period

of one more week rise and salute the

flag

don't sit there woman help your Gala

wounded leader the chief you can't fool

granny with those phony blood stains

what do you mean funny

when anyone threatens to take 15 million

dollars out of my bank I believe

when Granny hears the story of my

heroism and sacrifice

she will Garland my brow with a

victories

what happened to you caught in a barbed

wire fence running from the battle

you're ready I was executing the fast

flanking movement that's true you got

the fastest moving flanks I ever seen

hear me off dear lady

I left the scene of battle only to

pursue the enemy what anime

our common fool that Arts fiend General

Ulysses S Grant

and chasing him night and day across

burning deserts over snow-capped

mountains through rage and rivers until

at last we had our rendezvous with death

you k*lled him did you he lies in a

grave unmarked and unmourned though

surely wounded I made my way back to the

bank to erase from our national currency

The Last Vestige of his evil continents

you will notice a new picture on our 50

build

Robert E Lee our beloved leader and

that's what I was doing ma'am when you

telephone and so cruelly threatened to

withdraw your money

it was a terrible blow

you think that was a blow wait till you

get this one oh General

you called AC

well one of you not to say now

I believe my dear sweet Saint mother

expressed it best when she said

Beauregard some days it just don't pay

to get out of bed

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well yeah here's your 15 million

I didn't know I had that much I I mean

I'm toasting the people who follow you

and Jeff Davis your faithful 15 million

well

the creek and Down the River goodbye

gulleton hello liver

oh I'm sorry granny I didn't know you

had company Ellie May you're showing

your bare legs I'm sorry I I was just

going swimming

there there don't scold the child why

she's just a baby

healthy little thing isn't she

I'm very fond of children

beard tickles General Grant

why don't y'all come out by the cement

pond it's a real pretty day wonderful

idea I love to watch children at play

Pick Uncle Julie's hand child hold it

you'll leave and they run along

you know sometimes you don't act

147. oh it's just when I see a beautiful

girl in the bathing suit it it makes me

feel young again well why didn't you say

so I still have the bathing suit that I

wore in the beauty contest at Expo 97 in

bugtusta you do I didn't win but I was

voted in this good sport

you ain't here I'll be right back and

I'll run through your beard barefooted

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oh General

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why that old Duffer he is watching

children

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has your daddy ever bounce you on his

knee well now sir General you can call

me Uncle Julie

you're tickling me well I'm kind of

tickled with sail

foreign

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well don't just sit there soldiers say

something put it on put it on

come on granny let's go swimming no

thank you Ellie but the General's gonna

join you oh no I'm not no yes you are

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man

excuse me Colonel Lake but if you finish

grade math test papers yet

yes it was I the highest in the class by

a good half foot if I don't then I can

join up huh Jethro

fortunately we take into consideration

the amount of formal education a boy has

had and we grade on the curve so you are

eligible to join hey that's well however

before I administer the oath there are a

couple of things I'd like to discuss

with you yes sir oh let's take your

application uh you're going to be

filling out a lot of other forms and I

want to give you a tip well thank you

name address date of birth that's okay

but Jethro where it says sex write mail

not oh boy

I'm sorry now then on your mathematics

test you at least tried to answer every

question except one I'll read it if a

leaves Chicago for Kansas City at 10 30.

Oh you mean a trick question

trick question sure it didn't say a what

a bird can get to Kansas City a heap

quicker than a turtle I was too smart to

bite on that

raise your right hand

really sure do thank you Colonel Blaker

when do I leave for army camp we'll let

you know Jethro the reserve is pretty

full up right now oh well thanks again

General Grant you're all wet oh your

grandmother wears army boots

Where Have You Been crossing the Potomac

never mind I kept my part of the bargain

now when do I go back to the Culpepper

Plantation and start sh**ting right away

are you sober enough to make that

death-defying charge this time I have

never been so disgustingly sober in my

whole life

you got anything I can take for it not

me

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yeah boy how'd you make out of the Army

Reserve I got in I don't took the oven

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we'll have us a real wing ding to

celebrate

ready guess who I saw down there the

General Grant that parole Buster you

ain't just a joke he's fixing to attack

the Culpepper place again

no yeah I heard him say so myself he's

going to make his death defying charge

again

thanks the squirrel r*fle and the lady

finger b*ll*ts this time I won't aim for

his liver

and look granny yandere comes

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okay General I give you your chance

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tell me to put it on put it on come on

Jethro let's go home

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and he promised me he'd be sober

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well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is Sarah spell take your

shoes off y'all come back now here

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been a film wise president

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