07x07 - The Italian Cook

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to the story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bubbling crude oil that is

black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

the Kim folks said Jed move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be solder loaded up the truck

in the moods of Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars The Beverly

Hillbillies

foreign

what are you doing I'm taking you home

so you can cook for me and take care of

me oh you're mad I thought you was bored

mother always wanted a big wedding but

if you insist will he low

I'm awful sorry you got the wrong notion

Miss Jane you see I ain't got marriage

in mind and just cooking and such oh I

see Granny hasn't returned from

Petticoat Junction and Ellie's trying to

take her place and it's pitiful well how

was your uncle Chad managing I ain't

seen much of him since Ellie commands

cooking he's got his hiding places I got

mine

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hi come to the kitchen

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I cooked some fiddles for you

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oh really uh doing the oh I'm just

getting rid of a few of these ants here

I don't say no I

oh

done a good job tonight sure I did and

as a reward I'm gonna give you a devil

happen of what I just cooked

oh Ellie uh I don't think I'm up to

eating a full meal right now why don't

you just heat me up I can of that fine

tomato soup that's in there in the

cupboard oh but I fixed you a special

treat that I might up all by myself

call it my surprise loaf

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oh

oh Ellie I just thought of something

yesterday was going to be awful hurt if

I eat without him I'll go find a boy oh

get the line here he took the truck and

left

when you do that well I think it was

right after I told him I was going to

cook a surprise now

more likely

that's right operator she's at the Shady

Rest Hotel in Petticoat Junction but the

nearest phone is at Sam drucker's store

in Hooterville

huh uh thank you bye

this is going to get a message to Granny

to come to town and call

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hi granny

howdy Mr Drucker did you sing for me

well yeah granny but how'd you get here

so fast I run it's only six miles why

didn't you catch the train I did

I caught it and I passed it

uh Sarah this is Sam that's Sarah

Granny's here now so you can get a hold

of that Beverly Hills operator and have

her call us back huh

thanks Eric

well granny house Betty Joe's baby oh

just fine and dandy

now now there was something wrong

something wrong

Mr Drucker what I'd done for that baby

is a miracle

a magical Miracle what was wrong what

did you do oh sorry I can't tell you

that would be violating the confidence

between the patient and the doctor

I wish I could tell you but me being a

physician my lips are sealed

you understand oh of course

but it was one doozy of a miracle

now if you was another doctor I could

tell you

have you ever been a doctor

ever been a patient oh yeah oh well then

I won't be violating the confidence

between the doctor and the patience

thank you

Mr Drucker

in all my 60 years of Doctrine I have

never been so shook up as I was the

first time I peeked into that crib and

saw Betty Joe's baby it looked for all

the world

like a Airedale puppy

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[Applause]

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for the sake's alive and I thought

Chester who was an ugly baby

you see it looked like an Airedale puppy

and not even the pic of the litter but I

brought it back to normal with my

Miracle medicine

see Granny as I remember you left your

spectacles and Andy Partners didn't he

so it just could be do you think I need

these I got eyes like a hawk I only use

them for professional reasons don't

trust a young looking Doctor

I bet that's your call from Beverly

Hills I'll get it ready

yeah this is Granny who's talking this

is Sam Drucker but it ain't neither Sam

drucker's right here with me

hello hello hello

oh yeah right here Sarah Granny it's

your call from Beverly Hills well you

take this vote and tell that smart alec

that it's against the law to play pranks

on doctors and firemen I'll do that

hello hello Granny but this here's

Jethro speak up boy we got a bad

connection

oh no you don't now I got strict orders

from Sam not to let you loose in the

store or come here

come on

last time you went through a whole sack

of dog biscuits remember

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thank you that's a better connection Hi

Sam granny well if it isn't a proud

father say that those things come in

that we ordered for the baby yeah

they're in the back how's Betty Joe oh

she's fine the baby had a bad night oh

yeah I started howling about three this

morning kept it up till Dawn

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foreign

what do you want you gotta come home and

cook for us we need you something

desperate not as desperate as they need

me here cooks are a dime a dozen but

where can the parents of that poor

blighted baby get another miracle

working doctor

okay come on back here

wait little baby wait that little woman

might be horny but it's the fastest

crawler I've ever seen

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now here's what I want in the telegram

please granny rush home at once or

you'll find your family starved to death

or even worse it's on that Jed clamp

thank you thank you

I think I have the solution to your food

problem this is a an employment agency

where you can hire Mage cooks and all

domestic health well Miss Jane I think

you don't save my life I'm not gonna

thank you as the bird says

with hugs and kisses deaths are paid

when settling scored fixed man and mean

hot dog I'll be sure and hire a pretty

one

how come you're taking so long to eat

that tomato soup well I hear that eating

slow has certain benefits but if you

don't hurry you ain't gonna never get to

my surprise though

there's one

now get ready here it comes

oh doggy so that's your surprise Lou yes

sir my facing for you

how about that

well go ahead it's waiting for you so it

is

innocent looking

interesting looking at it yeah like

yourself on the hook

all right

foreign

hey

I better rush right out to my workbench

and half sold that recipe oh you can do

that after you eat your surprise now oh

no that looked good with some parsley on

it why don't you run out and pick

something okay Paul I'll hurry no no

take your time don't snatch it up by the

roots

thank you

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thank you

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thank you

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where's Danny that's what you call a

real soul food

out here in the kitchen Jethro

look again if I got a surprise

I don't think I can stand another one

today where did you see her ER Miss

James sent me to an employment agency so

I hired us the imported cook direct from

Italy yeah bet you're in boy she don't

speak much English but I don't learn to

Italian just to do but yeah you got to

remember this is the brain of a sixth

grader now watch I'm gonna call her in

and genuine I tell you

a Bambina I'm bringing yourself into the

kitchen so that's Italian for kitchen

pick up them four languages just like

that

ain't she stopping mighty pretty girl

and she can cook huh fiddles is all she

thinks about watch this

howdy ciao

too much to mentioned ciao at least it

doesn't die today already

senior Maria

this here's my Uncle Jed Addie ciao see

There She Goes Again

you see oh I ain't too sure Uncle Jed I

don't understand Italian as good as that

talking

well he's Mighty pleased to have you

here Mr uh

that's probably something she's going to

cook for us

well Ellie uh come on over meet this

young lady

senior Maria this is my cousin Ellie

howdy ciao

she does have riddles on her mind yeah

she's gonna cook us up the storm oh

what's wrong with my cooking shall I

tell her you better let me really

you're cooking is in a class by itself

ain't nobody can touch it that's the

truth but you see um this young lady is

new in our country and she needs all the

experience she can get oh well fine I

to make my surprise I believe I had hold

off on that first Builder why don't you

take the young lady up to your room and

make her comfortable oh yes sir pop

come out senior Maria we'll see you

later for ciao oh ciao

what'd you do that oh that means

something in Italian I don't know what

but they all do it

she all told her suitcases up to the

room

I wonder what I just said

foreign

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[Applause]

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hi darling got the new nursing bottles

how's the baby sleeping thank goodness

hello boy honey I wouldn't hold him I

think he's got fleas again really yeah

well there's still some of that insect

repellent that Granny brewed up oh yeah

what she calls her Miracle medicine come

on boy let's give Granny's cure another

try no no no you sit right here you had

a rough night

hello little Mama hello Granny I heard

that you had a bad night last night yes

we did I think it was colic

did you say colic

or colleague

did your husband get home with the

little fella yet

yes weren't you with them on the train

no I cut through the woods to look for

some roots and some yards I gotta Brew

up another batch of my Miracle medicine

oh there's still some left Steve just

went in to use it on the little flea

trap

oh honey don't call that precious little

doll in a flea trap oh I call him all

kinds of things but I love the little

mud

well there's one thing about you

youngins of today you've got the courage

to face the truth in my day we'd have

kept him upstairs in a room with the

shades drawn I wouldn't do that I think

he's cute there's nothing mightier than

the power of Mother Love

any joke sit down honey

I want to talk to you about your family

plans have you and your husband thought

about having any more youngins oh yes we

want to have a large family

in spite of what happened last night oh

sure you can't expect a baby to be

perfect

yeah but they don't have to miss by that

much

the way Steve and I feel we want to have

a dozen more just like the first one

honey courage is one thing but

foolishness is another well I guess it

doesn't that's an exaggeration good girl

but at least four or five now you're

heading in the right direction

the crew's ready for a stroll

in my Miracle medicine work oh it sure

did granny

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again

I mean you've done it again

come on family pumping back in what's

the matter my family

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do you understand what she was talking

about not a word but you have to admit

there hasn't been a dull moment since

she came to visit yeah someday we ought

to visit her planet

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see you later girls

you can put that silly looking hat back

on your head you're fired leaving our

desk during your lunch break

but cheap where were you having lunch

that's no excuse

the fine thing you gorgeous yourself are

my largest depositor starves yeah that

magnificent multi-millionaire loses so

much as one ounce you'll spend 30 days

in the vault counting nickels the tea

with the lights out

emergency granny called here she said

you had to get home from Louisville

right away oh you know where Hooterville

is no neither does anyone else boy I had

to move Heaven and Earth to arrange

transportation for that little woman

she's traveling by hand car horseback

motorcycle and a crop dusting plane out

of the Napa Sonoma Valley

foreign

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[Applause]

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oh boy

do you have any idea what these travel

arrangements are going to cost

no well you will because it's going to

come out of your salary

you've had again I can't afford a tab

like this

so if you brought this all on yourself

by panicking there is no emergency at

the Clampetts what are you babbling

about granny said they were starving a

false alarm I sent Jethro to an

employment agency he hired a cook and

she's there now do you mean to say that

Granny's going to come home and find

another woman in her kitchen

it'll come out of your unemployment

check

I declare them it's just about the best

middles I ever tasted me too Paul a

compliment to cook in her native

language hey Bambina this is stuff is

what you call a delish That's Italian

for good let's use it next Dolce

what you see oh something about a friend

of her's name is Tony

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if you could cook like that girl you'd

have to beat the boys off of the club I

know Paul

could have learned me how to make that

veggie

she's right tasty boy you do a couple of

rooms got their soup is what you call

mine strong and the spring is dope is

what us Italians call Spaghetti

you are Italian now

I told her I would see I aims to marry

her Italians is kind of clean

listen young lady you pack your things

and you get

Italiano

marinara

um

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foreign

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laughs

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I think I busted my leg

I can't let that stop me now I gotta

save my kinfolks it's likely wasted away

the Skin and Bones by now

I'll get it Uncle Jeff

or starving Devils I hope one of them

has the strength to crawl to the door

and let me in

oh hi granny what are you doing here I'm

here to shave yeah we don't need to save

it

don't you want to go back to Hooterville

our nation has drove him mad he's eaten

a tree limb

please pass me some more of that

spaghetti

who is at the door nobody important

what's that gravy on it

that paint red grape that's what you

call marijuana sauce

I marry up with that Italian doll

you want to come live with us or you aim

to live right here

foreign

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I said it granny signed Uncle Jed's name

to it so you'd pay attention why are you

miserable walking desert I'm gonna beat

that sixth grade brain of yours clean

down to the kindergarten

now it's coming

well fine have Tony sit right there in

Jethro's Place yeah he won't be coming

back for a while all he does he's gonna

eat standing up

foreign

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they would like to thank you folks for

kindly dropping in you're all invited

back next week to this locality to have

a heap and helping of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is set a spell take your

shoes off y'all come back now here

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