07x11 - The Courtship of Homer Noodleman

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to a story about a man

named Jed to pour a mountaineer barely

kept his family fed and then one day he

was sh**ting at some food and up to the

ground from a bubbling crude oil that is

black gold Texas Tea well the first

thing you know old Jeb's a millionaire

looking folks said Jed move away from

there said California is a place you

ought to be so overloaded up the truck

in the mood to Beverly Hills that is

swimming pools movie stars The Beverly

Hillbillies

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I'm the first real live big time

Hollywood producer director these are

the little country girls I've ever seen

sorry boy but we do have to go but why I

don't got myself engaged to four of them

there's four reasons right there well I

should do how to leave there he wants to

be my sweetheart you think you're

leaving the sweetheart mine is the Town

store keeper the postmaster the

newspaper publisher and Banker well it

is if we're leaving forever we'll be

back

oh maybe it's Christmas

but right now we got to bring Miss

Jean's car back to her

hi there hello

well good morning

say Ellie Mae I think ebb is waiting in

the back room to tell you goodbye oh

thank you Mr Joker Mighty sorry to see

you folks leaving for Beverly Hills so

soon well it ain't from choice I don't

know when we met a nice bunch of people

I only feel the same way about you

you ain't gonna forget me area you

saying

well most likely the other way around

granny you living there in the movie

Capital surrounded by all them matinee

Idols ah I've had my fill of them

Hollywood glamor boys like

bull Montana

at my age I'm looking for more than just

a pretty face

excuse me but uh before I forget I'd

like to add a little something to the

savings account granny started for the

baby oh fine Mr Clampett I'll open my

bank for business there's a couple

hundred here fine just drop it right

there in the vault did you go to counter

Mr Clampett if you say it's a couple of

hundred it's a couple of hundred

here's your deposit

Mr trucker Mr Drucker I can't find him

no place

well that's funny he was here at 5 30

this morning with his chin hanging down

to here because he was leaving well

we'll see him next trip let's be on our

way

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I can owe you for some apples oh they're

on the house that's right Uncle Jet and

word gets around to the big Hollywood

producer director endorses his apples

and they'll go like that he's going like

that anyway and that's the way we ought

to go come on

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suitcases in the trunk I did looks like

they don't want to leave neither

am

howdy Jethro are we there already

where's Ellie here I am

you got to marry me now you don't took

me across the state line

hey you know something Beverly Hills

looks a lot like Hooterville this is

Hooterville

oh

take me home with you Ellie okay

oh Ellie

sorry him

and drop me off in Morocco I'm gonna

join the French Foreign Legion aren't

that dangerous yeah but maybe ducking

b*ll*ts will take my mind off of you

yeah Mr Douglas called looking for you

you got chickens to clean and corn to

shuck

this is a moment of great decision I

don't know whether to be a chicken

plucker corn shucker or b*llet Ducker

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hey Goodbye Mr Drucker sorry to have to

leave but our next door neighbor Mr

dreidel is looking after our place and

he's feeding Ellie's Critters I think he

got his hands full

watch it watch it just the feed not the

fingers

I told your driver to pick us up in half

an hour Chief okay help me feed all

these Critters

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ERS eat I've been trying to get them to

eat those Critters this place is a zoo

did you know that Ellie has a full-grown

bear where is he upstairs I had to give

him breakfast in bed he sleeps in the

house he sleeps any place he wants to

well cheer up the clavics will soon be

back they're never coming back they're

in the clutches of Boss Drucker boss

Drucker he's got the tunnel who to fill

in his pocket store keeper postmaster

George Banker oh what a crook he is not

a crook he is too I found out he pays

four percent interest every Banker but

you pays four percent

yeah all alone I am holding the line

against inflation

remarks I still say they'll be back not

a chance if Drucker doesn't keep him

there that sneaky baby will are you

referring to that darling little Kathy

Joe that kid is another bunny Parker and

that's my bank she's kind of Rob

she is two months old and already she

has her beady little eyes and dead

Clampett's money

where are you going it's the Bear's

lunch time and he does not like to be

kept waiting

say what I'm telling you

look at him sitting here like a king on

a throng

how clever he's asking you to come up

and feed him he's not asking he's

commanding all right I'm coming I'm

coming I'm back to bed

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he's cute hey he's rotten spiral of Rock

I understand the honey but why the cigar

he smokes in bed

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your shirt's torn you should see these

bad sheets

rotten bear rotten well let me trim his

nails oh why did we become violent he

doesn't like the way I tucked in the

corners when I made his bed I I hate to

mention this but I'm afraid you forgot

this little critter oh I'll never forget

this little critter we had Thanksgiving

dinner together really yes everybody

else had turkey and dressing I had

bananas and bamboo shoots

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I'm not eating with you today

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I tell you Miss Hathaway I've just about

it

oh no

what is it what now he wants me to give

him his bath

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all right get the tub I'll be right up

grenade this one lies awake thinking of

things from either dough

ah nuts to it I've had it he might

become violent again okay what have I

got to live for now she

I took a family of poor uneducated

Backwoods bumpkins and gave them all

this what I get to return bankruptcy you

are not bankrupt well I will be as soon

as Jed Clapper transfers is 80 minutes

oh how sharper than a Serpent's tooth is

an ungrateful hillbilly

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Chief nothing has happened it's all in

your head it's in my heart the pain the

Deep Hurd of ingratitude what was Jed

clapping when I found him a millionaire

and without me where would those

Millions be in another bag throwing four

percent

how sharper than an ungrateful hillbilly

is a smart mouth secretary

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all right dessert me all of you but

they'll come a day of reckoning The

Wheel of Fortune turns

someday after that Hooterville

highbinder Shifty Sam trucker has

squeeze and dry shed clap it will come

to me on his knees and beg me to make

him Rich again and you know what I'll do

I'll lay up in his face and I'll say Oh

Mr clever jokes

Gene believe it or not he's laughing in

your face

there's a snapshot of just throwing the

Bradley girl why aren't they pretty

beautiful girls here's a picture of

granny's Prada

isn't that darling

granny you look just like a child bride

with your first baby

you know who this is

judging from the noble brow honest eyes

and saintly expression I'd say he's a

minister

you know Shifty Sam

oh who was this well that's Ellie's

friend Dave what do you mean friend

they've practically engaged to get

married

you're kidding this hey seed well

there's a heat better than anything you

come up with well I didn't seven years

you've been promising to get a fella for

Ellie well where is he well he's he's a

don't worry I I found one well you're

too late we don't want any of your

shitty Slickers if it's a good honest

hard-working Farm Boy now that's a

perfect description of the fellow I've

got well you can keep them now hold on

granny ain't nothing official yet

between Ellie and ebb who's your young

fella well that's a surprise right Miss

Hathaway oh complete surprise say he's a

real country boy granny he was born so

far out in the country that the sun used

to set between his house and Tahoe it's

a fur piece yeah

well let's go get him Miss Hathaway you

hold him and I'll put shoes on him

sound like he's found a country boy

granny sians believe it he's been

barking for seven years and he ain't

treated nothing yet be nice for Ellie to

have a choice

ebb's a nice young fellow but if brains

was large he wouldn't grease too big a

pan

it's Beverly Hills

the way

do you want to bear and that

Thanksgiving dinner with an eight

nothing is impossible

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[Applause]

what's going on here back to the

secretarial pool

you better run along any old grub drums

here

goodbye did she where is she goodbye

Genie scramsy Ramsay are your friends he

wired Z yes sir what's the idea just

getting home from an all-night party oh

it just came from the set my agent

reminded me it's Contract Signing Time

so it is

so it is

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yes I think it will work

Homer Homer

that's your real name Homer noodleman

from Peoria Illinois I changed my name

to dash rip Rock I'm changing it back oh

no you're not it's only temporary after

the wedding you'll be known as Mr Ellie

May Clapton I'm not going to marry Ellie

May Clampett you're going to propose

what if she says yes then you'll be a

very rich young Farm man

I'm a movie star not unless we renew

your contract

please tell me what you're trying to do

yes I'm trying to keep the Clampetts in

Beverly Hills and they're 80 million

dollars in my bank in order to do that I

need a country boy to court Ellie May I

was born and raised in the city yes I

know that and you know that but the

Clampetts don't know that they know I'm

Dash rip Rock the Hollywood Playboy not

anymore you are now Holland noodleman

the Peoria plowboy

the passionate plowboy from Peoria

he's hankering to court Ellie me

oh you're joking you'll never get away

with it see I told you dash rip Rock

could convince the Glamis that he's a

country boy

just a minute

you don't seem to think I can do it oh

of course you couldn't the collabers

would spot you in an instant Miss

Hathaway you are talking about one of

the finest young actors of our day but

you've always said that he was

one-dimensional personally I don't

believe it this boy has scope he has

death he has talent he can play any part

I refuse to listen to any more slander's

statements about this potential Academy

Award winner yes the name is Homer man

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all right Homer now you'll go in there

and give the performance of your career

and and don't forget that many Pearl

greeting I gave you I'll do my best Mr

Drysdale but I'm used to working from a

script aha there's no problem I've

written down a few key country

Expressions I'll uh I'll put them in the

crown of your hat so whenever you're in

doubt you can just take a look

well back so soon that's right Mr

Clampett and here's the farm boy that's

going to make Ellie May forget all about

Ed oh shake hands with Homer noodleman

hey Mr noodleman

you eat like that movie fella hey it's

your rip Rock yes he used to be but he's

given that up to return to his first

love farming

well doggy you farm boy

Izzy so I don't know what you've been

doing today Homer

I've been out to slap in the hole

I believe you meant to say slurping the

hog no he means slapping they were in

the car that makes sense I've slapped

mini a hog out of corn come on in

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ready let's drive here Captain's already

fetched over a fella for Ellie May

granny shake hands with Homer noodleman

you any kind of mini pearl

just a minute

ah your dash rip Rock the movie actor oh

not anymore he's going back to the life

he loves farming is that true Jack

that's what he said did you ever shoe a

mule oh yes ma'am uh sh**t him out of my

corn just today you better put a fence

around that corn to extra mules and the

Hogs you ain't gonna have none left

I'll go fetch Ellie Mae

say Homer I'll bet the smell of granny's

middle is cooking remind you of all it

sure does we you stay to supper I'd be

Mighty proud to ma'am we're having child

belly and dandelion greens and goat

tribe oh second thought

I got to be home at suppertime to

um

melt the crows milk the crows oh the

cows cows

talks through his hat a lot he's just

shy granny a typical country boy well go

shut down I'll get you both a cup of

coffee foreign

belly and dandelion greens hey who's

that rub that's Homer noodleman that

used to be Dash rip Rock's name before

Dash

sweetie baby what happened to you

oh I'll get it you're playing a part in

a movie nope this is the real me I give

up movie making going back to firemen

that's right Jethro but you can't do

this to me sweetheart I told him Dallas

and Hooterville if they come to

Hollywood I'd introduce him to day

Shiprock the movie star I'm sorry

partner from now on I'm just plain old

hold down Homer and I'm going to be true

to one girl Ellie Mae Clement

has he been taken some

is he on one of them trips

now he's the country boy here to court

me

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I'm leaving home first to find a bear in

my bed then Dash rip rocking overhauls

his name is Linda

no ma'am that's a rat

son that's what I started to say that's

a rat cute possum

I told you he was a country boy now why

don't you two young people go sit in the

Parlor okay come on Ellie May you ain't

gonna sit in the parlor with that

varmender you

well Paul said he was here to court me

guys Dale

if he's a farm boy I'm a chorus girl

well he's been away for some time but

now that his father's getting old

yes it's a wonderful man soul of the

earth you'd love him I want to meet him

well I I'm I'm afraid that's impossible

you see

hello

well Sam Drucker how are you fine granny

yeah I just wanted to tell you Amber's

run away from the farm we think maybe

he's coming to Beverly Hills to court

Ellie good Sam thinks ebb's coming to

court Ellie what

sooner the better Sam there's another

fella out here courtner but he ain't

going to get no place without we meet

his paw I don't raise it I'll arrange it

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I want you to meet one of the finest old

gentlemen it has ever been my pleasure

to know Homer's father Mr Noble

noodleman hey come in come in granny

said they expect you yeah

sounds like Homer come by that honest

it's an honest family like father like

son hey if you're wanting to meet you

I'll go fetch you sit in

Chief I hope this works it's already

working don't forget our bargain I'll

keep my hand now you bring this off and

I'll give you the sweetest rule you have

ever seen how about giving it to me now

this is nothing the rule I'm giving you

is big enough to choke a horse how

settle for that one

there he is Granny Homer's paw Noble

noodleman

hi kid Homer does come by it honest come

on in the Parlor and shut down Noble

well hold on granny the Young Folks is

courting in there oh I forgot well come

on

I go try

yeah oh Mr noodleman you know you'd love

Granny's saw belly and goat tribe I know

thank you Lord are you eating company

around here you is one of us come on

here

here excuse me Mr Drysdale could I ask

you a favor no certainly Jethro well

there's this big sack of sweet rolls in

the back seat of your car could I have

one that's my sweet roll

shame on you boy I ain't never seen

rolls like this before Uncle Jed they

was big enough to choke a horse

no difference

gee whiz all I did was ask for a roll

I'm hoping forgive the boy I like him

he's a lot better than my rotten kid

he didn't mean it oh yeah I did

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he's having one of his spells I better

take him out in the fresh air somebody

they're yelling about me yeah I was

who is this old clown

he doesn't even recognize his own father

shameful you're a rotten Homer you're a

rotten hug slapping kid who is this old

man

what he called me oh he's a rotten hog

slapping kids

this is the family's crap

please

hello father got a lot of gumption now

you're throwing rolls of Mr driving

or gentlemen have such a rotten son

remember the boys went away from the

farm too long

forget him honey yeah go back to your

possum you're better off

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well now it's time to say goodbye to Jet

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is set a spell take your

shoes off I'll come back now here

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