08x11 - Midnight Shorty

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to the story about a man

named Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept

his family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food and up to the

grounds

all that is black gold Texas Tea well

the first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the kinfolks said can't move

away from there said California is a

place you ought to be solder loaded up

the truck in the mood to Beverly Hills

that is swimming pools movie stars The

Beverly Hillbillies

foreign

at some shitty woman

oh I'm sorry old fella I didn't mean to

fly off the hand let you like that but I

didn't get one week of sleep last night

and I'm on edge this morning

go ahead and grow I know it's your job

good morning ready hey are you gonna do

something about it or ain't you

well I'm gonna do something about it

well it's high top I hope you realize

it's all your fault oh I do I do good

just one question what is it it's all my

fault that I'm going to do something

about it shorty kellums that's what he's

been in and out of this house

yeah granny I wouldn't fall shorty too

much he ain't never been out of the Hill

he just come down here to Hollywood

himself a little flame

[Music]

our front door at four o'clock in the

morning with a young woman sitting out

there smooching do you call that a

little fling you've seen him did you

with my own two eyes

I'm shot granny

I didn't think you could see out front

from your room that's got nothing to do

with it it was the most disgusting

disgraceful sight I wanted to cover my

eyes why didn't you cause I'd have fell

off the roof

I just happened to be sitting up there

on the roof at four o'clock in the

morning don't try to change the subject

somebody's got to protect the morals of

the young folks in this house

do you want them to see shorty shameful

carries on I don't reckon they did it

was sitting up there on the roof with

you

I'm sorry I'm too tired to drive you

home but you go ahead and take the car I

know you got to get to work to the bank

thank you shorty you're welcome Judy

I'm Gloria

oh yeah Genie was my 12 o'clock date

where's that Patricia no it was Helen

Patricia is the one I took home on the

way to pick you up pick me up till 4 30

this morning I don't like sharing you

with those other girls now don't go to

griping I won't even put your name in

the hat tonight oh I'm sorry darling

please don't be angry forgive me

sweetheart

I promise not one more gripe

I wouldn't mind one more I promised not

another gripe I didn't mean to gripe it

and I meant to grab it

oh

well let's see

I give you 6 30 to 8 30. that's so short

so am I you looking for quality or

Quality quality I'll take it

another country in

thank you shorty and and please don't be

sensitive about your Heights

I'm mad about you shorty we'll see you

tonight sweetheart

Angel doll

[Music]

it's me granny riding early as usual

beautiful morning I'd have been down

sooner but I was doing my deep breathing

exercise

foreign

had a good night's sleep did you oh yeah

I'm full of ginger oh was that her name

Laura nobody shorty kellums shame on you

Tom Cat around all night now you come to

the kitchen Jen has a few words

shorty sneaking in and she's really

giving him the tickets where are they

she's dragging him toward the kitchen I

think she's going to whoop it maybe you

best go outside hey should I cut her a

switch maybe she's going to turn him

across her knee right here in the

kitchen

[Music]

oh yeah okay Chad you got a weapon wait

outside Jethro oh let me watch outside

get fire early used to watch when I got

a weapon I never get to have any fun

all right naughty little rascal tell Jen

where you was all night well

Mr Drysdale throw this wild Hollywood

party down to his bank and

and all the girls just seemed to go

crazy for me and wanted to know what I

was doing after the orgy what's a orgy

oh it's fun Jed fun these all these

girls real Beauties and he plays music

in in dances and drops scrapes in your

mouth get to last night well anyways

every one of the girls wanted to date

with me but there's about eight of them

and I ain't as young as I used to be so

only dated four

well I took out the first girl from six

to nine and the second girl from nine to

twelve just a minute didn't I hear you

roasting around my kitchen about nine

yes Mom I got a mind hungry so I snuck a

cookie out of the cookie jar

and I took out the second girl and we

danced till 12. and then

come back and snuck another cookie

then I took out the third girl and we

didn't get back till four she likes to

never turn me loose then then you snuck

another cookie

yes Mom then I took out the fourth girl

very big Rascal like to hug me to death

we just got home

all right Jed you heard him

sure did you gonna do something about it

I sure am come here shorty

dad you ain't gonna hit him with that

skillet

well I'm gonna fry him some eggs you

can't keep going like that on cookies

all right step in here all four of you

big

[Music]

I just found these four girls asleep at

their desks I expect disciplinary action

to be Swift and severe see to it the

firing squad that's right fire the whole

Squad

perhaps you should hear that's hot in

the story I am in no mood to listen to

their lame excuses we're probably out

all night that's true but we were

Entertaining Mr callums he deposited 200

million dollars with you you told us to

be nice to him yes we did it for the

bank

let me point out the financial Facts of

Life to you for sleepyhead chief

now that Mr callum's 200 million is

safely in my bank

there's no longer any need to be nice to

him

yesterday when we were wooing Mr

kellum's account

you were four beautiful alluring

seductresses today you are four

unemployed gold bricks out

isn't that beautiful

eleven hundred and eighty dollars

eleven hundred and eighty dollars what

happened with the 200 million apparently

he didn't deposit his big money

ladies beautiful alluring seductresses

come back you beautiful bonus baby

you say bonus babies that's right

there's a bonus in it for the baby who

gets Mr kellums to deposit his big

bottle in my bank

Miss Hathaway these girls are gonna have

the day off so they can rest and catch

up on their beauty sleep who's gonna do

this

yes

[Music]

I had

[Music]

hey

what you doing

I'm sneaking my 200 out of granny's Root

Cellar and she sees me she'll give me

the Dickens again did she what yeah you

know but she's mad enough to why'd you

take it out of the root cell it's all I

got left to put the rest of my money Mr

dryer deals Bank

shorty it's these them big dollar bills

you had hit in your mind for 40 years

you don't want to spend these no I don't

want to but I got six days tonight I

might have to borrow a couple of these

why don't you draw some money out of

debate

yes oh as tired as I am I don't dare go

down there them girls are pounced on me

like chickens on the grasshopper

tell me your secret why is all them

girls after you

well

this way I can explain it is

someone's got it and some ain't I got it

a couple years I just got two dogs on

matcha shorty

girl on the phone wants to talk to you

see what I mean

won't give me nowhere else to go

oh hi shorty darling this is Gloria

listen I'll bring your car right over I

don't need it

lamb every moment away from you is

t*rture

oh shorty when you say my name it just

gives me Goosebumps all over your case

that's a lot of Goosebumps

big and gent

oh what's that toy

you'd like to take me to Las Vegas

you'll love Las Vegas shorty they have

wonderful shows and big beautiful

swimming pools and the cutest little

wedding chapel

now now we'll talk about it when I get

there

oh hi

big snake you're out to marry that rich

little robe that's the laugh can you

imagine those two getting married they

look like Mutt and gem

for 200 million I'll walk down the aisle

on my knee

come on Joy please tell me your secret

huh yeah bro

leave me alone I'm tired I need my rest

I got a big night ahead of me that's

what's driving me crazy look at the two

of us I got the size I got the looks I

got the youth and I got the girls

thank you

rainbow baby come down shorty darling

girls I'm kind of why don't you

entertain Jethro here while I catch you

a little now

yeah here I am entertain me

get lost

hey how about you entertain me later

I'll read you the comic

all right

granny darling how's my favorite girl

don't you touch me you dirty old man

it's me Melvin drives day you mean

Melbourne orgy it was you that started

shorty callums down in the Primrose path

with that wild Hollywood party

it was you that introduced him to them

Huskies that work at your bank granny

they're the nicest girls you'd ever want

to meet I just met four of them and they

almost trampled me getting at him oh you

must be mistaken why they're not

aggressive or pushy

their sweet young dog

now

with the old rooster

what's the matter with Mr Collins no no

I'm just told where are they taking Las

Vegas I'll put him down

what's the matter you don't want to go

to Las Vegas they have gambling there

they do yes hot dog next to women that's

my favorite thing

but you may lose I generally do Lucky

love and lucky it cards

my bank is the best place for your money

oh I don't ain't draw nothing out of

your bank

I'm gonna take my big money to Las Vegas

but Las Vegas sounds like fun gambling

shows and swimming pool you can have all

that right here I promise we'll bring

Las Vegas to you

you know right out beside Mr Clapp it's

a beautiful swimming pool

Las Vegas will be recreated

just for you

[Music]

is this a stroke of Genius halfway with

one brilliant idea I kept shorty from

taking his 200 million to Las Vegas and

I've gotten back in good with Granny

could you win

If This brilliant idea of yours is rated

it could be very serious it's a

calculated risk to land a 200 million

dollar account it could mean a year in

prison oh stop worrying I've got great

attorneys they'll get you off with six

months

but with this brain you don't think I

rented this stuff in my name

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

that's where I got this wheelbarrow full

of nickels well it looked like you got

cheated

promises your fruit cherries oranges

plums but all that comes out of the dirt

things is these nickels ready

hold on boy where do you think you're

going going up to the swimming pool

sounds like he's having fun down there

yes bro you don't want to go down there

why not it's no place for a boy like you

they is girls running around with little

short skirts and there's other girls

wearing nothing but skimpy little

bathing suits there's some girls that

don't eat it I don't hardly think you're

discouraging the boy

I got a chore for you I want you to

count them nickels for me okay Greg

right away

you're going you want to caught him out

by the swimming pool count them in the

Parlor then I want you to take them to

the market and buy that fruit I was

cheated out gee whiz I never get to have

any fun the whole place is crawling with

girls and I went up with a bunch of

nickels

you have got to do something about

shorty he's acting prom Loco yeah does

seem like Hollywood is going to his head

of mine send him back to the hills where

he belongs he just got here besides he's

bound to slow down pretty soon if he

don't he's gonna collapse I am a doctor

and I know that there's just so much

that a human body can

hold on where do you think you're going

out to the pool to join the fun you

ain't gonna have no fun out there why

not cause you ain't going the dice for

Mr Collins please

uh I left all my money in the house oh

well allow me

twenty dollars oh what's twenty dollars

between a banker and his biggest

depositor I kind of doubt if I'm the

biggest I'm only five foot three

[Laughter]

girls

now stand back and give me room

old lady look Treat Me Nice here come

shorty with the Dust

oh Snake Eyes I lose oh not not in this

game that's too the hard way hey double

are you ready I'm back from the market I

got your fruit

ready Uncle Jed I didn't get through

hey Miss how about I join you out by the

pool I'm off a good swimmer I can stay

underwater for two minutes try for five

how about I join you out by the pool if

you like fancy diving you can watch my

Swan Dive I would watch it if it flew

backwards

shorty hey you can't keep going like

this it's going to catch up with you

you're probably right you got to start

tapering off good daddy now I can help

you by taking some of them girls off

your hands it's a deal how soon will you

need me about six months

don't keep the girls waiting Mr Collins

Jethro where does Mr Collins keep his

money right there on the table no I mean

his

best box

ice box

and jar

jar oh two hundred dollars

all that big money

I sure do

look at the size of these bills compared

to those

is this the money he took out of his

silver Mite that's right had it hid

there for 40 years

why don't you get into your bathing suit

shorty we'll all take a swim I'm sorry

girls I got a rest spelling as young as

I used to be oh listen to him he's the

youngest man I've ever met he sure is

like wow what a husband he's gonna make

for some lucky girl he's absolutely

perfect now wait a minute girls let's be

honest nobody's perfect I got my fault

just like anybody else

not you shorty no it is it's true I got

one overpowering weakness so you like to

gamble so what

Northern gambling

you like to take a little drink now and

then no it ain't drinking I know what

your weakness is you could never be true

to your wife but who expects you to be

you're just too much man for one woman

well what could it be tell us girls step

over here right away I've got to talk to

you back in a minute

party's over that clown hasn't got 200

million he's got two hundred dollars oh

get your things back to the bank

I didn't get to tell you my weakness

sometimes I wake up in the middle of the

night with an overpowering desire for

game of checkers

foreign

[Music]

to marry a city woman let me give you

some advice what's that

they don't mind if you drink gamble even

cheat on them but don't ever admit that

you play checkers

[Music]

weeknights on Hallmark watch great

stories I'm an angel and witness the

Miracles Touched by an Angel weeknights

at eight on the Hallmark Channel a hard

land robbed a woman of her dreams

together they'll find something they

never expected from Michael Landon Jr C

Katherine Heigl in a Hallmark Channel

original Love Comes softly Monday night

at nine on the Hallmark Channel

welcome back now here